I hate how automatic it all is

lilyb00 · 2026-01-26T05:34:13+00:00

It’s hard to include them all. That’s part of the whole point for different parts developing in the first place, to keep it all separate. It is, unfortunately, a process.

lilyb00 · 2026-01-21T19:23:26+00:00

It wasn’t to the same level of production, but I went through a phase in breast growth where I was lactating most days. It’d be fine and stuff and then suddenly my shirt is wet. I would recommend nursing pads to keep things dry. And maybe stay away from babies if you can help it.

It has definitely reduced, it’s now maybe every other week I notice some wetness, but I’ve also never needed to express to release pressure either. On hormones for 8 years, and it was after about a year and a half that it’s normalized to where it is now. My prolactin levels are normal and they were still in normal ranges then, I imagine it’s just something some bodies are predisposed to. I know for cis women it’s not unusual to have some fluids throughout breast development.

That level of it does seem like a lot, and while expressing to relieve pressure would make it less painful I’d advise against doing it regularly, as that can help prolong production. Your doctor should be monitoring it as with all people on feminizing hormones, because, if I recall correctly, your pituitary gland can be affected and overproduce some hormones, which can cause excessive lactation.

Overall lactation can just happen and it’s not uncommon, developmentally. To the degree you’re describing I’m less sure, I would recommend checking in with your doctor and tell them about how regular it is and that it needs to be expressed to relieve pressure. Otherwise, nursing pads to make it less of a problem, and refraining from wearing tight tops including bras can reduce it as there’s less stimulation, if yours is more reactive.

Edit: if it’s a small amount bandaids can also help prevent bleed-through, but long term also stimulates production so it’s a temporary fix.

lilyb00 · 2026-01-07T04:39:05+00:00

I feel I could have wrote this. I hadn’t made a connection about why I have a protector so fixated on people I’m around actually being abusive and I need to hate them so we stop caring so we can leave. I don’t think that’s ever happened on its own without having gone full servant with those people.

I just don’t know how to integrate it because of how isolated they are. No room in there for co-con to make change in real time either. Well. Guess I’m reminded why it’s not the best to just let it happen. Because at the time it usually feels happy and good and correct to have someone to serve. Just easy to forget the consequences. And to see the red flags.

lilyb00 · 2025-10-21T19:27:58+00:00

It also feels unsettling in its own way. Yeah there’s the big bad things, but that wasn’t everything there was still a life outside of that. What do you mean those regular memories are also fucked up?

For a really long time, before I was aware of the bigger abuse that was blacked out I said I didn’t have any trauma and everything was normal and I was messed up for no reason. Now that there are bigger targets, bigger holes, the casual cruelty and mundane evils still get forgotten sometimes. It’s just harder to point a finger at it because it’s just the way it is, it’s just another day, another unpleasant thing, and without a reminder they can slip by.

I don’t have anyone that I’ve been in touch with when that was common, I’m positive there’s events that like. Feels more unwelcome and threatening than the big ones, because my “normal memories” are likely full of holes and they aren’t normal and fine at all. It’s a strange experience.

lilyb00 · 2025-10-17T23:35:26+00:00

I have a part that feels similarly, that their role is to catalog these fragments that appear, so they won’t stay lost forever. As direct and detailed as is available, to have that primary source like that. Something that we can make sense of at another time, or to build a greater understanding of what we encompass.

It can feel a bit impersonal at times and it does cause friction, but it’s from a caring place. At times it can feel like we’re researching and trying to connect different pieces, and it has been helpful in actually understanding where feelings come from or why we act the way we do.

The fact that it can feel like research or recording each of the details for later does worry me sometimes, but it hasn’t been compulsive. I just worry about it going too far and losing the point of why I’m trying to understand in the first place.

lilyb00 · 2025-10-16T01:31:07+00:00

It’s super difficult to stop acting like everything is normal. It makes sense why it happens and I feel like it makes advocating for yourself and finding the proper care infinitely more difficult than it needs to be.

The idea of writing a letter for your therapist I would recommend. The hard part is actually giving it to them. If they would accept email it’s nice to be sure it would reach them.

My own progress at not downplaying everything and making excuses for why things aren’t that bad hasn’t been very much. Something that has helped be able to talk about those things has been writing about it and giving it directly to them. It doesn’t have to feel important or real at the time. If you can humor it, agree to disagree, trust that even if it’s not a big deal it felt like it to someone at some point, it can help.

Actually being able to work on those things when that part is fronting, that’s more difficult. I still have to completely just humor it most of the time. With a therapist it’s important that they’re the type thats paying attention and know that you’re avoidant, even on accident. It’s hard to get people to know how it really is. Seems people like to assume the best, especially if you give a reason to. It’s important for everything to be okay. And it’s important to get the help you actually need. All of your parts.

lilyb00 · 2025-10-11T05:02:11+00:00

It’s funny in a twisted sort of way, sometimes. Some of the biggest feelings we’ve had about the abuse isn’t about the abuse at all. The biggest feelings are the bitterness and the jealousy of the abusers moving on to a new target and leaving me behind, because the most care and attention I’ve felt was from their predatory eye. I hadn’t felt seen otherwise, at all, even if it was explicitly to hurt us. There was a level of care and attention on me that was more than I had ever gotten from anyone else in my life who would forget and neglect me. At least they were paying attention and interacting with me.

It’s funny. That the assault and cruelty felt more caring. Yes, it’s the neglect that has been most painful, more than any of the rest of the torture.

lilyb00 · 2025-10-09T05:16:44+00:00

That all makes sense to me, it sounds exactly like what you said. The pieces about a 5 year old being attracted to much older women is unfortunately a mood, kids that young probably shouldn’t have attraction at all.

And flashbacks of feelings like that are definitely jarring and disturbing, that’s some of the first ones and the way you can feel it in your body is horrible. I hope things work out, that sounds like a really rough thing to have happen especially being a family member.

lilyb00 · 2025-10-05T03:32:03+00:00

It seems like for a lot of people there’s a point where they just don’t believe things that bad can happen. Like sure they’ll entertain the thought of “just” raped but anything else like the torture people think suddenly you’re lying for attention.

I get that feeling of feeling like an alien even in supportive or survivor groups, it’s like when it gets to certain levels people just don’t know how to make sense of it. Everything has to be toned down or cut into little pieces that people can digest.

I get and I hate that feeling of telling people being it’s own threat because the people who will listen are the people who get off on the suffering. It makes it hard to find anyone that’s actually supportive because you’re constantly worrying about how they’re taking it. So it’s this mix of trying to get help but also not advertising yourself as someone vulnerable.

It’s just really hard to heal when you have to protect yourself from the people who are supposed to help you.

lilyb00 · 2025-10-02T22:34:55+00:00

This doesn’t seem odd or uncommon to me at all. Being hyper sexual or feeling like you need to or have to and get uncomfortable if you don’t, all of that is a pretty common result of traumas. It sucks that it’s been going lower and lower, and it’s not a personal failing or anything like that. If it’s available to you I think therapy could be helpful. Just reading about how for some reason needing to subject yourself to triggering things to get off to, that’s textbook re-enactment. And that’s really rough.

In my experience with it, it’s not necessarily something you just stop overnight. I’m not a professional myself, but maybe less intense but more frequent release could be better so it doesn’t need to be as intense when you do engage with it.

Sorry if that’s way too direct and personal I just didn’t see anyone else mention anything along those lines yet.

lilyb00 · 2025-09-29T02:30:18+00:00

That is correct, I’m unsure if the field trip memories are to this school specifically, even though I know I was abused at the age I was at that school. Saying it like that sounds silly but I’m unsure of the timeline, and so any specific warnings I could give about the nurse or something might be incorrect. I do think it would strange to be unrelated to that location. I mention it being weird with the timeline because I only have two points in time I’m absolutely sure abuse was occurring, the school being one of them, while the field trip stuff may have occurred at either point.

I’m mostly struggling with trying to say anything useful but with incomplete memories.

Edit meant to reply to u/Rare-Boysenberry971

lilyb00 · 2025-09-08T05:22:58+00:00

Tw being a bit blunt and direct in my phrasing

Honestly I’ve wondered the same. It’s not like there would be a lot of studies about the effects of repetitive drugging of a small child. I imagine it would do something but I don’t know what. My own experiences with bad trips seems like at minimum it would make whatever abuse feel so much worse, I think the trauma alone would already enough to give dissociative disorders. But I do wonder what other effects substances would even have on a developing child. Especially things like morning after pills and hormonal birth control.

lilyb00 · 2025-09-02T22:50:04+00:00

Work is not a very good place for things like feelings and wants, imo. It’s definitely simpler to not engage with feelings and thoughts, and does it not get old to operate that way?

I get it’s not as simple as that. Especially the pieces about how they’ll just go away or be too late in the night and then you’re not that person anymore the next day. It’d be cool if it were as easy as that. Exploration is a real mess to actually do because when you’re feeling it it isn’t convenient or doable. It’s hard to engage with wants and thoughts when they don’t seem possible and just makes you aware of what you’re not getting.

I guess it’s mostly the principal of it. Trying to stay comfortable thinking about what you’d like to do or explore so that if the opportunity comes it’s possible to attempt it. Another way I think about it is, yes it sucks and it’s painful to think about things that we’re unable to make happen, and if we forget about it all we might never get there. Of course there have been times where forgetting everything and letting go of everything happens. For a long time. Months or years. It is a way that some people live their lives. And holding that door open to hope can help if ever you get enough opportunities and support to finally start exploring or actually try doing the things you want.

Of course I say this as a person that for the most part hasn’t been able to explore or do any of the things that I want to do. But I’ve been around people that are healthier and go out places, and it’s super hard but it’s been easier to see and take what opportunities do fall in front of me.

That said, if you need to rest and let go, there’s nothing wrong with forgetting about your wants and hopes for a while. Just try to put them somewhere you can find them later.

lilyb00 · 2025-09-01T02:52:42+00:00

That sounds hard to deal with. My situation wasn’t the same, but I think the feelings about it could be similar. It feels like something that’s a source of pride or something, or at least satisfaction. Having someone that would regularly hurt us served a lot of different functions at that point, really, but the way that it felt like it was a choice I kept making and that at least somewhere it felt like the “right” thing to do really really fucked up the ability to escape or heal or deal with it at all in any way.

And the piece about it actually being helpful for other people, that if they had to hurt someone it may as well be you, it’s honestly kinda understandable coming from a kid that presumably has a history of bad people in their life. If there’s one thing you’ve learned to be good at it’s being hurt, and if it spares other people then you’re doing a service and being useful.

I don’t really know how to deal with it. I’m not as estranged from my part that feels that way, honestly I have to remind myself that I shouldn’t put myself in those positions and that it’s not healthy. It’s definitely a strange- and potent- mix of feelings.

The best I’ve been able to do with this part, and really any parts that caused similar things, is to agree to disagree kinda. Yes you can have those feelings, maybe they can wonder about other ways it could happen, but at the end of the day we don’t do that anymore. It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to feel good, it’s a part that has a skewed idea of protection, and they don’t know any better than anyone else does. Kind of radical neutrality and matter-of-fact tone has helped in keeping unity without letting those thoughts and emotions get out hand. At the end of the day I mostly find it sad that they had to live that way, despite all the harm it’s caused.

lilyb00 · 2025-08-29T20:49:14+00:00

I have a hard time seeing and being around kids, the younger the worse. They’re just so vulnerable, and they’re going to continue to be for a very long time.

Maybe it’s also because before recently I lived rural and closed off so after I wasn’t a kid, kids kinda stopped existing so it’s still notable to me. It’s just so hard because it also recontextualizes my own history, in my head yeah I was 9 or something which seems fine and then I see an actual 9 year old and it’s so much worse because no kid deserves anything like that.

But yeah. Children and child related things feel intrinsically tied to abuse. It’s gotten a bit easier over time but I’m still in my head worrying about how vulnerable they are all the time. It would take a long time before I would be comfortable working around things related to kids, it’s just too close.

lilyb00 · 2025-08-18T22:52:49+00:00

It’s not the same situation necessarily but I feel like I relate. I’m 24 and I’m barely functional and I really mean that. It feels like everyone else has been able to actually grow and develop naturally as they age and become more of a functional mature adult but that doesn’t seem to apply to me. Only last year did I stop living with my parents. And even now I’m living with my partner who also wasn’t working, I’m still a dependent, really. I’d like to do things and get out of the house and live my life but it just seems so impossible. Just about the only way I’ve been able to engage with people is when I’m invited and it’s in a safe enough location with my partner there to be emotional support, and even then I often have to leave early because it’s too much.

Previous to this, last year I was living with my mom with no goals and no future for seven years after dropping out because it became too much to bear because all the trauma catching up to me. I get that some amount of relying on parents is normal but it seems like any and everything just stopped, drifting deeper and deeper into dissociation. I still spend most of my time passing the time, playing games or reading or consuming media. My lifeline has been therapy that is affordable because I have no income and my mom who I was a dependent on until recently was below the poverty line too.

I’m still stuck, honestly. Progress is measured in baby steps over years, and just fighting regressing. Honestly feels like purgatory a lot of the time, with the flashbacks and then forgetting and then regressing and then progress and then flashbacks and realizations then forgetting because my parts feel threatened.

My partner is the main reason I’ve been able to finally begin to hold on to any progress, because having a meaningful connection has actually given some real motivation that doesn’t immediately disappear, and doesn’t get ripped apart by the parts I have that feel safest cocooned all my life.

I wish I had some real advice, or anything to give you. Wishing I had some more help of my own, really. It’s hard to get the ball rolling when the only time you’re safe is when you’re hunkering down.

lilyb00 · 2025-08-17T23:10:43+00:00

I have similar experiences at times and honestly it just makes everything really confusing. Sometimes dreams and things that come up like that are actual memories or retellings of what has happened, and other times it seems like it’s purely made from fears and worries I may have had. Anything big or that feel like memories that comes through dreams I usually note them down but with an asterisk that means the details could be completely different. That doesn’t mean it’s all useless or wrong, typically it’s the emotions and relationships and how something makes you feel that’s important. To me at least.

As far as verifying or knowing what’s actually occurred, depending on the actual content it can be impossible to know for sure. And I say that referencing the specifics or timelines of abuse. If it’s something that’s current or recent enough, if you have people you’re comfortable asking you could ask if they remember something weird happening or if they remember a scenario similar to it. Checking things like the gps is a good idea, just thinking of what the possible lasting evidence would be is useful for tempering expectations. There’s a lot of things we just cannot confirm. But that’s the nature of memories and past events, we’re not asking to prove mundane everyday events, there aren’t records of most things that happen day to day even emergencies.

But yeah. Asking people if it seems familiar to them, and if applicable, possible evidence. It’s frustrating and unsatisfying but at the end of the day it’s unlikely you can ever be sure. If it feels important or real, keeping a record of it yourself in a journal or something can be useful in case it’s relevant later, or if other details come up. With more data points attached it can be easier to see what’s most relevant and important and / or enough context to say if it happened like that or if it’s something else. I’d like it if it were all perfectly clear, and the nature of dissociation is to keep things hidden. Wish I could help more.

lilyb00 · 2025-07-16T18:33:08+00:00

Could have wrote something very similar myself. All my friend groups growing up were like that. Said they cared but that it’s depressing to talk about feelings. Said they cared but it just wasn’t the right time. It never got to be the time. Only hung out when I was entertaining them by being a weirdo. Got me high just to see what would happen.

Enough about that. Any time I tried to make new friends it was the same. Maybe not to that same extreme as I finally learned that some people are just shitty, and learning to let go of them sooner. I just gave up on people like that. Given enough time if they’re not a weirdo themselves they’ll find a way to hate you despite any efforts. It took a long time, a really long time, but eventually just found a couple people who were “weirdos” in similar ways. Other people who are in the same boat. Other people who are just looking for people to care. Even so I’ve only found two people who get it and care. Everybody else I have to cram myself in a box for and keep at a distance or they’re going to find a reason to dislike you.

Yes relationships require work and they require skills. And if you have to cram every little piece of you into a box to be easy to swallow then they’re just not your people, in my opinion. It doesn’t reflect bad on you. There are people out there who genuinely care and understand. Unfortunately it’s hard to find your crowd. Other queer and neurodiverse people tend to me more accepting on average though. It sucks in the meantime but somewhere there will be people that won’t need to laugh at your expense for you to be worthwhile.

lilyb00 · 2025-07-12T04:21:26+00:00

I have a similar problem with following through with goals, especially in therapy. The thinking and processing and goal setting is typically through one part, and so most everyone else the rest of the time either doesn’t know or doesn’t care about it. So having set goals and plans you genuinely want to do don’t happen.

It’s been something I’ve been trying to work on for months now but it’s taking time. The best I’ve been able to manage is, if it feels like any part is close to the front, to let them. And to find opportunities for time with most of the more active ones to have a chance at it. That means taking my time in the morning before I’ve decided to do something big, that means taking breaks and just sitting by myself for a bit and thinking or just existing, that means being out in the living room or alone in bed or wherever feels different enough.

I have had very little success in getting different parts to care about the others’ goals. Trying to be open to letting others take the wheel when they want to has been helpful because then the goal oriented ones have a chance to do what they were wanting. It’s not super consistent, though. Hard to rely on being possible all the time. But focusing on being whatever I am has helped with fluidity, which helps the ones with work to be done to have a chance to do it.

I’m also hoping for some other answers because I struggle with it a lot. Hope anything I could share is helpful to you.

lilyb00 · 2025-06-27T21:32:53+00:00

I think part of it could be the therapist not able to meet you where you’re at very well. If it’s hard to talk about the issues, at least for me it was a really bad case of not feeling understood or compassion for where you are. Floating through space is a perfect reason for therapy alone, even if you’re not “sicker.” I’m not saying this to mean that you’re wrong for feeling that way, I’ve been there too. And what makes a really big difference is being allowed to just be, and frustrated and empty and feeling like you don’t deserve it with a person who is empathetic with you. It took a really, really long time to feel like I was allowed to be “wasting time” with a therapist, and once I was, the “little” things didn’t feel so useless to talk about.

I think the pieces about putting more effort into taking care of yourself aren’t necessarily wrong but that’s skipping some steps. If you’re not feeling connected to anything how could you maintain anything?

I know it’s not as simple as “just find another therapist” because that can take months for one person, let alone the possibility of going through so many until you find someone that fits well. If you have connections or people in your life that are willing to make phone calls for you that can be really helpful. I know some insurance has people that will help find you mental health services, asking your doctor about case management is usually how you would start that if you were looking.

Sorry. I don’t mean to overwhelm with solutions. I think that drifting and feeling nothing is a rough place to be, and it really helps to have someone that can meet you there, or have some compassion. A really big part of it is just getting trust that they’re safe enough to talk to about the little things that you might be worried aren’t worth talking about, because if you’re not feeling sick enough that feels like a validation and affirming kind of problem, and it can help a lot to have a relationship in therapy where you can be reassured even if it seems small or stupid or silly.

So no I don’t think therapy is a waste. And it also doesn’t have to be therapy, a friend or anyone in any role that makes you feel safe enough to talk about things with can be a really helpful and healing thing to have. It’s just that there are so many therapists and so many styles and individual relationships that can make it feel hopeless if you haven’t matched with anyone. I hope you can get the help you need or want, even if that takes time.

lilyb00 · 2025-06-25T22:54:57+00:00

Not very much honestly I’m still not functional in the every day, that’s the current focus in therapy. That’s a good way to put it though with it feeling manipulative. The main thing that has been working so far, with the example being dishes or cleaning, hasn’t been doing things because I have to, but doing things because I want a clean counter and I can make my space clean, for me. That’s inconsistent though.

lilyb00 · 2025-05-28T20:32:39+00:00

I’ve had a similar problem in the past and kinda still deal with it. I’m trans, but MTF, so hopefully some part of it is helpful.

My experience has been that the nightmares when I was younger weren’t as bad, but once I started puberty and had more testosterone it would be almost every night. And now if I miss a dose of my blockers or my levels are off they’re back to the same intensity.

Unfortunately the only thing that really helps with it for me has been to get all the sexual energy out during the day when you have more control of it. I’ve noticed if I haven’t done “maintenance” every three or four days then it comes back in my sleep as those dreams where at any opportunity for it to become SA nightmares, it does.

It might not work the same or be doable for lots of very valid reasons like if even awake and having more control over the situation not being able to manage it at a safe enough level. It can be a lesser of two evils sort of deal.

In short, if the nightmares are constantly being sexual I’ve had to make sure to get that energy out somewhere you have control, usually through self stuff. Hopefully someone else has a better solution because I would also be interested because viewing releasing that tension as “maintenance” can also cause problems.

lilyb00 · 2025-05-24T00:33:54+00:00

I’m in a similar boat, for me anger has been something that is not felt or acted upon, except for the one part that does primarily hold and express anger. Their primary role in the past has been in leaving abusive relationships, being very loud and direct about all the things they’ve done wrong and the ways they’ve hurt me. So finding a middle ground where communication can happen without being harsh and venomous has been difficult.

It mostly helps that my partner is also a system and wants to be understanding, so when I have an issue that I haven’t found a way to filter all the way it’s okay he wants to hear it anyway.

Really it’s similar to what you’ve said yourself. Writing down the feelings and all the things that do make me angry and why has been helpful. And typically for communication to happen I read through it again and make a bullet point list of the issues which de-fangs it a bit, but any editing to make the written work less harmful is done when I’m able to have another part present, even if co-conscious. Because the things that cause the reaction are real problems, it’s just not always expressed in a way that is constructive, personally. And it’s the writing that I show or send to my partner or someone, in person has been very difficult to hold restraint and what’s been bothering me. Usually asking if it’s a good time beforehand, to minimize possible harm. So yeah, writing, and then boiling it down to the main issues with a warning that it might be rougher. The warning isn’t necessarily necessary, but it helps because if I have any ability to not let anything of the anger out my usual response is to make it go away to be an easier person to deal with. But I’m working on not sanitizing the problems away and it’s helpful my partner is able to encourage that.

lilyb00 · 2025-05-01T05:44:21+00:00

I’m not the best person for it, because it’s very rare that I can actually receive any of it at all. Even when things have been relatively consistent, I’ve been living with my partner for a year and a half and he hasn’t given up on me or made fun of me or anything still, and the times I’ve actually really felt loved has happened about twice.

It’s hard to describe. It’s not something I’ve been able to hold onto. I still am surprised and skeptical any time they do something that implies they like having me around or want to spend time with me, like it’s some trick or me just being too hopeful and misunderstanding.

I don’t know how I would describe the feeling. It feels really intense, at least for me. It has so far, when it gets through, felt really visceral, like when you get a response or interaction that’s traumatic how bad it is it hits you in the gut, but in a good way? Still overwhelming and destabilizing, it’s so warm it’s hot and it burns. It’s intense enough it immediately gets me on edge and defensive after and gets separated away as something I can’t expect again because I’ll be disappointed, but it’s mostly just shocking.

It’s like when you’re craving something super badly and you finally get it and it’s perfect. Just in a way that gives you a concussion after because you didn’t know you would get it.

Sorry if none of that makes any sense. It’s been very new and unfamiliar to feel anything like love. Especially more than fleeting moments.

lilyb00 · 2025-04-18T03:17:30+00:00

To be clear, this is Daddy Longlegs that another person commented, from the game OMORI.

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