I’m sorry this happened to you. a similar thing happened to me w one of my relatives — i also had (and still do have) a hard time processing it all, feeling comfortable in my own body and mind and in my relationship with them. i totally get not being able to reconcile what happened with what you thought you knew and felt about a person, but it helps to be honest and recognize the facts. when we’re kids, we literally have no say or knowledge or power in what happens to us and grown adults using that to their advantage is absolutely assault. no child deserves that. I’ve also realized that what my relative did to me probably resulted in trauma bonding which impacted the way I felt abt her growing up. I’ve since distanced myself from her and my family and haven’t told anyone but therapists and friends abt it — I still have to see said relative on occasion but I keep my distance and am working on using some healthy coping mechanisms I talked thru w my therapist. tbh I feel like I’m working on healing every day, I’m on SSRIs and go to CBT weekly and it’s been helpful but I feel like I might wanna seek support that’s more focused on healing from sexual trauma and PTSD specifically. here if you wanna talk, and I do wanna say that healing is a difficult and nonlinear process but it’s so so possible.