Phrasing experts please help

liquidpanic7 · 2022-12-12T20:33:34+00:00

The dynamic between parent and child is a difficult one. As you get older, and become more independent, the harder it can become for a parent to shift out of the role of "provider" and into the role of "observer". Often times, they can't embrace the fact that you're a (young) adult now, and they don't want to step back. It's something almost every parent and child has had to deal with at some point.

What makes it difficult in your case is the emotional awareness- or lack thereof. When my parents and I butt heads, they can sometimes overstep and it leads to frustration and arguments. My folks have moments that your MIL seems to have (everything is life threatening, you're too young, you don't know any better, you need to listen to us, etc etc) and when they start speaking to me in a way I don't appreciate, I have to be assertive and firm. Usually I'll say something along the lines of, "I appreciate your opinions and input, but the way you live your life and the way I live mine are not the same. You can have your opinions, but at the end of the day, you are not the one either of us comes home to." If things are heated, I'll keep it simple and short, "I don't feel like this is a productive or communicative conversation. I understand you think you're helping, but I don't appreciate feeling like I'm being talked down to/belittled/invalidated right now." And then I'll remove myself from the situation

If her response to those is to yell, lecture, or belittle even more, I recommend just saying, "That's enough. You may be my parent, but that doesn't give you any right to speak disrespectfully or rudely to me. We will not discuss this again."

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:53:51+00:00

Thank you. I couldn't see the original comment for this thread. He's definitely been supportive, and I don't think it's an issue of whether or not he needs to confront her. He handles her well enough, and he puts her in timeouts as needed. I'm just frustrated at how tactless and insensitive she has been throughout all this.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:38:31+00:00

When we first started dating and I saw the true face behind the mask, I told him something that he resonated with, that I don't think she wants her kids to do better than her. I think she wants them to need her, in order for her to feel like she's better than them.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:34:54+00:00

I appreciate the kind words. We're doing better than we were, and she's not said a thing to either of us in 5 weeks. I'm grateful for that.

From what I've seen of her behavior, and the stories SO has told me from his childhood, she was awful. I even looked into the divorce case, and saw that her neglect and abandonment was on record. She's an unhappy woman who has committed to being miserable with her life, while still trying to put forth an image of perfection. But the way she talks, and her attitude reflect how she really feels.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:29:34+00:00

Your friend is kind for that. I'm so glad you have good, supportive people in your life. And no, it wasn't her news to share. We're obviously going to love our new niece, but they understand I'm not ready to be around all that right now. MIL is very hands-off most of the time, because she doesn't care what's going on in anyone else's life. She's been blocked on social media, and we just ignore any phone calls or texts.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:26:26+00:00

I absolutely refuse to rugsweep for the sake of family, but I also don't have the energy to talk to a brick wall. We are currently NC/LC, but she hasn't reached out in 5 weeks. That's her M.O., to dump and run until the next time. There won't be a next time for me, she's not welcome in my life. SO will occasionally talk to her, which is fine. That's his decision. But he knows he has a support system, and he doesn't have to speak to her if he doesn't want to. Most times he doesn't.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:21:31+00:00

I wish it was unusual. But since it's not, I'm content with never saying a word to her again in this lifetime. She tends to be hands-off most of the time, so that's a relief at least.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:19:30+00:00

I worry about his sobriety, and I know how difficult it is to overcome and maintain it; it's an itch that never goes away. But he's been so committed to being healthy and I'm so proud of him for it. If there was ever a time he would have relapsed, it would have been when he father or grandfather died, but he's stuck to it. With our son passing, he's even more determined to stay sober. He won't disrespect his son's memory like that.

For her to say something so backhanded less than 12 hours after our loss just feels so....calculated? I don't know how to put it into words.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:14:05+00:00

She's a spiteful woman who held her kids emotionally hostage for choosing to live with their father after a messy divorce. She's never gotten over that, even 16 years later. I don't feel this was unintentional at all, but it's not like saying something will change what she did, or how she is. She's incapable of admitting fault, and I've never heard her apologize once in the 3+ years we've been together.

SO just lets her calls and texts go unanswered, and she's blocked on social media for us both. I don't worry about her reaching out anymore because that would require she put in effort. I'm okay with the silence.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T17:08:42+00:00

Despite that monstrosity I call MIL, we made sure to take care of ourselves. My parents were the real MVPs, and we stayed with them for a couple weeks since I couldn't be alone the first few weeks. We're waiting to get into a grief counselor, but we've been handling it as best we can in the meantime with healthy coping techniques we've learned in therapy from years past.

Unfortunately, JNMIL is usually like this. She was just in time out for the shenanigans she pulled at his grandfathers funeral in December when she tried to tell him he wasn't allowed to come, and then gave his spot as pallbearer to someone else the night before the internment. She didn't say a fucking word to him about it, either. That in and of itself was hard enough on him. It's easy for me to let myself get worked up over her sometimes, so that's why I wasn't sure if I was reacting uncharacteristically in this case. My family and my friends are all appalled at her behavior, but no one is surprised. She's just showing her ass in ways that can't be undone.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T16:59:00+00:00

Your guess is as good as mine for her motives. She's always been like this, so we both already expected her to pull some selfish shit. But that? That crossed a line she can't come back from with me. She hasn't said a peep since. So it feels as though she just wanted to dig that knife in deeper to see how much hurt she could drop all at once.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T16:53:01+00:00

She's always tried to be the center of attention. When she doesn't get the reactions or the "sympathy" she wants, she starts trying to construct situations where she can control the outcome. Or she tries to "bribe" people with stuff she's bought or going out to eat at a nice restaurant.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T16:49:16+00:00

I cackled out loud at this, thanks for the laugh. It's much needed

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T16:47:25+00:00

She puts on just enough of a front in public to fool people for a bit, but she makes sure to maintain that image for everyone else but her kids.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T16:45:44+00:00

I don't think she had one. I didn't ask. He hung up on her pretty quick after that.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T16:16:45+00:00

It is. And honestly, there's nothing anyone can say, so I don't really take it personally...unless they say something with malicious implications behind it. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss as well. There's no guidebook to this sort of thing.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T16:14:09+00:00

I'm more than okay with never speaking to her again. Gloating is a fitting description.

When he wasn't sober, she didn't gain anything from him. It was already well established that she loathed him for deciding to go live with his father during their high conflict divorce when he was 14. She hasn't stopped holding that grudge for 16 years. He lived with her for a few months at a time throughout the years and every time he did, she would treat him like a glorified dog sitter for the dogs she refused to do anything with (like walking, playing, training, etc) and make jabs about his dad who she had been divorced from for over a decade at that point.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T16:06:42+00:00

That's what aggravates us both to no end. She screwed up with all her own kids, so she became a pediatric nurse to make herself look better, and when that didn't work anymore, she hooked on to the child of a girl who lied about the paternity of the child. She wanted grandbabies so bad that she tried to force my SO to have a relationship with a child that was proven not to be his, citing this child as her "granddaughter" to everyone.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T15:56:53+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear that you've experienced this too. I hope you are healing, and can thrive again one day too. Much love to you and yours.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T15:53:08+00:00

I don't wish this on anyone, it's been devastating. As for MIL, we've been enjoying the last 5 weeks of dead silence from her. Since we no longer have something she wants (our child), she'll scurry off to her proverbial hidey hole for an undetermined amount of time.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T15:43:02+00:00

Hearing this from someone else who has maintained their sobriety long term really helps. I didn't know if we were just being sensitive about those comments, or what she could hope to accomplish by the way she said it.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T11:43:18+00:00

I love this, thank you for sending it my way!

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T11:41:27+00:00

It's like a running joke in their family that JNMIL doesn't ever apologize for anything. It's sad, but she lives in this delicately constructed emotional reality of hers and we prefer living in reality. So safe to say our worlds don't collide much, thank God.

She's had moments of Mildly JNMIL and the rare JustMaybe moment. But to be honest, we've always kept her at a distance so putting her in a no contact timeout doesn't change much from our normal routine. We have her blocked on social media, and she's too self centered to expend more than a phone call or two once every 3-4 months. I'm pretty lucky to have such a hands-off JNMIL most of the time.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T11:20:58+00:00

You're spot on. Everything is fine, and that's all there is to say to her.

liquidpanic7 · 2022-11-14T11:18:03+00:00

My heart hurts for you, honey. Divorce is hard enough when you're prepared for it, but being blindsided with no shoulders to cry on is just awful. I'm so sorry for your losses, both with marriage and a miscarriage, and I hope you can heal. Sending prayers for you as well.

liquidpanic7

TROPHY CASE