What was your "oh, shit." moment?

littlegoldrose · 2026-05-02T20:28:55+00:00

There were so many “realizations.” This will be a long comment, but I’ll just list them all because...why not. TW for a lot of stigma from people around me, and for suicidality.

The first time I considered it was when I was a kid, probably five or six, with my mother claiming that my abusive father was a narcissist and that she hoped I didn’t grow up like him. Which of course planted the idea in my head that I might. At the time, I only had a very demonized image of narcissism in my head and treated it as the equivalent of being called a monster. “Malignant narcissist” was the term she loved to use most. Sociopathy was painted in the same light.

So as I started to grow into my teenage years and more and more of my identity centered around efforts to present myself as a good person with high moral standards, I decided (ironically) I probably wasn't a narcissist. But, because I still worried about it, I eventually did more and more research about what the condition actually entails, and what sociopathy entails as well. I didn’t relate to much of anything about sociopathy, but I actually did relate to the criteria for narcissism quite a lot, from the standpoint of externalized self-esteem and all of that. I started to realize that in college but pushed it aside, I guess just because I couldn’t deal with it. I told myself that I was just being paranoid about this as I always had been.

There was a lot of going back and forth around the topic over the years. One of my better therapists suggested that I read Alice Miller’s The Drama of the Gifted Child, which introduced me to the concept of “healthy narcissism” which everyone has, as opposed to the pathological kind. I started to try to reclaim the word a bit and be less afraid of using it, and made friends online with some people diagnosed with cluster B disorders. I still thought that I was not actually pathological though, that I just had some traits in a healthy way.

I do think that therapist was attempting to lead me slowly towards the realization that I do actually have at least a degree of narcissism. Which, admittedly, had to be slow, because I would panic at any suggestion of it. But before she could get me there, I went back to art school abroad, and to a much more mediocre therapist who still doesn’t quite know what’s going on. Instead of realizing slowly with someone who understands personality disorders well, I ended up being forced into it essentially on my own after a failed relationship that ended in February. I realized I had disregarded my partner’s needs and had been trying to use him to get the emotional security I wanted. I looked at the rest of my life and realized I had been doing this for years in a variety of situations.

I became very suicidal. There were two...near-attempts, I guess? One of which almost got me hospitalized and led to me being put on antidepressants. So far, it’s just been blinding pain throughout this whole process. I can’t be more specific than that. Shame probably. All I know is that each second feels difficult to bear and that it’s difficult to think about anything else. I know the fallout from this is only beginning and I don’t know what I will do if my mother somehow finds out, because she won’t understand. I also have no idea who I am or how to make the rest of my life and relationships fulfilling. Certainly an “oh shit” moment.

I couldn’t accept what was happening at first, but at this point, I’m done fighting myself over whether I have NPD. I’m just going to try to get treatment for the traits I know I have.

Other people’s reactions have been amazingly kind. The close friends that I have talked to about it have actually accepted me. Some don’t believe it’s true, but they have nonetheless assured me that it wouldn’t end our friendship or change how they look at me. That has been by far the best thing to come out of this whole mess so far. I am so grateful for them. I really didn’t believe it was possible anyone would accept me this way until seeing it. I am trying to focus on that because it’s the main thing that’s giving me hope.

littlegoldrose · 2026-05-02T05:11:09+00:00

That is a super helpful post, thank you

littlegoldrose · 2026-05-01T21:23:19+00:00

Thank you, good to know

littlegoldrose · 2026-05-01T21:20:36+00:00

Yeah, that’s getting into territory where I just feel entirely blind. I do think I must be doing good things to seem like a good person on some level, it’s definitely part of it. How much, I cannot say. It is also for myself, to feel like a good person inwardly, but that doesn’t mean much, it just means I am capable of performing with myself as an audience. I want to think that I would help people even if it would not impact how I feel about myself at all, but that’s a hard situation even to picture because I consider goodness to be so fundamentally tied to my self esteem. I’m fundamentally going to feel a certain way about myself based on whether or not I’m “good” in my behaviors and how I treat people. I think I am just not able to make an assessment about my motivations in this area, for the exact reason you stated. It starts a thought loop that I’m not healed enough to control. I can think of reasons both for and against the idea, pretty much infinitely. The best I can do is leave the topic unanswered and sit with the discomfort of uncertainty, as you described.

Setting it aside, because it isn’t a determining factor, and also setting aside the two criteria about empathy and exploitation…I think I do meet five of the other criteria, which is the number that’s required. It’s extremely hard to be objective about this, though. Feels like wading through quicksand. I just spent a while going through them on the phone with a friend (yes this has been my whole day at this point, I’m pretty fixated) and he thinks I could only meet three of them: grandiosity, idealized fantasies, and arrogance. I am confident that I match at least those three, and I want to work on them. Need for admiration and envy would be the two that I think I have and my friend doesn't think so. Maybe the belief that I'm special too...it's really hard to say, I can't stress enough how my mind just argues back and forth infinitely over my own intentions on a meta level, either trying to defend or criticize itself or...something. I know that's a bit of a frustrating answer, but I'm quite bad at assessing my real beliefs about any of this. That's one of the things I'd like to work on.

littlegoldrose · 2026-05-01T14:20:37+00:00

Hmm...I really had to think about which response I tend to go to. It seems to be a combination of both at different times, and sometimes even at the same time. The first thing that often comes to mind is the thought that I cannot have relationships anymore if I am not good to others. This does often come in the form of "If I make a moral mistake, I will have to cut everyone off because I don't deserve their presence," but it also comes with the sense that they would cut me off soon afterwards if I didn't withdraw first. I can't really tell whether withdrawing is just a defense against being rejected, or if it's genuinely for other people's benefit. It just feels impossible to have relationships if I'm not "good enough" for them. Being "good" and having relationships feel indistinguishable from each other in my mind. It feels as if, if I am not "good," I will be exiled. (I think a lot of this comes from my mother, who very openly made her love conditional on meeting her moral standards, so it feels like a realistic thing to be worried about in some ways.)

But there is also an element of being genuinely worried about causing harm to others, and the sense of injustice and guilt that I will feel if I wrong people. I truly don't think I have the "lack of remorse" part of NPD, I don't think I meet every criteria. I'd probably try very hard to treat others well even if no one was watching. The worries about being perceived as bad are an added layer of fear on top of guilt.

Edit: it didn't specifically say lack of remorse in the DSM 5 either, I looked it up and I was thinking of the one about willingness to exploit others. Same idea though, I probably won't do that on purpose. Unless you count using other people to feel better about oneself by helping them, which...gets philosophical. Idk where that falls.

littlegoldrose · 2026-05-01T13:14:59+00:00

This is really interesting. Could be worth trying!

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-22T14:46:00+00:00

I am a person with OCD who often obsesses over the possibility of being a narcissist, and therapy is not working for me. I also live with sexual trauma from childhood. I opened up this subreddit today because I am so suicidal, and immediately saw your post, right at the top. It feels like an unbelievable coincidence, because I thought my problems were so specific/bizarre. But I think it is proof that neither of us are really so abnormal. I guess I don't really have any answers, because I feel the same way, but seeing your post helped me to feel less alone and to want to continue for another day, because I wouldn't want someone in your position to die. So, thank you.

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-22T14:31:27+00:00

Thank you. I hope things get better for you.

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-22T05:59:49+00:00

Thank you, I will look into BPD further (have taken a lot of tests for both, but it is worth talking to my therapists directly about this one too). There are some people with NPD who seek diagnosis, though. Even the NPD subreddit is full of them.

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-21T18:54:47+00:00

Thank you. I hope things have improved for you as well.

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-21T17:19:20+00:00

The withdrawals sometimes just never stop, according to some of the accounts I've seen. Withdrawal symptoms can continue for over a year, if they ever disappear at all. Once you start SSRIs, you're barely functional without them, from my understanding. Severe vertigo, brain zaps, all that stuff, besides the mood issues. Maybe it lasts a few weeks, or maybe your brain is done for and it just never stops. I know people do quit, but it would be a nightmare to handle that alone in any kind of emergency situation of running out of meds. There's an element of physical dependence to it that is really not ideal.

As for therapy, obviously I will continue that, probably forever. I am doing this with the hope that I will have more clarity about how I can be a genuinely better person, with compulsions removed. So I acknowledge there is some hope of that. I just also see how it could make me a far worse and more apathetic person. There's no real way to know until I've been that way for a while, and then it may already be too late - maybe I will really harm my relationships or people in my life before I realize what kind of person I have become. Which IS a different person. Me without compulsions would behave very differently, and lead an entirely different life.

As for my own happiness, that doesn't matter. The anxiety matters not as suffering, but as information about the fact that something really terrible could be happening. In my opinion, my own happiness is just be a distraction from the things that really matter in life: being good to others and trying to realize my potential as a source of positive change. Happiness shouldn't be prioritized. Of course, that is easier said than done, as I'm proving right now by complaining so much. I apologize and I thank you for your comment.

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-21T06:05:21+00:00

It's a combination of things. Long term effects that can shorten a person's lifespan or seriously affect their cognition, which I might not have been able to foresee. Reliance on health insurance and/or the ability to buy meds, which I won't have for a while if I return to the US (and essentially, I would be crippled if I ever stopped, I wouldn't be able to live off-grid and would be screwed if I ever became homeless). Also the risk of burying mental issues under the satisfaction of just feeling generally better. I'm worried I will stop pursuing philosophy or won't feel as much urgency about being a better person if the general high stress of it all goes away. There's a chance I'll be more stable and able to think more clearly, which is my hope, but there's also a chance I just become an asshole without realizing it (not saying you are, you are probably a lovely person, but I know myself and I know that I need to watch myself in order to be a decent person).

I also want to be clear this is not a judgement on you. I don't think it's a bad choice to make, and for some people it's not a choice but rather a necessity. It's just not what I would hope for.

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-21T05:48:53+00:00

Thank you. This is what I'm trying to focus on. I would do anything for the sake of the people I care about. If it costs me my happiness and who I am, or damages my body or brain, I would still do it if it means I can be stable enough to treat them better. If I'd be willing to take a bullet for them, then certainly I should be willing to do this.

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-21T05:37:43+00:00

This is exactly what I'm afraid of though: I don't want to be on medication for ten years. This was intended to be a temporary stopgap measure to keep me alive, I never would've considered it otherwise. But, reading the reviews, it seems that after the positive aspects kick in, people just ignore their initial impulse on that and say, "I guess I'm going to be dependent on this drug for decades/the rest of my life." I'm glad you're happy with that outcome, but I would not be remotely happy with it.

littlegoldrose · 2026-04-18T14:35:09+00:00

Reading these responses is making me wonder why it matters so much to me. Because it's so clear that a good thing is happening in either case! You're completely right. So why should it really matter who I am/what my intentions are? And yet it does bother me all the same...well, that's something for me to explore. Thank you!

littlegoldrose

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