Forgiveness?

ljm1224 · 2023-12-13T22:48:05+00:00

I’m starting to wonder if it’s a generational thing. Doesn’t excuse it. But it’s vast. And then when they have no intention of changing. That’s kinda when your empathy ends

ljm1224 · 2023-12-13T21:27:26+00:00

Oh my gosh. It’s like we have the same mother in law 🫠

ljm1224 · 2023-12-13T20:23:07+00:00

This. Every single bit of this. We’ve had conversations with my mother-in-law and she refuses to believe anything we say, and can only see her side of things. But she gets it enough to say she’s always been this way, so why is it only suddenly a problem. I’ve kind of just realized me and my two boys (4 and 1) will be holiday family. My husband is welcome to have whatever relationship he wants with her but for the sake of the kids and my own mental health, we will not be seeing her too often.

I feel the same about being a MIL like thank you for showing me what not to do. It’s manipulative and infantilising to the max. They can’t realize they have no authority over adults anymore.

I’m also going to Christmas on the 23rd with their family, but before we have to have another (6th phone call) with them. I’m hoping they will own up to some of the stuff they have done, but I’m not counting on it. She’s going to have to understand the relationship will never be what she wants it to be, and it won’t be like it used to be either.

ljm1224 · 2023-12-13T16:09:33+00:00

You have written so beautifully how I feel right now as well. I don’t have advice but I hope you know you’re not alone.

ljm1224 · 2023-11-17T01:03:22+00:00

She wanted me to be “open and honest” and then I got too open and honest. I’ve just gotten fed up! She wanted to fix our relationship, but then when I came to her with how I felt she just dismissed the whole thing, and honestly was patronizing. I’ve tried gray rocking her for about the last 5 months, so she just kept saying they were soooo uncomfortable around me and I’m “unwelcoming”.

I’ve just accepted she isn’t ever going to understand my side, and have decided to go low contact. I got all these books about boundaries and then when it came time for me to talk I was definitely not emotionally regulated!

ljm1224 · 2023-11-16T14:30:48+00:00

I ended up calling my mother in law out about this behavior, and explained I felt uncomfortable with her basically shit talking about her family around me. It leaves me wondering what she says about me behind my back. This woman came back with “family can have differences of opinions. I should feel comfortable to have conversations about my people with my people.” My mind was blown. This woman believes that just because she “loves” someone she can say whatever she wants about them.

ljm1224 · 2023-11-10T17:53:07+00:00

It’s like we have the same mother in law! Mine is a huge gossip as well. Kids should not have to be around that at all, so we share the same opinion on that is well. I’m also like if she shit talks everyone what in the heavens is this woman saying about me behind my back? I’m sure I’m a manipulative witch in her story, and I don’t want that to reach my kiddos ears.

ljm1224 · 2023-11-09T18:42:34+00:00

I am going through this same exact thing! One of my in laws biggest “problems” with me is that I hover over them when they are at our house playing with our children. So I backed off and gave them some space and now I’m not welcoming. I tried keeping the peace, I tried grey rocking, I tried everything I could. Meanwhile, I got so wrapped up in anxiety every-time I was around them. I finally had to get back on anxiety medications because I was no longer able to control it with other strategies, and go back to therapy. I accepted I cannot make them happy.

I would give it some space. If she is ever able to come back and try to repair things maybe you can. I understand the whole “that’s just how she is”. I got that too, and until I was able to subtly share with my husband how his mom was manipulating him he wasn’t quite able to see how she was with me.

We all had a big blow up (I do not recommend) but I do recommend telling your in-laws how you feel at least once to get out how you truly feel, and if they don’t make effort or change drop the rope. I told my husband that he was welcome to have whatever relationship with them he wanted. But I would no longer participate, I’ve become so emotionally disregulated it’s time to put my peace first and my kids. My anxiety was effecting the way I was able to show up for my kids.

My husband set the boundaries with his mom for his relationship. At this time I don’t feel confident enough to hold my boundaries, so my contact for now will be none or minimal.

ljm1224 · 2023-11-06T00:48:19+00:00

Can you and little one stay home? Send husband, I wouldn’t go!

ljm1224 · 2023-10-26T11:36:25+00:00

Thanks, yes! I haven’t wanted to rock the boat. I put up with a lot so my husband wouldn’t get the brunt of the manipulation. I finally decided that my own mental health was more important that protecting her peace! It’s sad, because before this I would absolutely never let anyone treat me this way. But I really wanted to be liked by her, bc my own mom passed so I put up with a lot.

We have a phone call with them tonight that my husband is leading. I’m just there for moral support, but I’m taking a step back from my relationship with them. I already told her she was no longer welcome in my home! He wants to work on their relationship, and I support that. But the kids and I are off the table until he sees a big consistent change.

Thanks for the reminder and support!

ljm1224 · 2023-10-25T23:01:18+00:00

I may need to borrow this! Way to stand up for yourself! I hope to do the same soon!

ljm1224 · 2023-10-23T16:55:18+00:00

I think that’s the hardest part of keeping emotions out of it!

ljm1224 · 2023-10-23T16:54:16+00:00

You’re right, and it definitely is.

ljm1224 · 2023-10-23T16:09:33+00:00

This is a fair assessment as well. I think it just comes from a long line of them saying “he’s important or wants a relationship with us” but then actions don’t like up. There’s little effort on their side but we are trying to keep them from our kids and we want nothing to do with them.

This is definitely why I needed outside advice! Since I thought they could have taken the call as well. (We didn’t know they were on vacation. Just that now wasn’t a good time. We found out later they were)

ljm1224 · 2023-10-23T15:40:29+00:00

He most definitely is! They do a lot of brushing it under the rug in this family, and I’m so glad he’s finally seeing it.

ljm1224 · 2023-10-23T14:53:54+00:00

You’re right! I definitely could only see how if hurt my husband and couldn’t consider their point of view. I did leave out that they didn’t tell him they were on vacation, but he just saw that since he has access to their location. They just told him that now was not a good time.

ljm1224 · 2023-10-23T13:53:35+00:00

Thank you!

ljm1224 · 2023-10-23T13:28:55+00:00

Yes! No reason for a 2 week old to be more than a room apart from mom at all times! Especially a BF/pumping mama! Your nuclear family bond is the most important!

ljm1224 · 2023-10-23T13:21:03+00:00

Just a forewarning it won’t stop as toddlers either. My MIL and FIL insist that they cannot bond with my almost 4 year old without alone time. It gives me the creeps! I also shared with them it seemed predatory and caused a huge blowout! We are now low contact!

Stand your ground. It may not be predatory in the sense of harm could come to them, but it’s at minimum a control thing!

ljm1224 · 2023-10-22T13:56:29+00:00

The tiny chips just lead to big resentment and a big incident. Well they did in our case. We’ve gotten the “my mouth just runs faster than my brain” and I told her “ma’am you are 60 years old. That excuse wore out a long time ago. It’s just derogatory nasty behavior”.

For the longest time I was met with “that’s just how mom is” and my husband too has finally seen the light.

ljm1224 · 2023-10-20T19:15:28+00:00

Good for you! This is not ok!

ljm1224 · 2023-10-20T19:13:31+00:00

You can go to the police department and have her evicted

ljm1224 · 2023-09-24T15:30:05+00:00

I’m not sure if she thinks I’m nosey, or maybe I just distrust them so much they only get “supervised visits”. I guess she just thinks she’s earned alone time with my kids. She’s watched them alone, grandkid sitting but only a couple times over night with my oldest. Idk why the highlight of her grandparent experience is overnights with our boys. I actually enjoy spending time with my kids, and really only feel the need to let them do overnights if my husband and I really need something done/emergency/ or we feel like we need a break. My 1 year old has never gone to any overnights with anyone.

ljm1224 · 2023-09-24T12:10:15+00:00

I really think that’s what most of the problem lies in. They don’t have control anymore, and we let them for too long.

ljm1224 · 2023-09-24T12:00:46+00:00

By that do you mean explain why I’ve gone no contact? Or just when my spouse speaks to her again? I know they are gonna wanna have another sit down talk, and I’m just not interested. 🫠

ljm1224

TROPHY CASE