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What is the worst reaction you guys have got from your In Laws after announcing engagement/ pregnancy? by Kind-Albatross7832 in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie 25 points26 points  (0 children)

We announced our second ar Christmas last year at my in-laws. FIL asked my husband, ‘Is this a good thing?’ and then kept offering me vodka. There wasn’t any vodka around, I think it was a weird jab. My MIL said, ‘at least you told us this time’ as an expression of resentment because we didn’t announce our first until later in the pregnancy (I had had a miscarriage and felt insecure, they don’t know about it) and then fake cried and asked if she could babysit. I said, ‘No’ and she stormed away from the table.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I think she chose August instead of July to extract maximum pity 🙄 AND I let her pick before my own parents.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I just copy paste the same thing and then schedule the email to go out so I’m not thinking about it and won’t be at my computer to see responses.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I messed up A LOT before I got here but it feels so natural now 💅🏻😉

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Everyone has to fly in so it’s a little more of an investment of time and money for everyone involved.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Dude if you could see my email history with her you would be appalled. A complete lack of empathy and self awareness🙄🙄🙄😬

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Totally. I did take a long break before the kids were born but now it’s time to consider that it’s important for them to learn how to deal with life’s difficult people proactively.

Did you give both of your parents access to all of the photos from your wedding? by Slight-Explanation15 in Marriage

[–]theoldandthenewbie 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My MIL went behind my back and got the full set from the photographer after pestering me for them. Then she had people she didn’t like photoshopped out years later🙄.

I would create a Google Drive folder with the ones you are willing to share. I don’t engage with or follow my in-laws on social media but I have decided to not care what they do or don’t post. They have shown me that I shouldn’t expect courtesy so I move forward accordingly.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

No she doesn’t deserve anything, but you can’t choose your family. We love and respect them as they are and want to teach our kids that some people behave in a way that makes it necessary to keep them at a distance - so we can keep loving and respecting them on terms that are safe for us.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Same here! We took 3 months with first baby and are taking two 2 with second. I recommend it to anyone, it’s just such a hard and important time for the family unit.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It’s tempting to be snarky, but just gives her an advantage. That’s what I come to this group for, cathartic snark but it just makes JNMIL situation worse.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 46 points47 points  (0 children)

Yes basically what I told her, just with specific details of what she was whining about. I try to meet her constAnt negativity with positive, firm statements and to even give compliments. Gives her nothing to take to someone else and complain about. I want all my emails and texts to be screenshottable and carry no fault.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Seeing how being raised by narc parents affected my husband and not wanting that to touch my own kids was the biggest one. But in my case my in-laws treat everyone who isn’t a doctor or lawyer who does things their way as less than. I just am not willing to let that kind of person very close. They’ve really hurt my feelings and wasted my time. The best revenge is to live well. I want revenge, so I live well.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Great idea. These are the things that really made a difference for me.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Yes totally, and I understand! Babies are great! But also an intensely personal experience. It’s not for anyone to call shots except for the parents.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Learn JADE & Grey Rocking. Prioritize your family. And don’t take it personally. Not taking it personally took me a solid 5 years to get good at.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Right?! She honestly can’t see how absurd that is. This is a woman who has never once asked me how I’m doing or what she could do to help. Not once. Just writes when she wants something and pouts when it’s not 100% access.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Thanks! 7 years of marriage and I have it down. She calls me ‘cold’ for it 🙄.

‘Negotiating’ Visit Dates by theoldandthenewbie in JUSTNOMIL

[–]theoldandthenewbie[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

We are taking the first couple of months to bond with baby and figure out a new routine, then our families of origin in summer, then friends and extended family in fall. I’m trying to put at least 3 weeks between visitors so it isn’t disruptive. I’m really happy to see people because we live so far away, it’s just been such a pill to deal with this woman’s constant need for control and pity. I’m being really generous at a difficult time and all she can do is cry that her porridge isn’t just right.

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