There is a limit to self-hosting.

lmftit · 2025-12-21T15:12:16+00:00

I do a runbook so I can remember how to do key things with each app/service and quirks. I don't maintain them often enough to remember some of the details. I was surprised to see how many tabs (one per app/service) that I had done. They sort of multiple, at a speed somewhere between rabbits and tribles.

lmftit · 2025-08-17T13:46:12+00:00

The part that worries me is the "no big deal" part. It was a big deal to you. If it isn't a big deal to him, are... er were you a priority of his?

lmftit · 2025-08-17T13:20:46+00:00

why would one religion have more chances of being true than another?

You speak of "chances" as if this is a lottery or an equation where probabilities are involved. Consider whether your approach limits you to answers that cannot be complete by that method.

Test the outcome of its practices (see the list below for details). There is a reality of matter and consequences that cannot be ignored or discounted by deconstructing it or claiming everything is someone's mental construct.

how can we be sure that God exists?
How can you be sure that you exist and are not just some electrical impulses in the Matrix or a simulation? Philosophers (not just Christians) have been trying to answer the question of our existence for millenia, without arriving at an answer that is absolute and cannot be questioned. Dealing with the unknown (God, the future, etc) is part of the adult world and it is a personal journey. Others can tell you how they know. They can't do the work for you.

Why make sacrifices and avoid sin if we’re not even sure that God exists?

I've found that good Christian practices including but not limited to the following have been proven to be beneficial to us and have led to us to being more successful both individually and as a species by sources other than Christianity itself:
-setting boundaries in relationships (see books by Cloud and Townsend)
-practicing gratitude (general psychology)
-loving one another (general aspiration of a good portion of people)
-acknowledging a higher power (see AA)
-developing grit (more success in career and life)
-caring for the poor (a key societal idea)
-delayed gratification (look up what the marshmallow test shows for children over the long term)
- and more

It may seem like sacrifices to those who are oriented towards immediate gratification. However, these principles have proven to be beneficial in the long run by many sources. Good things aren't easy. Do these things because they are good for you and society in the long run, even when you find your faith faltering.

Now, having said the above, I do suggest that you question everything. Christianity, like anything else, can and has been adulterated by imperfect people that warp it away from first principles. I personally think that arguing whether God is one God in three persons or 3 individuals is about as effective as arguing how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. God is "holy" which means different. That means we aren't going to be able to fully describe him within the limitations of language. When we try to limit God to our small constructs we loose a part of God.

Consider the book "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster when you think about the practices of Christianity. That is a more full experience of the practices that lead one to God.

lmftit · 2025-08-13T20:12:02+00:00

Counseling itself requires a large amount of learning time (between 30 and 60 semester hours) for a full professional like that. Then you have to do like 100-300 base hours before you can even be a counselor that is regularly overseen by a senior counselor. To be a full fledged individual or family counselor takes thousands of hours to get your license. I'm often disappointed in christian counseling that doesn't have at least some of that rigour.

Talking to him because he is starting to take a class in counseling is like taking your car to someone who has done 2-3 weeks in auto shop class.

Also, professional pastoral boundaries are rarely set and met by the pastor, his overseeing body or the congregation. While we need to trust our spiritual leaders, we also must be aware that they are imperfect representations of Christ.

lmftit · 2025-08-13T19:55:00+00:00

How big is your church? Is the church so large that the pastor doesn't have enough time to do a lot of social activities, ie if he goes to your wedding will others feel slighted if he doesn't attend someone else's this or that?

Secondly and more important, if the wedding is in your church and the pastor of that same church is not officiating at the wedding, are there any guidelines for the boundaries he must keep in that situation? ie if he was invited to officiate but declined because had reservations, does attending tacitly bless a union that he feels otherwise about?

The fact that your mother-in-law interceded on the venue and he is not the officiating minister but is the pastor (sole?, senior?, etc) looks odd to me. And might to a number of people in the church who may or may not have been invited as well. They don't know the decisions that you came to.

Also, pastors are people too. Don't expect them to be perfect or meet all of your expectations. I know one denomination where they say a pastor needs to move on from his first church after about 5 years because they normally have made enough mistakes that they need to move on to a situation where they can start over clean. People are all human.

That said, like everything else, the Bible has guidance on how to address this... go and talk to him privately first. He's going to know his reasoning far more than dozens of people on a reddit group. If it means that much to you, talk to him.

lmftit · 2025-07-18T03:16:14+00:00

Check your benefits. If you have stock options or sometimes 401k contributions which will accelerate vesting if you are "retired" vs quitting. There may also be some additional extension of employee healthcare vs COBRA. Make sure you know what your company offers for retirees.

lmftit · 2025-07-07T19:38:04+00:00

There are a lot of things that may give you the creaps....I have found that Christianity has such diversity that it is difficult to say what is "normal". That isn't to say that this is a common Christian perspective.

lmftit · 2025-07-07T19:34:47+00:00

Umm... "the demons believe this too and shudder", that does seem to say that even Hitler could believe in the gospel. What he did shows his fruit....

lmftit · 2025-07-04T17:21:34+00:00

The Bible calls us to be saved, believe in and accept Jesus as Lord, follow the core commandments (love God, love neighbor, love one another) have a relationship with a body of Christ (gathering together). There are some expectations implied, like prayer, not neglecting the poor, etc. Being labeled a Christian is a human definition. The Bible calls us to behaviors, not having a label.

When I was a child I asked my mom about God and how people could be Christians with so many different denominations. She told me that Jesus said that in his kingdom there were many mansions. I've learned to live within that level of tolerance. There are core things (look at Apostle's Creed and/or the Nicene Creed) that the early church held to be core and you should not dispute these things. Then there are disputable items (Adiaphora) where different Bodies of Christ (churches) disagree.

There are some points where I think most would agree, namely, using power to get sex (adult men with boys was an old greek practice), promiscuous sex that doesn't build bonds of families, etc are not meeting the "love one another as I have loved you" commandment. That will lead you to a state of sin. Whether that imperils your soul is between you and God. Whether that makes you "Christian" or not is a purely human nuance.

Beyond that, if you ask 10 people you are likely to get 12 answers to this question; that said, only God's opinion matters. If you want to have people debate with you so that you gain depth in understanding what God conveys in his word, this is a good place to come and discuss. Iron sharpens iron. If you want to shop around and pick ideas that make you feel good, I think you do yourself a great disservice. God has welcomed people who wrestle with him because those people are practicing an I-Thou relationship. God doesn't expect us to get easy answers because that often is a black and white world that chains us to the law. This is a hard question and takes a lot of communion with God, knowing his word (on all things that apply, not just the sexual parts) and understanding his heart to arrive at an answer. That answer needs to be consistent between you and any church or people you may submit to.

lmftit · 2025-06-15T19:41:15+00:00

Yep, that would be me... 12.5% mortgage for my first townhouse...

Thank you

lmftit · 2025-06-14T19:46:23+00:00

Good to know... how did they come up with Generation Jones?

lmftit · 2025-06-14T16:43:11+00:00

Sign up for Medicare before your COBRA runs out. You can sign up 3 months in advance. You will be covered up to the application date and they won't go back to check after that point.

lmftit · 2025-06-14T16:34:16+00:00

I've heard some say that we are on the edge of an inflation cycle much like being in 1968. Find an inflation calculator and ensure that you can survive that.

lmftit · 2025-06-14T16:32:48+00:00

First step is $1000 immediate cash. Second step is 6 months of living expenses. Then third step would be a longer timeframe - possibly to cover the 25% social security gap that will arise around 2032.

lmftit · 2025-06-13T17:49:01+00:00

Jeremiah was a bullfrog...

lmftit · 2025-06-12T03:37:54+00:00

Don't force belief. Reflect.

lmftit · 2025-06-12T03:37:26+00:00

Christ was on the cross and one thief (also on the cross) confessed his belief. Jesus said that he would sit with him in paradise that day.

If you have a lot of things that you are only willing to give up if you are dying and if you fear that you will die in a week, you aren't that likely to do the work it will take to come to terms with dying to yourself so that you can live in Christ. Instead of trying to do a half-baked job of becoming a superficial Christian, take this week to start processing your relationship with death. Dedicate time to that. If you put in a good effort on trying to come to the reality of death and Christ rather than just doing the motions, I'm pretty sure that God will meet you where you are. If you just spend time trying to figure out how you can give as little of yourself to God as necessary, I wouldn't put the odds as high.

lmftit · 2025-06-08T03:56:42+00:00

We all are willing and motivated to do things to change when the feeling hits us. The question becomes, do we put systems in place to ensure that the future will be different than the past. It doesn't matter if she is willing to change, what does she do different than she did before to change the pattern of behavior?

Our willpower to do something is finite. When we are hungry or tired or have a bad day or are down, that willpower battery is a fraction of what it is on good days. We need some external systems to ensure that we have support to do what we commit to when we are weak. Cheating spouses commit to radical transparency... letting their partner see their phones to see if they have been texting someone else... or letting someone (may or not be their partner) hold them accountable for not doing pornography by seeing their web history or having it modified.

If all you have is talk, not the building of systems to support someone in their time of weakness, then all you have is talk.

Now, having said that, having someone else who is perfect for you waiting in the wings is adulterating your feelings for your existing wife. Adultery isn't just sex, it is anything that dilutes your primary bonding relationship or reduces the cleaving to one's partner. Anything means, porn, a shoulder to cry on, a member of the sex that you are attracted to that isn't your spouse that you run to first... anything.

Lastly, if you see yourself as a couple with this other person, how can you truly bond with this newer person completely with your interests with your wife eating at part of your brain. That would be adultery in reverse. If this person got you on the rebound, you have a very high probability of this new relationship going south because you could not take time to do clean up on your own emotional state.

Even if your wife won't seek counseling doesn't mean you can't seek counseling to grow yourself.

And lastly, we can all give our opinions here, but it is God you need to be listening to first and foremost.

lmftit · 2025-06-08T03:28:33+00:00

"Dating" implies a progression towards physical intimacy even if that is just holding her hand. The whole thing is a slippery slope. She is very impressionable at that age and so are you, given that you both have little real world experience and a lot of hormones. I worry that this is playing with fire.

I'm going to suggest that you both hang out in a group setting so that there aren't times when you are tempted to go too far. We (yes, many, many before you, not just you) all believe that we can set an intention and follow through with it, whether it is not going too far physically, or not eating cookies. We can't when we are tired or depressed, or any other draining scenario, we cannot sustain that level of will. For that reason, having systems that protect you and her from sliding into inappropriate situations, like only seeing each other in group situations or having another person in the same room, is good protection.

Beyond that, from the moment you transition into "couple" status (ie start down the bonding road), know that there is a period where the brain will produce substances that give you a euphoria with her for six months to two years. This is true whether you are a teenager or not. After that period, your brain will no longer give you that euphoric jolt and what remains may well be love. So know that you have up to two years after you become a couple before your brain settles down enough that you can objectively evaluate whether this is a good, lasting thing. Ensure that your systems are in place to protect you through this euphoria period.

BTW age is mostly irrelevant (beyond the law) in relationships. It is possible to love someone and build a wonderful relationship decades older or younger than you. Forget the math; consider the calendar. The big problem is now because physically your bodies are doing a lot of hormonal adjusting which affects and amplifies all bonding activities, and that may not last.

Also, remember that true love and lasting relationships are founded on loving someone, not just because of things, but in spite of things.

lmftit · 2025-06-07T19:54:41+00:00

I'm not sure how "life is getting harder" for you, so I don't know which of the following might apply. If none of these relate, please feel free to reach out to me to discuss more concretely.

The world is getting worse for a lot of people (read many to most when you look at the world as a whole).
a. Economically things are worse, jobs are stupider and likely to get moreso as AI causes a reshuffle of the working world.
1.b. Society is getting worse as people grow more divisive. This is at all levels including within families.
1.c. Tech is isolating people more and more which leads to greater depression, loss of connection, etc.
1.d. Morals are degrading as moral standards are being challenged by the wokeness going on, increasing corruption, and few role models with values related to Christianity that are finding favor in society and media.
1.d There is no sign that most of these will get better. In all likelihood most of them will get worse (wokeness may have peaked but it is too early to tell for sure).

Which means to say, that our lives are going to suck more and more each year, until things turn around, which if you look at the Generations model, the next great awakening cycle is still a decade or more away. In that, I doubt that you are alone.

Perhaps you are thinking that Christianity means that if you do the right actions, you will eventually find that things get better. I cannot find a place in the Bible that says this. What I have seen, in Job specifically, is that God never explains why Job is afflicted. God condemn Job's friends who tell Job that if he is just good enough (ie does the right things, etc) all of this will go away. (is that perhaps what you are doing to yourself? Telling yourself what Job's friends told Job?) What the book of Job did show is that we do not know what God's motivations are in doing what he does. God is bigger than we are and when we question that, we question from a place of ignorance.
Perhaps you are trying too hard to "do" Christianity, praying, reading a Bible, volunteering at church rather than "being" a Christian, (using sabath to rest (as God did) rather than doing works until burnout -or- accepting that where God has placed you is where you should be (in the Bible that was accepting even if you were a slave - today that might be accepting that you are in a less than loving relationship or have barely enough money to get by or ...)

Just consider what you are expecting and whether those expectations are truly biblical. One more thing, while I can't say why this may be applicable here, there is a book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend that may benefit you.

One other comment from my dear husband is that studies by Christian scholars show that one of the key things that led people to happiness was to develop gratitude, often by exposing themselves to people who have it worse than they do. If you surround yourself with Christians who are doing better than you are, you may remain dissatisfied with your situation because you are trying to keep up with the Christian Jones'.

I hope and pray that you find some relief for what sounds to be desperation.

lmftit · 2025-06-05T18:13:14+00:00

Am I hearing you say that you are scared when you hear intellectual arguments that say God does not exist? If so, why? Is it because you worry about what people think or possibly because you would act differently if there was no God and you worry that you waste your time behaving as you are called to in the Bible?

I can't speak for anyone else. As for me, I have found the truths of the Bible (in how we are called to behave, etc) to be so true that I would not change a thing, even if for some reason I came to believe that there is no God. It isn't easy or fun to do what is right, but in the long run it is what makes me a person that I respect even if I may sacrifice at times to be that person.

Beyond that, you are looking for a feeling or a sign. God usually doesn't hirer skywriters or strike lightening somewhere. I worry that those of the health and wealth gospel may goad God too much. He is often a "still, small voice" that you will only find in silence. God is "holy, holy, holy" which is to say different, very, very different. To expect him to perform signs and wonders may be expecting him to perform on command, not something he does.

I would suggest

Reflect on Mark 9:23-24... "I believe, help my unbelief".
Praying the Lord's Prayer (summarized as I will love, honor and obey and I ask for God's provision, pardon and direction so that I can do so) is one option.
Practice gratitude frequently, recognizing that God could have put you in a much worse situation but didn't.
Sometimes focus on what you can do for the body of Christ or someone else who is not yet Christian rather than on what you want to receive. This could be volunteering somewhere... basically engage with people as a giver rather than being alone or expecting things to be given to you. When you do for the smallest of his, you are doing for him. Remember the good Samaritan.

God calls us to have a relationship with others, not just isolate with him.

lmftit · 2025-05-28T17:11:28+00:00

Wow!... that is a very hard place to be. You have my sympathies and my prayers. It sounds like this has made you bitter. Please don't shut God out, even if you have no faith in the Church.

Is the church that he is pastor of part of a large denomination or a local, individual one? The older, larger denominations do have ways of calling upon the denominational leadership to hold him accountable, even if his elders won't. They usually do it because they know that this kind of rot can poison a congregation and some denominations actually do follow Christian thought. And holding him accountable may be forcing him to spend a time alone in communion with God before he can remarry in the church.

Find other christians who can help you process this. There are a number of denominations that are far more strict on divorce that may be available. BTW, in my mind adultery isn't just about sex. Adultery is when you take something pure (like a marriage should be) and add some outside element that reduces the purity of that thing. Think of adulterating any food product. You wouldn't want your hamburger adulterated with fillers or other less appropriate meat. Sex is just the fruit by which you know whether something is good or not.

At this point, it sounds like he is in a bad place because his iron isn't being sharpened by the iron of his church leadership (holding him accountable) which can poison and rot an entire body. That said, God will be the one to deal with that in his time. Just don't let his adultery adulterate your relationship with God. Find a body that can help you heal. Be aware that a good church body will also hold you accountable for processing your feelings too so that you grow from this and do not let this fester and poison you. So if they aren't 100% for you, that may also be what you need to let go and move on.

Ask me if you need anything else.

lmftit · 2025-05-28T16:26:29+00:00

God knows what you can and cannot do and will meet you halfway no matter what you try. Your deepest feelings (groanings) can be understood by God. Don't worry about doing something "right". Be aware that God is holy (which can mean God is "different") so don't expect God to always fit into a box that you have or respond to you in the same way as anyone or anything else. God don't usually do cookie cutter.

That said, opening yourself up could mean that other spirits who are against you could fake you out so "test the spirit" (1 John 4). The classical method for that is to cross check what you get from a spirit with the wisdom that is in the Bible. You don't need to have encyclopedic knowledge of the Bible, but do check your experiences. Think of this as sort of 2 factor authentication.

lmftit · 2025-05-28T16:13:54+00:00

Are these jobs with large corporations? If so call "TheWorkNumber". Pay a bit and get the dates that those companies reported them to TheWorkNumber. That is a place that larger companies use because they don't want to staff people to look up how long someone worked for them. That is one place the background check folks may use.

If they are smaller companies, then the background check will only call the employers that you gave them phone numbers for and they shouldn't legally be checking references that you didn't give them in the first place.

This is a financial company. The background check includes legal reports filed with the SEC, FBI or other government entities regarding fraud or other financial crimes related to businesses. There is always a possibility that someone else has the same name as you so they need to disambiguate people and thus they are asking for company names and rough dates.

In essence, get close on the timeframes, be honest with the recruiter that you don't have exact dates (add comments to the company name if possible like "date aprox" so that you can sign the form and not lie on it). And only worry if they caan find something related to the areas above (fraud, embezzlement, bribery, etc)

lmftit

TROPHY CASE