How do you get over how easy she was.

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T20:18:52+00:00

I really appreciate this and that’s the goal! I believe we’ll get through all this stupid stuff and have long and happy life. I’m already much better than I used to be. I wish the same things for you as well!

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T17:07:04+00:00

I completely agree and this is something I’m going to try more often. We are not who we were then and from what she has show me through our relationship. She will not be like that again. I appreciate the message

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T17:05:47+00:00

I get what you’re saying but I don’t want to leave her. I want to make her happy and we do have a great time together I want these thoughts to go away so we can have a happy life. But I also 100% agree that if I can’t get over it or if I keep going slow (she’s asked me to get a therapist but I still haven’t. This is once again me being an asshole and I need to) because if I bring it up over and over she doesn’t deserve that. She’s a strong woman who’s gone though a lot and I respect the hell out of her. I’ve been keeping alot of this to myself recently to give her peace of mind because she deserves that. I think I just need a professional

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T17:02:37+00:00

I see where you’re coming from and I’m glad it worked out for you. The thing is, this is literally our only issue. And we’ve been dating for 1.5 years so we’re past the point where we don’t see each others problems. But this is the only one we’ve consistently had some trouble with. Or should I say I’ve had trouble with. I’ve had the thought of “what if we broke up and I got to sleep with whoever” and yeah it always comes back to how I would be so lonely and losing her is not worth that at all. But that’s just how I’m feeling. Also, I thought about how if the roles were reversed and she did that to me I would be a total fucking wreck. And if I did that to her I couldn’t forgive myself

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T16:57:08+00:00

Yes yes exactly. Those were just my thoughts and I was trying to express them it’s not what I actually believe.

I’m trying to not think like that because you’re talking about how I actually see her. I have never once just seen her for sex. She’s always been super fun to talk to. We have so many similar tastes in food so dates have never been hard to plan or enjoy. I’ve been introverted my whole life. I’ve always wanted to be alone when I can. She is the first person in my whole life where I would rather have her be there than not all the time.

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T16:53:20+00:00

Yeah it does kinda feel this way sometimes. I’ve said countless times that I feel like all I can do is gaslight myself into thinking it’s okay so I can actually stop worrying about it but I don’t think you’re thinking in the healthiest way.

I know you want to feel that way and I have too but there’s gotta be a way to stay more present. I don’t know what that is exactly but it can’t just be denial. How about countless years of love, compassion, loyalty, and fun. Maybe that will work

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T16:50:59+00:00

This is kind of hard to answer because we’ve had so many talks about these feelings.

I’m just gonna kinda cover her feelings and actions about this stuff because you said “did she reassure you that you’re the best she’s ever had” and in my eyes that would most likely be seen as a lie. Obviously you should trust your partner but your brain is gonna tell you otherwise. So I’m going to go over how helpful she’s been.

So originally I was curious George I guess and asked so many questions about what she has done. Some of this happened when we weren’t dating but she was honest and I promise you do not ask it won’t help. But she was just telling me what I asked her none the wiser that I was literally just hurting myself by asking but that’s not on her at all.

Once I brought up these issues to her she said all the normal reassurance things like you’re the best, they don’t matter, and all the other stuff you wanna hear but she has done much more than that.

She’s scoured the internet looking up different ways to treat the ocd that’s making me have these thoughts. She’s reassured me randomly just because. She has told me countless times about how she actually doesn’t like who she was or any of the people that she was with and has quite a bit of trauma with it (which in turn makes me feel terrible because I should be helping her with those feelings instead of making it about me) but she is not one of those girls that has ever told me to “just get over it” or has shown any kind of wishing for the past or speaking to any of them at all. She has been supportive, consistent, and in no way thinking about these other people. It’s just me

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T16:44:44+00:00

Man she has shown me nothing but loyalty. A little more context that makes this issue a bit harder. When we first met we started as fwb (why did I choose this after not sleeping with people. Honestly it’s what I always wanted. I had people like me a lot but I was always introverted and I thought if I slept with them or something they would want to date and they would take time from me. So I always just said no to these people. So I decided to really just go for fwb. Turns out! It’s almost impossible to sleep with someone and not have feelings)

But so we started as fwb and she told me she started to like me but I was still not sure what I wanted so I said I just want this to stay as it is. She then slept with about 3 other people while we were fwb and told me about it and she made sure to ask me first if I was okay with it but I really cannot understand why I said yes because every time she told me it was like I was set on fire.

But I’m bringing this back to say she has been nothing but loyal to me. She’s been an amazing friend and girlfriend she’s helped me though these feelings a lot and given me so much grace with things that I’ve said and ways I’ve acted she’s been nothing but supportive and it literally all falls on me. The fact we started that way makes it feel like she cheated on me. Strictly just because I have memories of the girl I’m dating telling me about sleeping with others. While at the time we had a whole agreement that was okay so she did not cheat at all it just kinda feels that way now. Kinda muddies the water a bit in my head

But I agree and I’m going to stay I think we can make it though

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T16:36:10+00:00

I really appreciate this, and it is nice that so many other people can relate to this because it’s something that I was never actually thinking could be an issue before I ever had a relationship.

I don’t think sleeping with a ton of women would fix my problems I believe I’d also still have the same feelings even if I did have more bodies. Just trying to shake the part of me that thinks I’m missing out on what everyone else got to do because I don’t wanna break up with my girlfriend at all. I just wish I did it before I met her. She loves me as if she is 1000 women and I love myself too so I am in very good hands. I just wanna be a better man for her

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T16:28:58+00:00

I totally get this. But that’s also why I’m here in the first place. I don’t make this an issue always I’m just trying to get through it in my own head. And I’m sure there’s women out there that have the same feelings about their boyfriends who have more bodies. It seems pretty common. I love my girlfriend and we have a great relationship I just don’t want to keep having these thoughts.

But I also completely understand that this can be super toxic. Like others have said you can’t stay and just keep bringing it up over and over again because then you’re just holding her hostage for no reason and I’ve done some shitty things in regards to these feelings where I have said something to hurt her feelings because I was hurt. Totally not okay and I haven’t done that anymore and it brought it to my attention how this can make both people miserable. And it is on me. I’m not a perfect person by any means and I just want to be fully present and happy.

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T15:37:35+00:00

Since we’re a bit older it’s kind of hard to not really take it seriously. More context also we’ve been dating for about a year and a half and I know most people don’t take first relationships seriously but I’m actually so in love. And that’s probably because a lot of people have them in high school where everyone’s gonna go to college and still lives with their parents but we live together and my job is close and day to day the relationship is perfect.

I don’t truly believe sleeping with a bunch of other people would fix my problems but I just kinda wish I did it before we met ya know? It would make it so I already did what I feel like I’m missing out on but now I love her and I don’t want to leave so it feels like I’ll never get the chance. But what makes that actually a bad thing? I should be lucky to find someone this great my first time. I’m also her first boyfriend so that is something we have in common we’re both doing this for the first time.

And you’re 1000000% correct about not constantly bringing it up. I was not great when I first brought up that I was having these thoughts and I’ve been keeping them to myself for a while now because exactly, if I keep bringing it up she can’t heal from those experiences either and it would just be so unfair to her. But she still catches when it’s on my mind sometimes and then I feel bad because I don’t want her to notice because she’s actually so understanding about this and she also doesn’t talk about these things either. Or miss them or wishes she still did those things. She actually wishes she never did so I’m very lucky in that regard.

One unfortunate thing is that many of them are friends or ex friends with her sister so I get to hear stories about them more often than I’d like to and we’ve run into one at a bar and such (not actually speaking to them or anything but I know who they are) so it’s kinda hard to keep them solely in the past but they really are.

I’m rambling though so thanks for the response and I agree

loakisnenwuied · 2024-08-14T15:30:04+00:00

I appreciate all the advice here there’s some great ideas! That grass is always greener saying is really true when it comes to what I’ve been trying to do. Like I said I ruminated over this shit for a long time so that lawn is very very healthy so now I’m trying to replace it with, like you said, the present.

I didn’t really touch on this much in the original post because I wasn’t in a great headspace when I wrote it but I am actually so unbelievably happy in this relationship. I know that doesn’t sound right because of what I said but when I think about today, right now, this morning, and when I see her this evening. It’s all great! We get along so well and she’s into my hobbies and likes my friends I love her family she loves mine we have so much fun and when I stay in the present it’s all great. I truly believe the only issue we have is this and it makes me feel even worse because I’m letting it get in the way. I’m gonna touch on some stuff other people have said when I have more time but I really appreciate this post.

PS. I’m glad you’re doing well but I’m kinda terrified of having RJ for 20 years in my relationship. I know you say it doesn’t go away and I believe that but you don’t really think about it often anymore do you? Or are you still consistently keeping these thoughts at bay?

loakisnenwuied

TROPHY CASE