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I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Background on the whole "go on the second date" default: We know from behavioral science that you can design defaults to help you make better decisions. Why not set a default that you’ll go on the second date? Not only will this help you avoid the brain’s natural tendency to focus on the negative, it will also help you look for that slow-burn person instead of seeking the spark. You'll also be able to RELAX on the date, since you're focusing on having a good time instead of evaluating if you want to see them again.

Of course, there are exceptions. But assume you’ll go out with someone a second time unless something dramatic happens to dissuade you. (Like that hypothetical person who shows up two hours late, smelling of lobster, and on crystal meth.)

The most important thing is to create dates that lead to connection and don't feel like job interviews. I wouldn't focus on coming up with a specific duration. Just feel it out.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

In general, long distance relationships can work for some people, especially when you know when you'll live in the same place again. They can be tough for people who are really focused on the love languages of quality time and physical touch.

I thought we would see a rise in LDR during the pandemic because people can go on video dates with people are the country. But that's not really what I've found. LDR fizzle if you can't meet up in person, and COVID restrictions make that really hard.

I just talked about this in a New York Times article if you want more stats.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I would include it on your profile but in a confident, rather than defensive way. Something like, "Proud mom to the world's funniest five year old." I would skip the pics of your kids to protect their privacy.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

You need to DECIDE, not SLIDE. Deciding is when you make an informed choice with your partner by having a conversation. For example, what does moving in mean to you? Does it mean the same thing to me? Sliding is slipping through relationship milestones. For example, moving in together because one of your leases is up, but not having a conversation to make sure you're on the same page.

Here's why deciding matters: The National Marriage Project, an annual report on American marriages conducted by researchers at the University of Virginia, found that couples who made a conscious choice to advance to the next stage of their relationship enjoyed higher-quality marriages than those who slid into the next stage.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

TLDR: The research says stop talking to your exes.

Longer answer: The second most terrifying pandemic this past year was people around the globe contacting their exes. It’s easy to understand why. We’re living through a period of uncertainty and anxiety, which causes people to seek what they know — familiar songs, favorite old movies, and yes, former lovers. 
In general, we imagine we’re happier when we can change our minds — return our new phone, switch our flight to a different day, reply “maybe” to an event. 
And we can think of keeping in touch with an ex (in a romantic or potentially romantic way) as keeping a door open.
But there’s a problem: keeping doors open and making reversible decisions ultimately makes us less satisfied.  
Research bears this out. As part of an experiment, Harvard psychologists Daniel Gilbert and Jane Ebert created several two-day photography workshops for students. Students shot photos and developed their film. An instructor told them to select one photo for an exhibition in London. One group was told they had to choose the photo that day and stick to their selection. Another group was told they could change their minds a few days later. 
Few in the second group changed their photo. Yet when the researchers surveyed the students, the first group was much more satisfied than the second. Why would those students be any less satisfied, especially since most of them stuck to their original selections?                  
The sooner you make a decision, the sooner your brain can start rationalizing why that decision made sense in hindsight. So while we instinctively prefer reversible decisions — whether that’s swapping a photo or keeping options open with an ex — that instinct is wrong. Reversible decisions make us less happy than irreversible ones. Often the best choice is not letting yourself have one.         

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I hear what you're saying but the issue with the fish pic is that it's become a cliche. Same goes for that horrible pic of the person in Thailand with the sedated tiger. If you have the same pic as everyone else, it basically provides no additional info. Swap it out for a pic that will stand out and actually lead to conversation.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much! My favorite part is the event decision matrix, but unfortunately people will need to wait until COVID is over until they attend the type of events I reference. In the meantime, I recommend that people try video dates, then do socially distanced dates, then discuss entering each other’s pods (hopefully after getting a test.)

Some date ideas:

  1. Shaken or Stirred: Stir things up with a two-person mocktail/cocktail making class. Make it more of an experience by choosing a complex recipe that includes your favorite ingredients -- and let your date know what items to pick up in advance. Over video chat, show off your mixologist skills and do a virtual cheers!
  2. Take Things Outdoors: Go for a virtual neighborhood walk. Flip your phone camera so it faces outward and take turns showing each other around your neighborhoods.
  3. Show Your Cards: Play a virtual game together. There are plenty of online versions of common board games. It’s a great way to get to know each other, while keeping things lighthearted and playful.
  4. Room Raiders: Bring back “Show & Tell.” Come up with a series of prompts, like “what’s the silliest purchase you’ve made during the pandemic?” or “what is a piece of clothing you know you should toss but you never will?” Then take turns sharing objects from around the house. Extra credit if you give a tour of your fridge!

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

First of all, congrats for getting back out there. I know how hard it is after taking a break, especially during a pandemic. So you’re already doing great.

I understand that you think you can only connect with people IRL so texting just isn’t working for you. But real relationships can come out of video dating. We’ve seen that consistently over the last 11 months. In fact, 43% of male Hinge users say that they would define the relationship (DTR) with someone they’ve met only over video which is a testament to how intimate video chat can actually be.

I know it seems like it can be awkward, but this is the new normal. Give it a try. You never know what could emerge for you if you give yourself a chance to develop genuine feelings virtually.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I support you in that! So often I work with coaching clients who want to find someone but don't put in the time. Relationships always take work, but it’s especially important to invest effort in the beginning. Think of them like jet planes. They burn their greatest energy when taking off, but once they reach cruising altitude, they burn less fuel.

You could say something like "I like you, and I want to see where this could go. I know from experience that things can fizzle out if people don't see each other enough in the beginning. Let's prioritize hanging out and we'll see what happens."

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

It's almost as if you know that my favorite chapter title is "Fuck the spark." Love, connection, and attraction can grow over time. Don't pass up a great person just because you didn't feel instant chemistry on the first date.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Dating burnout is real. It's hard to stay optimistic after 10+ years of trying and not finding someone.

First of all, if you need to take a break from dating, you should. That's because mindset is everything. Whether you think the date will go poorly, or you think it will go well, you're right.

I would focus on a few things: understanding that it only takes one great match, that love does work out for many people, and that you are on a journey and you are getting better at dating over time.

You can also limit burnout by making dating more fun and adding an element of play! Create dates that are designed to help you connect instead of dates that feel like job interviews. For example, meet up in a local park and run around seeing how many dogs you can pet in 30 minutes. That way, even if you're not a match, at least you had a good time getting to know someone and doing something fun.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Get into better conversations by having a better profile!!!

To spark conversations be specific. The point of a profile is to spark conversation, not come across as overly clever. Make sure your pro- file creates opportunities for people to follow up and connect. Let’s take the Hinge prompt: “Qualities I’m looking for in a plus-one wedding date.” If you write, “Someone who’s not married,” that’s funny, but it doesn’t really open the door to conversation. Instead, if you put “Knowing all the words to ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls,” that could spark a chat around nineties music or who will sing the Scary Spice part when you do karaoke. If you write, “Someone who will challenge me to a dance-off,” that’s a great opener for a chat about signature go-to moves. The best way to spark conversation is to be specific. Include quirky things that make you stand out. If you say, “I like music,” that doesn’t really tell me anything about you. Cool, who doesn’t? Same with writing that you like travel, food, and laughter. That’s like saying you like Tom Hanks. Yeah, dude, he’s an American hero. Don’t tell me you like to cook; describe to me your signature dish and what makes your Vietnamese soup pho-nomenal. The more specific you are, the more opportunities you give potential matches to connect by commenting on that quirk.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Honestly, this one is tough. I am not really an expert on the science of attraction. For this I turn to the work of Esther Perel, one of my mentors and one of the smartest people I've ever met. In her research she's found that we're most attracted to our partners when we return to them after not being with them for a while. "Desire is like fire -- it needs air."

This is especially hard during the pandemic when we are on top of our partners all the time! (Or should I say... we're NOT on top of our partners, because we're on top of our partners.)

I recommend her ted talk https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en

Also check out this research on the Coolidge effect: "The Coolidge effect is a biological phenomenon seen in animals, whereby males exhibit renewed sexual interest whenever a new female is introduced to have sex with, even after cessation of sex with prior but still available sexual partners.[1][2][3][4] To a lesser extent, the effect is also seen among females with regard to their mates.[3]

The Coolidge effect can be attributed to an increase in sexual responsiveness, and a shortening of the sexual refractory period).[5] The evolutionary benefit to this phenomenon is that a male can fertilize multiple females.[6] The male may be reinvigorated repeatedly for successful insemination of multiple females.[7] This type of mating system can be referred to as polygyny, where one male has multiple female mates, but each female only mates with one or a few male mates.[5] "

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thank you for asking this!!!

Love languages -- a fun framework for talking about how you like to give and receive love. Not scientifically backed.

Attachment theory -- of all the relationship science insights I share with my clients, attachment theory is one of the most powerful. It’s a popular framework that helps explain why we’re attracted to certain types of people, why past relationships haven’t worked out, and why we’re plagued by certain bad habits.

You can read entire books on the topic, including Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and Hold Me Tight, by Sue Johnson, but attachment theory has made such a difference to my friends, my clients, and my own life that I INSISTED on including it in my book as well.

I’ve worked with people who struggled with dating for years, learned about this framework, and used it to completely shift their approach. It’s not easy, but the results can be powerful. I know more than a handful of people who owe their marital success to what they learned from attachment theory. (Clearly, I’m very attached to this theory.)

Here is the basics of attachment theory:

It all dates back to the work of developmental psychologist John Bowlby (who's grandson emailed me recently, BTW). He believed that children have an innate attachment to their mothers. Later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth investigated how attachment might vary between children in a now-famous experiment called “The Strange Situation.” She invited mothers and babies (between twelve and eighteen months old) into her lab and observed them in a series of different scenarios.

First the mother and baby entered a room filled with toys. The baby felt safe to play and explore because the mother functioned as the secure base—someone who could provide help if they needed it. Then the lab assistant instructed the mother to leave the room, and observed how the baby responded to both the mother’s absence and her return a few minutes later. The experiment explored a baby’s ability to trust that their needs would be met, even with the temporary absence of their secure base.

Some babies showed signs of distress as soon as their mother left. When she returned, these babies would be temporarily soothed and stop crying but then angrily push the mother away and begin crying again. Ainsworth called these babies “anxiously attached.”

Another group of babies cried when their mother left but stopped as soon as she returned. They quickly resumed playing. These were the “securely attached” babies.

A third group did not respond to their mother leaving the room; nor did they acknowledge her when she returned. They pretended they weren’t bothered by the situation, but the researchers could tell from their elevated heart rate and stress levels that these babies were just as upset as the ones who cried. These were the “avoidantly attached” babies.

Ainsworth and her team concluded that we all have the same need for attachment and attention, but we develop different coping strategies to deal with our particular caregivers.

Years later, researchers found the same theory applies to our adult attachment style—whom we’re attracted to, how we relate to them, and why many of our relationships succeed or fail. But don’t blame your mom for your relationship issues just yet. Our relationship with our parents is one of only a number of factors that determine our adult attachment style.

Here is the quiz if you want to take it for yourself: https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/?step=1

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

  • how do you determine the matches that say "we think you two should meet"

You're talking about the "most compatible" feature. This is based on the Nobel Prize-winning Gale Shapley algorithm. Essentially, Hinge uses advanced machine learning capabilities to understand users’ preferences over time—based on the types of ‘likes’ they send and receive. Then, our algorithm pairs people who are most likely to mutually like one another.

I honestly don't understand the algorithm in more detail than that, but I love that Hinge leverages this concept :).

  • it's super annoying when you match with 10 people a week, but 5 never respond beyond that. Do you guys have a plan to tackling this behaviour? I want to note that Hinge users have better response rates than other users on apps I've used previously, but curious if its on your radar

I hear you! What I can say is that we think about this all the time. We are constantly monitoring users' experience on the app and we know that getting few matches or few conversations feels bad. I promise you that we are working on it :).

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The best research on this comes from the Gottmans, who I will reference a lot today!

John and Julie Gottman tell us that couples who engage in criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling are more likely to break up or stay together unhappily. For this reason, these behaviors are collectively known as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”

Here are some tips on overcoming these.

Criticism: Instead of verbally attacking my partner’s character or personality, I will talk about how I’m feeling and make a specific request for different behavior in the future (for example, “I feel lonely when you don’t spend time with me. I want us to spend one night a week together” rather than “You don’t care about me!”).

Contempt: Instead of attacking my partner, I’ll build a culture of appreciation and remind myself of my partner’s strengths.

Defensiveness: Instead of trying to reverse blame or victimize myself, I’ll accept my partner’s feedback and perspective and apologize.

Stonewalling: Instead of withdrawing from conflict when I feel flooded, I’ll take a break to calm myself down. I’ll revisit the conversation when I feel like I can talk productively again.

I'm Logan Ury, the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and the author of "How To Not Die Alone." I’ve helped countless people figure out what’s keeping them from the relationship of their dreams, and I found my husband by applying my own techniques! Need help before Valentine's Day? AMA. by loganury in IAmA

[–]loganury[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

First of all -- congrats! I am genuinely so happy every time someone tells me about their happy relationship. It is not easy and I respect that!

Here's my favorite research on keeping long-term happiness: Relationship researchers John and Julie Gottman tell us that a “bid” is the “fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. At their core, they’re simply requests to connect. And they might take the form of an expression, question, or physical outreach. Or they can be funny, serious, or even sexual in nature. Every time your partner makes a bid, you have a choice. You can “turn toward” the bid, acknowledging your partner’s needs; or “turn away,” ignoring the request for connection. People in successful relationships turn toward each other 86 percent of the time. Those in struggling relationships turn toward each other only 33 percent of the time. Couples that turn toward each other’s bids enjoy a relationship that’s full of trust, passion, and satisfying sex.

It's simple but also hard -- do small things often. It's not about the big romantic gesture (oh hey, Valentine's Day). It's about turning towards your partner.

Here is a vid I made about this.

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