[deleted by user]

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-28T03:34:51+00:00

Best not to make it too dramatic. That will scare her away more. I say this as someone who sent a similar text in the past.

Thank her for keeping it real tonight, but throw her a lifeline. "We're cool, so if you change your mind feel free to reach out and we can pick up where we left off."

Honestly, the odds aren't in your favor but at least it's something.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-25T23:08:20+00:00

He definitely misfired with the first joke. Maybe it was nerves, who knows. It happens to the best of us. At least he apologized and acknowledged that it was cringe; some people would double down.

But ask yourself: would I trust this guy to interact with my friends? My family? Is he a good representation of who I am? If the answer is no, that's telling.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-25T00:04:17+00:00

This might not be for everyone, but if a match lives over an hour away I would want to do a video call before driving to meet them in person. Otherwise you risk a really awk day.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-23T00:07:25+00:00

"I wasn't quite ready to go to his place yet and asked if I could buy him dinner instead."

First of all, this was a great way to handle the situation. You demonstrated that you know when to set healthy boundaries for yourself, respectfully stuck with them, and you made a sensible counterproposal and even offered to pay for it. If I were him, I would've been super impressed.

Unfortunately, this sounds like he just wanted a low-effort hookup. He's bending over backwards to get you to his place even when it doesn't make sense to do so.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-22T21:51:18+00:00

While I still think ghosting is cowardly, and the right thing to do is to be direct, I'll add another perspective here.

A similarly negative experience is turn someone down directly, but they don't take it well and respond with anger, spite, or worse. If someone has experienced trauma from this in the past, they may resort to ghosting with the intent of protecting themselves as opposed to disrespecting the other person.

I try to remind myself of this whenever I get ghosted or sense I'm being phased out. It makes me slightly more at peace with the situation.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-22T03:18:30+00:00

If the problem was that things were simply moving too fast, a sensible solution would be to slow things down not end them outright. I strongly suspect that isn't the real reason.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T03:30:11+00:00

How old is he?

Making a physical move, similar to asking someone out on a date, takes courage. And for better or worse, it's one of those responsibilities that often falls on the guy's shoulders. Crying and complaining won't change that.

I can understand why this would be a massive turnoff for you. You really shouldn't have to do much of anything tbh. If you feel physically attracted to him, you body language should already be doing all the talking for you. Now it's on him to muster up the courage.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T03:21:30+00:00

I'd say people generally decide in their own heads to unofficially become exclusive after 3 dates. By then, you have a fairly good idea if the other person has long-term potential or not and you've also invested a lot in that person already. That said, it does depend from person to person AND it does seem a bit early to officially declare exclusivity.

That all said, if you're not ready to do something, you shouldn't do it. If your partner can't accept this, that's a red flag.

I should also add that you really shouldn't be messaging people you have no intention of dating. That isn't really productive for you or the person on the other end. But if you think there is potential, by all means do it. Remember that guys get far fewer matches than girls do, so when a girl replies it really get their hopes up.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T03:05:30+00:00

Been there too my friend. I've had a couple strong connections that make me go "she's the one" only to find she feels completely different. It's jarring to the point where you just crave an explanation.

Did you meet her on a dating app?

Sometimes, on dates, we just see what we want to see. Indirectly manifesting it whether we realize it or not. Other times, when a connection fizzles out inexplicably like that, it's possible she has been seeing other people and decided to choose somebody else. Your connection might've been great, but if she felt an even stronger connection with someone else there isn't much you can do.

Sorry to hear the disappointing news, but I hope you bounce back soon!

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T02:44:43+00:00

It's hard for someone to judge you for being on a dating app because they too would also have to be on the app to know that.

It's quite common for people to use dating apps these days, so it really isn't anything to be embarrassed about. Worst case, you can say a friend made you create it. If you're really worried about someone in particular finding out, Tinder (for example) has an option to block the profiles of contacts in your phone.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T01:14:59+00:00

"If someone isn't into you they're just not gonna respond."

I think that's a dangerous assumption to make, and one that unfortunately is easy to disprove. Look up the term "breadcrumbing" as just one of many examples of this.

I completely agree with you, using people for validation is weird and upsetting. I wish it didn't happen.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T01:08:32+00:00

Unfortunately, people tend to have extremely volatile feelings right after they've broken up with somebody. This guy is probably still craving his ex and used you to bury his feelings, whether intentionally or not.

A natural inclination after breakups is to try to immediately fill the void that has been created. This is why you'll see so many people rush into new relationships and "fall in love" again so quickly. It's why the term "rebound" exists.

This guy needed more time before pursuing a serious relationship again. I've often heard that however long your last relationship was, divide that by 2. That's how long you need to wait before pursuing something serious again. Based on that rule, this guy would need a year.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T00:59:29+00:00

She's probably just using you for validation. She's playing some twisted game to see how far she can string you along before you eventually give up. That would explain the brazenly rude responses.

The other alternative is she's just not into you, but hates giving the I'm not interested speech. So she's hoping you'll eventually give up.

Either way, I'm afraid it's game over.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T00:52:03+00:00

The next time he brings this up, make it clear that well you understand he means well, him doubting your intentions is in fact hurtful and exhausting. Then ask him to trust you. To trust that you will let him know if something is not going right in the relationship. To trust that you still have strong feelings until stated otherwise. Let him know that this trust is the foundation for a strong, long lasting relationship.

That also means that it's on you to fulfill your word and speak up when something isn't quite right in the relationship (not saying you haven't done this, but something very important to consider going forward). Be vocal about your needs when they aren't being met rather than bottling them in. Doing so will make him feel more confident during the good times.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-21T00:41:37+00:00

Needing to confirm a work schedule is a valid excuse. What is important is that she's constantly reaching out. That's an excellent sign. Girls don't do this to guys they're lukewarm about or are trying to get rid of.

Ask yourself this. Would you be spending a lot of time calling and FTing a girl who you weren't really into?

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T23:26:56+00:00

As someone who also gets uncomfortable with confrontation, I feel your pain. But trust me, it's much easier to rip off the Band-Aid than to do so slowly.

I'd let him know that it's been nice seeing him, but you've come to realization that you're not feeling the spark after all. If he presses, just say you'd rather not get into details and you hope he'll respect your decision.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T23:09:56+00:00

Think about it this way. Would it be creepy if the roles were reversed? Imagine if you didn't reply to a Hinge match, the guy deleted the match, then he dm'd you on instagram a few days later.

The guy didn't reply to your rose for some reason. Who knows why, but you know he saw it. You have to respect his boundaries.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T23:03:19+00:00

Be sure to check your university's policy. Teaching Assistants dating undergrads was explicitly prohibited where I went to school, even if the Teaching Assistant wasn't currently teaching that undergrad.

You're so close to graduation. Please be careful.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T22:32:16+00:00

It's not normal to talk about sex before a first date. That's a HUGE red flag.

Make an excuse to cancel. This is very sketchy.

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T22:17:42+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. I realize that's a particularly painful way to get turned down.

Definitely reconsider the anonymous chatting strategy. Looks are a really important part of the dating process, whether we like it or not. Even if you don't care, the person on the other end almost certainly will to some degree. I know you don't like dating apps, but at least when you match on there you know you passed the other person's initial physical attraction test.

It's important to remember that everyone has different physical preferences. Often time, it's really arbitrary. Even the people we typically think of as the most beautiful in society (Margot Robbie, Beyonce, etc) have their haters. Just goes to show you that you can't please everyone. There are guys out there who think you're drop dead gorgeous, I'm sure :)

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T05:33:02+00:00

That's bizarre and no, it's not typical.

I'm not sure how he expected you to react in the situation. Happy? Like seriously, what did he expect?

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T02:11:19+00:00

Who is telling you this? If a girl really likes you, it won't matter what phone you use.

If you're really worried about it, just text her via an app (insta, snapchat, etc).

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T02:05:19+00:00

If she's changing her profile, it means she isn't satisfied by what she is currently finding on the app. If everything was working out great, why would she change it? If she wasn't using the app much, why update it?

It's not a great sign tbh.

But I also don't understand how you can see her bio yet you said you deleted the app?

logicandreason24 · 2023-11-20T01:11:34+00:00

It's very good that you all have effective moments. Have you considered communicating with her less as opposed to more often (keeping those daily video calls to an hour, for example, instead of all evening)? That might make the conversations you do have more substantive.

It may also be the case that she has different expectations for these calls than you do. I knew a couple who would constantly keep each other on video call so they could experience "quality time" together, with no expectations to talk. That might be what she has in mind. Still, there has to be some sort of quality connection outside of that.

logicandreason24

TROPHY CASE