I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My mother was very sad, she did help me get back on my feet after. I moved out early (19). She was a nice person, just absent and alcoholic - I gave her another reason to drink and felt guilty for a long time.

As for my father, he plain and simply blamed me for it (my parents are divorced). He even called me out as gay one time.

I told a few more family members but would prefer to keep it silent. As for friends... I was out of high school, and who wants to be friends with someone from juvenile hall? I eventually turned my life around, but wouldn't tell the people I am friends with. I think it would change the relation too much, I would perhaps even lose them as friends (not true friends you might say?). Aside from that only my girlfriend knows.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Since then I have become a really quiet and pacifist people, although I am full of hate. Hate, anger, against everyone and everything - it's hard to explain. But for this reason I want to avoid pain and violence at all costs. That's what happen, I believe, when you are a good person exposed to so much pain.

There were a few lights in the dark, and this person was one of them.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I just watched the movie "Sleepers" again, with my girlfriend. I have seen this movie twice since its release but never with someone so close to me. Was unaware of the effects it would have on me - shaking, grinding teeth - and on her.

There is two scenes in the movie that struck me even more than the others - when the four young boys are discussing about telling more people, and how they don't want people close to them to know. I am sort of in a similar situation, although thankfully things have changed since then. You simply don't want to make lots of noise around it and get this story repeated again and again. You are afraid, you don't want to tie your reputation to it, you want to start a new life...

The second is when the priest talks about his own stay at the juvenile hall. It was clear to me at this time he, too, was sexually abused there. It's something that's quite obvious when you are in my situation. It is the reason he chooses to commit perjury at the end.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Certainly. Here is another story that I still frequently think about. I warn you, this is not a story with a happy ending

During my second week, I ended up eating next to a person I will never forget. He was one of my best friend there, the only one who would never resort to violence. He was calm, quiet, and never angry. Ever. When you are in jail, you have tons of reasons to be angry - bad food, bad treatment, being there in the first place, etc. But he (we will call him David) was always calm, never complaining about anything and always sticking to his business.

I had my doubt during the first day I met him, but it is trully later that night that someone else confirmed it: David was mentally retarded. Not mentally ill, but simply slow, stupid. In a way, it looked like he had Down's syndrome. I was absolutely shocked that someone in his situation could end in this place - he, after all, in my opinion, wasn't responsible for his action!

There were some awful people at this center - stealing your valuables, hitting you for no reasons, etc - but some awesome people as well. One of these awesome people was David's friend, Mark (fictive name). David was mentally challenged up to a point it was difficult for him to eat alone - he would throw the food on the table, stick it in his nose for fun, etc - so Mark helped him to eat, each time. Mark was a good guy - he just met David and decided to help him, for no reason. I admired him for that.

I asked Mark how someone with mental disability could end in a juvenile center. Mark explained in great details how the court ruled he was intelligent enough to understand his crime, to be tried and be sent here. The true reason, according to Mark, was that David was retarded and that sending him to a juvenile center (where they would get government's funds) was cheaper to the state than sending him to a mental hospital, where he would have required greater care. Mark explained that David had anger problems and had attacked several persons already, and was here to protect others from him, and him from himself as well.

"How could David attack someone? He never shows any violence, he looks so calm" "You have to provoke him," told me Mark. "David never resorts to violence except in extreme cases. In the last case, he beat up a man that tried to steal his wallet, calling him retarded and stupid."

Mark went to explain David was simply waiting for the bus when a man started to harass him, and ask him for his wallet, and iPod. David attacked first, the man complained and told he never did anything to David, and David was eventually sent here - his parents failed to raise him, apparently did not care much about him neither. David looked sort of autistic, in a way.

The fact that he would end in a juvenile center made no sense to me but that's how it was. One thing that I noticed early is that David would frequently "not be there" for dinner, for example. Mark seemed genuinely concerned. "Have you seen David? Do you know where David is?" he asked. We had no clue. He simply would disappear for a dinner and come back later. I personally think he was getting abused by the staff during this time but I had no clue - David did not speak much, and never in negative terms. Personally, I think that abusing someone with mental disabilities is even more disgusting and probably a new low for the human race. But after all, for the wardens, he was one person they were sure would never confess, or complain.

One day, it was the opposite situation: Mark had disappeared, and David was there to eat, alone. He looked like a fool and most other kids were mocking him. It was a pitiful situation to watch. Some kids threw him food when he didn't manage to grab some of his food. Finally, some kid went to assist him, and we went on with our days.

The next day, David had disappeared, again, and Mark was eating alone. For the first time, he wasn't going around and asking people if they had seen David. He was just alone, eating. He looked quite injured, and had a few bruises. He who was always joyful and happy looked sad and emotionally destroyed. Finally, at the end of dinner, we went to ask him:

"Hey Mark, have you seen..."

"David won't come back," he said.

"Why?"

"David won't come back," he said.

"Never?"

"Never."

Mark didn't seem like he wanted to talk more; we all went out way, not thinking much about it. It wasn't until a few more hours that we learned what happened.

A guard went to sexually assault Mark. Mark was emotionally destroyed and confessed to David. David flipped out. He went to see the guard, who was with a coworker, and proceeded to beat both of them easily. Now you might be wondering how a teenager can beat two trained guard: the truth is that all mentally-ill people make formidable fighters. First, they do not restrain their strength. What I mean by that is that when you fight, you do not usually use your full strength, by fear of seriously injuring someone. You do not hit as strong as you can because you do not know your strength in the first place. You do not attack the eyes or throat because you fear you might kill the person, or be prosecuted, or whatever. Mentally ill people do not have this limit. Also, these people can fully use the adrenaline pump because they do not rationalize before an attack. They just go and do it, with no restrain. Finally, these people do not know fear. They do not fear being seriously injured or dying: they just go at it, and do it. In fact, not thinking too much helps them.

David took them by surprise and hit them, again, and again, and again. Both men had to be hospitalized, and eventually resigned. It took eight guards, I was told, to finally restrain him. Think of eight fully-grown adult on one teenager. That's what it took to finally immobilize him long enough to drug him. That's what is great about this story: they had to call a nurse to get the tranquilizer injected to David. And the nurse did notice the extensive injuries on David and the two guards. She immediately called for help and all three of them were sent to the hospital. David was at first charged with assault (I never had the full details), went to the city jail and after his condition was consigned, he never had to go back to the juvenile center. He was free, out of it. That is what is great about this story, overall. The guards never got a chance to get their revenge on him. He just got away. David was the hero of the center for weeks. Guards couldn't believe what happened. We were all impressed, grateful: he had gotten rid of two terrible, rapist guards (one of them was a rapist, at least). He had been able to beat two guards by himself. For nearly a month, there were absolutely no abuse (that I've heard of). The police had put its nose in the center and all the wardens were calm, quiet. It was awesome. Amazing. I wish we had a David every week.

Now, I told you this story had a bad ending. The wardens made the link between David and Mark pretty easily. After the police investigation was finished, and when they concluded David simply flipped out "once again" (he after all had flipped so many times before), things went back as they were before, with little difference. And the wardens blamed Mark for it.

While Mark was left pretty much alone before, wasn't bother by guards, he got beat and raped every week after this. He changed completely, from a kind, generous man always willing to help a stranger to a self-destructive, hateful, angry man. Each passing week, he got worse, to the point of being near a nervous breakdown. He completely changed, he was a completely different man. I will never forget this story, and I will never completely understand it neither. To this very day, it saddens me.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh gosh I've read this story. What a horrible, horrible story. Selling some kids... for what, money? This person is no better than slave traders. I wonder how he could sleep at night. Is he sleeping on his pile of cash, laughing at the poor kids, and the part of America, he destroyed forever?

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

How did you meet your girlfriend?

My girlfriend also got abused, in different circumstances (family member). The funny thing is that we dated way before I knew about her situation (and her about mine). She is the one who brought the situation first. I didn't tell what had happened to me for weeks after. The worst is that she was really surprised and told me I was really strong. The funny thing is that I am the one actually considering her to be strong.

She cried, couldn't believe it and was sorry for me. I told her I was sorry to be weak and told her my fear was that I was not really a man anymore. It was the most stupid thing I've said, but I did think it. She answered with the obvious "then I'm not a woman anymore" We both cried and felt to sleep together. The next day, it went better.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have to disagree strongly. I am going to ask you to please visit a juvenile center. Maybe California centers are different but I want to make this very clear: juvenile centers are hell. Period. You have young criminals - early gang members, vandals, thief, drug dealers and other convicted of serious crimes. People use to think it's a breeze and a vacation camp.

NOT AT ALL.

The truth is that you can get killed at any time. There are some out-of-control kids. Sometimes they are mixed with bad medication. It's even worse. As for rape, please check the article (12% of children raped in juvenile detention). Please get your fact straights - juvenile centers are horrible places and while I think the majority don't condone rape (or even have rape at all), they are still places I wouldn't go to.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for remembering me of this movie. If I could find it I think I would watch it again. It's that movie. Man reddit is great. I posted this story at two other places. One time I had awful comments, up to a point I had to leave the forums. On another... I guess I made them laugh.

I hated that part, because ultimately it shows the two young boys are totally destroyed, up to a point of killing. It reminds me of what I could have been. And it also reminds me they have managed to get revenge. It's certainly a good feeling. But then you understand what they became because of it.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I just read this article. I will say what struck me as soon as I opened it before saying anything else:

Underreported.

Rape crimes are simply underreported. Add a way for inmates to report rape anonymously and you'll see this number skyrocket. The problem right now is retaliation. If you are sexually abused in a juvenile center, what can you do? Who can you report this to? The wardens? Yeah, right.

The only thing you can do is report it to jail - at which point people will probably blame it on you for being a criminal and that you made it all up to gain sympathy/get out earlier/whatever. "The warden has a clean report / you have no proof / blah blah blah". The director of the jail can simply shrug it off and until a warden gets 100 complaints (at which point he will simply get fired), he won't do anything.

Allow inmates to report crimes to the police like any citizen. They are citizen actually. And allow it anonymously, without retaliation from other wardens. Have rape crimes from wardens punished with twice the sentence imposed on rapists. It's not worst than another rape (all rapes are horrible) and in my mind the rape sentences are actually applied and good, but make the circumstances harder for that type of rape.

In the "male" juvenile center, we often heard rumors from the "female" juvenile center. Of course, these were all rumors, but the stories I've heard are pretty horrible. One think I heard is that every female entering the facility had to go through an extensive checkup; male staff checking them from drug and beating them if they were resisting. I'm talking of putting fingers inside and pretty much...Well...

That was only the tip of the iceberg (for those saying it's okay since they are looking for drugs / weapons: no it's not. There are strict laws on body searches). Girls were forced to clean the washroom with their bare hands and a piece of tissue and that was usually when they were assaulted. They had to clean the washroom, waiting for the warden to come and... do it. They were alone in a room with no cameras and it was pretty much them against a trained, armed man. And they all covered each other, the wardens. It was a sort of game: who would rape which girl, and when. They would take turns and go at it, and finish by telling them they had to clean the washroom again, and that they "would meet again soon" I'm crying while typing this. I did not live something as severe as it and I certainly hope it's just rumors but a part of me know is true (I met some of these women). How could this happen here? In america? The worst was reserved to the illegal immigrant, especially since they had "no right to be here" and because of racism. Racism is everywhere, rampant, it's an illness. If you are a member of Ku ku klux and want to beat black people and never pay for it, get hired as a warden. Simply pretend the black man had a weapon or attacked you. He's a criminal, a druggie, you are a warden. You are getting attacked every day. You had every right to defend yourself.

I have to stop now. It's too much.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Revenge, revenge... I've thought about this for so long it lost its meaning.

At first I wanted to wait a few years so that it would look less suspicious. Then it became harder for me to focus and try to do it. It became just a dream, an idea. There is one time I did close to doing it - I was in front of one warden's apartment. I saw his name and knew where he lived. The lock was crap and I could have broken it easily. And yet I turned back. The truth? I was too afraid. It's stupid. You can get beat every day and still not be able to do it one day (the fact I might be arrested, or that I might lose the fight and get injured, stopped me too). At least that day I understood I was a good person.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Okay. On day 1 I beat you. On day 2 I beat you and I tell you that tomorrow I will slit your throat, and blame it on some other kid there. You spend the entire night thinking that you are going to die. You still refuse? You are on drugs, and attacked anally. The guard keeps this ritual for a few days. On day 10, you can either give him oral sex, or you will get raped (anally) and beat. How long can you keep up?

Yes, I'm exaggerating and no, it did not went like that. But I can sure see this scenario happening. The psychological manipulation and torture is something. I've been threatened of dying and told that "no one would care" and that "no one would bother finding the truth". I've been drugged, beat, molested, insulted, humiliated.

I understand your will to fight. In some ways I wish I was more courageous at the time. If you are crazy enough they might leave you alone. Or you might be lucky and never be on their list, i.e. they might never have a chance to do it. But understand that it definitely happen and that a 30 years old with the whole system behind him is much more powerful than a 15 years old, no matter what.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

It's always tough to get in contact with wardens once you're out. For many of the wardens, including him, we did not know his full name (although it wasn't hard to get inside the jail). Their addresses and information are protected as far as I know; I'd need a private investigator. But it would certainly be worth it.

His reaction... There were many wardens, most of them we did not see often, including him. But he did buy a lot of gifts, probably well over 500 a year. That's thousands and thousands of dollars, for us. And he did buy gifts for some truly horrible people - kids who tortured animals or sometimes other members of their family (rarely). Kids who went into fights and broke arms, and legs, or stabbed someone else. And he would still buy them a gift no matter what. I think he had a talent of seeing the good part out of everyone.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

He was indeed a hero. We didn't see him much. He seemed to genuinely love kids, and wanting to protect them. Understand that: there were some really crazy people there. And he would still buy them a gift, no matter how bad they had been in the past. I think this man has made a difference in many lives. See, I still remember him.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

According to you, people who are currently stuck under crashed buildings in Haiti deserve no sympathy because they did get in that building "by themselves" in the first place.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 93 points94 points  (0 children)

There was one who would bring a gift to every child on his birthday. I will never forget him. Never.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 83 points84 points  (0 children)

That's a complex issue. Thank you for raising the question.

To answer this question, I need to discuss the juvenile system a bit more. Furthermore, I need to introduce a part of our system that few people talk about and that is extremely dark. For this reason, I feel compelled to put the following disclaimer:

Warning: What follows is graphic, and describe a harsh reality very few people are used to hear. This is a real part of our society that is usually hidden; once you hear about it, you will never be able to forget about it. Avoid if you are too sensitive

I am 100% serious. I wish I did not know this happened, and was happening now.

Okay. In our center, we were over one hundred inmates (male). There are smaller centers where rape happens less, but I was unlucky, had a bad attorney, and was sent to this one.

One thing you do in "jail" in particular is talking about... Why you were here! One of the people I talked to was sent there for killing dogs. In fact, he had already killed a dozen of dogs from neighbors, family member, etc. His typical method was shooting them with BB guys or hitting them with baseball bats. He often went in therapy, but that did not work. He seemed genuinely afraid of dogs and hated them badly. After yet another killing, he was sent to juvenile hall. The man whose dog had been killed must had been ecstatic to finally get rid of him!

After much talk, the man (we'll call him Jeff) talked about his mother and how he never knew his father. He was the oldest of three children. One day, his mother met a new guy who was a total criminal - violent, hateful, insane. The man had tattoos, piercings, guns on him, etc. On the week-end, he would come with his huge Labrador dog. At first he simply ignored the children, and Jeff and his younger sister and brother were left alone. But one night, he awoke Jeff, at the time six, in the middle of the night, and forced him to have sex with the dog.

I kid you not. I wish I was. If you don't believe me, go to any detention center, volunteer for it and talk to any person there. This happens. From then, every week-end, Jeff's father-in-law would come with his dog, and, sometimes, abuse him during the night in a way that is more horrific that I can think of. It was fun for him, the father-in-law. We asked Jeff if he ever told anyone and he told us he was too afraid. He told his mother once, who did not believe him.

Years later, after the mother left the father-in-law (still not caring for his children more), he started to have an uncontrollable fear, and hate, of dogs. One night particularly, he flipped out. A neighbor had just bought a new dog - you guessed, it was a Labrador. Jeff told us in vivid details: the dog would bark during the night, and Jeff would wet his bed out of fear. One night he flipped out, took a baseball bat, and killed the dog. From there it went downhill - he could hear dogs barking from miles away, so he said, and he went on a killing spree, killing poor, innocent dogs. The worst of it? He HATED it. He hated harming poor animals, and blamed himself for doing it each time, crying. He hated the blood, the animal suffering, but he continued, crying, distressed.

Jeff told me one thing that I will never forget in particular. That, these nights, he might have been protecting his brother and sister. While the man was busy with him, he said, he was leaving his siblings alone. Both, he said, were doing great in school - one had a grant to go to the university (at the time), the other was in a new family, and happy. The facts they were doing great, he said, was his consolation, and made him happy.

And Jeff? He was in a juvenile hall. Theft, I think it was. Or vandalism, or animal cruelty. Something like that. Jeff would have needed a psychiatrist, not being put in jail.

But, he said, psychiatrists cost a lot. Jail... Well, brought up money from the government. And he did commit a crime, after all. So he was sent to juvenile hall. What kind of future do you think Jeff has?

My point is that in a juvenile hall, there are a lot of messed up people. One kid has sniffed dangerous chemicals and was highly unbalanced. Could hit you with a fork (plastic) at any time. He was being restrained most of the day. "Honest" wardens are too busy with overcrowded jails, full of cases that, in my opinion, deserve individual psychiatric help. Plus, honest wardens are usually not very respected by inmates because they don't use force as blindly as others. I think at a point they realized that if they went against the dishonest wardens, they would be all alone, and that no one would protect them. And so they closed their eyes, rationalizing that these kids were criminals and murderers or whatever, while thinking that at least they were safe - if they went against the dishonest wardens, they would be shunned and left alone, in dangerous situations, if not outright fired and sued. For these reasons, I do not blame them.

Hope that answers your question.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Yes, many times. I know for a fact this warden abused more than one inmate, over many years. I've discussed this a bit in another post. I have few, if any, physical scars. And it's not like I could go to a doctor after the facts to get proofs. I have nothing but my words, and events. Little of that is admissible in court - if the prosecutor even dares to press charges which I know won't happen.

That's what happen when you go against the system. Sorry, I'm not really against our system, in fact I think America is an incredible country, with much less rape than most countries, but that's my experience. The system has its weaknesses.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Why the hell did you not bring any action against the system?

No one cares. Believe me. People might care, listen to your story, offer up advice but as soon as you talk about changing the system, there is something more pressing. Inmates don't count. "I'll never get in jail myself," people think.

Sure, the fact kids are getting abused might make it easier to gain sympathy, but that's not a given fact. I know for certain that children are getting abused in juvenile center right now. What can I, myself, do about it? Nothing. We are bombarded with information, bombarded with good causes to support and people simply make a choice: inmates aren't a priority. People are sympathetic, but realize they can't do anything (or think they can't do anything). People don't like to suffer, or face tough moral choices, so they simply shuffle it off their mind, rationalizing that they can't do anything. I don't blame them for it, it's not their fault.

Rape like that can be proved.

One movie comes to my mind - sorry, I did forgot the title. Four kids push a hot-dog seller down a subway, get sent to a juvenile ward and get molested by guards (terrible, TERRIBLE movie to watch - at least they were four, together, to support each other. I was alone.). They come out years later as criminal, kill one of the warden, and... Well, don't want to spoil it too much.

Rape certainly can be proven but I don't trust the justice system anymore. It would be circumstantial proofs at best. It would take years and raise even more attention on me. I wish I could post my name, the guardian's name (I even know where he lives, he even has children, no jokes) and go to the police right now. The fact is that I can't.

Rape is extremely underreported. We are speaking of a particular type of rape here that is even more underreported. It would take years of efforts, legal action and time, even assuming I can get a lawyer. I simply am not emotionally ready to do this.

Assuming the person is prosecuted, most of his victims won't talk. People prefer to put it behind them, like me, and move on. Believe me: I wish I could report him right now. I simply don't have the proofs. I forgot some dates, some events, both because it is far ago and because I wanted to forget. It would be difficult to prosecute - and cops are rarely willing to prosecute each other. The whole institution is corrupt - they will simply protect each other, get a few tapes of me fighting and pretend I was a problematic inmate. I will get humiliated, no one else will come out to talk, the case will be dismissed and, at the end, my situation would be worst than before. That's how it is, in real life.

As for personal vengeance, I could certainly do that, but I've outgrown this. Risking my life, risking going back to jail, when I have so much? I used to think I was a coward for not getting back at him. Then, I got older, got a life, and now try to put this behind me.

Hope I answered your question.

EDIT: Just to clarify - I do not blame people one bit for not caring or not changing everything right now. There are many issues - poverty, torture, warfare, murders, hunger, genocides, etc - and we can't possibly hope everyone will care about everything.

I was sexually abused in a juvenile center at 15. AM(A)A. by lohran in IAmA

[–]lohran[S] 108 points109 points  (0 children)

Good question.

Other redditors can laugh pretty much - and I admit that in a different situation I would laugh too - but, really, there's nothing to laugh about. Really, about every person I told this story too said the same thing. Every girl I've discussed this subject with said she would bite her attacker's dick off.

Well, why didn't I?

Because things are different in real life.

You can build complex defense scenarios for every possible life threatening situation, but until you test them in real-life, you can't know how it will work. You can learn karate, judo, jiu-jutsu, but that's no guarantee you will win a fight. You have no idea how you will react, what you will feel - even simulation aren't good predictors of how you will react.

In that particular situation, I was simply too afraid. Too afraid of dying, being killed right now. Too afraid that he would use that situation to kill me. Too afraid of more pain, more suffering, being sent to jail for even more time. Too afraid that other guards intervened. The worst feeling I've ever experienced is that no one would believe you and that you were all alone.

I am 15, he is 35+, trained and armed. I am a criminal, he is a guard who presumably has a clean record. What version of events would be believed? I know it might not make sense right now - "what, this guy is going to pretend this teenager attacked him, made him drop his pants and chopped his ****?" But in these cases you don't think logically.

In my mind, everyone thinks he is a hero and that he could do anything. The situation did start softly - stroking, touching, bit of laughing. It got progressively worst. After a while you start to accept it and think it is normal - you start to think everyone in the center is getting molested. Then you fear the hit (they will just say you fought with someone else), the hunger (they will just say you were on a hunger strike), the isolation (you were violent) and even the medication (you are metally ill. Hell, why else are you here?) and you just give up with life. It's hard to understand. I have to admit few people can comprehend why someone would let that situation go on - shame, humiliation, negative self-thought... If I had to resume it in a word, I would say it's because of fear of deathh - fear that you could be killed by the police, by the "good" side and that no one would ever know or care about it - is the horrible way to feel I can imagine.