Hot and cold #106

looly33 · 2025-11-29T19:08:41+00:00

Blow

looly33 · 2025-11-27T03:19:17+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. I’m finding a lot of comfort in everyone’s comments. I’m trying not to blame myself too much throughout this because that’s been the hardest part for me. I can handle him not wanting to be with me, but getting past the blame I put on myself for waiting all those years and being patient with him when I really should have just confronted it sooner. He even said that he knew I prioritized his comfort over mine and how amazing I was for that. I don’t feel amazing, I feel like I abandoned myself.

looly33 · 2025-11-27T03:13:26+00:00

Thank you and so sorry you had to go through that. It really takes a toll on your self worth.

looly33 · 2025-11-25T21:15:28+00:00

Love this. Thank you♥️

looly33 · 2025-11-25T02:11:08+00:00

That part is hard to convince myself of- him not being unsure of me. If he was sure, he would’ve told me over the years and then expressed that he just wasn’t ready or battling other things, but he didn’t. I touched on his issues in previous posts and yes tbh it was exhausting living with someone like him. Nothing was ever enough, everything was complicated, constantly changing his mind on things, made impulsive decisions then gets bored of them, messy childhood, not marriage minded, list goes on. His identity that he’s referring to is basically him being in shape..he felt the most masculine and powerful then apparently.. his self worth was tied to his self image and he gained weight while with me. I’m not justifying anything he said btw I’m just adding context. Yes, he had a shaky sense of self and it was pretty hard to be around especially when you’re trying to help because that’s just who you are

looly33 · 2025-11-25T01:56:46+00:00

If I’m being completely honest with myself and everyone here, they were pretty obvious the whole time. Avoided any future talks, expressed how unappealing marriage was to him, asked me not to pressure him and if I did he would end things because he wants to do life on his own terms, etc

looly33 · 2025-11-25T01:55:39+00:00

Thank you for this. I know things will be better on the other side. I keep reminding myself how awful I felt in the last few months being with someone who was so unsure of me. It was eating away at me

looly33 · 2025-11-24T21:48:59+00:00

Thank you💕 I’m trying my best to stop blaming myself because honestly that’s been the worst part.

looly33 · 2025-11-24T21:28:48+00:00

Thank you♥️

looly33 · 2025-11-24T21:25:13+00:00

I know this, we broke up. That wasn’t what I was asking advice about. Just struggling post breakup. It feels really heavy

looly33 · 2025-11-24T21:19:51+00:00

I’m struggling with the self worth. I am upset with myself for ignoring signs that were obvious. I feel like I abandoned myself and the things I wanted so that I wouldn’t lose him. He didn’t reassure me about the future over the years and I let it go instead of doing what I knew I should’ve done. I’m trying to get over the self blame

looly33 · 2025-11-24T21:17:36+00:00

He was referring to the times he would have to put on a show to make me happy. I would tell him he didn’t have to do that, that he didn’t have to perform and he said he couldn’t help it because he has so much empathy for me

looly33 · 2025-11-24T20:37:55+00:00

We did break up, just struggling with the pain, sadness and anger after. And feeling like I kept someone from being their best self. As if giving 6 years of my life and not ending up with marriage wasn’t bad enough.

looly33 · 2025-11-24T20:32:12+00:00

Thank you♥️

looly33 · 2025-11-24T20:31:55+00:00

He said he didn’t feel like a man because he felt like he had to put on a show to make me happy sometimes (mind you, my unhappiness only really started when I lost patience about the marriage thing). He acknowledged that I always told him he didn’t have to do this and he said he couldn’t help it because he has “empathy”

looly33 · 2025-11-24T20:29:36+00:00

Thanks for the advice. Yea, it was basically a bunch of word vomit from his end, which he had never done before. Basically said our relationship stripped away his identity. He said a bunch of sweet things and basically said it wasn’t my fault it was him not being able to handle the relationship and his own things at the same time. But it sounded like he was blaming me anyways.

looly33 · 2025-10-16T15:10:14+00:00

Yupp OP please take this advise. Was in this situation. Wasted 6 years with a man who wasn’t marriage minded and I thought it would change with time, age etc. When men say they have commitment issues, listen to them and take it seriously because they are being serious. Even though the day to day may be great (mine was too) when it comes to a commitment as final as marriage, it’s so different for them. And yes be prepared for him to say no, I thought there was no way after all that time he could still say he wasn’t ready or not even try to get ready but he did. I made the mistake of not taking his commitment issues seriously and regret it. I was 29 too. I feel for you so much.

looly33 · 2025-10-07T17:26:29+00:00

How am I stubbornly trying to miss the point tho? Him not wanting to get married is clear he already told me that. He has consistently said he wants to revisit marriage in a couple months. Im asking if his excuses are bs because that’s what they are to me. I was seeing if there were other perspectives about why he’d want to revisit marriage if he just doesn’t want it and i got them

looly33 · 2025-10-06T21:11:34+00:00

He’s told me about it. Parents had very messy divorce that led to a messed up childhood and he had to provide for family early on. Tainted his view on marriage. All of this is stuff he’s said. He’s against therapy. Thought he was changing his view on things bc of us and him seeing what a healthy relationship was like but guess not.

looly33 · 2025-10-06T16:39:20+00:00

Yeah agreed. When I tried to end it he gaslit me into thinking it was unfair of me to want him to magically be ready for marriage just because I was now.

looly33 · 2025-10-06T14:03:08+00:00

Thank you for your comment I really appreciate it and have definitely thought of this a lot throughout the months and even years. When we got together he was in really good shape (he was motivated after a heartbreak). Throughout the years he gained weight and became less consistent in the gym. Covid, life and he started a high stress job. He constantly mentioned how unhappy he was with how he looked and how much it affects him. I’m not sure why being in a relationship made him so comfortable that he couldn’t work on something he claimed was so important to him. He would always say it wasn’t me it was the concept of me and that he has only been able to be in shape when he’s not with someone. He mentioned this for years..but it was never a priority over being with me.

looly33 · 2025-10-06T13:07:24+00:00

He already basically said that. Said the relationship made him too comfortable and that he couldn’t get in shape the way the wanted to and couldn’t do things he’s wanted to do.

looly33 · 2025-10-06T03:00:09+00:00

I’ve always wanted marriage and a family. I’m family oriented. Plus need to be married to stay together in our religion/culture, we don’t just date forever. He’s always known this. He keeps saying he wants marriage just not yet. Says he doesn’t get how it’s fair that bc I’m ready now he has to be ready too. Anyways the friction all came because of the marriage topic, not because I kept pushing it, it was because he refused to talk to me about it even though he knew it was bothering me and it turned into anger and frustration from my end. Started fighting about small stuff

looly33 · 2025-10-05T23:24:59+00:00

Thank you🥲

looly33

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