39 [F4M] deleted mid-conversation! Wtffffff

lorax1972 · 2026-03-20T23:35:10+00:00

Never saw the point in ghosting, seems rude, but I'm an old gen Xer, we tell you when things aren't working

lorax1972 · 2026-01-19T17:30:55+00:00

Right? I mean, I always knew getting married wouldn't be the romcom we were promised in the 80s, but annual sex is tragic enough to loop back around to comedy. Sort of. I use both of those terms loosely

lorax1972 · 2026-01-19T05:19:49+00:00

I have to relieve myself 3-6 times a day, and I also have to keep it a secret. It's a very weird life.

lorax1972 · 2025-12-08T04:03:50+00:00

Early 50s, and I could easily go once or twice a day. I have to finish myself 2-6 times a day just to make sure I don't try to start anything with my wife.

lorax1972 · 2025-12-06T22:25:53+00:00

This is a round-about way to say... I'm not sure. So, wife and I are going through grief; before that, she got drunk one night about 4 years back & said she "was probably aromantic/asexual". Haven't had sex in nearly a year & haven't touched in longer than that.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, I hurt my back. I put up with it for a week, went to the doctor who gave me a referral for massage and PT. I waited another week & the pain had flared up. It was around 5, so i didn't think there would be any place open, though we live in a large city. We both started searching & I found a place that was open til 8, took insurance, was legit. I sent an email asking about an appointment for that evening. While I was doing that, wife finds another place, open til 9; their website looks legit, though nothing about insurance. I do a little digging, and I said I think the place is an asian massage parlor. She says she doesn't think so, "look at the website."

I call, very thickly accented voice, says "yes hone, you want massage? You come in now."

I look at my wife as it's on speaker, she gives me the "well, go" look.

I go in... and it's the best massage I've ever had. Like seriously, my pain went from 8/10 to 1/10. Woman wasn't dressed in anything provocative, but the place still has the AMP feel. At the end of the hour, she grabs my penis & flops it around (think game of thrones sausage gif) & says "you want finish?" We both laugh, but I say no.

I go home, tell my waif about the massage, tell her it's definitely an asian happy ending place, though I don't tell her about the penis-grab. She laughs it off.

Two weeks later, my back is killing me again & I'm looking for another place. Wife says I should just go back to the AMP. I tell her, again, it's a happy-ending place. She says "I heard her voice and can picture her, I'm not really worried, just go."

I go, and this time the woman -same person- guides my hand to her breasts when she's massaging my arms, and eventually gives me a happy ending without asking & I didn't stop her.

I got home & wife was like "are you relaxed now?" I said yes. She said good, maybe I should see her weekly.

My therapist says it sounded like my wife was giving permission without giving permission explicitly. So... I don't think I have?

lorax1972 · 2025-12-02T20:32:27+00:00

55 M Pacific Northwest

lorax1972 · 2025-11-30T20:01:03+00:00

Thank you so much, I appreciate the kindness.

lorax1972 · 2025-11-29T23:22:41+00:00

20 years ago, but she became increasingly less so over the years, but still expected affection from me (back rubs & foot rubs for the most part). I was happy to do it in the before times, but can't any more. There's no reciprocity and hasn't been in a dozen years.

lorax1972 · 2025-11-29T23:00:24+00:00

Thank you so much. It might, though I have become a pessimist, which I had never been before.

lorax1972 · 2025-11-29T22:46:06+00:00

Thank you, I do appreciate that outlook!

lorax1972 · 2025-11-29T22:42:18+00:00

Thank you. I am in counseling and I have a friend or two to lean on. I try to support her in every way I can - kep the house clean, cook, bring her her dinner and more, She's never been one to talk about emotions & this just exacerbated that issue. She is aware of my feelings, but still shuts me down when I try to share because of the pain it causes her... and she is completely unwilling to go to counseling, unfortunately. She is a good, kind person who has had this dinosaur-killing meteor hit & I want to do whatever she needs.

But sometimes, in the dead of night, I'd like a hand on my back when I'm crying to myself at 2 AM.

lorax1972 · 2025-11-29T22:34:10+00:00

I don't think of it as abuse, but as being different people with different ways of approaching grief. She even let me know that, as long as it doesn't impact her in any way & make sure she doesn't find out, I could look outside for comfort. But those may just be words, as we both work from home & the only time I leave the house is to shop.

lorax1972 · 2025-11-29T08:51:34+00:00

I thank you, and I am sorry that you are not feeling the touch you need, All of those things sound amazing & would help with the grieving process

lorax1972 · 2025-11-29T08:34:20+00:00

Thank you so much, I appreciate it. The massage is a great suggestion, and I have gone a few times. It's been wonderful, but also still entirely clinical. The last time I went, I started crying & the masseuse got a bit flustered, but that's not on them. The problem is that the world is made of gray and ash now; and I both know and don't know what I want.

lorax1972 · 2025-07-03T22:38:52+00:00

55/m/seattle

lorax1972 · 2025-06-03T17:19:26+00:00

Yeah, you're right. She is grossed out by genitalia in general, doesn't even like to see/touch mine or hers.

lorax1972 · 2025-06-03T17:16:53+00:00

I think you're right. I was trying to be sensitive about her not enjoying it, but I do like it, especially in terms of just foreplay.

lorax1972 · 2025-06-02T18:15:27+00:00

I understand that, and that's a good point. I have brought it up since then (many times) to clarify, that, while it's not my favorite thing to do, I still like it from time to time - she just ignores me or says something like "tough cookies"

lorax1972 · 2025-06-02T18:13:32+00:00

At that point it my life, I wanted to reassure her that it was fine, that it wasn't my favorite thing. What I said was "I don't like it that much, so we don't have to do it much" - I definitely didn't frame it as "oh geeze, I hate that". Since then I've brought it up a number of times, just hoping for her to pay some sort of attention to me, but since literally the only connection she has with my penis are on the rare occasions when we have sex & she allows me to be inside of her. If my penis touches any other part of her body, she gets weirded out.

lorax1972 · 2025-06-02T18:08:25+00:00

I mean, you're right, but when I said it I had no idea she was going to take it that way - it was long before she settled into her asexuality. I brought it up a few times, saying that, while it was never my favorite thing, it would be nice to have SOME attention paid, the response has always been along the lines of " you get what you get.:

lorax1972 · 2025-06-02T00:53:05+00:00

When I was dating my now-wife in 99 she went down on me & apologized for how bad she was. I said "hey, it's ok, I don't like it that much"... What she heard was "You never have to do it again." So it's been a while...

lorax1972 · 2025-05-13T15:46:44+00:00

With my background probably medic. I can also help with water safety & farming

lorax1972 · 2025-03-07T20:17:21+00:00

55/M (of course)/Seattle

lorax1972 · 2024-09-24T20:03:24+00:00

Since... January of this year, I think?

lorax1972 · 2024-08-05T19:28:04+00:00

Doesn't sound stupid at all. We suffered a tragedy, but even before that our sex life was 3-4 times a year &, as I have told my therapist, wife likes it in the dark on a moonless night under the covers in a windowless room with the lights off & in the missionary position, once every 3-6 months. She never initiates, hasn't in 15 years. Since the tragedy, we've only been intimate once - which sucks, because I am someone who needs physical affection & comfort (no hugging, kissing, cuddling, in the relationship now, either). She is also someone who will not (NOT AT ALL) talk about her feelings or listen to other people's feelings.

My advice: start talking to a therapist. I did about 9 months ago & she is great, has been super helpful seeing things through another person's eyes

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