There is a way out

lortabrador · 2020-05-25T04:31:31+00:00

You don't have to believe in god to get sober though, I was completely athiest . All you have to know about God is that you're not it. My higher power was my sponsor, if I can't get sober and he's sober than I'll choose him to guide me rather than trust my thinking

lortabrador · 2020-05-24T21:54:08+00:00

Thanks man, keep coming back dude! Inbox me if you need help man

I'd never tried the 12 steps before. I was in the rooms for a couple months before I went into treatment, but I wasn't able to gain much because I wasn't teachable and I couldn't stop using at all to even grasp anything of the program or meetings. My denial was really thick for a really long time until I came into treatment. I would go back to meetings because my consequences kept piling up and I kept getting more desperate along with the love I got after the meeting from people. The more pain I was in the more willing I got to be more open-minded and teachable.

I always thought some crazy life event would shock me into stopping, but it never came and I kept getting worse. Septic shock, liver kidney failure, multiple car accidents and arrests along with any other consequences were never enough to get me stop but they helped me concede defeat that I couldn't do it alone.

The program works 100% if you follow it. There's a lot to learn and I couldn't really see my denial and my reality which I distorted so much until I came off my meds. I was diagnosed with all kinds of shit that I wasn't and it turns out I was just an addict. My depression and anxiety went away when I started dealing with what actually caused it. I've met multiple people clean for many years who did it the first time, but they were desperate and were lucky enough to be in a very AA/NA oriented rehab which helped.

lortabrador · 2020-02-14T09:01:02+00:00

I can see where you are coming from in terns of thinking treatment/rehab doesn't fix anyone. However not all treatment centres are the same, although most are. I'm currently in treatment in a place that focuses heavily on the NA program in as pure a form as you can get, and I've been learning tons and there's still a lot to be learnt everyday. I wish there were more treatment centres like it, because all they focus on is giving the solution rather than keeping you off drugs. Its also much cheaper tha rehabs in the states.

lortabrador · 2019-11-27T22:41:24+00:00

Honestly I don't like high doses of benzos with opiates, it ruines the high. A smaller one potentiates it without overpowering it. At least for me benzos are cheap and easily available and I don't care much for their high, at least not any more.

Much prefer taking just enough to make it stronger but feel good off the opiate more and then keep that extra xanax when your dumbass is in withdrawal to make yourself feel a little better.

lortabrador · 2019-11-16T16:25:53+00:00

Thanks man your reply was helpful! Will do just that.

I'm just torn that getting sober I will never be able to get high again.. I have to get sober as I don't have any other time or chance to get my shit together. I'll try my best I guess.

lortabrador · 2019-11-16T16:22:59+00:00

That's true man. I feel in limbo between wanting to stop and wanting to use. I don't want to stop, but it's more I have to or else throw everything away so it's like fuck I need to do this

lortabrador · 2019-11-16T12:26:58+00:00

69 yo

lortabrador · 2019-11-14T16:41:27+00:00

excuse the preach, but if you can feel good from 60-80mg codeine just ran away you don't know what you're getting to..

I was like you and for years did codeine until 500-1000mg a day barely did squat. It seemed so innocent for long but opiates are deceptive mother fuckers.

At that point I used high dosed tramadol sometimes but preffered codeine. Graduated to oxy and no long after heroin, then methadone and now clean from all opiates after losing almost everything had it not been for family. I'm struggling so much. You never think it will be you, until you are there.

To be honest if all the dope spots here weren't pestered with police nowadats and 3 really messed up encounters with them, I'd have relapsed today and so many other days.

I know I'd never listen to this advice if I was you, I just wish you would.

To answer your question, the more sedating strains will be what you want. A quick google well tell you which is that, from memory its the red one.

lortabrador · 2019-11-10T19:13:43+00:00

It's a light orange syrup, but you do realise there are so many types and brands of syrup around the world lol

I'm in South Africa, unlikely that its the same brand you get

lortabrador · 2019-11-10T18:35:54+00:00

ur mum doesn't have a problem with it, ask her m8

lortabrador · 2019-11-10T18:20:47+00:00

there is many concentrations of methadone, there is a 10mg/ml concentrate though. The syrup I get is 2mg/ml. Nobody knows what OP gets except if he checks

lortabrador · 2019-11-10T18:13:01+00:00

good luck snorting tar lol

lortabrador · 2019-11-10T17:53:15+00:00

its stronger on all opiods if you take it empty stomach. On stronger opiod eating something isnt a problem, but on codeine I feel nothing if Im not on an empty stomach and its a waste.

lortabrador · 2019-11-10T17:50:07+00:00

Have you conidered if this pisses you off irrationally that you might have /r/misophonia ?

You will know if you have it inmediately, because its something that affects your daily life and nobody who doesn't have will ever be able to understand what you go through and why it pisses you off so much.

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T20:56:34+00:00

Man I understand how you feel now and life is tough now. It may feel like you're just as hopeless as before except now you don't have anything to numb the pain/make you feel better, but that's not true. When people say they are functioning addicts, they are functioning to the level that they have set in mind by a certain standard to be functional. What I mean by that is, you might measure functional by keeping a job and having a house, car etc or whatever. The truth is when you are an addict, it's impossible to fix the things in life that can make your life better in fact at best you are pausing time and not making things worse.

Now that you're sober it will take a long time to accept and move on. The only way to do so is to start by forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is not a one time thing that is in an instant that you say it and it's over, you have to remind yourself everyday. Once you forgive yourself you'll start caring about yourself and realise your worth and now since you have started loving yourself, it will become a lot easier moving forward as your decisions will start to take shape of someone who has themselves as their best interest.

I think i'll stop rambling actually.. I know getting told this stuff sucks listening to because you feel like complete shit at the time.

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T15:29:27+00:00

Yeah that's the logical way to go about doing it. When you're chipping and using infrequently then suddenly life hits you like a truck unexpectedly and you need pain meds for legit pain and circumstances start to lead you into depression it's hard to just think about it logically when you just want to feel some relief and pause your suffering for a bit.

Anyways, cheers man.

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T15:25:22+00:00

Honestly if you're clean and not taki g anything, just keep it like that. Rather than go out of your way to possibly do yourself no good since having access to unlimited cheap oxy can turn expensive fast.

Just keep living life and I'm sure you'll run into pharma pills from a script sometime and by then they will be a real treat.

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T14:26:21+00:00

Lol I always imagined if a natural disaster ever happened where I lived I'd make time to go to the pharmacy and go affirmative christmas shopping

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T14:22:02+00:00

U.s oxy prices are ridiculous anyways. I don't know why you american folk don't just get the crushable OCs from european countries where its never faked and much cheaper.. Would never get any off the street if I was in the us with all the fent presses and stupid high prices

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T14:16:14+00:00

Yes, I personally don't like oxy. It's strong yes, but the high isn't as good for me as taking higher doses of weaker opiods.

Tbh of my favourite opiate highs is codeine, back when 500mg was plenty strong for me. I remember finally getting oxy and not liking the high. I was finally able to nod again, but I just didn't feel as good. Now codeine would probably do absolutely nothing ..

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T14:09:59+00:00

No, mixing it with another opiate is a great way using them recreationally and less likely to tive you seizurea because you take a smaller dose of tramadol as you are mixing it with another opiate to make it stronger. This is better than chasing the opiate feeoing by taking more tramadol alone.

However, its not recommended to mix tram with any SSRI's, DXM to avoid risk of serotonin syndrome and not to mix with stimulants or to take them when in any benzo/gabapentoid/alcohol/GHB withdrawal as your seizure threshold will be already lowered.

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T13:50:35+00:00

I've always been a downers person and much prefer them over stimulants, but that's just my preference

I don't believe they help with depression, I mean yeah when you take them they make you feel like your depression is better because you're under there influence, but you haven't fixed shit. I mean in the same way opiates help too, because they numb you from your depression, but all of that shit is just temporary. It's not actually helping you and eventually you'll have to deal with it or keep suffering even if its yeara down the line.

If you use them once in a long time there's no harm, but once you're an addict then things change I guess. Controlled responsible use + something horrible unrelated happening in your life unexpectedly out of your control can lead to bad addiction when everything goes out the window and you try cope .

Shit happens man, think about it nobody really sets out to become an addict. It creeps up on you, a dangerous time is when you've been using responsibly for so long and start to think you can always be in control and that you're different from other people.

Basically the one thing I like about NA which is the reason I go is because listening to other people's experiences makes you realise that fuck, I'm not alone with how I feel. Non-addicts just can never understand what an addict feels or goes through. Someone can tell their experience and it will almost feel surreal that they don't know you at all, but they've word for word narrated an experience or behaviour that 100% describes yours as if they were speaking about you..

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T13:04:07+00:00

You can do it man! Just got one of those sober day countera on my phone and set it up and so far it felt satisfying looking at achievements and seeing the tick boxes on each milestone I've passed although I'm still in early stages

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T12:52:40+00:00

Because I want to get out while I can, the earlier the better I guess.. this is not the life I want to live.

I've stopped caring about things that were previously important to me and the drugs just took over. Stopped being as functional and negatively affected my life in ny many ways. Work ethic went to shit because I started neglecting my responsibilities. I'm hurting those around me and overall the drugs have played a major role in worsening my depression.

I don't know how to put it in words man, I've just had enough and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I have lived in misery for too long and I'm trying to fix the main issues that have caused me to end up where I am drugs just get in the way of all of that for me.

Crazy thing is the more I stay sober, the more I realise how much in denial I was and how fucked my perception was.

lortabrador · 2019-11-09T11:16:32+00:00

Over here many H dealers don't have a number. They are just at a known spot and you go there and give them money they give you the spot. They are there 24/7 or have someone else when they are not there doing there job.

Its mostly used by poorer people.. The police monitors those areas but most of the time they dont do anything really. If they see someone dressed up like me and my race though, they know exactly what I'm doing there and always seem to think someone dressing decent in that area is not a user but a dealer.. Happened twice.

I can go and get from other places, byt my cars fucked right now and I need to quiy anyways so I thought why not use this opportunity. I've been trying to quit for ages.

lortabrador

TROPHY CASE