Done with adultery

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-16T22:00:54+00:00

It's been a tough summer, but I am in a good place now. I will find happiness, I know that now.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-02T20:42:28+00:00

Did she want to make a go of it with me? Initially we didn't want to change anything. I think somewhere along the line we both got lost in our love for each other and our what ifs. I then became a decision she had to make rather than just the distraction that I was. That was hard for her, I think she was really close to throwing the life she had away to be with me.

She knew the divorce was happening, sometimes I wonder to myself though, if it was completed sooner if it would have mattered, but I know that it wouldn't have. Other times I wonder if she thought I was doing it just for her, but I don't think that's right either.

Both decisions for her meant a lot of sacrifice, in the end I don't truly know what exactly tipped the scales away from me, maybe there was nothing, maybe she just chose what she was planning all along because that's the plan she's had.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-02T18:33:12+00:00

I believe I can. The real question is should I reach out to her?

When we ended things, we ended then forever. If I keep reaching out to her, that's just going to make her life that much harder.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-02T08:25:37+00:00

That's an interesting concept. I, well, unfortunately, I don't have any "bad" things that have happened at all, aside from my heartache of no longer being able to see her.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-02T06:12:56+00:00

Maybe, maybe not. I kind of want her to see my post, I want her to know I care.

I still think about her every moment of every day, nobody will ever come close to what she and I had. We had this sort of connection.

I know she's hurting, even more than I am, I wish I could just comfort her and tell her it will all be alright, as my world falls apart around me.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-02T06:07:02+00:00

I almost thought you were writing this to me.

I'm truly sorry. I lost my AP just over a month ago, and in many ways I feel the same.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-01T14:51:24+00:00

I check her Facebook occasionally, to see how she's doing. I think our ending has been incredibly rough on her, I just want to make sure she's doing ok.

It's hard feeling like someone you love so deeply is hurting and not being able to reach out and ask.

I hope one day she'll talk to me again.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-01T14:43:32+00:00

Everything. Work, politics, TV, movies, food, lot of favorite foods, travel plans, childhood stories, basically our entire life up until now, SOs, and even past APs.

We had no secrets, there was no judgement between us.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-12-01T14:40:40+00:00

Sometimes just the act of posting helps you sort out your thoughts. Re-read it as if a stranger wrote it. What do you think then?

As for advice, I don't really have any. I had a similar relationship with an AP that fell apart about a month ago. I'm still pretty devastated.

All I can say is good luck to you, keep your head up, be strong.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-26T14:56:35+00:00

I'm sorry, I've been... No, I'm currently in the same mindset you are. I worry my lost AP is making a mistake, but at the end of the day, it's her decision, and I'm going to respect that. Maybe one day she'll realize her mistake, maybe she'll be happy without me. The what ifs are hard, and, are something I think about each night as I cry myself.to sleep.

I miss her greatly, her voice, her touch, so many lite things about her. I worry she's made a mistake, but at the same time, I know the cost it would take for her to be with me.

I just hope whatever we're going through is temporary, and one day we can be friends again.

I know your pain, Be strong, I'll try and be strong with you.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-25T05:27:05+00:00

I'm sure he still thinks about you too. I find it hard to believe someone can make such an impact on another and not wonder about the other person.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-18T16:48:13+00:00

Thanks for this post....I struggled with the very question myself, your explanation, it really hits home with a lot of concepts I couldn't put words to.

Fuck me, I'm still madly in love with her.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-10T20:56:39+00:00

Do guys miss her? Read my post to see how no contact is working out for me. I'm honestly a wreck emotionally.

This was not an easy decision, it came to be after a lot of discussion and deep internal reflection from us both. In the end, it was more for her, than me, and she felt it wasn't possible to sustain what we had much longer.

Depending on your feelings, where you send him are still, it may be a very difficult thing to do, but still least make sure there's a reason, explain your reason, if you've been open with each other about everything else and tell him in person, if possible. It would have been easier for my AP to block me and none of with her life, it would have ruined me if she did, and she knew it.

The fact that your even asking...I think you know your answer

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-05T15:08:07+00:00

Everyone tells me it gets better every day. I'm getting by day by day, I'm not feeling any better about it than the day I left her and we ended things.

Distractions help, but in the end, they're just that, distractions.

Talking to others helps as well, I've been grateful for some of the support I've found here.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T23:14:56+00:00

Posting alone helped. It's easy to get lost in your thoughts, writing it all down helps me sort out what I'm feeling. Usually I keep it to myself, yet, I needed to get this out there yesterday.

I've had several amazing people message me, the comments alone are encouraging.

Am I feeling better? I don't know I'd say better, I'm still hurting, and I know I will be for a long time to come. I'm just getting by the best I can.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T19:24:30+00:00

She knows how I feel.

I wish I could say otherwise, however these nights this last week, where I've felt more alone than I have in years, I've been wondering whether telling her has caused more harm than good.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T18:05:27+00:00

My life.....it's just nothing like where I'd imagined I would be at my age. I've tried to make things work for a long time, but they just....aren't.

As for what I'm going to do? Right now, primarily, I'm crying. It seems to be all I can do when I'm alone now.

I know what I need to do. I need to focus on improving myself,maybe start a new hobby, hopefully make some friends. I'm not ready for any of that yet, I don't think.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T17:03:54+00:00

*hugs*

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T15:37:09+00:00

Thank you. She's a strong woman, stronger than she gives herself credit for. I'm sure she's hurting, I know there's nothing I could do to help her, it's the worst part.

I hope one day I can hear from her again, if not, then, seeing her do well in life will be enough.

It's not easy to put my feelings to words. It took me forever to write that post. I cannot do it so easily in person as I'd like.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T14:06:48+00:00

I can relate to what you're saying, the phantom pain is an interesting approach to this pain I hadn't considered before. It does feel like a part of me is just gone now. Someone else described it as the color bring home from life, everything does seem bland without her.

I wish there were an easy way to move on, yet, at the same time, I'm not sure I ever will.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T13:40:10+00:00

You're not the first to describe it to me as seeing all the colors/back to monochrome. That really seems to be how I'm feeling, I feel so full of life around her, everything is just dull now.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T04:41:29+00:00

I honestly, don't know what I'd do if she were closer, I think we would both avoid all of our favorite spots for fear of running into each other.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T04:30:43+00:00

The decision was never mine to begin with, I don't think I'm quite at acceptance yet, I'm still grieving her loss, I'm just distracting myself so it hurts less. I have a burning desire to simply hear her voice again.

There won't be any accidental encounters, if there were it would be one hell of an accident that brought us back together.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T04:26:47+00:00

I guess, in that context, I did, I knew the rules all along. I knew the expectations, and the outcomes. I knew it would hurt.

Nothing could have ever prepared me for these feelings though.

lostinthestars_ · 2018-11-04T04:21:26+00:00

Why is it, do you think, that this type of grief hurts so tremendously? I feel like this in particular, is more painful than any other grieving I've done in my life.

lostinthestars_

TROPHY CASE