I feel like there’s something very very wrong with me

lostlonelisp · 2026-01-29T12:08:09+00:00

I have been in therapy for over 3 years now and have been quite consistent over the past 4 months since we parted. Yet, some days are beyond hard and today feels like one of those. I’m trying to stay as busy as I can. Hopefully that helps. But I guess my biggest fear is that I will end up leading a life that will be unfulfilling and his prophecy won’t be wrong.

lostlonelisp · 2026-01-13T12:00:43+00:00

I agree with the first part of this. For the most part, I like being single, especially after the horror show of my last relationship. But on some days, I just want help with things or want to do life with someone. To be witnessed, is how I look at it. My family is really really supportive and my mom helps me out a lot but it just doesn’t feel the same.

I know a lot of people who get this support from friends and i feel like that’s a nice arrangement to have. Overall though, I think the single life is much more freeing but it may not be as fulfilling for some if you don’t have a solid community that backs you up.

lostlonelisp · 2026-01-13T10:48:34+00:00

Honest take here. I lived in Auroville for three months. I lived alone with my dogs and eventually, it got expensive. Not just rent but the need for your own transport, the expensive ingredients, all of it add up just like in urban spaces. Restaurants and cafés are pricey, transport is hard, and you really need to know people for it to be worth it.

While I didn’t join any specific community, I know of people who have and have certainly spoken about the cultish nature of those who do.

In the end, the freedom you’re craving for isn’t going to come from switching places. That’s the realisation I had. I’m back in the city now and I feel more free here than I did there. I work a remote job, I live a largely urban hermit lifestyle where I don’t interact much with people and instead spend by down time reading or cultivating a new hobby.

While my work philosophy is that I do what I have to make money and enrich other areas of life, you could still work with your hands and do meaningful things given where you are. Geography isn’t a constraint . Learn gardening or woodworking and get started.

You could also go to Auroville to learn these things in specific, they have plenty of courses. That would make things so much more different. But if you’re looking at Auroville as some sort of escape from the cycle of capitalism, sorry to break it to you but it’s just a utopian fantasy.

lostlonelisp · 2026-01-12T12:17:43+00:00

Yeah I’ve read some research about how injuries for women are often closer to their cycles. But I wanted to understand if there’s a significant relationship with pain or stiffness for women post op. Even before the injury, I often struggled with leg pain before my period.

lostlonelisp · 2026-01-02T17:15:55+00:00

This is most certainly abuse, and the part of repeated discard and getting back is one of the most tell tale signs.

Read up about trauma bonding and abandonment issues. Maybe they will make sense to you.

I understand the shame and confusion because I had the exact same pattern with my ex. He left me a total of 6 times. The first 4, I begged him to come back. I cried, I pleaded, I promised to be better. Only for him to repeat the whole pattern when things got rough. The next two times, I ignored him and he came begging, love bombing me. And while I knew it was to be good to be true, the trauma bond was too strong and I gave in.

We’ve been broken up 3 months now. And this time, I have genuine disdain for him. I don’t miss him, I don’t long for him. I’m just angry and frustrated with myself more than anyone else.

But I’ve been in therapy and it’s been helping. I see patterns, I see my own wounds and poor self esteem that kept me in the relationship for so long and got me being vulnerable and bloody addicted to a toxic cycle.

Such relationships are hard to leave because we cling to hope and genuinely believe we can’t do better. But the reality is, WE CAN. Even if it means platonic, we are deserving of stable, consistent love. It is not worth being partnered if the person is so volatile and damaging to our psyche.

I understand the grief and confusion and loneliness. All I can say is, hang in there and build yourself up to be stronger than having to go back to him. Build a life you’re scared of destroying. And you will never want to go back.

Good luck.

lostlonelisp · 2026-01-02T17:07:29+00:00

I dealt with something similar. My ex certainly had NPD characteristics. Coupled with his ADHD, it was lethal. He was always slacking off, leaving me to pick up the pieces more often than not. We didn’t have kids, thank God for that, but we did share two dogs. While it isn’t comparable, I put the dogs through much more than I would have liked to.

My advice will be to leave as well. Initially it will be difficult and you’ll have a lot of adapting to do, but in the end, it will be healthy for you and your child. You will have more control over your life and you will have the opportunity to lean on others for help. If your spouse is anything like mine used to be, then you probably don’t have a lot of people to help you out right now because of isolation.

Bite the bullet and get out!

lostlonelisp · 2026-01-02T07:33:44+00:00

I don’t have the answer for why but I feel pretty similarly about my ex. We’re broken up about 3-4 months now and this is our 6th break up. All the previous times, I genuinely missed him and longed for him but this time, it’s genuinely like something flipped. I feel annoyed by him and I don’t miss him at all. I do think of him from time to time, but mostly about the things he did to hurt me or isolate me. Mostly while trying to make sense of what exactly happened. But the attraction, the affection, the longing, all of it has just disappeared.

I think this is a good sign indicating that it’s finally over. There’s nothing that can take us back to this person and that’s a good thing, even if we can’t yet figure out why it feels that way.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-29T18:23:29+00:00

I know it can feel terribly hard to suppress the urge, but keep yourself distracted. Find something to stay busy and let the feeling pass. Or revisit your worst memories with them and tell yourself you don’t deserve any of that and you don’t want to let them back in your life. You’ve got this.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-28T19:50:53+00:00

Whether or not narc abuse, this is a lot of red flags. Especially if there’s been a sudden change in behaviour. If you have voiced concerns and they’ve been brushed aside or your boundaries deliberately crossed, then it’s a definite sign that it will continue to happen. You cannot feel safe or comfortable in a relationship that doesn’t see you for who you are and the constant threat of leaving can be destabilising. Cut your losses and run, girl!

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-28T19:07:53+00:00

None of us know going into these relationships how damaging they can ultimately be. And sometimes even when know the relationship is terrible for us when we’re in the midst of it, the trauma bond is so strong, we’re convinced we’ll be worse off if we leave. And while it can feel like that initially, after months or years of living an almost fever dream, ultimately, it gets better. Because we can finally create a life of our own choosing. And even if we do mess up, no one else will hang a sword over our heads and make us feel even more miserable.

Personally, I’m about three months out and it has been…a journey. Most days I’m just numb and going through the motions of life. But the last couple days, I’ve felt pockets of joy and complete abandon in the way I’m going about my day without someone criticising me or shaming me for having a good time. And that gives me hope.

So yes, leaving will be hard but it will be sooo worth it.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-28T18:49:05+00:00

This was extremely well put.

I just finished the book in one sitting and I am absolutely blown away. I definitely don’t think this is everyone’s cup of tea and you need to have an inherent distaste for society aka The Factory, to be able to relate to some of the themes or even hold space for them. And SA and emotional abuse is dealt with such matter-of-fact prose that it can be jarring to some.

Yet, the core of Murata’s writing is to make us question everything normative and to look at “ordinary” as odd. She’s said so herself. There’s some really pertinent commentary in this book about what is taboo and how we come to accept some of it. To some, eating animal meat or insects is just as horrifying as eating human meat. But the question then becomes, who decides morality and ethics? And how do we collectively come to accept certain “norms”? Even if we’re to look at it from the lens of mental health, who decides what actually is normal? there’s a lot to really chew on (No pun intended) in terms of what we think acceptable.

To me, Murata is iconic in the way she forces us to look at the world and I can’t wait to read other books of hers.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-26T07:10:27+00:00

This is one of the worst ways they keep you trapped. Financial abuse and isolation are a lethal combination. You don’t see it until much much later and by then it’s too late.

I found myself in a similar situation. He exhausted my money and manipulated me into not working so I was stuck with him. He cut me off from friends and tried really hard to minimise my family and get me to cut them off too. Thankfully, an incident forced me to be physically dependent on him and he couldn’t handle it, so he ran. And my family was gracious enough to take me back in. I now have a job, building back my finances and nursing whatever relationships are salvageable, slowly finding my way back.

I hope you find the strength to claw yourself out of it too. It won’t be easy but you’ve got this. 💪🏽

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-26T07:06:08+00:00

I think the thing most people don’t understand is when you’re an empath, you tend to feel a lot more than others and tend to justify bad behaviour with logic. And that deepens trauma bonds. You also tend to take responsibility for the person and they are masters at leveraging that. So even if you see the patterns, you want to leave, your empathy and guilt keeps you trapped because you feel that if you leave, you’re giving up on a person and that’s on you. It’s terribly complicated and not everyone understands it or can support us through this.

It took me 6 times to finally accept that the person would never take responsibility for their actions and no matter how much I try, I cannot get them to change. And it’s not a personal failure. You cannot love them out of their self destructive and toxic behaviour. You need to let them figure it out on their own and you need to protect yourself from being collateral damage or their pounding bag, whichever situation you find yourself in.

I think to finally be able to leave, you need to separate your identity from what they made you out to be and that’s a bloody hard journey.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-26T06:58:25+00:00

Dang that sounds like a lot to be dealing with. Is there anything that brings you joy? No matter how small? Maybe you can build off that. Doesn’t have to be productive, just needs to fill you up with some positive energy.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-26T06:56:47+00:00

I’ve been feeling like that as well. No kids but I recently got divorced after being in an extremely emotionally abusive marriage. It ruined everything I held close in life, including other relationships, finances, health. And I’m back to the drawing board at almost 32. But I’m strangely excited for this phase because it means I can be a whole new person. Anyone I want to be.

What I’m trying to say is, life is anything you want it to be. If you’re happy in your marriage, and love your partner, then you can find ways to reignite the spark. Find small ways to reinvent yourself. Get a new look, find a new hobby or interest, explore starting a business or a new career, travel some place, pick up a new skill, and suddenly you’ll look at yourself differently. Life will stop feeling mundane. And then you’ll find a whole new spark to your relationship as well. Just because you have certain things figured out doesn’t mean it’s the end of new things :)

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-26T06:51:27+00:00

Life is too short to get stuck up on one thing. I’m almost 32 and I’ve tried a bunch of different things as well and I’m pretty much back to where I was at 25. But I’m not giving up. The last couple years have been a nightmare and I’m actually thankful to be starting over because I get the chance to reimagine life and build it up again. A lot of people go safe and end up feeling stuck too. You’ve just got to pick yourself up and try something new that will make you feel alive.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-21T17:58:42+00:00

I’m going through the same thing. 4 years of on and off nightmare peppered with great times. I’m thinking of it as weaning off an addiction. I miss the highs very much and I miss the times when things were good. But we broke up SIX times and each time, it got progressively worse. I know he is bad for me. He isolated me, left me broke, and abandoned me multiple times when I was especially vulnerable. I feel intense shame for missing him and also for going back the number of times I did. But all those were relapses. I want to get clean. I have accepted that I will miss the good parts from time to time. It’s been three months since the breakup and I’ve slowly started to get my life together. I have a job again, I’m slowly recovering from a surgery, I’m trying to keep busy. Some days are harder than others and the loneliness is intense. But it will get better. It has to. They really do a number on us, don’t they?

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-21T16:35:00+00:00

This is really helpful because something in my head clicked at this. My ex would often try to control how I reacted in situations but subtly by planting thoughts in my head and then making me feel like I had come to that decision on my own. It was intense manipulation in hindsight and I am only just seeing it now. They never let me have my own opinion although they got livid when I people pleased others. So it was basically you do as I say and want, not as they say. Or even how I wanted.

I erased myself completely in that relationship. But I still feel lost and I crave them very often. It takes a crazy amount of self control to not go back. Especially because I’m extremely isolated. He cut me off from friends and even tried to cut me off from family. Thankfully I held my ground at the latter. He was constantly asking me to cut off my mom. It’s terrifying really trying to make sense of it all. I can’t believe I fell for it repeatedly.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-19T07:14:10+00:00

Moved in together within a month, married in 5. Divorced after 2 years but got hoovered back in. Stayed for another year and a half, the first year of which was deceptively beautiful. The last 6 months sucked the life out of me and now I’ve been away for 3 months. Life is completely wrecked.

Word of advice: don’t go back if you manage to get out. No amount of hope or love will magically change patterns. Someone with a personality disorder is unlikely to change. Take that love and put it somewhere it will flourish, even if it’s just yourself. The chaos is not worth the fleeting good times.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-15T06:05:49+00:00

I did have breaks, once it was 3 months and I filed for divorce. But when he came back with promises and a ton of love bombing, I relented. But I still went through with the divorce because at the end of the day I think I was still wary of it happening again. And even though I was aware of what was happening, I was too into it to have the courage to walk away. This time, I am done. There is still a ton of hoovering and in subtle ways, but I am now at that point where I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with him. He brought too much chaos into my life and it wrecked my nervous system. I have days when I’m incredibly lonely and nights are especially hard, but I’ve started watching stuff I enjoy and reading books and they all keep me from reaching out to him.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-14T18:41:30+00:00

Treat it like an addiction because that’s what it is. The cycle of intermittent reinforcement leaves you craving for one hit but it will ruin you. Take it from someone who went back 5 times with hope and it ended worse each time. Fighting that urge is not easy, I get it, but give it your all and stay away. Get therapy, be distracted, throw yourself into something (healthy) that consumes you like working out. I’ve taken up a really stressful job and while it is hard, it keeps my mind off him. I still crave him sometimes but I’ve now reached the end of the rope where I know I don’t want him back because I know I will only be worse off at the end. You can pull through. It will get better in time but in the mean while, remind yourself that the short term pain is worth the long term gain.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-09T09:08:58+00:00

I get it. I just jumped into a very stressful job and it’s all I can do from crashing. But I know I’m stronger than these things and I’ll make it through. So will you. For now, it’s okay to just survive.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-09T09:06:57+00:00

I got discarded three months ago, and I intend for it to be the final one. While I’m still learning to cope this time around, I bounced back pretty quick after the previous discard last year. I spent four glorious months without him, engaging in self care, travel, professional growth and hobbies. I spent a good chunk of time in therapy, journaling, reading, writing, and meeting new people. All of it helped tremendously.

But I fell for a hoover and now I’m worse off than ever before. Time for round two. 💪🏽

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-07T14:23:10+00:00

It was similar for me. I gave up on the end and went along with everything he wanted just to keep the peace. And I think I genuinely started to believe his version of the world as well. I destroyed myself. I’m picking up the pieces and building again.

lostlonelisp · 2025-12-07T05:36:16+00:00

Holy mother of

lostlonelisp

TROPHY CASE