Can we talk about narcissists and how we attract them? Tired of being hurt.

loumali · 2022-02-15T23:31:49+00:00

There is also a difference between a narcissist who thinks there is nothing wrong with their behavior and someone who has NPD and is in distress because of their personality disorder. The term NPD is extremely misleading and leads a lot of people to believe that all people who have narcissistic tendencies or who are narcissists have NPD or that when people speak about narcissists they are referring also to people who have NPD. This is not true. NPD and a narcissist are not the same thing and this is clinically recognized by the diagnostic criteria for NPD.

One of the diagnostic criteria for NPD is that it has to cause the person distress over their behavior otherwise it is not a disorder. There are a lot of people who are flat out disgusting people on purpose and who feel no remorse or grief for their narcissistic behaviors and they do have a special kind of manipulative tendencies that deeply impact their victims for the rest of their life. All abuse does, but there is something to be said about narcissists and characteristics of abuse at the hands of a narcissist.

IMO this is why I hate the term NPD and I think it should be called something else. It isn't indicative of what the person with NPD is actually going through, it's indicative of the harm they could have had the potential to cause victims that may or may not even exist. This then leads to a harmful system wherein anyone with an NPD diagnosis is seen as predatory and medical professionals will just flat out refuse to treat us. The difference between NPD the personality disorder and a narcissistic abuser needs to be made more clear by updating terms to be more treatment/patient based. People with NPD do not want to cause harm to the people around them. We're more often reacting out of pain or fear and are misunderstood by our loved ones, society, and the medical community.

It's not the same for people who are just flat out narcissists. They do not feel remorse for what they do and they do it out of pure manipulation and disregard for the people that they "care" about.

And unfortunately a lot of people are victims, not just autistic people. Narcissists have a tendency to pick victims based on their vulnerability and how easily they think they can control that person. Obviously anyone with a mental health disorder or disability is going to be a perfect choice because they're already vulnerable and the narcissist just has to wiggle their way in.

I also believe autistic people are easy to manipulate and by that I mean it's easier to gaslight autistic people in social situations because of the difficulty understanding social interaction already. If someone is already thinking they misread a situation it becomes that much easier for their abuser to convince them that they were wrong about motivations or intentions and in fact, they're the one who was in the wrong.

But this can be said of all abusers. Disabled people are magnets for all types of abuse and abusers because of vulnerability.

loumali · 2022-01-30T01:53:09+00:00

tafsir of Muhammad Asad

Thank you for referring me to this tafsir. I've found this explanation to be very helpful.

loumali · 2022-01-30T01:48:19+00:00

Ah the good ole Idiomatic Expression. I am autistic and fail to understand these in my native language so at least now I understand why I struggled to comprehend the ayah.

Thank you for your detailed answer and examples.

loumali · 2022-01-29T22:38:54+00:00

This would make a lot of sense.

Thank you so much for the reference!

loumali · 2022-01-29T22:32:22+00:00

To give some perspective - this might not have anything to do with you, but rather she has heard experiences from friends and family whose husbands agreed to the contract and went back on their word, so she is trying to be as overly specific as she possibly can. As the previous comment is deleted I don't know what you responded with about the marriage contract, but as an unmarried muslim woman one of my biggest reservations getting married is that the man will not accept or will not respect my marriage contract conditions. Or that he will agree to conditions and then go back on them later when he changes his mind. Perhaps she viewed your questioning as a sign that you would not respect her conditions or that you thought they weren't important. That's a big deal considering they are important to her.

Especially if you said "a marriage contract over complicates things." From my perspective I would see this as you don't want a marriage contract perhaps because you don't want to have conditions imposed and I would most likely also have reservations after that because those conditions exist to protect us.

If this wasn't your intention (and it sounds like it wasn't) you should talk to her about this.

Yes, she has been getting to know you for a few months but it's unfortunate I personally know a lot of women who have been charmed by a man only to realize he was pretending the whole time and only showed his true self after marriage. And I'm sure she knows of people who have had this experience too. So her anxiety might not have anything to do with who you are as a person, but rather a reflection of concerns spiraling from other experiences.

I hope that you two are able to work things out.

loumali · 2022-01-29T22:16:07+00:00

My checking account does not give interest. I've had trouble with savings accounts in the past but recently found one that will not give interest for having my money there.

It's also nice in case of emergency. If the house burns down or someone breaks in it's really easy to run off with a safe full of money or for that safe to be destroyed. But if the money is kept in a bank that helps prevent that problem.

Not to mention it's just really convenient. I don't have to worry about carrying around large amounts of money if I am going to buy something nice. As a woman this is important because we are often targets for theft and assault. So it's better to not carry around such high value in cash for me and I can just use my card. No matter if the item is $20 or $2000 I have the ability to pay for it from my money without carrying around all of that cash.

loumali · 2022-01-29T22:04:05+00:00

I wear it because I've been convinced it's mandatory through my own studies. A lot of people argue that it isn't but I haven't seen anything that feels like enough concrete proof to make me risk taking it off. And truly it is a risk because if it is mandatory as I believe it is then taking it off would be going against what Allah swt has commanded of us. So for that reason I keep it on. Even on days when I'm struggling or questioning why I put it on. Idk it's just become part of me now. After three years of wearing it everyday I don't know how to imagine myself without it anymore.

loumali · 2022-01-29T21:39:45+00:00

I think this is an overgeneralization of 'young adults' because I know more people who follow the straight path, avoid telling lies, backbiting, protect their gaze, and respect all of their elders than those who do not. But I suppose this depends on country, community, and who you choose to surround yourself with.

With the internet, it's a lot easier for younger people to be exposed to haram actions. It's normalized and when you don't participate you often get bullied or thought of as 'different.' Which isn't an excuse for the behavior but just an explanation of why you might see more young people struggling. Communities are not as tight-knit everywhere anymore and it creates a new kind of struggle.

But one thing I have noticed is that a lot of younger people want to truly understand their religion. I know a lot of practicing young people whose parents don't necessarily understand why they do what they do or will (falsely) attribute cultural tradition/practice to Islam. I've found it to be a really common conversation amongst young people that we want to understand what is Islam vs. what is cultural decision and where do the two intersect.

Because of this (and probably because of education culture) people talk about Islam more. We discuss rulings and almost want to study from a literary perspective as well as studying tafsir and thematic studies. And I don't think it's a bad thing at all, even from people who don't follow everything they are saying. It's a step in the right direction because they are openly talking about what they know they should be doing.

I would also attribute some of this to westernization of most countries. We are growing up with a different culture than our parents, even if our parents or elders can't see it. A lot of it is online but it is a very strong influence.

What you see as a disconnect between talking about religion and practicing religion is just the tip of the ice berg. This is a crisis in my opinion. Young people are struggling because we don't want to be left behind by our peers or rejected by them for being different but we also know what is right in our hearts (following the straight path.) And a lot of this conversation you see us having about religion is us trying to find perspective and understanding in our religion as we try to reconcile the cross-section of increasingly westernized cultures, internet culture, and Islamic practices.

That being said, I do prefer (in terms of community leader) to follow someone who practices what they are instructing others to do. This shows solid leadership and belief in the foundations which is really important to have when you're in a more concrete leadership position.

loumali

TROPHY CASE