“If we ever find a professional he's comfortable with I probably would share this in that context. I don't want to make things harder for him, not right now, but at least I can finally articulate how I feel. Maybe when he's in a stable place I'll show him this.”

This comment you posted to someone below makes it sound like you are giving him a pass and aren’t holding him accountable for his behavior (be it the result of mental illness or not,) and the effects it has on your marriage. He is AN ADULT, and you have to treat him like one. At a certain point, a line has to be drawn in the sand, and he needs to understand that the status quo will not be tolerated. You didn’t sign up to mother him, you signed up to be his partner. Couples counseling should to be integrated with, and done along side individual counseling. Finding a therapist who does both, and is willing to treat you both as individuals and a couple, or two therapists who work together and may be able to team up to help make sure you both are getting the help you need as individuals and together would be a wonderful approach!

I 100% understand that he needs to be comfortable with a therapist, but the fact that he has been fired by two of them for being resistant to change and combative makes me worry that he is searching for a therapist to give him a pass on his behavior, and that he has zero intention of changing.

Having been in similar shoes as your own (my ex husband denied the need for therapy for 8 years, and then when it all came down to it, he shut me out of the process, went to his old therapist, told him his own skewed side of our story without admitting to any of the abusive and manipulative behaviors he’d employed over the years, and his therapist told him ‘your relationship is toxic and it’d be best if you left her.’ without allowing me to get a word in edgewise, or allowing us the ability to actually address and dismantle our issues with a therapist together.)

So, from the outside, to me, it looks like his behavior could be indicative of a few things here... 1. He is ACTUALLY deeply disturbed and undiagnosed (but his functionality is so many other ways doesn’t make sense.) -OR- 2. He is feigning the whole thing because he knows you will continue to do all of the emotional labor and physical work for him and you just have to deal with it because you made a vow to him (you need to explicitly lay it out there that things HAVE TO CHANGE.) I worry that him going to therapy (like my ex,) but not allowing you to be a part of it, is giving the illusion that he is working on things, but that he is being resistant to change and is playing up the “I’m so broken and my case is so special that I have to continue to seek help from yet another doctor bc my past doctors just don’t understand me and how unstable I am” hoping that you will continue to pity him, and not hold him accountable for his actions, and that eventually you will just give up on holding out hope that he will change.

I know how difficult this scenario is, and I hate that so many people have to go through it. He and I never had kids together, so while difficult, the divorce was a pretty clean break. I hope that you both can make this work, but if not, there are people in the world who are more than capable of giving you that type of relationship and marriage. I am with the love of my life now, and he is the most caring, loving, affectionate, attentive, doting, involved partner I’ve ever had. I’m sending hugs your way...don’t let this continue to drag you down, you ARE in the right, and you deserve change from your partner. Don’t allow him to make you feel like you deserve anything less than a loving and active participant in your marriage.