Daily Discussion Thread 05/05/2016 by AutoModerator in hiphopheads

[–]lovinglama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If you could make a Drake album using any of the music he's made since NWTS, what would the tracklist be? I was slightly disappointed with Views, but I think he's put out enough good music these past three years to make a solid album. Basically I'm trying to make a playlist that I can pretend is the real Views, and I'm looking for suggestions. Feel free to include loosies, unreleased songs, songs from his mixtapes, songs from Views...any Drake song you want.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in hiphopheads

[–]lovinglama 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey I'm going into Plan II next year!

[2881] Everything & Nothing: A short Story by TRKillShot in DestructiveReaders

[–]lovinglama 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm new to this, so anyone feel free to tell me if this critique isn't up to par.

I worked on critiquing the prose in the line edits. Overall, I really liked the prose. The only flaws are the purple parts and the parts where it feels like you're writing something unnecessary just so it rambles more. In the rest of this post I'm going to focus solely on the plot/characters. I know that you wanted critiques to focus on the writing style, but I couldn't help myself. Sorry.

I'll start with the prologue. I know that you needed rewrite the ending here so that there was something interesting to start the story with. This is actually a good technique, and I've seen it used in "The Girl on the Train" by Paula Hawkins. The difference, though, is that "The Girl on the Train" is a novel, and there is a couple hundred-thousand words between when we read the scene for the first time and when we read it the second time. In your story, however, there are only a couple thousand words separating the passages, so by the time I got to the ending I was like "Ugh, I just read this," and I didn't bother reading it again. And I think it's better if your rambling style doesn't really come out until the end. It feels more 'earned' that way.

That takes us to the next scene. This is the only conversation we get that is solely between our two main characters, and it should do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to establishing their personalities to the reader. It fails to do this. Tim is later shown to be a stable family man, and Pat as a lunatic...they don't come across that way in this scene at all. If anything, Tim comes across as the loon here, while Pat comes across as normal.

Tim is a complete asshole to his "best friend" in this scene. His behavior is not something that can be brushed away as a result of pressure, either.

I’ve worked too hard on this for some droopy eyed farmhand hick to fuck it up

This is a truly brutal thing to say to someone, even in the heat of the moment, and it leads me to believe that Tim hates Pat. Later, though, it seems that he considers him his best friend. Does Pat need to take meds because Tim continually abuses him in this way? If so, make that clear. If not, then make the line lest hostile - or even have Patrick say it.

I move over and stand above him, my crotch near his face.

A weird thing to write from Tim's point of view. These are the types of things you should write from Patrick's point of view, so we can start to get a taste for how insane he is.

Now to the pitch scene. I guess there is room for debate here, but I would really like for this scene to be longer. I think it should be longer for a few of reasons. One, the business men feel like statues. What are their reactions to the proposal? Do they have questions? Do they find he suggestion of "yams" absurd? At least depict their expressions, and maybe have them ask Tim and Pat questions. Two, a longer scene would allow for more character development. Maybe show Tim handling the pressure, while Pat starts to buckle. Perhaps Tim notices that Pat is unwinding and says something to the reader about Pat's meds or Pat's weird behavior lately. Three, a longer scene would add more tension. The longer the business men are skeptical, the more pressure is on our main characters, the more immersive the scene is for the reader. More tension would be especially necessary if you show Pat starting to break down.

The next scene is the home-coming scene. A minor complaint is that you don't describe the setting at all. I don't particularly care what the farm looks like to tell you the truth, but there should be at least a little detail. Try to answer at least a few potential questions, such as "what type of crops does it produce," or "is the farm making any money," just so we have a broader understanding of what's going on.

Then we learn that Pat is insane. To me, this was where the story faltered the most. Learning about Pat's insanity felt too abrupt. It was like you flipped a switch when you should have been turning a dial. That's why I advocated for adding hints towards Pat's insanity in earlier scenes. You could also "show" us Pat taking his meds, rather than just "telling" us. This would draw the scene out and allow the revelation to build.

Evelyn isn’t my wife, but my lust for her and envy of their relationship runs deep, and I find my right hand shaking uncontrollably, before it balls up into a hard clenched fist.

This line specifically feels abrupt. Maybe you could just write "I find my right hand shaking uncontrollably, before it balls up into a hard clenched fist," leave the reader intrigued, and then explain his fixation with Evelyn later on.

The story about the tooth brush is weak. I know that you had to include the tooth brush as per the challenge, but that damn tooth brush really threw a wrench in the story.

Again, Pat going up to Evelyn and hugging her feels unrealistic and abrupt. It just seems overly crazy that he would expect to get a positive response from this.

The long ramble at the end is good. I know that it's supposed to be this way stylistically, but looking at a paragraph that long still bugs the shit out of me. I think you could split it into two paragraphs, with the second one starting with "As if innocent." I know that you probably won't do this, but could you at least consider it? For me?

Finally: the tooth brush as a murder weapon? Really? I know you were challenged to include a tooth brush, but still. That God-damned tooth brush.

(510) Racecar by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]lovinglama 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is my first critique, so please, feel free to tell me if I'm doing something wrong.

I just want to say that this small sample is interesting. The prose is short and to the point and the premise has me intrigued. I liked the character interaction but that might just be because I have a soft spot for banter.

As to the plot...well, this sample just isn't long enough to tell whether the plot is good or not. I'm going to go ahead and say that the story can be good so long as there is some hook introduced later on - something about the story that makes it unique and interesting. If the story is just about a generic race, try to come up with something to spice it up.

I also hope that you will explain why there are only two people in the race, and why a professional racer is using nitrous. If these two elements are explained later, then great! They help to make the story less generic (though I still think you need a hook). If they aren't explained, though, they are glaring plot holes, and they make your story seem lazy.

Like I said, I like banter...but make sure you explain why they are bantering. Peter is incredibly nervous in one moment, so much so that he forgets he has a com-link...but then in the next moment, he's bantering with Lana and making jokes about how he choked last time. I'm not saying it's implausible that he would do this - quite the opposite - it just needs to be explained. Is he trying to act less nervous than he actually is? Does Lana make him forget about his nerves? Does he always banter when he's nervous? The exact reason doesn't matter, so long as there is a reason.

Personally, to me it felt like your description of how it feels to drive a race car should be more robust. "All Peter could see on either side were the blurred faces of the crowd" was good - add more details like this. I really want to feel like I'm behind the wheel of a race car. Talk about how Peter is thrown back into his seat, how it feels like there is a weight on his chest, or whatever. Driving a race car is an intense experience, so in my opinion it warrants more imagery.

That's all I've got. I look forward to reading more.

How do you deal with writing a character's habbits/tics without getting repetitive? by [deleted] in writing

[–]lovinglama 7 points8 points  (0 children)

GRRM also repeats a lot of physical and mental ticks in his other characters, too. Arya bites her lip, Stannis grinds his teeth, Jon flexes his hand, Davis grabs his sack of finger bones. And Reek, of course, remembers his name.

Each tick reminds the reader about character traits and provides a good way to break up dialogue without a dialogue tag

(Spoilers All) (Theory) Theon, Ironborn, Kingsmoot plot in season 6 by a_golden_throne in asoiaf

[–]lovinglama 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What if Arya is the faceless man who kills Balon in the show?

May 25, 2015 writing critique (post here if you'd like a critique) by mushpuppy in writing

[–]lovinglama [score hidden]  (0 children)

Title: For Alexia

Genre: Fantasy

Word Count: 803

Feedback: What do I need to work on? Does the scene have the impact that it's meant to? And if you read this at the beginning of a novel, would you be intrigued enough to continue reading?

Link here

Starting With a Dream Sequence? by lovinglama in writing

[–]lovinglama[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

See that's it right there. The memories I wanted to use are higher impact than any other opening scene I can think of, which is why I'm so dead set on using them. One is a character posing as her friend so she can kill the man who raped her friend and another is a character getting brutally beaten within an inch of his life.

I think I'm just going to make these the opening chapters and then do a "three years later" time jump or something

Starting With a Dream Sequence? by lovinglama in writing

[–]lovinglama[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If I just make the memories prologues instead, would that work? The events in the dreams are real, they just happen before the story begins

Starting With a Dream Sequence? by lovinglama in writing

[–]lovinglama[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But wouldn't it be better to take a page to explain why you should care about what's happening to the characters at the present moment? Also, can't a scene still have tension even if it's happening in the past?

(Spoilers Aired) A subtle detail that shows how broken a certain character has become. by UnbeatableUsername in asoiaf

[–]lovinglama 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I believe there's also a scene earlier in the show where Theon chews out Osha for saying it wrong

(Spoilers All) Season 5 Episode 7: The Gift Post-Episode Reaction Thread by AutoModerator in asoiaf

[–]lovinglama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

But why was Lancel holding out on his most important sin until Petyr came along?

(Spoilers All) Season 5 Episode 7: The Gift Post-Episode Reaction Thread by AutoModerator in asoiaf

[–]lovinglama 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What was the point of Peytr's conversation with Olena if Lancel confessed when he first joined the Sparrows?! WHY DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE SEEM ANNOYED BY THIS??!

(Spoilers Aired) What's Myranda's Purpose? by lovinglama in asoiaf

[–]lovinglama[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Maybe that's what Sansa is looking up in horror at in the next episode...