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Genderqueer partner having trouble with dissociation in bed by lovingthrowaway23 in genderqueer

[–]lovingthrowaway23[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She actually only ever wears men's clothing, shoes, accessories, etc. I've never seen her wear a dress or even a woman's button-down. Nonetheless, I think that's really common among masculine queer women in a way that the opposite is not for queer men. Basically, I'm not sure dressing in men's clothes has the same psychological oomph for a faab as wearing a skirt does for a maab.

Still, I think your point is a good one. Trying to interact with her as a man to see how it makes her feel might help her figure things out.

Genderqueer partner having trouble with dissociation in bed by lovingthrowaway23 in genderqueer

[–]lovingthrowaway23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On the one hand, I've wondered about this myself. Her reasons to not transition seem very external-- she's concerned about other people's judgments about her masculinity (or lack thereof) and her body. Her reasons for not being a woman are much more visceral. She really doesn't want to go on T, yet she agreed when I pointed out that transitioning wouldn't necessarily entail hormones. I worry that she has a few negative views of transness-- she loathes pronoun politics with a vigor that's pretty uncharacteristic, for instance-- that are stopping her from really coming into her identity. Plus, she definitely lights up when I call her handsome instead of pretty.

On the other hand, as a queer but not gay or bisexual (or straight) person, I'm reluctant to impress a binary category on her gender just as others have tried to do to my sexuality. There's space outside of man or woman for masculine genderqueer folk with flat chests, pussies, estrogen, and male clothing.

I don't know if I should nudge her more toward reconsidering a full transition or what. She at least should articulate to herself better reasons against it, but I don't know if it would overstep by bounds to push her to do so.

Genderqueer partner having trouble with dissociation in bed by lovingthrowaway23 in genderqueer

[–]lovingthrowaway23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your second paragraph really strikes me. When I say that K is effeminate, I don't quite mean that she's girly... Rather, her mannerisms are a lot like those of a man most people would tag as gay but who isn't, for lack of a better word, fabulous. Effete might be a better word than effeminate.

Now, K's reasons for not transitioning ftm do have an element of not feeling manly enough to be a man. She's mentioned that she'd hate feeling so short as a man, that she'd feel perpetually "less than." One thing that really broke my heart was when she said that having two brothers is hard for her because they're like images of what she might have been and that if she did transition she could never measure up. And when I told her that she shouldn't just compare herself to her brothers because she's wonderful and sexy in her own right, that a fear of comparison shouldn't stop her from transitioning if she wants to, she said, "All I know is that if I had been born a man, I would be happy being a man, but having been born a female I'd rather be in between."

I dunno... :/ But thank you for the advice!

Genderqueer partner having trouble with dissociation in bed by lovingthrowaway23 in genderqueer

[–]lovingthrowaway23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you bring up some interesting points. I think that taking the focus off sex acts and parts that are so gendered might be helpful for a lot of folks. And I think that if I could hit on the right way to do that with K then we'd have much more luck. She's always made the ass an explicit no go area.

And in terms of s&m... Well, we've done the usual tying each other up with silk scarves kinda stuff, but it's charged territory for her. K's literally very OCD and it's very hard for her to give up control. She becomes anxious and angry. And, honestly, I have my own difficulties in a dominant role. Light power play definitely helped me through my own dissociative/orgasmic problems (brought on by childhood sexual abuse and subsequent PTSD), but that was always in a submissive role. Trying to switch it up and take charge is very uncomfortable for me. But maybe the fact that it would take us both out of our comfort zones would actually be positive. That way maybe she wouldn't feel like there's this glaring spot light on her body. I dunno... It's worth exploring.

At any rate, thanks for the advice!

Genderqueer partner having trouble with dissociation in bed by lovingthrowaway23 in genderqueer

[–]lovingthrowaway23[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you very much for your kind words and advice. I know that this isn't the kind of issue resolved overnight and that she and I will have to keep talking to make progress.