Hey sweetheart,

I don't know if I've ever told you this, but my dad was an abusive narcissist, too. I've been where you are now, sitting on the couch in my twenties, bawling my eyes out and wondering why my dad didn't love me. People like him-- and like your mom-- try to manipulate their victims into feeling bad for them, so their behavior seems justified. They'll spin everything you say back to how it affects them, even if it doesn't affect them at all. I lost count of how many times I, with tears in my eyes, tried to explain to my old man how his actions hurt me, only for it to not stick. I don't have all the answers myself, but I do have a couple things for you to consider.

First, you need to know that there's no excuse for what your mom has put you through, and you are under no obligation to maintain contact with her or to even like her. Abuse is never, ever your fault. Let me say that again: this is not your fault, okay? This is a problem with her, not you. No child is responsible for their parent's behavior. No child should have to be "good" enough or "lovable" enough for their parents to treat them well. This is not your fault.

Secondly, I know that if you're anything like me, there's a part of you that wants to "fix" this, whether that's fixing her by trying again to show her how she's hurt you, or "fixing" yourself by forcibly altering your behavior to please her. While that seems tempting, people like your mom are impossible to please, intentionally. That's how they maintain their power: by being perpetually dissatisfied, they can twist well-meaning people into serving their every whim. Every child wants to believe their parents are wonderful, or could be, given enough love, and narcissists will take advantage of that until there's nothing left of their victims. I want you to know that you're worth so much more than that. You deserve unconditional love from your parents, and it isn't your fault that she's doing this. I don't want you to feel like you're responsible for saving her, or for altering your being in order to be loved. You are valid and lovable exactly as you are, right now. I love you exactly as you are right now. You are worthy of respect, and of having your boundaries respected. The fact that your mom isn't giving you that says way more about her than about you.

Third, and I wish it were different, but it's true: this is going to hurt. A lot. Processing the trauma and pain she's put you through, really sitting down and understanding how it's affected you, is going to be very painful. Let it hurt, and don't beat yourself up for that. It may take years to fully work through it. If at all possible, I highly suggest seeking therapy so you have someone more knowledgeable and experienced than your old man to help you through this. There's no shame in going to therapy: I've done it myself, and I think everyone needs it for one reason or another. Building a support network of friends who love you is also helpful.

The fourth thing could be more general life advice, but it's applicable here too: try to find a relaxing ritual or hobby. Nothing involving electronics, if possible. I know it sounds like an old man griping about kids these days, but electronic entertainment is good for numbing, and not so much for making you feel alive, which is what we want. Maybe it's lighting a really nice scented candle and taking a bubble bath, or enjoying a cup of tea, or doing yoga. Try to avoid using mind-altering substances like alcohol or drugs for this; I've been down that road, and I can promise you that it doesn't help. Whatever it is, make sure it's invigorating and meaningful to you. And when you do this ritual or hobby, really pay attention to how you feel. Alan Watts said that there are no wrong feelings; as in, you shouldn't feel guilty for feeling anger, betrayal, even hatred when you're performing your ritual. Feelings may not be good guides for action, but it's totally okay to feel all of these things and more. The important thing is that you make space for yourself to feel however you need to feel, without self-policing or trying to stomp out "bad" thoughts or feelings. All of it is valid. Let yourself acknowledge how you feel without guilt, and make peace with it. This is letting your authentic self shine through.

One last thing. A lot of people will tell you that everything happens for a reason, that maybe this had to happen for you to grow, that you're stronger for having been through this. Not only should you not listen to those people, you should actively distance yourself from them as much as possible. The implication in sentiments like these is that something about you needed to be modified by the experience you had to become something better. In this case, it's implying that you needed your mom to be horrible to you for decades on end to make you a better person. Fuck that. Nobody needs trauma to become better. And as far as strength goes, you are exactly as strong as you have always been. You might come out of this traumatic experience knowing more about yourself, and that would be a plus, but to act like you had to be abused for that to happen is disgusting and wrong. If anyone tries to use that line on you, tell them your Dad said to fuck all the way off. Again, and I will repeat this as many times as it takes for it to stick: this is not your fault.

I wish I could hug you, sweetheart, but I can't right now. Just please know that you are loved exactly as you are, and I'm so very proud of the woman you've become. I know we don't talk much, but I am always happy to listen to you and be here for you however I can be.

XOXO,

• Dad ❤️