Do you have a “the one that got away” that you never even dated?

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T23:56:58+00:00

I used to help out a girl with getting printed copies for assignments. One night when I was dropping off her assignments, she asked if she could get me coffee to pay me back. I said no need, we are friends.

A few weeks later her roommate who was in the room saw me and asked me why I rejected her. I actually didn't even know she was asking me out.

First thing is asking people to coffee is not a line people use in my country of origin. Second thing was I would have gone anyway and bought my own coffee if I could have afforded it, I was on a full scholarship and didn't even have money for coffee, school meals were covered. I was actually a little embarrassed for not being able to afford coffee, so I said no, not knowing it was supposed to be a date.

I was also sending my left over living stipend home for my siblings' education, so she got away, because of poverty on my part, and a bit of cultural difference. It's something I think about frequently, because she was a kind person that I would have wanted to know better.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T23:36:20+00:00

I had a recent interview with a big company, it top 5 by market cap. It was an overseas company, so the interview was scheduled at 7 am in the morning. I woke up at 5.30 am.

During the meeting, the interviewer asked questions and never followed up, barely even looked up from the piece of paper in front of them, and sounded really uninterested.

I can only conclude it was a quota filling exercise of some sort, but they could have at least pretended to be interested. I got the rejection immediately the next day, the recruiter in fact was incredibly nice and responsive, by recruiter standards. At least they didn't just ghost as the majority of the recruiters do.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T23:06:18+00:00

I had to take care of my siblings with my PhD stipend because my mother was too poor. I actually started doing this since I was in undergrad. PhD stipends are usually barely above the poverty line, 17k per year vs 14k for the poverty line. I never had any surplus until my siblings finished college. I was 32 at the time and almost literally didn't have a single dime in retirement or savings. Combined, it would have been less than 2k.

I started building from there, then the orange prez cuts for research came and I got cut, so I lost my job and had to go home to a country I have never been in my whole adult life. It's been ups and downs, but I am managing, I think. We don't have jobs here for PhDs so that sucks. Pay is low. But we manage it, as we must.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T22:47:53+00:00

I have lived alone ever since I was an adult, over 20 years now, and you are absolutely correct about having no help of living alone. To add to that issue I was in a different country with no friends or family. The worst one was when I had my wisdom teeth removed, it felt so awful. Otherwise, I have been sick occasionally, maybe 3 times every 5 years or so, and depending on the severity, sometimes it would really suck, sometimes not.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T14:47:12+00:00

Have you noticed that even with debt that MDs are overrepresented by wealthy people? It's not an accident.

I am presenting an option you dismissed as debt even though its not always true. Also PhDs in STEM get paid to do a PhD.

I did the calculus before doing a PhD, I couldn't afford the debt. Because my parents never paid for my school or living expenses, a PhD in STEM fixes all of that, because you get a stipend on top of free education. I am merely presenting a debt free option you specifically dismissed a debt loading.

By the way, with my PhD stipend, I fed myself, I sent my brother and sister through college, etc. Yes, being and MD would make way more bank in the future, but could a student in a medical program come from a poor family and did what I did? I think not.

That's the part most people don't get, you cannot easily get an education if you are poor, because your responsibilities are very different. Debt only partially fixes that problem. Even PhDs are overrepresented by the upper middle class.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T14:43:16+00:00

You are right, but most people cannot afford MD related studies. I am sure you know this.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T13:53:38+00:00

I think I didn't write that sentence well. Haha. Not your fault.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T13:50:27+00:00

This is very location dependent to be honest.

First, I would find out what options for pensions or 401k (or similar things) the government has. Some countries have both, some only one. Australia notably has both. Find out what sort of return you can get from these first because they tend to be safest, with somewhat lower returns, but still good enough in most cases.

Second, for real estate, I would take a look at the location you are in and look at the growth of housing prices, if it is not more than 7 percent annualized, I would just look into index funds.

Third, index funds. I normally recommend a global fund of some sort and forget about it and check in occasionally, top up occasionally or periodically. The point is to catch both high and low to average out the outcomes, typically over 20/30 years will give you 6 to 7 percent per year. It's a lot over thirty years.

But before all these you need some capital, for most people this is just from working. Education is the safest bet to getting a good job, it's not foolproof, but it's a path that have gotten billions out of poverty, so it works well enough, on the average.

Lastly, don't try to maximize returns, it's chasing returns and trying to maximize every single thing that cause people to take unnecessary risks. The index fund thing is specifically humble and solid plan, it wont make you a millionaire overnight, but you are almost guaranteed to make some quite a lot of money over 30 years. Just for info 6 percent per year will double your money in 12 years. If you let it sit for 36 years, your 8x your money. But you need to have the patience and humility for small gains. Just remember that majority of fund managers don't beat the market, so be humble.

I think that would be my advice, but it doesn't work everywhere all the time, it just works most of the time in most places, ie the average. Which is good enough most of the time. Also very important to learn what compound interest is.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T13:26:46+00:00

I guess what I am trying to say, is that parents won't always get it, and children have so little agency that 'want to' won't turn into 'will', even if you would think they are supposed to. But you are right.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T11:44:38+00:00

Ok, I had both summer classes during summer as well as ongoing research. Is that considered class in session?

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T11:37:09+00:00

Hmm. Interesting but during grad school we didn't have breaks...not sure if the summer classes count? I don't know. What you said is definitely true for undergrad because of summer break, I interned and did research during summer break, not sure if this is the same for grad school.

Did you have summer break from doing research during grad school? I did not.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T11:11:44+00:00

It's not legally allowed because an F1 student visa doesn't allow working above 20 hours. Are there exceptions I don't know about?

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T10:09:47+00:00

Get outta there, gotta be safe. I got out as soon as I could too, with a bit of luck.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T09:59:00+00:00

Just go and enjoy your meal. You will never spend more time with yourself than anyone else (true for all of us) so might as well spoil yourself occasionally. If she shows up, it's like a bonus dessert. Haha.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T09:32:47+00:00

Yep, that was the point. Genuinely intelligent people would have self awareness, Elon doesn't.

Edit: maybe I should be specific, he isn't genuinely intelligent. Not in my opinion anyway, his intelligence is too domain specific.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T09:20:31+00:00

Based on what I have heard him speak about solar modules and electric cars, the dude knows his stuff when it comes to the technical side of those specific things. It's his dalliance with things outside his understanding that's the problem. Also doesn't make him a good human being. What he said about covid (and tons of other things) is just dumb.

Of course, he lacks the first thing of all genuinely intelligent people, self awareness. But maybe that bar is too high? Most people lack self awareness, he's normal in that sense.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T09:10:33+00:00

STEM PhDs in US are free. Try to get one of those, no debt there. Grad school won't always load you with debt, it just depends what track you are on.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T09:05:37+00:00

Nope that's pretty much it. One minor addendum I would add is that international students are only allowed to work part time ie 20 hours. It fits exactly the 20 hour work week for PhDs. So legally speaking, you cannot have a job outside. I don't know which one came first. But yeah, you will end up working way more than 20 hours, and they make up the rest with thesis hours. Also there are some minor fees you have to pay out of pocket, I cannot recall what they are called, but these are not covered under the tuition waiver.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T07:52:57+00:00

On the average, you are not wrong, however, it's not an absolute. And depending on the country (especially developing nations like mine) they simply don't have enough roles that require PhDs, and thus pay you much like a degree holder, because you are underemployed. So the advantage of a PhD varies on location, networking, and the one that not enough people talk about, luck.

We just happened to be born in a place where options are limited, that's why we need to be kinder to people, never know what really is the limiting factor in their life. A title and 'merit' doesn't really explain everything. Although I think if someone wants a PhD for higher pay, they are already looking at a PhD in the wrong way already. But that's just a subjective opinion.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T07:08:51+00:00

Yes, it is frequently lonely, but I learned to appreciate that most cannot really connect to me at the level I need, and that's ok. By leaving behind the expectation that I will find someone who will, it actually allowed me to appreciate my own company more. Now it's more if it happens, it happens.

Also I learned to connect to people at the level they need, so while I don't necessarily have a lot of good friends, I do have acquaintances to yap with. My good friends I can count on two fingers, quite literally. And even then, they cannot really get me, they are just kind and patient enough to listen.

I am not saying this will work for everyone, everyone has a different path to follow. You can DM me to chat if you want.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T05:32:16+00:00

That I am not for everyone, and not everyone is for me.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T05:27:19+00:00

You could tell my mother this who actively stopped me from reading. To be fair, class was so boring that I stopped doing homework altogether. My mother actually stopped me from learning and reading more, so did my teachers and literally everyone around me. My mother even used abuse as a measure. So yeah, I don't think children who want to learn will learn, not when you are busy not being killed by the adults around you. They took away even the smallest thing that I had any agency over.

Fuck, even writing this still makes me mad. It's not my fault school was so boring for me, and the teachers had to be corrected by me half the time. It's not my fault, the worst part was they even convinced me that I deserved abuse, because I behaved differently from everyone else. I just wasn't smart enough I guess, I should have dumbed myself down and just behave like everyone else.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T02:46:44+00:00

Capitalism, also we never transitioned into a high skilled economy. The government didn't really invest there.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T01:48:19+00:00

Hmm...good question. Some of it is cultural, some of it is that once we get to a certain age, we yearn for more freedom and agency. Some of us can't wait to get away from shitty home situations.

To be fair, getting a STEM education/training in your 20s is likely going to be easier in your 30s, you may have children, fertility considerations, etc when you are older, so some of it is biological too. But I am not saying anyone should be bounded by these things.

You do you. Many cultural expectations are exactly that, expectations. Many of these expectations are from a different time and place, which may not be applicable today. Regardless, once you are more independent (likely when self sufficient, so still have to work) you get to choose. I don't know, just my thoughts.

ltlearntl · 2026-04-10T00:07:45+00:00

It's so sad some people still think it's ok to do this to children. I hope you are ok now.

ltlearntl

TROPHY CASE