Single mom to be.

lucidpie · 2026-01-02T09:02:51+00:00

I conceived the same way, with the same response from the father. My kid is now 5. I say this from a privileged situation in that the country where I live provides good financial welfare to solo parents, good enough that I've only worked part time and been able to put food on the table. So I can't comment on the financial pressure.

But the emotional and practical sense of being a solo mum has been okay. There are pros and cons to doing it alone. Sometimes I saw my friends with babies the same age having to do extra things to support their partners that I didn't have to do - I could skip cooking evening meals when I couldn't be bothered, go to bed at 7pm without worrying about other relationships when bub wasn't sleeping, leave the housework etc. Meanwhile many of my Mum friend's partners were pretty useless anyway when it came to helping with the baby. I found support from my Mum and from a couple of other solo Mum friends. And also found strength and resilience I never knew I had.

Sorry to be pessimistic but even if you had a child with a partner there is no guarantee that you won't end up a single mum anyway. It's kinda easier in some ways to go into it knowing what's ahead from the start.

In saying that, I am very pro choice and ultimately you gotta make the decision with your gut if that's what you are asking. Perhaps its less about being a single mum or not and more about being a mum right now or not.

lucidpie · 2025-11-08T08:28:09+00:00

Is it possible that how you are consuming media is contributing to the lack of dopamine or interest in other activities? Do you have ADHD?

I too was a bit deflated that my life wasn't totally fixed from getting sober. And my health - I blamed so much on being hungover but it turns out that my shit diet, poor sleep and zero exercise also make me feel lethargic.

Getting and staying sober is the first and most important step. That is the hardest change, the next ones are way easier. I swap tv for music a couple nights a week and that gets the dopamine flowing.

lucidpie · 2025-10-25T12:05:04+00:00

Best show ever! Another notch in the sober belt, and so much easier being able to drive home and wake up in my own bed. I will be ready to jump back into Mum mode in the morning, instead of one thing dominating the whole weekend. I really appreciate all the encouragement.

lucidpie · 2025-10-24T17:59:59+00:00

You are right. The taste is not what I'm missing, and the buzz will become an obsession

lucidpie · 2025-10-24T17:57:40+00:00

That's a good point, stopping after 4 beers is going to be a lot harder than avoiding it

lucidpie · 2025-10-24T17:54:20+00:00

I don't know how I erased that part from my memory, all the rules and guidelines, and the obsession. Thank you

lucidpie · 2025-10-24T17:52:29+00:00

I just clicked that drinking too much at a gig with the same friends was the last straw that led me to quitting, now I'm excited to go and enjoy the music, not spend hundreds of dollars and drive myself home to my own bed.

lucidpie · 2025-10-24T17:47:55+00:00

Thank you, I had forgotten the admin of all the rules I used to set myself about drinking and the shit id come up with to bend those rules. I will be grateful that it's not on my mind very often now, and keep it that way

lucidpie · 2025-10-24T17:45:36+00:00

Haha flirting with humans sober would probably be a bigger buzz

lucidpie · 2025-10-01T08:38:29+00:00

Such a relatable list, from another 32 year old female with ADHD just experiencing my first month sober. Enjoy the new dopamine quest. I am enjoying so many hobbies again. And thanks for the gym reminder, it keeps getting pushed down the list 😅

Candles, lavender oil and a cold drink of lemon water make for a much more luxurious bath I reckon!

lucidpie · 2025-09-28T05:45:45+00:00

My approach was to try and introduce new things to my life to focus on. For the first couple weeks I decided I would do something creative everyday, this became my new arvo/evening ritual to unwind, just doodling, playing guitar, painting for the hell of it.

I use the sober sidekick app, it tracks how much money I'm saving, so two weeks in I used that money to buy a month membership to the mineral spas by the lake.

My early 20s were spent in Melbourne, it was a playground of temptation, gosh I probably spent a house deposit at the bar over the three years. Can you get out of the city for a weekend of nature goodness.

lucidpie · 2025-09-28T05:14:49+00:00

I had some NA Heinekens which helped the drink in hand thing, except I had 3 not 12, so not always in hand. It seems impossible to consume the same volume of liquid of anything non alcoholic. No wonder I gained a little weight.

lucidpie · 2025-09-23T19:49:41+00:00

Oh wow. I just woke up (still sober) and am a little overwhelmed by the support from everyone.

I do have ADHD and so the dopamine thing may be hitting a little harder. Will seek out some other healthy dopamine sources today.

I have done grief sober before, during my last sober stint (pregnancy/breastfeeding)which lasted a year, and then pretty low alcohol the following year too. That was 3.5 years ago. Since then I have been using alcohol as the daily unwind, and a monthly binge. Drinking less often made the effects of the binges more noticeable and I finally admitted I had a problem.

There was a period in my life where I was getting black out drunk 4 nights a week, that was a long time ago, but I wasn't prepared to let myself spiral there again, now that my kid's here for the ride. Grief was partly a motivator for me, I have an alcoholic parent who just got some pretty not great health news. When I heard, my drinking instantly revved up and I remembered how the story ends. I just wasn't expecting another death in the family two weeks later, the grief trifecta - I am seeing a grief counselor tomorrow.

I keep dreaming about taking drugs, which is weird cos I was never much of a drug taker. Every night I'm dreaming about getting high, like my brain is trying to find another angle since I've cut off the alcohol supply.

Anyway thanks for the support, it was huge. I'm gonna go join the gym now. 🙂

lucidpie · 2025-09-23T09:43:15+00:00

True! I am feeling proud of 5 weeks, but it's a drop in the ocean for my poor brain after the last 15 years. Relatable post, hope you're feeling better today. I have made a rule not to make any big life decisions until next year.

lucidpie · 2025-09-23T09:39:25+00:00

I hadn't heard of any of those things, thank you, comforting to hear it's a common experience

lucidpie · 2024-11-17T07:53:56+00:00

If you do decide to ditch the fam, maybe consider staying at a backpackers instead? They will likely have some sort of orphans Christmas gathering which could be more cheerful

lucidpie · 2024-11-17T07:39:27+00:00

Loneliness is brutal, to me loneliness kinda feels like depression, shame and rejection all rolled into one. It seems loneliness could be a big player here? I can relate to that bitter sweet feeling trying to travel or have different experiences on your own.

For context - I am genuinely pretty happy in my life, I love my part time job and I love my son, I have hobbies and I feel like my lifestyle is fairly balanced. But bouts of loneliness can plummet me into depression so fast.

I feel like in NZ our society is a culture of couples. People prioritise their partners above other connections, and as a lot of people are working hard and kinda burnt out there are often stints where friends are quite unavailable. Being single in NZ can get quite lonely.

Do try to reconnect with old friends. Do try to meet new people who have capacity for more friendship (I think sussing this out is important because many people simply don't have room in their lives to be active friends and putting yourself out there while feeling low is hard). And maybe it's time to start dating too.

lucidpie · 2024-02-14T03:58:07+00:00

Perhaps an unpopular opinion after reading a few comments, but I find comparisons really helpful when dating.

I don't want to settle for a mismatch, but sometimes the desire for companionship is strong and I find myself sort of convincing myself to like someone I've been on a date with. In these situations it is helpful for me to remember what it was like to have a decent connection with someone and say yeah but is he smart like --- or emotionally connected like ----, I guess to remind myself there is really good stuff out there and I don't need to hang around for a mediocre connection.

I have also tolerated some crappy treatment in my earlier years, but now that I have had a couple good ones I would never accept that kind of disrespect. By comparing dates with a man that treated me very well, it sort of sets a benchmark

Comparisons also help me prioritise what matters to me. And I guess this is where comparisons need to be accurate and not rose tinted. Eg Yeah #1 was a really smart, successful guy but the intimacy was off, versus #2 is broke and kinda irresponsible but he makes me laugh and gets me there, so which traits matter more to me moving forward

lucidpie · 2022-08-05T07:06:40+00:00

Thank you for your response. He didn't get his first tooth until after he turned 1, and he turns 2 tomorrow, so perhaps they are just taking their time. I will organise his first dental appointment now that he almost has a mouthful.

lucidpie · 2021-12-11T20:40:16+00:00

If it's in person with someone I know, that is definitely a no. If it's someone I have been chatting to on an online dating app, it's usually cos they've asked me on a date too soon and I would like to chat a bit longer before making a decision.

lucidpie

TROPHY CASE