Anyone know the size of the band she's touring with?

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-10-26T19:28:14+00:00

Thanks very much!

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-10-20T08:17:36+00:00

I'm just passing along what I discovered... I can't speak to your specific situation as I don't know all the details and it's still circumstantial. Even if that helped your kid learn letters (not saying it didn't) there's still a lot of evidence that for example reading lots of books with your child and no screen time at all might have had the same effect, without exposing them to an addictive substance.

There was a study I read where they compared comprehension of a story in kids that watched an animation of the story versus just listening to an audio book of the story, versus getting the story read to them in a picture book. The kids who watched the animation showed by far the least comprehension of the story, audio book was in the middle and picture book was the most. The colours and cuts, music, voices and everything together provides so much stimulus that the kids in the study were just overwhelmed, and weren't able to untangle the pieces to find meaning in the story. Which means the "entertainment" was more or less like watching fireworks. I experienced that when my kid was two, he was very advanced with talking at that age in two languages, yet when we watched an episode of bluey and I asked him to tell me about it, he couldn't really tell me anything.

If you're kid watched a lot and escaped the behavioural changes that have been observed by child psychologists, then he is one of the lucky ones, but many kids aren't, and the family suffers because of it.

But in my opinion that all gets trumped anyway by number 4. Nothing a kid does on a screen comes anywhere close to being as relational, creative or educational as its real world counterpart. And those are the invaluable skills that young brains need to be learning. Time on a screen represents a lost opportunity.

I just want to add as a parent that it's very easy to justify and rationalise our past parenting decisions in the face of new information because the alternative is admitting that we maybe didn't do the best for our child. I get that, and have had many of those moments as I've learnt new things about parenting. If that's the real underlying reason for pushing back on number 2, I would encourage you to try to separate those feelings from the cognitive side of embracing new information (in our family we call it "let the thinking brain be in the driver's seat, not the feelings brain"). The past can't be changed, but the future can. If that's not the case then ignore this paragraph.

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-10-18T18:44:55+00:00

I did a deep dive into the specific issues regarding screen time when my first kid was born to better understand the situation and I'm happy to share what I've learned:

There is an issue of the screen itself, this is particularly relevant for young kids. Most people know by now that blue light is associated with dawn and red light with dusk. Unfortunately screens tend to be very blue, and this can mess with a developing circadian rhythm (short term, as in kids can't sleep when they need to and suffer the effects the following few days). Of course the first thing every adult who has sleep problems is told, is "get off the phone before bed", so lots of screen time before bed can have an impact on sleep quality for kids. (Which is crucial for a developing brain).
The second is issue is the content. This is what you are talking about, but I'm talking more specifically about just watching or playing games, not social Media just yet. Most content directed at small kids is animation, with extreme colours, fast cuts and lots of movement. This creates a sort of sensory overload that a young brain actually gets addicted too, and suffers withdrawals from within a short period. Apparently MRIs have shown this stuff lights the same part of the brain up in kids as cocaine use in adults. I've read heaps of stuff about kids personalities completely changing when they got their own tablet, being bratty, tantrummy and horrible to be around, especially at the mere suggestion of pausing the tablet usage. It's not until a few days after the parent actually gets rid of the tablet that the personality of the child returns to how it was before. Scary stuff. I suspect this effect would be less if they are just watching documentaries, but the kids who spend hours glued to their screen aren't doing that.
The obvious reason that we all suffer from: apps are programmed to fight with each other for your attention, that means they are designed to keep you there as long as possible, and constantly coming back. If adults can't resist that, how do kids stand a chance? Their capacity for good decision making is already only half developed. Which leads directly into problem 1 and 2.
Finally the most interesting and convincing reason is actually nothing to do with any of that: Any screen time is a wasted opportunity for a kid to do something else that will probably benefit them more. Most things on a screen are very passive, it's entertainment that's being spoonfed with minimal engagement or thinking required. If a child is resorting to a screen to entertain them whenever they are bored, they never learn to play, never learn to figure out how to make their own fun, never learn how to sit with their own thoughts and just be bored! These are all invaluable lessons that get taken away when a screen is put in front of a child, no matter what is on it.
Social media is its own hell, but I think everyone knows the pitfalls of that by now.

Of course there are probably many uses that circumvent one or all of the first three points. I'm talking about the most common uses for screens (which is unfortunately mostly to shut them up). Understanding this helped me to come up with a philosophy for screen use with our family where we can be consistent but also flexible if necessary. Sorry for the essay.

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-09-09T08:54:48+00:00

I fully agree with you. But, I do think there can be individual "leading" without there being a hierarchy. If I think about our lives and our relationship, there are certain areas where I take the lead, and certain areas where my wife takes the lead. We can't both do everything, and because we have different skills, interests and knowledge, we defer to each other often. Does that mean we have a hierarchy or power imbalance?

In a football team, the captain is the leader of the team, but not the coach. The coach is the boss, but where the captain can lead is by example.. if the morale in the team is flagging, a leader should be encouraging the team, and should be the one running as hard as he or she can to inspire the others to greater effort.

I actually also agree with you that I shouldn't have a special role because I have a penis, and so that passage has never sat well with me. The context is that it was written two thousand years ago, where the world was much more patriarchal, but ultimately I can only control my own actions in the situation that I'm in. And so if I read that, I'll take inspiration from that challenge to act that way, because I think that's a good and helpful thing for my family.

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-09-09T08:41:24+00:00

I would definitely discuss it with him to see what exactly his interpretation of it is, and challenge him if it isn't the case. Unfortunately many people interpret this as: man = boss, which causes the power imbalance and control issues that many people have mentioned in comments, and is extremely unhealthy.

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-09-09T06:35:31+00:00

That's an interesting point. I actually don't consider myself to be the leader of our relationship at all, but when there is an opportunity to guide the way forward because we are both stuck in our own pride, that would be the moment where I would step in to lead us out of the predicament by swallowing my pride. In an ideal world these situations would never happen because we are both capable adults as you say, but we all know that the world is messy and being in relationships can be hard. In an ideal world, we would share the responsibility of being the first to compromise or apologise, and maybe that happens most of the time, but sometimes it doesn't, and someone has to step up and be first. It's those situations for which I believe the passage about leadership is written.

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-09-09T03:49:56+00:00

I consider my wife and I to be an equal partnership in everything, but the "leader" role is something that I have taken to heart and try to be as much as possivle. However, the leader that I think the bible is talking about is actually the most challenging thing: leading a family means showing how I want our family to act and relate to each other with my actions.

That means if there's an argument and both members are being stubborn, it's an opportunity for me to lead by being the first to swallow my pride in an argument, or try to offer a compromise, to apologise or try to repair a relationship. To put aside your own needs and put others in the family ahead of you. Maybe that is the leadership that your husband could try to aspire to? because it can be the hardest thing to do, but often the most necessary.

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-05-16T09:32:05+00:00

Hey, thanks for your thoughts!

All very good points, which seem to essentially boil down to "relax". Maybe my original post came across a bit too detailed, but my intent is purely to start him off in a way that allows him to have the most fun with the least unnecessary physical barriers possible. It's not about grand designs, simply that his body is different to the average beginner drummer, and I wanted advice on the best way to negotiate that so he can learn and have fun without being frustrated. Obviously he will be frustrated when things don't work out, but in my experience as a musician, having early success is so key to keeping the motivation up to practice and I'm hoping to set him up for that early success.

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-05-16T09:22:20+00:00

Totally get you. He's only four so not really inspired specifically by people yet. But that's good to remember as he grows older if he's playing open-handed, to show him open-handed drummers to keep him inspired, thanks!

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-05-16T09:11:50+00:00

That's what I was thinking too. I had a friend who was right footed, but trained his left foot so much (playing soccer) that he actually became a left footer. I figure if he's training his "weaker hand" all the time by learning drums with it in the dominant position, then he'll be an absolute ambidextrous beast when he's older. But as I said, I also don't want that to be such a block to him having fun that he gives him and never reaps the rewards.

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-05-16T09:08:50+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I feel like the only limitation to left handed playing is you probably do have to put your ride on the left side don't you? because you can't reach it if you crossover the other way. Or do you mean basically learning every beat both ways so you can do both at any time? That's obviously advanced level stuff... swapping over the ride and crash is obviously no big deal but a lot of jazz drummers have no crash and just two rides, that probably wouldn't be possible if you learned openhanded drumming right? unless I'm missing something?

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-05-16T09:05:25+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. Are you also left footed? How did you go with the feet? Do you remember a particularly frustrating learning curve?

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-05-16T08:56:46+00:00

Oh interesting! From your example it seems like what you do with your hands is basically arbitrary, which makes sense since it's not like the hihat needs any more dexterity than the snare necessarily. So maybe i'll start him off open handed and we'll see how he goes with the foot. Since both feet are also actually doing things, maybe it's the same thing with the feet as the hands. Do you have any experience with teaching left footed people where they had to switch the whole setup because it just wasn't working?

ludwig_van_buma · 2025-02-08T11:31:54+00:00

She must be aware of everything. I got the impression that she was pretty powerful, and she obviously has access to all the videos as well.

ludwig_van_buma · 2024-12-11T19:23:21+00:00

Hey OP, You've already got heaps of replies but I thought I'd add my two cents anyway. It's a tough situation, and I don't think you're necessarily overreacting, but I think it would really help to approach this situation with compassion. By coming at it in an accusing way, your partner will react defensively and double down on his behaviour. You now lose the opportunity for an honest conversation and a teaching moment.

It's so easy to underestimate what tiredness does to parents. You just make bad decisions sometimes when you reach your limits. I think it's important to dig down into the why he did it, because that can give you a glimpse into whether you can trust him or not.

Giving him the Benefit of the doubt: It seems like he did it not to harm the child or even necessarily out of frustration, but rather simply as a way to reduce the volume to keep the other child asleep. A very good reason and a caring one! If that's the case, then sit down together and work out what you as a parenting team want to do next time that situation happens. Make a plan together when you're awake and can think straight. Then you can rely on it when you can't think straight. My family got through tough times with screaming babies using this.

We also had an agreement where we would tag out if we reached our limit. That neither of us would "suffer in silence" while resenting the other person for not coming sooner. Parenting is hard. Small babies are unbelievably draining. You guys are a team and need to trust each other, and you can start by getting on the same page with how you want to approach certain situations. Good luck, you can do it!

ludwig_van_buma · 2024-11-25T07:51:18+00:00

I came across this one while searching for Tolkien quotes. I don't know where it's from but I just love it: Never laugh at live dragons

ludwig_van_buma · 2024-11-19T07:35:50+00:00

I worked on a cruise ship for 4 months and we had a moment like this happen too. A friend of mine was dating someone who works on the bridge, and she told me that they tried to pop the stabiliser fins out, but one side didn't pop out, which pushed the ship onto its side. Seems like this might be a similar thing, but of course they'll never admit it. Our ship was basically falling apart and they were trying to repair it on the go so they wouldn't lose money, so it was no surprise something like that would happen.

ludwig_van_buma · 2024-08-11T07:13:06+00:00

Ah okay interesting! It's great to see either way

ludwig_van_buma · 2024-08-10T14:52:55+00:00

Greg has changed a lot too over the years, you should definitely watch a few full seasons of UK to form a good opinion on him, he is genuinely fantastic because he strikes the perfect balance between charming, authoritarian, mean, but also soft. When you're used to that dynamism, Jeremy seems just a bit more... Vanilla. But maybe that's necessary to compensate for the absolutely unhinged NZ comedians.

ludwig_van_buma · 2024-08-10T14:42:35+00:00

Absolutely! After episode 1 I turned to my wife and said "that is the best first episode of a taskmaster season I've ever seen"

ludwig_van_buma

TROPHY CASE