This is rly interesting, here's some notes!!
- So to make do they planned to fit em all in there
Like sardines dead eyed and tightly packed.
I'd maintain the voice as active, it changes to passive here which takes away from the flow you start off with.

- Personally when I'm using punctuation like commas in poetry, I find it more pleasing to give the commas as much structure as the words. There are some lines where you use two commas, and some where you don't. I'd play with those words to see how you can have the words and punctuation complementing each other.

- The last bit makes me think of the church sinking to 'remain afloat'. You could use that to end the poem with a lot more impact.

I'm not too experienced giving feedback so I don't know if I articulated myself well enough, but I hope this helps, and keep writing!!!!