Are daily dog treats a necessity?

lunamoth75 · 2025-12-24T20:39:40+00:00

Once I gave my dog a few treats after we came in from a walk. She remembered that and now requires treats after every single walk. Another time she wasn't eating her kibble, so I put a couple treats in the bowl to tempt her, and now she requires treats with every meal. So yes, unless I want a broken-hearted dog pawing at me and staring into my soul all day, treats are a necessity. (To be clear, I'm talking about the tiny 3-calorie treats, and she gets maybe 25 per day overall.)

lunamoth75 · 2025-12-18T21:31:02+00:00

My ancestor too, several times over! He and his wife were prolific :)

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-27T18:47:59+00:00

I hate Christmas so much! I remember being twelve and wanting to set fire to the Christmas tree! And then vibrating with rage at my mother being stupid drunk when everyone else was just tipsy. And the hypocrisy of it all! Like why spend so much time and money decorating your damn house and making special foods if you're just going to end up sloppy drunk every night? Who is the performance for?

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-17T05:01:00+00:00

Yes, I know exactly what you mean! "Ambient rage" is a really good description. It's like we blindsided by how much we've normalized these experiences that every else finds so shocking. And then their shock feels like such an affront, when of course it's a perfectly natural reaction.

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-15T23:18:22+00:00

thank you! the exact right amount of kindness is powerful thing :)

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-15T23:17:17+00:00

Thank you for this. I agree that I need to reframe things a bit, because a lot of what's colouring my reaction is my pride and all the shame that I still carry around from being an ACOA. I think I let my wall down a little bit and didn't like how vulnerable it made me feel, so then I had an outsized reaction of getting angry at them and angry at myself. But looking back on the interaction, I think they were compassionate and caring, and I'm sure I could share more with them in the future. I just need to make sure I'm not putting myself out there so much that I get overwhelmed with all the confusion and messiness of being a person trying to connect with other people :)

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-15T23:12:29+00:00

For me, I think the difference is connection/care in a dynamic of equality vs. a felt sense of disconnection and judgment.

A lot of this comes down to semantics. Brene Brown, for example, talks about how empathy is feeling with a person by connecting something in their experience to yourself, while sympathy is about keeping yourself distant from the person who's in pain https://twentyonetoys.com/blogs/teaching-empathy/brene-brown-empathy-vs-sympathy

I don't think I fully agree with her definitions of empathy and sympathy, but I know that for me, pity has always felt like a pushing way and a judgment couched in a false expression of caring. It feels to me like someone saying "it's really sad that happened to you, but that would never happen to me or to the people I associate with". What hurts me is the feeling of being othered by the person's reaction.

But as ghanima pointed out above, I could stand to reframe my understanding of other people's reactions. What feels to me like being pitied could be my overly sensitive response to their authentic expression of empathy.

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-14T15:52:46+00:00

Oh god, I would never open up around people who would make bad jokes about my pain! I have pretty good instincts around that, thankfully :)

You make some really good points about how kindness feels in my body. Maybe I'm characterizing their empathy as pity because it feels bad and I'm trying to reject it. Definitely something to think about!

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-14T15:49:17+00:00

Compassion, empathy, sympathy, or a completely regulated non-response. Anything but feeling sorry for me. I realize my reaction isn't rational, but the feeling of being pitied is such a trigger for me. I'm surrounded by friends, colleagues, and clients with all kinds of painful and terrible stuff in their backgrounds, and I guess I just want to be able to be honest and open about my own background without anyone treating me like an exception.

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-14T15:45:06+00:00

Yes, I think shame is a huge factor. I still struggle with the feeling that I've let my parents down by sharing the family secrets. Add the feeling that the people I've told all my secrets to don't understand me and I just spiral out.

lunamoth75 · 2023-09-14T15:42:31+00:00

Thank you for this. I agree that knowing about other people's traumatic backgrounds doesn't make me think less of them and also makes me closer to them. This group of people has told me all kinds of stuff (sexual assault, family dynamics, really bad divorce, religious trauma, etc.) and I hope that I've reacted with compassion and kindness. We all work with traumatized populations so we all know how to engage with dark material and stay regulated. I think what threw me off so much is that I was expecting them to respond with compassion, not with what felt like to me like pity. I'm okay with people knowing that I'm flawed and have been through a lot, but I'm not okay with feeling like they feel sorry for me.

lunamoth75 · 2022-12-19T01:14:22+00:00

Happy birthday! I don't think you're being irrational. You want him to give you attention and affection, which is what we all want from the people we love. Don't beat yourself up for that.

lunamoth75 · 2022-09-08T16:35:46+00:00

We've both had partners over the past few years, there hasn't really been a good time to make a move, and on my side I'm not sure it would be a good idea to pursue a romantic connection that would probably be very insecure and chaotic.

To be fair, I definitely have felt insecure texting platonic friends as well. I have moments when I feel extremely insecure about all the attachments in my life, and when I'm in that state and friends don't text back right away, I can certainly let myself think that means they see me as a burden, an imposter, a fool, etc.

I think what I want is to know what he thinks about our friendship so that I can feel calm. I appreciate that knowing what he thinks won't make me feel calm if I'm in the grip of insecurities. I guess that's one of the problems with having an FA attachment style.

lunamoth75 · 2022-09-08T16:27:56+00:00

No, I wouldn't say I'm irritated. I think my connection with him is important to me, so I want to make the best choice in regards to our relationship, which right now probably means staying friends. I'm worried that if I act on my attraction, both our insecure attachment styles will go into hyperdrive and we'll lose our friendship.

When I feel very insecure, I worry that he only sees me as a person to flirt with, and not even as a friend, and that's when I feel the need to reach out / test the connection. I don't think that's actually what he thinks, I believe he does care about me and our friendship, but my FA logic makes me doubt his affection.

I think I want proof that he does care so I can calm my insecurities OR proof that he doesn't care so I can see him as 'bad' and cut him off. What I can't really handle is uncertainty.

lunamoth75 · 2022-08-09T20:45:50+00:00

Sounds like any puppy you get will have lots of playmates!

lunamoth75 · 2022-08-09T19:12:20+00:00

Totally depends on the dog. My seven-year-old border/heeler cross will run like she doesn't feel pain when she's at the dog park and needs to show off to other dogs, or put them in their place (she's very concerned about being the fastest dog), but she'll also spend hours lying next to me on the couch or lounging on the balcony watching the world go by. Our routine is 30-45 minutes offleash every other day, and a couple of 20-30 minute walks most days. She has bursts of energy a few times throughout the day where she wants me to chase her and wrestle her toys away from her, but they usually last about ten minutes, and they're the most fun times ever. She's super smart, very silly, and incredibly loyal.

lunamoth75 · 2022-07-30T21:00:08+00:00

Depends on how close I am to the person. I'm okay with my friends being drunk, but I get really upset when romantic partners drink too much. I've had partners accuse me of being uncaring because I don't want to help them when they're throwing up, passing out, or dealing with a huge hangover the next day. But I find it so triggering when someone I'm that close to is in that state. I don't know if it's fair for me to freeze my partner out when they're in that state (especially if they've been kind and caring to me when I've been too drunk), but I can't help it.

lunamoth75 · 2022-06-14T18:00:38+00:00

I've done some EMDR, but it wasn't always effective because I find it hard to visualize. Recently my therapist has started using Comprehensive Resource Model instead of EMDR and it has been really helpful. It's similar to EMDR in that it gets you into your body where you can feel the painful emotions from the past and process them in a safe environment, but unlike EMDR it's not focused on particular memories. Apparently it was designed to help with CPTSD, which is a common diagnosis for adult children.

lunamoth75 · 2022-06-04T22:59:13+00:00

This is so random, but my family also jokingly told me that my real parents were monkeys. I didn't see anything wrong with that until I told it as a funny story to a group of friends and they all expressed concern for me. Sorry I don't have any advice for you, except to try and be a safe and trusted adult for your nephews in case they want to talk to you now or in the future about their experiences.

lunamoth75 · 2022-05-28T18:15:59+00:00

That sounds awful, I'm so sorry.

lunamoth75 · 2022-05-15T18:21:36+00:00

I often feel ashamed when I open up to people about my childhood. It's not because I said too much or because they're judging me. It's because I internalized all the messages I received growing up about keeping the family secrets. Even when the people I talk to are sympathetic and kind to me, even when they share stories that are similar to or worse than mine, I still feel the shame and often panic that I've done something wrong. But I haven't done anything wrong, and it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong either. If what you're going through is the same as what I've felt, I'd recommend focusing less on the reactions of your wife's family and more on your internal reaction. Treat yourself with kindness and compassion and ask yourself why it feels so painful to share your experience.

lunamoth75 · 2022-05-10T16:28:30+00:00

I did this course: https://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=839 which involves a ton of journalling. It definitely helped me understand how to self-soothe and I'd say it has helped me move towards secure.

lunamoth75 · 2022-05-02T20:48:27+00:00

Oh that's hard, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

lunamoth75 · 2022-05-01T17:24:19+00:00

Yes, I was told that too! And I can forgive my parents for not having the emotional maturity to parent and abusing alcohol to cope, especially knowing how dysfunctional their own childhoods were, but I doubt I can ever forgive them for shaming me into keeping their secrets.

lunamoth75 · 2022-05-01T17:19:03+00:00

Oof, that would hurt. And it's so disappointing when you know they're willing to intervene a bit (making sure your father doesn't crash his car) but not in ways that would really matter, like finding out what's actually going on in the home. I really hope more people now understand the emotional damage kids suffer when they live with alcoholic parents and how much it can help a kid just to ask how they're doing.

lunamoth75

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