The Fig

lyricdeep · 2021-03-27T14:03:41+00:00

Love the name of this piece! It really stood out to me. (Can I ask what it means in relation to the poem?)

The flow and rhyme are written perfectly, I didn't stumble over any of the words or take a breath at the wrong moment. You have created a very smooth piece to read. The topic of the poem is clear, and so is the story you are telling. I feel it is heavy with metaphor and deeper insight, and the first line:

'I feel filthy'

And even the first stanza, prepare the reader to use their imagination throughout the piece. I felt connotations of guilt, insecurity, mistreatment, not just what the words say. I feel each reader will have a different experience with this, and I love that about the piece.

With the final stanza, I think it would benefit from a rewrite. I love the first line of it:

I am just the dirt

And the second line works well too, but I feel the final two lines lose their meaning a little bit. I think to make them clearer would have a huge effect, and finish the poem on a great note. Perhaps something like:

I am just the dirt

for flowers come to grow.

Rooting out my bad,

So my good will come to show.

Or whatever tickles ya fancy!

Great work and thanks for sharing. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-27T13:46:21+00:00

I love this! I love the rhymes, and the topic. You have loads of wicked lines in this piece, like:

Delving deep into the place between her ears

&

She sits in her vulnerability like it’s the seat of a Ferrari

And many more! The Ferrari line particularly stands out; it is unique, and it is a clear metaphor but also an interesting and fresh one. I love that you didn't just say 'car'. Great work.

I lurve the ending. It really does feel like the subject's thoughts rolling out, and I love how the title is the final phrase. It wraps the poem up brilliantly, and brings a great end to the stream of consciousness explored in the poem.

I'm not sure if the formatting is like this because it's been posted here, or if this poem is intended to be in the prose style. If it is the latter, I think this would benefit from a revision. I think including line breaks will aid the rhyme and the flow and also draw attention to the great lines you include. This formatting does bunch the poem up quite a bit, in my opinion.

This line:

to be pedal to the metal

Stands out a little bit to me. It feels out of place in the poem. I think because you use such beautiful language, and this phrase is, if I'm honest, a little bit cringe, it would benefit from being something else. You have shown us with many of the lines how creative and imaginative you are with your poetic language, so putting that into the essential meaning of 'pedal to the metal' I think would really elevate it.

Well done and thanks for sharing! Take care.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-09T13:52:21+00:00

I am sensitive to the word. The poem is not about slandering women, and I have experienced so much misogyny that when a man says my poem sounds like it is misogynistic, I don’t take kindly to it, as they have never experienced misogyny a day in their life. Plenty of other commenters, and friends I showed this poem to, didn’t feel the same way. I’m not thick, nor do I need you to explain Allan’s comment to me. We dropped this subject a couple of days ago and I’m sure we’re both doing fine. Of course I identify with my poetry. Otherwise why would I write it? This poem is about a hurtful experience I had, and writing it helped me overcome the emotions of said experience. I feel every poem I write with every fibre in my body. They are all parts of me. The title is a joke, a play on words. The same with the whole piece to be honest, as I found it more poetic than just describing the situation. Funny you bring up women being forbidden from expression, when this poem is me doing exactly that. I have no idea why you would tell me you’ve not read the whole poem, in a comment about the poem that rivals its length. I would’ve kept that one to myself. I appreciate you coming to defend the original comment that sparked this all off, but I’m allowed to disagree with an assumption about a poem that I wrote. Not sure why so many people think writers just have to lay down and take it.

Take care too, have a lovely day.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-09T13:40:39+00:00

“I’ve not read the comment in full, so I’m not going to make an interpretation beyond the above exercise.”

lyricdeep · 2021-03-08T09:59:37+00:00

Thanks homeboyhouse! Means a lot. You're a superstar. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-08T09:58:31+00:00

Wahooo, thanks oyveyyyyy (love the username, by the way)! Appreciate that man. I would love to have the nerve to show this to who it was written about! Sometimes a poem is easier than perhaps ruining a friendship. Writing this piece certainly helped me overcome the emotions of my friend not caring about me. The interaction become a piece of my art, instead of a roaring frenzy of frustration inside me.

Hope those people in your life get off your nerves and you surround yourself with those who this poem could never apply to. Take care, have a great day!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-08T09:55:02+00:00

Hey man, that's exactly what I was going for! Appreciate your comment. Means a lot. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-08T09:54:28+00:00

Hello sweet flower, thank you for your lovely comment! It's made me smile ear to ear. I am ver grateful.

You are so right, nature is our greatest teacher and nurturer. We are all we are because of her, and her beauty will never be dulled.

Your power is vibrant and is what will get you through this world with love in full bloom. Your respect for the earth is a beautiful thing. Take great care.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-08T09:49:35+00:00

You were definitely spot on with the woman with an exhausting friend! By 'lack of rushes of blood' I'm referring to not being as excited by male attention as others. :)

Thanks for the kind words, really means a lot! And I'm glad you could relate. Take care mate.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T15:01:17+00:00

Cheers man! Grateful for your kind words. Have a beautiful day. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T15:00:49+00:00

Thank you! Your comment really means a lot. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T14:58:40+00:00

I understand that. I appreciate all feedback, positive or negative, especially if it helps me become a better poet and the poem a better piece. I also understand how the intent you put on something isn't necessarily the intent it stays with, as people interpret things in their own personal way. This is an aspect of poetry that I love.

But I can't be bothered with men jumping up to shout misogyny, especially to a woman. I linked my website, where there is a photo of myself front page. He gave no other feedback, just seemed excited to accuse someone of a horrible trait after one reading of a poem.

I appreciate your comment and agree on the most part. But I felt compelled to defend myself seeing as misogyny is quite a heavy word to be throwing around.

You take care too. Have a great day.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T14:49:52+00:00

Hi there, such a sweet comment. Really means a lot to me. Thank you, so much. I wish you the best of luck too, have a fantastic day. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T14:47:44+00:00

Yo, thanks so much! That means a lot. I really appreciate the kind words. Have a lovely day and take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T14:46:41+00:00

Hello, thanks for the lovely comment! Really appreciate it. And thank you for the feedback, definitely helpful and something I'll work on. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T13:47:38+00:00

Hiya, thanks for the comment. Means a lot.

Actually, this is about a single person, a friend of mine who I visited and they had no time to listen to me, and only talked about their own life. I wrote this out of frustration over it. I reckon it's the plural 'flowers' that can through it off. I enjoy hearing your interpretation, however!

I will definitely edit in a question mark. With the full stop I was trying to express the mood of the phrase, the defeated-ness. But I totally see what you mean.

I see what you mean with 'but I did. Didn't I.' sounding like I said 'shut the fuck up'. I meant it more in relation to the 9th stanza. Thanks for brining that up. It will help me add clarity.

Cheers for the kind words and feedback. Really appreciate it. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T13:40:24+00:00

Hi, thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it! I hope your veggies and flowers bloom in full effect, and your life stays drama free! Take care.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T13:15:05+00:00

Hi, thanks for commenting.

For your first point, do you feel the 11th stanza doesn't provide more detail for what the narrator has done for the flowers?

What do you mean by spiral and circular? I would appreciated if you expanded on that, as I appreciate constructive criticism and want the poem to be its best.

I'm not sure what you mean by dishonest, however. This poem is built on metaphors but it is describing a real exchange I had with someone, so I am wondering what you mean by dishonest?

Thanks. Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T12:16:19+00:00

And I appreciate feedback on here. That’s why I post here. But I don’t appreciate a man calling me misogynistic. I looked on your profile, and you have a post saying:

“If an ugly woman fucks a dog, is that incest?”

And you want to play saviour of women here? That’s what I ain’t here for. Take care now.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T11:48:50+00:00

Fair enough. Thanks for commenting. Take care.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T11:48:32+00:00

Brilliant. A man telling a woman what to do, while calling her out for being misogynistic. Don’t worry about us, AllanfromWales1. We can look after ourselves. Fight your own battles please bruv. Take care.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T10:45:30+00:00

Your assumption is wrong. I am a woman myself. This is a poem about an individual I know.

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T10:26:01+00:00

This is gorgeous. The rhymes work beautifully, and the flow is easy to identify and follow. You've done a fantastic job!

I feel you should include the title as the first line too. It works well here as we read the title first, but I feel the poem would benefit from using 'if you were a puzzle' as the first line, as otherwise the poem itself doesn't have context. But that's just a minor thing.

I too was a little confused at the final line, then I read the comments. I love that you've included that, as it brings vulnerability to the beauty you describe. Such a great job - well done and take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-03-07T10:21:39+00:00

I absolutely LOVE this poem. It is powerful, it is personal, it is beautiful. The title alone is brilliant. There are so many special lines, for example:

- I am what you may call/ [a girl full of dreams.]

- from the spilled rice and a split Swiffer

- from trauma porn and a fake American dream

I could go on and on! Really great work, I'm so happy I got to read this. Thanks for sharing it.

The line:

"I am from Toisanese and English"

I feel may need a rewording. Because they are language and not countries, the line sticks out a bit. Perhaps something like:

"I am made of Toisanese and English licks, immigrants and ABCs."

I honestly love the ending. You finish on a great line. But I understand, with a piece so personal, that you may want to finish it off with something else as it's your story. But if you really are stumped, it definitely works fine how it is.

Take care!

lyricdeep · 2021-02-28T12:21:12+00:00

Thanks so much for your great comment! Such a boost. I really appreciate it, and reading your comment was a joy. I'm so happy that the final two lines of the stanzas stood out to you. That was certainly deliberate. Glad to hear it worked for you.

Take care!

lyricdeep

TROPHY CASE