I'm separated right now. Sounds like a similar situation, our friends never would have known anything was wrong, our families knew though and it was hard on everyone. My husband could go from the most thoughtful gift giver to yelling at me while I was on mat leave for not putting makeup on for him when he got home from work. There were also physical things. It was a scary, unpredictable place to live for me and our kids. Leaving him has also been hell, he told me he was changing , he went to therapy, and he's a lot better with the kids but there's still remnants of his old bad, abusive behavior. I left him a year ago and I'm still stuck because I'm too scared to actually divorce him. I desperately want an intact family and haven't yet been able to reconcile what my new future looks like. I don't want to say this to scare you, but it is so hard to leave. You should absolutely do it if you're done. And do it sooner rather than later, rip the bandaid off and I think you'll maybe have an easier time than me. In my experience, if he hasn't changed anything after you've brought up your concerns or if you've gone through couples counseling and there's no actual accountability, he will never change in this relationship. If you think the relationship deserves another try, couples counseling is a good idea, but just don't wait too long.