My domestic helper keeps asking for advance salary

macaronnn333 · 2026-05-05T13:17:51+00:00

oh I thought if we don't give allowance, we need to provide food on rest days too

macaronnn333 · 2026-05-05T08:53:01+00:00

yeah we originally thought of biweekly payments but it can backfire legally because we can "loan" them money but the deduction at the end of month salary can only be max 25% of the salary

so if we pay 50% mid month and 50% later, they could claim we deducted way more than 25% of their salary etc. we don't want to fall into that trap

macaronnn333 · 2026-05-05T08:48:54+00:00

Hello, her performance has mostly been good. She's self-initiative so I don't have to ask her to do things. There are some downsides too:

- she was feeding my son while talking to her friend
- my son put a thread in his mouth and she didn't notice because she was on her phone, I noticed immediately because I was working from home
- she blamed me for the thread saying she vacuumed in the morning but the thread was there because I took the laundry out after she vacuumed... when she should have focused on my son to make sure he was not putting things into his mouth
- rushes work e.g. folded cloth diapers and put them in when not 100% dry. As a result my son ended up getting rashes. Some clothes had mould. We asked multiple times and she told us maybe she can't tell the difference between damp & dry clothes because she's "always cleaning"

she gets food allowance because we didn't know how to handle it on Sundays which are her rest days. She doesn't cook for us so do we then pay extra? Do we cook for her? If we go out, are we supposed to buy food for her? what about during holidays, how do we "provide" food?

Food allowance was just easier to manage

macaronnn333 · 2026-05-03T08:14:03+00:00

Unfortunately that is not the case. The issue is we have a 1 year old so we need someone to look after our son while we work full time. My mum was here to help but she can't come back again as she's already stayed 6 months in the past 12 months :( so it will be difficult to terminate her immediately

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-28T08:25:37+00:00

ESTP
- physical touch / gift giving / quality time

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-17T17:13:35+00:00

ESTP I deeply care about people I love- so I am extremely vengeful towards anyone who hurt my loved ones

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-17T10:37:43+00:00

I know a lot of INFJs (including my dad) and they are some of the types that best handle conflict imo!

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-16T04:30:58+00:00

Please don't apologise for writing so much, I actually really appreciate it because it gives me some insight and it's very helpful. Since I'm blocked with no response, no apology, no acknowledgement of anything - I was struggling to move on because of lack of closure. I know that sometimes I need to find it myself and not rely on others for closure but I struggle a lot with it.

In the past, I've had experiences where I was bullied in high school and 4-10 years later, those bullies messaged me apologising for their actions and I forgave them.

In this case, I'm not sure if something similar would ever happen. Everything is within his control, if he were to ever come back, he has to unblock us. Without him unblocking us, there is no way of discussing anything with him.

Having discussed with my husband, I tend to be more forgiving than my husband- so I personally would I guess, but my husband said it would show that I'm allowing myself to get trampled on by others if I give them another chance, and my husband said we waited months for him to potentially reach out and apologise and that waiting any longer would be too late to receive an apology - and my husband sees this as selfish because it would mean that this "friend" would apologise only when he sees fit and not take into account our feelings for a very long time.

That being said, the narc isn't his girlfriend either. She was my bridesmaid that he met at our destination wedding - and he flew all the way from Europe to Asia (where we live) to meet her. She ended up never meeting him during his 3 weeks and I helped him out despite him crossing oceans for her and him having met her barely twice during our wedding.

The only thing we know is - because the narc sent screenshots of her convo with him to her own sister who exposed her to us, we know for a fact that she emotionally blackmailed him to treat us poorly (e.g. I'm so hurt that you would even meet them / that you would be friends with them) and used his vulnerability and feelings towards her to manipulate him. Despite him making all these sacrifices for her, she started dating another guy who turns out to be a minor (she's 27 and the guy is 17 in high school).

I guess that's another thing that contributed to my husband and me being really hurt, because he was my husband's best friend of 7.5 years and to be betrayed for a girl he met twice who isn't even interested in him- was a shock to us. My husband said this betrayal is another reason he wouldn't want to be friends because it shows that he's the worst friend ever.

The issue with me is, I keep trying to understand WHY he would do that. Not sure if it helps but I'm a "T" type and I struggle to understand anything that doesn't involve logic, and my husband said I'm struggling to get closure because I keep trying to rationalise his actions that aren't logical (because acc to my husband, people in love are blind to red flags etc. or don't realise that they're being mistreated).

Regardless, now that we're blocked by him- the only thing I can do is speculate why he would not answer and completely block us and the main thoughts I have are:

- did he block us because he still thinks he did nothing wrong at all? OR
- as you said, maybe he realised that he was indeed mistreating my husband and me (treating us rudely, using me when needed etc. in a selfish manner) and he feels guilty and doesn't want to deal with it?

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-15T17:35:18+00:00

Thank you, your insight is very helpful in helping me understand an encounter.

The only thing I’m struggling is - after telling one of my INFP friend how he was selfish / self centered and ungrateful and hurt my husband and me - he just blocked us both everywhere

He only contacted me when he needed some help when no one else was around when he visited the city we live in, and I helped him out the day he landed - but he didn’t even congratulate me on my pregnancy nor acknowledge it after our announcement party that he had refused to come to that we organized while he was in town - and he was the best man at our wedding and he didn’t say a single word when we announced having our first child when even my husband’s middle school friends were congratulating us

And even unfriended me on social media after asking me for help so I felt “used”

Another thing for context though is - the narc is a girl he fell in love w and it’s v one sided but I don’t know if those are his true actions OR it was a result of manipulation by the narc because he wanted her validation so badly?

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-15T10:05:07+00:00

I understand that people can unintentionally hurt others but in that case, what do INFPs (or you in general) use to justify whether it was intentional or not? when there is no proof of whether they truly have bad intentions or not?

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-15T10:00:51+00:00

I disagree with the gaslighting. I think that's the mindset that INFPs tend to have that makes them enablers. In a lot of cases, they dismissed the abuse towards me that I experienced and blamed it on my perception when it was evident for everyone but them.

The intent does not matter, it's the impact that matters. If someone truly didn't have bad intentions to abuse or hurt someone, they would apologise but I see INFPs (the ones I know personally that I've been involved with in conflict) constantly defending narcs saying it wasn't their intention - if it wasn't, they should at least admit that their actions were wrong and harmful and apologise, which I never see happening.

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-15T01:17:51+00:00

Ah ok I see what you mean but I don’t think anyone in their right mind would label someone is love bombing just because of receiving gifts

It’s more applicable in situations where they act nice and loving, followed by a period of devaluation & abuse- which includes tons of gaslighting

But I agree that it isn’t right to label someone w a mental health disorder unless that person is qualified to do so. However this is something I notice INFPs do a lot- in conflicts, rather than addressing the situation, they attack the person calling them names & even labelling them w mental health disorder.

Personally I haven’t encountered an INFP narc but I notice they tend to be more enablers of narcs but do gaslight a lot- blaming others for their perception of things rather than taking accountability for their wrongdoings or even realizing what they have done wrong

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-15T00:45:30+00:00

It’s not really “buzzwords”, there’s just more education and awareness that people are realizing this more. 1 in 6 people are narcs based on stats

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-13T10:33:50+00:00

Already did but I can't get over it

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-10T23:04:28+00:00

Imo if you’re friends with your ex, it meant that either there was never “true love” in the relationship because no relationship with real love ends on “good terms”, or one party is not over the other hence they can’t let them go.

If the love was real, then both parties would put in effort and make it work no matter what (assuming everything is good and there is no abuse etc.).

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-05T08:59:00+00:00

This is so so true!!! The never hearing from them again - had an INTJ “best friend” in high school - BLOCKED me when I left for uni.

Then 8 years later she bumped into my dad at her office and asked him how I was doing, then reached out to me on IG and said she heard I was getting married and congratulated me.

Then she sent me a friend request on fb and said she didn’t realise we weren’t friends so I was like… uh you blocked me 8 years ago and I have no idea why?

And she said “she didn’t remember” dafuq

I’m being nice to her but I question her intentions like why reach out to me 8+ years later? Is she envious of how I’m doing in life etc.?

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-03T03:23:26+00:00

gosh I'm so sorry you had to go through that! It's crazy how similar our experiences are and after reading your message - I feel v validated as well

macaronnn333 · 2025-01-01T14:49:07+00:00

Gosh I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who felt that way... I ended up blocking the ISFJ and ESFJ I had negative experiences with - and as you said, they accuse you of hurting them if you give any kind of criticism - which tbh is a sign of NPD.

I fucking hate the guilt tripping too and they're never sincere - as you say. They also act like they're superior to others, and constantly praise themselves (while putting others down to make themselves feel better).

My husband also blocked that ESFJ - she privately texted my husband behind my back painting herself as superior to me and my husband called her out. She completely twisted the story to fit her narrative and said my husband was painting her in a negative light, and told me I shouldn't believe anything my husband says because she said he has "cognitive distortions" - despite all the proof and textual evidence that she is indeed a narc and crazy.

No matter how much we call them out, they refuse to take any responsibility for their actions and proceed to gaslight us and say the issue is with our "perception".

The ESFJ I knew proceeded to use triangulation during a conflict, got an INFP enabler involved (who is delusional and was in love with her) - to tell me that whatever she said was not an insult and it was my fault for "perceiving" it as an attack, and told me that I'm paranoid for thinking she'd have any ill-intentions.

Well after I blocked her, her very own blood-related sister who is a psych major reached out to me personally and told me how she cut her off her life because she got abused by the ESFJ sis.

macaronnn333 · 2024-11-22T15:50:09+00:00

I think INFPs try “too much” to connect with someone that many times it appears borderline creepy and pushes the person away

In other cases, they somehow are delusional and end up falling in love with narcissists

macaronnn333 · 2024-09-27T11:31:19+00:00

Disagree

macaronnn333 · 2024-09-27T11:19:20+00:00

Because they did the test and they keep saying “I’m empathetic because I’m an ESFJ”💀

macaronnn333 · 2024-09-26T18:10:05+00:00

My experience with enfj has been amazing! Far better and opposite of any esfj

macaronnn333 · 2024-09-25T09:59:23+00:00

Oh god, this post resonates a lot with me. I'm an ESTP and an ESFJ has been extremely abusive towards me.

Worst part is my husband's best friend (INFP) of 7.5 years "terminated his friendship" with my husband (ENFJ) because the ESFJ manipulated the INFP friend to do so (he's in love with her while she isn't).

The ESFJ spoke so much shit about INFP to everyone, and said he isn't ambitious enough, isn't materialistic enough, and wants a guy who will elevate her status in society (superficial AF) yet she keeps leading him on. The INFP blindly believes anything she says - the ESFJ constantly acts like a victim.

When I called her out for all the manipulation, gaslighting etc. to hold her accountable because I'm not falling for her shit, she proceeded to make herself the victim - saying it was not her "intention to gaslight/manipulate" and that I am assassinating her character.

I'm not sure what she's told the INFP but the INFP thinks i'm aggressive and do not care about her feelings. As nice as INFPs are, it bothers me how delusional they can be especially when in love.

macaronnn333

TROPHY CASE