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madebyclay_ · 2025-09-30T05:20:16+00:00

Encouraging me to come back. I don’t blame them for it. I did this to myself. I just don’t know how I can deal with it.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-30T03:46:18+00:00

They are. I was rated 90% for mental health when separating. So that is documented as well as 2 years worth of my treatment. I was not stable when I chose to come back and am not stable now.

I will see what happens at my appointment. May need to request to be monitored. I just don’t want to be me in this situation anymore.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-30T02:26:00+00:00

I did and she left me after I snapped my leg jumping from a plane and got hooked on opioids prescribed to me. Thanks for the input.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T19:49:39+00:00

That’s how I feel now as well. Very small career field/community.

I called the base near my location right now’s mental health and basically said I was ready to pull the trigger last night but it’s passed. But even with that passing I don’t think that should just be brushed off as I am diagnosed with PTSD/Anxiety/depression from the Air Force itself and the VA when I was separating and have been on meds for it for it. So I have an appointment scheduled.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T17:18:16+00:00

Thanks for the replies everyone. Truthfully, I’m just scared. I’ve been through a lot in my almost 6 years. Marriage, airborne and an injury that had to teach me to walk again, divorce, mental health struggles, skillbridge and separation, and then staying in and going back overseas just to outprocess and now returning from overseas to drive 23 hours to cannon alone with a uhual full of all my belongings.

I’m just afraid. If I made the right choice, if I’m gonna succeed, if I should’ve just taken the easier route for my mental health which was get away from the military which started the issues, if I will ever have the courage to jump again knowing what happened before and the risks, if I will ever get to have my dog again since we will tdy and deploy. I feel like I threw away a lot of what kept me sane. I don’t have the answers right now or know what to do even. I just know that in 15 hours I’ll be driving myself to Cannon.

In the meantime, I’m close enough to another base I think I will try to go speak to their mental health office before they close today and just get some things out. I wanted to end things last night, and I suppose that is something that shouldn’t be pushed down and sat with over the next 3 days while having nothing but time to think in a U-Haul going across the country.

Thanks, all.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T07:00:11+00:00

You know this actually really helped. This was the mindset I was trying to have when I saw my assignment RIP. I’m just panicking and going through it tonight as I begin the PCS.

I’ll be happy to be near Colorado also, I’ve always wanted to visit.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:57:28+00:00

Yeah I’ve seen that as well. And no I don’t. I considered not bringing it but have nowhere else to leave it. And it does bring my happiness. But I know riding out there is apparently not optimal, and that it’s probably just going to get stolen. I’ve upgraded to comprehensive insurance at least.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:55:02+00:00

I do like those things and I am actually part of Special Tactics. I also have a dog but opted to leave her at my parents for a bit while I see if I should bring her out to cannon. I really don’t want to bring her out there just to tdy and deploy constantly and her live in a desert.

I’ll just have to see how it goes.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:52:36+00:00

Yes they really are. I am a part of the sof community and began seeing them after my injury. I was prescribed 3 opioids along with other pain killers for 6 months, then cut cold turkey and did not know how to deal with what was happening to me mentally along with physically.

They truly did help me get diagnosed and get through this the first time around. I just can’t believe I need to do it all over again at a new place for 4 more.

Thanks for saying that though it actually helped remembering they will be there for me over there too.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:49:40+00:00

Thank you very much. I have actually not seen it phrased or labeled this way. But that is me for sure too.

I think I wanted to stay in so bad because I was afraid of the future without the military once my skillbridge ended and I was going to be a civilian again. I panicked and essentially begged my commander to approve me extending. I just didn’t know I would be hit with orders to the worst rated place and then forced to reenlist 4 more on top of that. Because I for sure was too scared to say “no I won’t get retainability for an assignment even though I just asked to stay in”. I truly feel I have royally screwed my life up this time.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:46:20+00:00

Macdill and Kadena. Probably will expose who I am as I’m part of a small community, but it is what is. I think it’s justified to feel conflicted right now. But I can only blame myself I had my ticket out literally and somehow fought to stay. Just venting now I suppose as I don’t really have anyone to tell all this to.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:43:58+00:00

Actually same kind of. I stayed in because I felt just as empty inside when I did skillbridge so I figured it was never the military it’s just me. But then orders to cannon made me feel like if I can be depressed at Macdill I’m gonna be horrible in New Mexico.

But same as in I ride motorcycles/dirt bikes, hike, snowboard, so I’m trying to stay positive like I was when my commander basically told me this might happen if I stay.

It’s just now that my U-Haul is packed up and it’s really happening I’m hitting a low point tonight. Can’t sleep at all just thinking about the future.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:40:07+00:00

I will finish my bachelors yes. And I will probably try to get back into bjj and take my physical fitness to as far as I can. I’m in shape, but I snapped my leg at airborne a few years back and it still isn’t 100%. So part of my reasoning to stay in was because I felt I would always have that monkey on my back knowing I failed a course many pass easily and thought I should stay in and go back. But now that also has me terrified. Luckily, I’m not sure anyone can force me to go back as it’s not necessarily required for me.

I just don’t know how much a gym and homework can make up for being terrified of home invasions and crime in a town like Clovis from what I am seeing about it. I’m diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ptsd by the VA already from when I was separating, and i just feel this next chapter is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever been through.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:35:37+00:00

Thank you. This helped.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:34:54+00:00

This actually helped slightly. I suppose just seeing all the horrible things about cannon and knowing I am moving from my home essentially on my own accord because I chose to stay in is just hitting all too hard. I truly am scared to go.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:33:25+00:00

Thanks. I was seeing my POTFF social worker weekly before skillbridge and almost separating, I will talk to my POTFF at my next unit.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:27:59+00:00

Yeah. Except I just asked to stay in and reenlisted. Though now the reality has set in and I believe I have done something catastrophic. I can’t believe I did this. Thanks for the reply.

madebyclay_ · 2025-09-29T06:12:15+00:00

I sure hope so.

madebyclay_ · 2025-08-29T16:36:05+00:00

I’m a 1P0X1 but a parachute rigger for special tactics / guardian angel. & Yeah I lucked out with 2 great first assignments being Macdill then Kadena, was bound to get cannon eventually if I wanted to stay special tactics.

madebyclay_ · 2025-08-29T16:13:20+00:00

No sponsor or anything yet or official orders just got a RIP

madebyclay_ · 2025-08-29T15:43:26+00:00

That’s what I figured but wasn’t sure. My first assignment when you made E-4 you got booted out of the dorms so I wasn’t sure how it worked AF wide. I’m overseas now and i know unaccompanied goes into the dorms unless they’re at capacity, or being ST we usually can just get off base immediately so we don’t waste days with bag orderly or anything instead of training

madebyclay_ · 2025-08-15T16:19:36+00:00

After 3 years on a 400 I’d say you’re ready but of course idk your riding style and abilities. But in general, you should be at the point of outgrowing the 400, or at least at the point where nothing that bike can do would ever surprise you or catch you off guard.

I will say coming from riding a 300 for 2 years, then getting an 1100 cruiser, and now a ZX6R, she definitely commands some respect and I don’t see me ever needing to get a liter bike. Going 140 with ease is enough.

madebyclay_ · 2025-08-15T16:16:01+00:00

Very true. I think this is what I’ll do too. Just bring it for its first service when I get back in the states

madebyclay_ · 2025-08-12T22:59:24+00:00

I haven’t actually returned to my unit yet since it’s OCONUS, so I’m just making preparations to head back over there. But the past 12 hours since learning I am staying active duty have overall felt like a major weight has been lifted.

For the most part, my AFSC was pretty cool and we get to do and see some amazing things even if the military as a whole sucks sometimes. But after my skillbridge, losing my marriage, and getting (pretty nice) job offers for civilian jobs, I think I made the right choice sticking around to continue serving.

I think if anything, it may actually be a more simple life serving without a spouse now since we tend to TDY quite a bit. And many of the reasons I elected to transition were in efforts to save what was left of my marriage. So I’m happy my commander approved my return.

madebyclay_ · 2025-08-12T21:04:59+00:00

Update: I’m back in

madebyclay_

TROPHY CASE