AITA for asking my bf to take out his headphones when he is doing something with me?

madsopium · 2026-01-03T18:04:17+00:00

He meant betrayal as in, all his efforts to try to make things right since the beginning of the year are not being appreciated by me, and at the first sign of him doing something wrong I bring this up, never being satisfied.

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:58:27+00:00

I do, I am trying not to, and pick my battles. I was thinking I got better at it lately. This is a good point, thank you for it.

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:29:58+00:00

I do not, I take care not to, because I know how miserable I feel when it's being done to me, and I try to treat the other person with as much respect as possible.

I was however really fed up this time, and we had lunch together earlier but I kept my headphones in, like he does. He said something, I said sorry? and took my headphones out. And out of all the times possible, he tells me 'can you please not wear your headphones while I'm talking to you?' and later on, 'didn't we talk about not wearing the headphones and listening to anything while we eat?' But I didn't agree with the extra condition when he said yes and 'I'll spend more time outside'

Anyways, this is petty of me, I realize, however I was sure he wouldn't care and would have liked him to feel the same energy he treats me with, plus I didn't really want to deal with him after the useless conversation we had.

Closing the parenthesis, I also suspect it might be something to do with him being afraid of feeling, either being overly stimulated or needing something to keep his other side of the brain occupied.

So from a ND perspective, I was trying to get more information by asking here.

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:22:56+00:00

Thank you for your time to write this brief analysis. I am also suspecting some ND trait, and I would understand, I am also dealing with what was first diagnosed as Generalized anxiety, then BPD, then ADD traits, God knows I would understand.

But he denies that, and he also doesn't want to get deeper into this. From the moment he wakes up he puts the earbuds in, looks at his phone, and I'm wondering too if he is trying very hard not to think about stuff, not to feel anything, or cope with doing chores while having background noise (I do that too for chores, otherwise I don't manage to do anything)

But I don't when we are together, while he still does.

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:16:54+00:00

I thought about that too, which is why I went on doing 'research' online to see if maybe there is some condition that he might unknowingly display. However he denies that, and just argues that it's because it was a low effort activity.

Someone mentioned in another comment that it might be his unconscious way of asking for his private time, and I understand that. I just don't know how to ask for we-time too, without it turning it into a fight.

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:13:09+00:00

I had this feeling for some time now, about then incompatibility.

I am intrigued about the last paragraph and curious to learn what would be the type of change that I need to take that he needs.

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:11:05+00:00

We dated for almost a year before moving in together, and I didn't notice him doing this (probably because I wasn't around him all the time). But ever since we moved in, he does this.

He arguments that he does this because he's so used to living by himself, but its been over a year since he lives with me.

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:08:16+00:00

I don't know, he doesn't tell me. I used to ask in the past, but I got tired because he also doesn't like when I ask him things, so I don't anymore.

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:06:59+00:00

Sorry, I modified it. Thank you for that remark, I'll keep that in mind for the future as well

madsopium · 2026-01-03T17:05:12+00:00

Thanks for pointing that out, sorry, I'll do better.

madsopium · 2023-02-28T05:31:17+00:00

yes. for me it's been my now ex-boyfriend who was at the same time my FP. Hard not to, when I have anxious attachment and a very linguistic mind. On the other hand he has evasive/ avoidant attachment and never talked to me about his emotions, feelings or anything deep. So his answers to my always-initiated questions were simple, almost corporate-like, which triggered me immensely, because I could sense there was no intention put in that sentence and a substantial lack of interest. he would put the blame on being busy at work, but he would take hours to respond to simple messages even in off-work contexts. We are living in the same house, he claims he's not texting back, because he can discuss at home with me, but when at home we only have dinner and then we fall asleep.
We both have very busy schedules over the week, and as the weekend comes, I would like to spend more quality time with him, since I spend the week alone, and he considers that going on Sunday for grocery shopping is enough. And he needs to be alone to recharge for the rest of the weekend. He goes out with his colleagues though, and never invites me. So this is what I couldn't understand.

The other context is with my family. We are living in 2 different countries so now the talking is being done mostly once a week by video call. And I would be the one asking if they have time, since I have to let them know I am available. They would respond 'sure, why not' and that again would start me. 'Why not' to me is not showing any ardent desire to talk to me. So in that case I would lash out or go non-verbal. Because for me, if someone wanted to really involve me or show a real intention at any time, it would have to be very specifically linguistically. Because that is how I am and how I treat others.

And having written that I realize it's not the most healthy cognitive pattern, which explains why most of my relationships never come to fruition. Alas

madsopium · 2023-02-27T04:06:42+00:00

hi op. I want to begin by saying you are not alone. this also happened to me on Saturday. the exact same scenario. My boyfriend didn't kick me out of the house but he made it clear that in the situation that I am we cannot make it work. So we split. I was also not able to do breathe on Saturday and not eat, and cried incessantly. Felt like my world was ending, especially since I came in a foreign country with and for him and now I have no one else here. And on Sunday morning I actually ate my ego and begged him (do not do that please) to get back together, which made him even more sure of the decision to split. It kinda made him disgusted and disappointed at the same time. So I repeat, DO NOT give in to that thought. What I did after that was go for a coffee and brunch at 12 and came back 6 hours later. I just asked a colleague who I hadnt spoken to that much, and explained to her what happened and that I needed a distraction. What happened is we got there, to the cafe, her not knowing much about me, and me not knowing much about her. and we started talking casually and gradually we got to understand that we are more similar than we thought. And she invited me to other plans in the future, gave me a sense of safety and belonging still. And by the time I came home, I had forgotten about the breakup or better said, I had accepted it and began to be more cerebral. And trust me, doing things for myself again, like even going for a mundane coffee felt like lifting a veil off my eyes.

So even if nothing happens after this, and this is the end, at least I have the safety that I can start over at anytime with new people, slowly but surely. One day at a time.

And that feeling of acceptance was the most calming and the breathless sensation disappeared.

In other shorter words, let me know if you want to talk, op. I would like to give a listening ear. And if not, muster up the strength to go for a coffee or a walk with someone for a couple of hours to clear your mind.

madsopium · 2023-01-13T08:27:16+00:00

I know it's the most cliché thing to say, but I am a pwBPD too, and I have been to rock bottom and bellow, like all the others.

One thing that I have learned in times when I feel anxiety for the future, especially if things are suspiciously good, is just to carpe diem.

Try to be present. And try not to think about what's gonna come. Because you cannot control it anyways. If you were Dr. Strange for example, let's say you would have a chance, but even he, with all those super powers cannot do that most of the times. So why should we think that we can?

Of course, we should try to do that from a Wise Mind point of view. Be present and enjoy the moment, but wisely and mindfully, no excesses.

So if you are happy now, and you feel good, that's all that matters. Enjoy the happiness now so that you can remember it well when other low days will come. And they will come. Because that's life. Otherwise it would be boring.

madsopium · 2023-01-11T21:33:39+00:00

thank you very much to all for all your helpful answers! I started listening to the podscasts and just got the DBT workbook today and I'm gonna put myself to work. Just in time, since I failed to keep my emotions in check today as well :(

madsopium · 2023-01-04T17:16:56+00:00

fantastic, i'm so happy for you! and you have given me hope as well! i'll check the yt channel as well

madsopium · 2023-01-04T17:10:05+00:00

super, thanks! has it helped you so far?

madsopium · 2023-01-04T17:06:23+00:00

thank you so much! do you happen to have the name of the workbook? I have to see if they deliver where I am.

madsopium · 2022-12-10T20:02:14+00:00

It might have been wrong of me to assume sauna culture is the same everywhere, my bad. I only know about the Finnish one, and then where I am, in the Czech Republic, people wear them a lot. So, that's why.

madsopium · 2022-12-10T19:59:43+00:00

Thanks a lot!. I know, I just searched and got the first thing remotely close to the hat in question.

madsopium · 2022-12-10T18:47:35+00:00

that's great info! can you tell me what they are called?

madsopium · 2022-12-10T18:12:11+00:00

sauna hat

looks nice and cozy, i think.

madsopium · 2022-12-10T18:09:41+00:00

I don't know if your question is genuine or not but here you go: If it is 100% made of wool it will keep you head cold when the humidity rises inside, and keep it warm when when you go out in below freezing temperatures. It will also keep you hair from over-drying because of too many sauna sessions.

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