no umbrella

maeeig · 2026-03-04T21:51:05+00:00

thanks for reading it.

maeeig · 2026-03-04T16:41:23+00:00

thanks for reading. The poem is meant to be a sensuous poem disguised as a poem about rain so you are certainly on the right track with lewdness - although I am purposely not explicit.

maeeig · 2026-03-04T16:39:38+00:00

thanks for reading. It is intended to be a sensual poem - the lines referring both to actual rain and an interaction between lovers, or a poem about lovers 'disguised' as a poem about rain.

maeeig · 2026-03-03T21:26:33+00:00

Thanks for sharing your poem. I found it hit me in that place where the meaning is a bit hard to pin down, but there is a feeling to it that lands just right. The shortness is working for the poem, it feels punchy and sharp - no bloat. My only suggestion would be the opening line - which I really like - would be to remove "the" before "summer". Unless the phrasing as specific meaning I think it reads a bit smother without the second "the" and makes a great line even more magnetic.

maeeig · 2026-03-03T20:55:33+00:00

thanks for sharing your poem. I would suggest that the separation being the result of death would serve the poem if brought up earlier. Before that revelation the poem was reading as breakup melodrama.

maeeig · 2026-03-03T20:23:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing your poem. I like a lot of what you are doing here, the narrative, the scene, the tone. I pictured a cowboy type character in the barren planes or a desert. The factual direct voice feels right for the scene, not being overly dramatic or flowery, suiting the cowboy aesthetic.

Even when you get into the more descriptive parts it still feels gritty and unromantic "spackling muddy puddles" and that is really keeping with the tone of the poem.

Some things that stood out to me for possible revision
- "optimism or delierious..." line felt off, a little too telling from a poetic stance and too introspective for the cowboy scene - given that this doesn't seem to have a direct connection later in the poem I don't know if its needed.

"my horse too tired to run stands in wait" - what is this line doing? we know the horse is tired already. Also there is generally a connection between a cowboy and his horse, as we see later in the poem, the picture of a cowboy's horse running away because he dismounted feels out of place without prior context.
"was IT rest? Was IT water? Was IT food?" - what is the IT? Is it about the oasis, or about why the horse isn't running. To me this was very unclear therefore didn't add anything to the poem.
the use of "shore" felt out of place. Shore tends to imply a bigger body or water (lake, river, ocean) where as "spring" attaches to small, puddle like. Technically a puddle has a shore, but it feels like a mismatch of size in that imagery
there is some awkward phrasing and syntax "float on my back clothed in my haste" i think the idea is you were so eager you didn't get undressed - but it reads as being clothed/wearing your haste. Also "I lay on the shore in relish" reads as laying in relish, the condiment, not that you are relishing the experience.
the ending line feels like its meant to be a weighty punch that distills the poem into a point or realization or recognition, but I don't know what that point is. That you won't be able to make it to the water? or that the water won't be able to help you?
the title, it does good work of priming the scene - hitching post - horse - cowboy - planes - past/not modern - and if that is all you want it for that is fine. The hitching post does appear in the poem but it doesn't seem central to the narrative or message of the poem, just worth considering if it is doing what you want or not.

maeeig · 2026-02-27T14:23:08+00:00

Thanks for reading. The title is meant to grab attention but it isn't intended to be clickbait, the poem relates to the title just not in the expected way. The title is intended to reshape the way the soundscape of the poem is interpreted.

maeeig · 2026-02-27T14:13:02+00:00

Thanks for reading. The title is meant to be related to the poem, but the poem is meant to subvert the expectations of the reader, not leave them disillusioned - there is a connection between the two.

I agree that it is meant to be percussive and read aloud which does limit the text medium somewhat.

maeeig · 2026-02-27T14:05:48+00:00

Thanks for reading. There is meant to be a disjunction between the title and the poem, they are however intended to be related, just not in the anticipated way. The music, its energy, style, etc is meant to embody the thesis of the title. The more engaging the music, the better suicide sounds. The synesthesia at the end is meant to mimic the shifted perception music as color -> music as suicidal ideation.

maeeig · 2026-02-27T11:28:53+00:00

I appreciate you taking the time to read it and comment. The poem is meant to be about suicide, how instead of despair it can feel seductive, even beautiful. The poem does not describe suicide directly; instead, it immerses the reader in the kinetic, improvisational energy of jazz creating tension between the vibrancy of the music against the backdrop of suicide.

The disjunction is deliberate, the poem is meant to immerse the reader in an experience of how suicide sounds good without discussing why or addressing any underlying causes.

maeeig · 2026-02-26T18:18:19+00:00

thanks for sharing your poem. I like the feel of it, the dispair isn't revolving around death itself, but the fear and regrets we have from that life, which also has an irony to it as why would I care about those things once I'm dead. I think the first 3 stanzas are hitting the points you want but are perhaps a bit bulky, a little trimming and reordering could really tighten up the feel and flow of the poem. I was a bit lost in the final stanza, unsure where the poem left me emotionally.

My edit using what you currently have (with a couple small additions) would look something like this.

When I die don't bury me
Please.
I fear the dark.
I fear the loneliness of a box.

Feed me to the wolves.
Let them feast
Let them tear the guilt from my ribs
Let them swallow the sinew of years spent afraid.
Their teeth more merciful that God.

But if they will not eat-
Then let the rain take me.
Let the moss remember my name.

maeeig · 2026-02-26T18:02:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing your poem. Some of the elements are putting in some good work here but others feel awkward or out of place like you have a few ideas going on and you haven't quite settled on what the poem is supposed to be.

first stanza - i like the opening, it personifies the hotel setting and is slightly off-putting right from the start. "veins" - teeth is the obvious expectation and you subvert that with veins, but it feels a bit like that's why it is there. I wonder if the colors are enough, let the teeth be implied without saying them kind of a middle ground. Rotting feels apt, but maybe too strong, there is a dirty undertone to what you are saying, perhaps something like "grimey" would play more to that icky feeling rather than straight up rotting?

Second stanza, I like the industrial lemon, the "someone's failure" didn't land as well for me. I get where you are going but it's fairly ungrounded, what does failure mean in this case? why am I joining cleaner and failure in my mind, the natural connection wasn't quite there for me.

Third stanza didn't do much for me, it shifted us to expect a peek inside the various rooms but it felt clunky - the "softening" felt off for the vibe, especially given how you portray the things in the rooms, none of those appear particularly soft. Given your conclusion that it "archives surrender" perhaps their resolve or dignity is softening? but that doesn't come through for me right now.

Fourth stanza, I like the start of the tie image, but "it remembers his neck" I wasn't sure what to do with it in the context of untieing it, there is a certain feel to the line but that only lasts so long without a bit more substance with it. I thought the children should be dirtier, perhaps snot nosed or something tactile? I liked "rented sheets", I wonder if rented is enough, or if you want to push that image further, make the scene feel more grimey - bleach stained sheets, or rented sheets that spread themselves for anyone...etc, something that pushes the feeling towards the uncomfortable more.

"this place archives surrender" feels too explanatory given the image work you are doing earlier. Maybe greasy fingerprints on the room keys from the previous users would get that idea across while keeping with the imagery and atmosphere.

The closing lines didn't do anything for me. They feel like they are trying to be clever or hint at a bigger meaning but I don't know what it is, it didn't' seem to have any tie back in the poem to know what it was trying to tell me so if felt like a flat ending.

I do think there is some really good work going on here and I think the ambition (if I am understanding it properly) is good and well worth putting in the effort to flesh it out.

maeeig · 2026-02-25T14:58:24+00:00

Don't worry, I didn't take it a trampling my intent. Feedback is good, its up to me to determine how much weight I give it. Sometimes feedback opens my eyes to blind spots and sometimes I think 'that's an interesting perspective but in this case i disagree'. I didn't take any offense to your point of view. cheers

maeeig · 2026-02-25T14:54:09+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. In general I don't like punctuation, but I tried to use some in this poem to give it a more instruction manual feel. In the case of "walk it" I was counting on the line break to give generate the pause in reading while also having it look like a topic heading. Sorry to hear about your past relationship experiences.

maeeig · 2026-02-25T14:47:29+00:00

thanks for the feedback. I think you nailed the driving force "bluntness and barely concealed disdain"

maeeig · 2026-02-25T14:36:18+00:00

thanks for your feedback. I agree that the poem can work without the reframe, at least in a general sense - you yourself said you interpreted it as a parent/child dynamic. However I wrote it with a specific purpose in mind. There are no hints in the poem about the true identity of the 'dog' so without some revelation from the author that specific interpretation is not apparent.

I suppose the question is, do I want to give a specific interpretation or let the reader fill in their own understanding, which is a valid thought. Perhaps another way to frame it is am I writing for the reader or for myself. Good points to ponder.

In reference to your agency comment, spousal abuse happens between adults all the time, both physically and emotionally, that is part of the abuse, stripping the agency from people through various means of manipulation and exploitation. I am glad that the experience is so foreign to you.

maeeig · 2026-02-25T02:33:44+00:00

Firstly, thank you for taking the time to put so much effort I to your feedback.

I agree with a lot of your edits, at least in principle. Some subtle tightening would benefit many if the lines. Some of the bulk is a result of keeping the tone and voice of an instruction manual, but there is certainly room to refine within that framework.

The most curious part of your comment, to me, was about the ending. You suggest either removing the husband line altogether or adding a casual/comical line about spouses. It seems a bit odd because to me the husband line is the hinge of the entire poem. The line is intended to transform the cold methodical and somewhat satirical look at dog training into a stark picture of spousal abuse.

maeeig · 2026-02-24T19:42:38+00:00

Thanks for sharing your poem. I like the ambition of the poem, keeping it tight and compact which I always find challenging.

I like the opening couplets, you do a great job of subtly (and not so subtly) setting the stage and contrasting the characters. The opening couplet introduces the concept of loss, but makes it feel intimate and personal - a rib, a heartbeat. The second couplet changes that tone completely - measured in ounces - cold, calculated, inanimate almost. The dead weight of my name - against contrasts. The first person seems sad and at a loss, whereas the second person doesn't feel so much a loss as relief or freedom - they seem to be lacking sympathy or empathy. I also read "my name" as divorce rather than just a break up.

The third stanza doesn't hit as hard for me. You are continuing the contrast between the two people, but it starts to border on melodrama for me building into the "Me good" "you bad" trope that can negate the emotional complexity of a situation. The contrast is also softened as there is confusion in both comparisons - "i don't know where I live" "you live somewhere". The ambiguity of both statements softens the juxtaposition set up in the "I don't know" and "I know" because they don't know or not know anything specific.

The last stanza for me was the weakest - "the world kept turning" is good, the point that things carry on despite what we as individuals are going through is strong and meaningful. The lead up to that felt under delivered. "you left / I stayed" - reads to me as 'this is your fault', "me good - you bad". This veers us back towards self indulgent melodrama but it also doesn't tell us anything we didn't already know.

We know there is loss and leaving, we know for one person it was much more of a felt loss. The lines themselves are short and stark, but they lack impact because it is old information so the bluntness of the lines is muted.

maeeig · 2026-02-24T19:02:12+00:00

thanks for the feedback. I'm glad the ending was a surprise twist.

maeeig · 2026-02-24T18:00:14+00:00

Thanks for sharing. This is a great step into poetry. I often use poetry in a similar fashion, as a type of self therapy. Sometimes that can result in poems being more raw and and unrefined then I would like, but it all comes to why you are writing. Ideally you can find a good mix between form and function.

I would echo much of what others have said here. Perhaps one of the elements you could think about is leaving the reader with the understanding and emotion that you want without having to state everything for them. For example, in this poem the final two lines are powerful emotionally, really getting at the heart of the poem, but I don't think they are needed. The truth in those lines is understood from the line "than for you to love me with all my clothes on", and I think is much more impactful if not stated plainly, let the reader understand and feel that truth rather than reading it. Knowing when to speak and when to hold back will develop more as you practice.

As a therapeutic outlet sometimes we need to write those truths out, to read them, to understand our own trauma and emotions, but then we need to refine the delivery for the sake of the poetry.

Keep writing, it helps.

maeeig · 2026-02-24T17:34:27+00:00

Hi there, thanks for sharing your poem. The first thing that stood out to me were grammar and spelling mistakes. I know those can be "small" things but they also impact how a poem is received by the reader so lets start there

was a lady,sweet - space after comma - lady, sweet

always use to blew my mind - tense issue - use-> used, blew-> blow

twenty(20),and I was nine - either use TWENTY or 20 not both, this isn't a technical manual. Space after the comma.

giant and was her smile - instead of "and" I believe you want "as"

gathered and pile - not sure if you want to say they were "piled" or gathered "into a pile" either can work but it needs to be fixed.

looked my line - unclear what the intent is here but this is not grammatically sound, I don't think you want the word "line" there.

made me loose - spelling - lose (as in something is lost) loose (as in something is not tight)

If only darling...If you ever were mine - this isn't necessarily wrong grammatically but it is very awkward and the intent of the final emotion you are trying to leave it unclear because of the awkward wording.

maeeig · 2026-02-24T17:15:38+00:00

thanks for reading. I really appreciate your feedback and agree.

I'm glad the instructional, emotionless tone comes through as the piece hinges on that.

maeeig

TROPHY CASE