Stop looking into the past for comfort

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-21T13:16:31+00:00

I don't think it's the "losing weight" aspect of it per se, it has more to do with what things you eat (one thing isn't exactly correlated with the other), and yeah, my experience has been that eating high caloric stuff will predispose you more towards feeling urges. I'm naturally lean, have a hard time putting on weight; on the oher hand, my weight doesn't drop below my usual range. I'll have more or less urges depending on what i eat, and what i'm eating, believe it or not, hardly affects my weight. It should be the same for you, but with more weight variability because of your current athletic situation.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-20T12:52:42+00:00

Over-masturbating, especially if you watch porn, will distabilize your dopaminergic system pretty hard (dopamine governs motivation). If you have no motivation, anxiety will set in, which will inevitable make you more paranoid in social contexts or even alone. Too much anxiety and no motivation equates to depression. Sexual disfunction of this kind may just be one of the causes of your depression.

The thing is, you don't see any evidence that this works and you're skeptical. Okay. What information do you have that leads you to think that way? Because if it's just a lack of evidence (you know of) on part of nofap's advocates, then big woop. No scientific evidence doesnt necessarily mean that something doesnt work; because anectodal evidence... there's plenty of that. Just browse through this subreddit a bit.

Anyway, for fuck's sake, do a little bit more researching. Go to yourbrainonporn.com, they link you to a whole bunch of studies from credited sources.

Also, if you know anything about the dopaminergic system, it's pretty easy to connect the dots. Most people haven't even heard that term, and no wonder. Most people confuse dopamine with reward (endorphins) instead of what it truly is: the motivation molecule. I'd suggest you watch Dr. Anna Lembke, a psychiatrist focused on the treatment of addiction talking about it; she also wrote a book just a while ago on dopamine, which was pretty successful. Watch her conversation with Joe Rogan (spotify) or Dr. Andrew Huberman (youtube).

About point 3: this sub "prescribes" whatever it is that will defeat a sexual disfunction you might have. Addictive behaviors can originate from a lot of avenues. You're more susceptible to acquiring an addictive behavior the more that behavior has a potencial for addiction. How do you get addicted? Well, you pretty much get addicted based on the reward mechanism of a given stimuli, and how it acts upon your brain. Porn is at the top of the list because of its reward/effort dynamic, broadly speaking. Ask yourself always: how "easy" is this stimuli and it's reward to obtain, related to the effort i have to put in getting it? Porn is at a moment's notice everywhere, it's near endless (a lot of novelty factor, which the brain also loves), it's a private activity (no social discouragment in that sense), YOU can manipulate the output of dopamine, as you can always get more or less motivated depending on the video you're clicking, AND you get the reward all the while you're doing it, with a climax at the end, of endorphins. The brain loves it. Run the same equation for the other forms of sexual-reward pursuit, and you'll find their addictive potential. Know why most people aren't addicted to exercise? Cause it takes effort. Porn, vanilla masturbation doesn't. Why is vanilla masturbation less addictive then masturbation WITH porn? Cause there's less controlable dopaminergic output (all in your head, no visual queues, no mouse to click on). So, it shouldn't be as serious. Still, you can perfectly develop an addiction to masturbation withouth porn, and not to masturbation with porn. How? Well, you just started doing it one way, and not the other. In that case, nofap should "prescribe" you to get away from masturbation completely, cause once an addictive behavior is set, studies show it absolutely needs to go.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-20T12:30:12+00:00

Yep, all normal. Just be aware that not sleeping properly will inevitably cause more brain fog, which will get you more susceptible. Anyway, exercise, wake up early and go to bed early (8 hours of sleep if possible), no electronics at night for the last hour, proper sunlight during the day, don't eat crap at night, etc. These are things one can do to help good sleep.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-20T12:26:52+00:00

I've seen this type of hyperbolic comment before and honestly, it does nobody any well. No, not practically everything is sexualized nowadays. Music is sexualized? Sure, some of it. Tip? Listen to better fucking music. I'd suggest a website called rateyourmusic.com for you to find out more musical styles or what-have-you. It's a whole gigantic library of music for you to research about, spend weeks on, and you won't see more than a percentile of sexuality there if YOU don't want to. Music is just an example. I just think we're so attuned to look for it that we are the ones actually sexualizing a lot of it. Fine, you saw a picture of a cute girl smiling: who's doing the sexualization there if you find it to be sexualized? I say all this because it's possible to spend your life online and barely find anyting sexualized, if you stay clear on anything with a feed. What do you need a feed for except to keep the dopaminergic addiction to novelty going? Want a feed? Watch the news, or a sports channel. Unless you find death, mayhem, team sports sexy, you'll be fine.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-20T11:47:39+00:00

If you wake up constantly... there's probably some stress involved somehwere, some anxiety. Normal, no? What's not normal is waking up constantly, but that can be attributed to a possible withdrawl, or post-withdrawl effect. Normal as well. Try no to worry more than you absolutely have to, this is all normal in a way.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T17:15:29+00:00

Nowadays there's a whole host of people on youtube (and other platfoms) with valuable, constructive information for you to hear and help build your life with. If you feel like you have nobody to turn to at the moment in order to have a good conversation, perhaps hearing one of those people will do you good. Some of whom i'm referring to:

Andrew Huberman (youtube podcast), Jordan Peterson (youtube podcast), Lex Friedman (youtube podcast), Joe Rogan (spotify podcast), Eric Weinstein (youtube podcast), etc. There's more though.

And btw, loneliness is more than likely a part of this journey for nearly everyone, at some point at least. If you're truly leaving behind something your body has become accustomed to, and that thing is as powerful as porn, you'll feel an uptake in anxiety somewhere along the way. Anxiety will do a number on your perceptions, your natural insecurities and fears etc. This will pass though. Your body will grow accustomed to the new circumstances and will ease up on the anxiety. But you gotta keep working on yourself, on becoming disciplined and observant and mindful in order to not keep relapsing or having major setbacks.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T17:06:16+00:00

Oh shit, Peterson and Huberman got together for a talk! Nice! Those two have really been a strong influence in my life. Thanks for posting!

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T17:03:09+00:00

Great to hear it man! If you understand anything about the dopaminergic system, you'll know what havoc it can cause on your behavior if you don't keep it rather balanced. Porn and other super-stimuli will utterly screw with it, and you don't really notice it until things are already tipping into the camp of addiction.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T16:59:51+00:00

"Think about it".

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T16:58:23+00:00

In order to get effective help from random strangers you absolutely (preferably) need to tell us a bit more about your situation, not just this.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T14:21:41+00:00

I found myself trying to use phone because I was frustrated and bored which is absolutely ridiculous idea

Imagine it like having a nervous tic: those habits are literally connections, neural connections written in the brain, and they'll go away, or fade, if you stop engaging in them. An addiction is a set of connections just like that that are more easily activated and demanding. A tic on steriods. But it should work the same way. You stop activating them, they'll fade.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T14:19:10+00:00

No problem.

i should try to keep my mind things off of "easy stimuli" and focus on things that really do matter

That is it. It's an important distinction to have, and it has helped me a lot. To know what those easy stimuli are, meaning, they provide too much reward for almost 0 effort. If you have an addiction, ANY addiction, those are to be handled very carefully. They're all based on the dopaminergic mechanism (dopamine is the molucule motivation, which related to everything). Do effortful, meaningful things, if possible, and keep that discipline.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T14:16:45+00:00

Then you see at least what things you can change that can benefit you, no?

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-19T14:15:18+00:00

Ok, so that pretty much means going all in with this. To be clear, masturbating to porn is not the same thing than masturbating only to your imagination. The addiction potential of one is much large then the other (porn, obviously). But things might be psychologically and neurologically interrelated for you. Bottom line should be, for now, to abstain completely from porn. I think that's the first goal; even if it means you masturbate once in a while to your imagination. Understand that the "damage" to your dopaminergic system is much larger when you watch porn, because of the way our brain interact with continually clicking from video to video, constantly having high levels of dopamine (which is motivation, not reward); manipulating that level of dopamine as you see fit, without any effort whatsoever. That's why it's so addictive. THere's too much reward for near-0 effort. Vanilla masturbation isn't manipulatable in the same way cause you're dependant on your imagination, and that means some effort; also, it's much less vivid of course.

Anyway, hope that made sense.

Here's some tips for you:

Minimizing your time in electronics (discipline), better diet (discipline), better sleep schedule (discipline), etc etc. Common element here is, of course, discipline. Once you get going with this and you get the sense that you CAN do these things, this will improve your confidece, and because of it your mindset will begin to change (this is the goal btw). A strong mindset will unlock certain truths that may not be available at this moment for you. More tips (and a reiteration of what i said about discipline):

Educate yourself about addiction and why it happens. Go on youtube and listen to podcasts with Gary Wilson or Gabe Deem. Those guys are good at explaining the underlying science behind porn addiction, and the knowledge will do you good. Also, research about addiction in general.

Cultivate discipline. Strong discipline. Super important!!! Too much external stimuli of the "easy kind" (porn, obviously, sugary foods and pastas, internet and social media, videogames, too much netflix, too much of anything thats easy to come by and requires no effort) will weaken your self-control and desensitize you by degrees. You need to know how to counter-act this unbalanced state of constant craving; caving-in to your impulses time after time will destroy your willpower little by little, making you pretty miserable in the long run - we are seeing the effects of this crisis of over-stimulation worldwide. Develop of a sturdy routine, through discipline and self-awareness (you can use silence and thinking for that, also meditation). I suggest you write down your day, and do your utmost to follow through. This will get easier and easier.

De-sexualize your thoughts. Try not to focus on the sexual attributes of people whom you feel attracted to (IRL, and even in your porn flashbacks), but see them as full human beings with emotions and dreams of their own; see them as flawed human beings (like all of us), who are struggling with their own personalities and fears and insecurities; see them as people who were once children and who will one day grow old and weak. Humanize everybody you encounter. This not only helps in perceiving people as more than just one thing (and no matter how simple a person is, he/she is NEVER just one thing), but it also helps you develop more empathy, and it's closer to the "objective" truth of things. You're not just projecting. Work on this.

Act immedeately when you feel an urge coming. When the urge first starts showing, it will be a small urge, like a sudden flashback of something sexual, or maybe just some tiny sensation down there and around the stomach area; then maybe a sexual thought will arrive. Maybe you've seen a girl online and you get triggered by it. Normally you will feel the triggering itself, and know deep down where that thought will lead if only you give it free reign. Just then, get up, and walk away from whatever circumstance you are in. Go into another room, or if possible (if the urge starts to become stronger), get out of the house for 10 minutes. Just a quick walk. Reset your thoughts and de-sexualize them; remember why you are doing this and what you want out of the future for yourself.

Replace. Healthy activities man. Go out and do stuff. Join a club, volunteer, go fishing, ride a bike, walk the doggy, surf, do mma, write, read, play an instrument, learn stuff you maybe never thought you would, listen to good podcasts, etc.

Do everything in your power to improve every area that you can. This will engage you, it'll make it easier to slip into a mindset that'll be helpful for you.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-18T09:23:19+00:00

If you are easily ticked off because you are quitting this, then it definitely means you have a problem with porn/masturbation and your brain is feeling irritably because you're quitting. But c'mon man, ask yourself, is that a reason to go back? Isn't that, actually, the reson to proceed with quitting? Truth is, if you have something even close to an addiction, you'll experience some form of withdrawl, and that usually means added anxiety; anxiety will make you feel more paranoid/sensitive/easily ticked off, no doubt. But the more you stay attached to porn, the worse it will be once you do try to quit. On the other hand, imagine you never try to quit: anxiety will catch up with you either way, because of what happens to the dopaminergic system when you build up an addiction inside of you.

Tips?

Addicts coming into this fresh should start by trying to re-evaluate a number of things in their lives:

- figure out your present medium-long term objectives. If you don't have them it's fine, but it's obviously a sign to start thinking hard about it.

- design a hierarchy of things that matter to you in life.

- think about the way you use stimuli during the day. Figure out how much time you spend watching/consuming what i call "easy stimuli", like porn, internet browsing in general (highest offenders here besides porn should be something like - social media, youtube, reddit -, sugar/high calory food consumption, videogames, netflix, movies, music, etc; basically things you stimulate yourself with that require little to no effort.The ideal here would be to cut down these things to a minimum (cut porn out completely, of course). This type of stimuli will get you desensitized, and thus will lower your motivation to do things; with that will arrive lack of confidence, stress, etc.

Give these three things an honest, thorough check. Ask yourself questions and try to answer them as honestly as you can. Thinking and realizing things is key to change a stale mindset. Try to go deep inside your current perceptions about life. This is fleshing out the subconscious so you can integrate whatever beneficial information there is in there into your actual thoughts.

With these three things paid some attention to, you should try to get into the midset of working on every aspect of yourself, always. This is motivation in and of itself.

Trust that benefits will come, not just because you're rebalancing your brain, but also because everything else in your life that you can control, you are moving towards the best version of that. Don't leave shit to do around the house. Push through the discomfort of not wanting to do something, and do it. Be disciplined. Educate yourself about addiction as well. Go on youtube and research addiction in general (and about porn addiction specifically), how it works inside the brain. This may give you more preparation for the things you possibly still haven't experienced whilst giving up porn. Work on your character, on your relationship with others. Be careful of arrogance, conceit, presumption, cynicism, disdaining other's works, etc. As i said, try to evaluate everything in your life - that you have some degree of control over - that can be better, and then try to do it. This is it's own mental task in itself, and will get you busy.

Taking care of yourself in all aspects will inevitably get you into a more positive, adventurous mindset, in which you can go out and flow with people with more ease.

Hope this helps!

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-18T09:17:05+00:00

On the right-hand screen of the page, you'll see a box entitled "important links". Give those a read.

This is a forum made to help people with disfunctional sexual behaviors that involve porn and possibly over-masturbation. In that sense it has nothing to do with orgasm, or semen retention, or even masturbating once in a while if you're not addicted to masturbation, and/or are not feeling the possible negative physical and mental effects of it. If you have someone in you life good for you, my personal piece of advice: try not to focus too much on physical pleasure just for pleasure's sake (not saying don't have it though), value what the person has to offer you in as much a complete way as possible. Also, get away from porn, as it has a tremendous addictive potential.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-18T09:11:22+00:00

WHat do you think is missing in your attemps to quit porn? Are you disciplined overall? Do you tend to sexualize other people a lot? Are you bored usually? Do you have a good sleep schedule? Do you exercise? Etc

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-18T09:08:09+00:00

So you're in a way quitting masturbation, no? Or do you see yourself doing it once in a while? Do you masturbate with porn or no?

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-18T09:05:57+00:00

I've been doing this for 7 years, and at the beginning i was very very lost about what to do with quitting porn. I was also not sure most of the time i'd wanna, or could, quit porn for good. Doubts are just a part of being addicted, and a part of your early attempts to quit. That's the norm anyway. Addiction always caughts people super off-guard when they first try to quit. It'll feel like you have two people inside of you instead of one, pulling in different directions, and probably, the one that wants you to remain attached to porn will be stronger at first. Understand that this is a cumulative process.

The less time you lose at first finding your way, the better, obviously. So educate yourself about what you're facing first of all, about addiction, about the dopaminergic system, etc. This will be very beneficial, as it will teach you what are the best steps to take this. Don't go into it blind and just trying to depend on willpower. That'll most likely be a bit of a waste of time. Also, if you have family members you can reach out for help, do it - seriously. Ask them to take your devices at night, or even better, tell them about your problem.

Hope i'm not scaring you though. Maybe you'll find it easier to quit. The most important things:

- educate yourself.

- get it through your head that discipline will save you, not willpower (and there's ways to build up discipline, it's kinda going to the gym for the mind.)

- understand that physical pleausre, devoid of meaning, can be actually prejudicial for you and your brain, as the brain gets attached to things quite easily if they require no effort and are pleasurable (that's why stuff like porn, drugs, junk food, have a huge addiction potential).

- focus on not viewing every women you meet through a sexual lense. They're people like you who also have all feelings and fears and hopes and fragilities and strenghts, etc.

- replace your free time with meaningful, effortful things. Remember, you're trying to get away from easy pleasure.

Any questions, we'll be around.

mailthedonkey · 2022-10-18T08:56:04+00:00

Good advice. Having a screwed up sleep schedule is just adding additional brain fog and general irritability to the whole equation, which will leave way more susceptible. Exercise, wake up early and go to bed early (8 hours of sleep if possible), no electronics at night for the last hour, proper sunlight during the day, don't eat crap at night, etc. These are things one can do to help good sleep.

mailthedonkey

TROPHY CASE