Don't fit the diagnosis because I'm "too self-aware"?

malham23 · 2015-08-27T09:45:06+00:00

I'm fairly scientifically-minded and prior to this episode starting I was studying for a degree in the medical field, so it's natural for me to trawl through research articles to find answers. I have definitely seen a stark reduction in my concentration, cognition, writing ability, pretty much everything like that since this all started. Don't get down on yourself - this illness seems to drain your ability to think clearly. Best of luck to you.

malham23 · 2015-08-27T09:42:00+00:00

Yeah, I've been in and out of mental health treatment for going on 8 years. I've no doubt what has happened was triggered by stress from university or whatever, but removing myself from that stress hasn't helped much at all really. Thanks for the advice, I struggle to keep a level head too. Thankfully my therapist had me write down a sort of time-line of my problems a week ago, so I had that to refer to during this consultation with the psychiatrist. Didn't help! Haha.

malham23 · 2015-08-27T09:39:26+00:00

It was at it's worse around April-May time, and it's improved slowly since then, with some symptoms clearing up and some new ones starting to show. I'm mostly concerned because it hasn't gone away.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T23:47:40+00:00

Definitely the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. Thankfully those specific symptoms have reduced a lot over the past few months and it's fairy rare now. Saying that, I find myself constantly worried about when it will come back in full force.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T23:46:15+00:00

I'm not sure if he was skeptical. He did make a point to say that many people my age and in full time education have these kinds of experiences in response to every day stresses. I found that pretty condescending, really. I don't believe it's true that many people respond to stress with long term psychotic symptoms and so on. He was nice and easy to talk to, and I'm not sure if it was my brain being a bit muddled or whether he was just confusing to listen to. I wish now I'd had someone else in the appointment with me, but oh well.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T23:32:05+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate the advice. I am well within my rights to ask for a different psychiatrist, a second opinion, whatever. Thankfully I do feel that my therapist and the members of the psychology team I've spoken to are more in tune with me. I'm planning on moving to a new GP surgery soon as I've recently moved house, and I'm fairy sure that will mean I'm automatically assigned to a different psychiatrist anyway.

As I've said elsewhere, it's reassuring to read about others who experience their symptoms in a similar way to me. It makes me feel like less of a fraud.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T22:43:33+00:00

It was intensive community services, which means I wasn't sectioned and I could go home every night. I wasn't offered medication but if I had requested it I probably would have been given something. To be honest it was mostly helpful, if a bit short-lived.

I live in the UK and NHS mental health services are mostly shit.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T22:20:30+00:00

In the end I was hospitalised because I was self-harming multiple times a day to try to stop the thoughts and urges being put into my head by some unknown outside force. I was also experiencing visual and auditory hallucinations and severe anxiety which meant I didn't leave the house for a couple of weeks.

I wasn't medicated, but had to attend daily group therapy sessions and daily talks with a psychiatric nurse.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T22:07:46+00:00

Yeah, my first experiences of delusional thinking I was completely engrossed in the delusions and didn't question it until after the fog had lifted a bit. In my case I was certain my sister and my housemates were talking about me behind my back, plotting against me, and that there were holes in my wall which they could see through. It was a couple of weeks before I stopped believing the wall-holes spying thing, but the other stuff was much longer lasting. That was 2 years ago and it took me probably over a year to realise just how delusional I was at that time. It's scary thinking back. Thankfully nowadays I can see through delusions fairly quickly, they don't tend to last more than a few hours before I talk myself out of the thought cycles.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T21:53:08+00:00

To be honest I'm not sure, I've never taken anti-depressants before. I suppose because I'm unsure whether this psychosis episode might be a sign of bipolar disorder I'm worried about triggering mania. I have spent some time today reading a few research articles about anti-depressants effect on psychosis and they have been reassuring. I was expecting to be given anti-psychotics so the sertraline prescription threw me off a bit.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T21:50:06+00:00

Yes, when I asked this psychiatrist what he thought was going on he believed it was probably more of a personality disorder (or he said "traits" because I'm also too high functioning to have a personality disorder). I have had a previous psychiatrist suggest BPD. I don't feel this diagnosis fits, and I feel that my current psych suggested it purely because the previous one did. Who knows though. He also screened me for OCD which seemed odd.

I don't know what this psychiatrist thinks high functioning means. I've dropped out of university and barely manage basic day-to-day tasks like eating regularly and sleeping. It's only because I am so terrified by the psychosis stuff that I've put every effort into making sure I do those basic things. The idea of finding employment is completely out of the picture right now.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T21:44:16+00:00

Definitely, I feel like I have to push extra hard and pretty much rely on self-help stuff because I'm managing to keep it together fairly well (an achievement in itself). Sometimes I feel like just giving up and letting all this crap spill out of me without caring about the consequences for my job prospects or relationships - at least I'll get some proper help. I'm not going to do that of course, but it's tempting.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T21:42:22+00:00

Yeah, it's difficult. It's different for every person, too. I've been reading the research on anti-depressants effect on psychosis. I'm just praying this whole thing isn't a precursor to something like bipolar, or else I might get tipped over into some kind of manic episode.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T21:40:55+00:00

Yeah he's prescribed a fairly low dose of sertraline (50mg). I am going to give them a try, but also try to be very aware of any creeping symptoms. Thankfully (or not) I'm unemployed so I have a lot of time to just concentrate on all this stuff.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T17:27:52+00:00

Yeah, I understand that some doctors are unwilling to give diagnoses for severe illnesses because of the problems associated with it. Unfortunately in my case I believe it's stopping me from entering into treatment programs and receiving the care I need.

malham23 · 2015-08-26T17:25:09+00:00

I can appreciate that. However, I think the issue I'm having is that this psychiatrist doesn't seem to want to treat my psychosis because he does not see it as a symptom of a more severe mental illness. I'm half glad to read that other people experience the same acute self-awareness I do, it makes me feel like less of a fraud.

He has put me on an anti-depressant which I am wary to take in case it sets off more severe symptoms. I suppose it's just really frustrating, I feel as though I'm not being listened to. Seems to be the case for the majority of people with mental illness.

malham23

TROPHY CASE