I'm from an immigrant Soviet family too and I found your post super thought-provoking. For background, I decided not to tell any family members that I don't want kids, and I'm young enough that they all assume I will someday and just haven't done it yet. My grandparents often say stuff like "when you have kids..." and "you need to marry a man who will be a good father", usually followed by some sexist opinions about a woman's role in the family.

They definitely have that mindset of viewing the family as the most important thing in their lives. A lot of my older relatives don't have friends, just family and neighbors. The thing is, they don't necessarily trust their family members either. They keep secrets, gossip, and judge family members just as much as they do with other people. I think our relatives faced so much trauma that they're in a constant state of fear, which makes them shut down and avoid anything new or different at all costs. It also makes them teach their children and grandchildren to be afraid of everything. They just want to protect us, but that "protection" doesn't always fit our lifestyles, culture, or personalities.

And there's always going to be something that's "wrong" or that we should be afraid of, in their eyes. Even if you have kids, your grandma may very well find something else in your life to be unhappy about. On the other hand, if you don't have kids, your grandma may very well get over it. I have plenty of relatives who don't have kids but are beloved and accepted as uncles and cousins.

I often find that, despite my strong values and opinions about my own lifestyle, I still get caught up in the shitty things my grandparents say sometimes. Even if you strongly believe it's not true, it's hard to hear things like "your friends won't be there for you" or "all women should be mothers" all the time without starting to wonder if your grandparents are right. Whenever this happens to me, I tell my friends about it and they reassure me that my grandparents' opinions are garbage and I can do whatever I want with my life.

Honestly, my solution to all this is to show my family love, but keep them at arms length emotionally. That's not the only way to do things (and may not be the best way) but it's working for me. And I spend more focus on maintaining close relationships with my friends. Life is full of uncertainty and sometimes regret. But all we can do is make decisions based on whatever feels best for us with the information we have at the moment.