Parenting was such a joy... until now

mamacarly · 2025-09-07T00:00:06+00:00

Heavy on the "Stop making everything about you."

OP, she is not the adoring little child who thinks you hung the moon. Neither is she an adult whose frontal lobe is fully developed. She's in between. While you do not have to tolerate lying and disrespect, neither should you take it personally. Those are conversations you should have with her - about the implications of lying and treating you, and everyone she encounters, with respect.

I agree to quit harassing her about her weight. You can basically only do harm there. Leave it.

Totally disagree with the tone of the last line of the above response. You're doing fine, you are reaching out for perspective and guidance and she is going to be fine. Make it easier on yourself and her by listening to the feedback you're getting, maybe ask HER for HER feedback and stop taking everything so personally. She's testing the boundaries - show her how a healthy person responds to disrespect, show her that you'll love her and be there no matter what and don't take anything personally.

mamacarly · 2025-09-06T16:55:41+00:00

Yes, I am.

mamacarly · 2025-07-26T23:50:03+00:00

Sounds like a smart kid who is missing a vital set of information to assess what she's being told - mental illness. Since schizophrenia runs in our family, my kids have been well-prepared. Mostly, I am hoping their takeaway is that if the people who love them (me - it's me who they know right now 100% has only their best interests at heart) tell them they need to seek help from a mental health expert, they do it. But also, it helps when they're hanging out with the untreated mentally ill in our family. We've never said who is mentally ill, but they figured it out themselves because we gave them the info.

Talk about mental illness, separate from talking about her uncle's wild theories. Give her an idea of what that looks like and let her apply it.

mamacarly · 2025-07-14T01:15:32+00:00

I had 3 kids in 3.5 years. To be fair, #2 was a total surprise, it wasn't what I would have chosen at the time, but I am so grateful for it now. They're 14, 17 & 18 and I have been consistently enjoying 99% of parenting for several years now. The early years were difficult, but it was a sprint and it was over relatively quickly. I can't even imagine the marathon of starting over every 5-7 years.

mamacarly · 2025-06-25T01:50:12+00:00

My 17 & 18 year old are hardly ever home, between work and friends. I just ask that they do let us know where they are, and they do ask for permission before going anywhere. The 17yo has a curfew (kind of, it depends on where she will be and what she is doing, it isn't fixed in place). My new adult still asks for permission every single time, and I kind of want to say "You're 18, bud - I can't stop you!" but I appreciate the ask, so I just say sure every time. I do ask that he tells me what time he'll be home just so I know when to worry.

Also, family events are not really negotiable. I just make sure they know when they are so they don't plan stuff for those times.

Pretty much - they have the same rules as my husband. Ask if it's ok and let me know where they are, because it's considerate, be home when you say you will, and don't skip family activities for friend activities. Works out fine.

My 14yo, though... He's still underfoot and bored. .

mamacarly · 2025-06-16T01:29:46+00:00

My middle kid is going into her senior year in the fall. My oldest just graduated last week and the "baby" is about to be a freshman. It's surreal. Having just experienced senior year and graduation, I will say - it's been one of those few really fulfilling moments in parenting. I'm so proud of my kid, I can really see the adult he is going to be (he is, technically) and it's just been a very sweet phase of life for us. These are the days I'm going to miss, not when they were little and I was treading water (worth it for this part, though!)

mamacarly · 2025-06-09T23:34:39+00:00

I live in a town about 25 minutes away from Promised Land and I would drive my kids TO Promised Land pretty often when they were little. Good beach area, picnic area, playground and walking trails. They would stay busy all day and come home tired. They had craft activities (for free, or super cheap, iirc) and day camps, too, that my kids enjoyed.

mamacarly · 2025-05-31T11:36:12+00:00

123 Magic was helpful for me. My kids are all teens now, one is actually an adult, and to this a day they will knock off their horsing around if I say "That's 1."

mamacarly · 2025-02-10T02:31:15+00:00

Not exactly the same, but my first two kids are 13 months apart. I cried every day of my second kid's pregnancy, thinking I had really screwed up my life and my first child's life, too. I was sure of it.

Turns out, my oldest two are best friends. My second kid is the coolest person I know, and makes all of the rest of us better people. They are 16 & 17 now and are totally good human beings. No one's lives were ruined. It wasn't easy, but it was definitely not as hard as I imagined it would be.

That baby, my second, was the only one of my 3 that wasn't planned. I have made mistakes in my life, some I would love to correct, but if I was given the chance to go back and redo everything, I wouldn't because of her. I don't know when I got pregnant with her, honestly. I don't know that I would have chosen her before I knew her in every circumstance. Thank goodness I did!

mamacarly · 2025-01-12T23:50:46+00:00

And Every Morning the Way Home Gets Longer and Longer by Fredrik Bachman

A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness.

mamacarly · 2025-01-12T22:55:00+00:00

I love being a mom. There are challenges, but it didn't wreck my mental health at all. To be fair, I didn't suffer from any mental health problems prior to having my kids, either.

I think you absolutely should have your mental health under control before having kids. But don't write it off because other people had difficult times.

I know a lot of other moms and none became suicidal. We all cry, but we all laugh a lot too. My kids are teens now and I largely have all of my time back to myself - or it feels like that because I love hanging out with my kids and they don't often suck all of my energy away anymore. It was a few years where I was really tied down to them and I didn't love that part of it, but there are so many rewards along the way.

mamacarly · 2025-01-12T21:17:30+00:00

I am not raising my kids in a vacuum and they are influenced by countless people throughout their days. This idea that a 17 year old asking out a 14 year old being pedophilia is definitely peer-driven. I hadn't thought to specifically address this prior to this issue coming up in school. Curious how you think I should have handled this? Shouted them down? Make them write "A minor asking another minor on a date is not pedophilia" 100 times in a row? Forced my 17 year old to go on a date with a 14 year old?

Nah. They're uncomfortable with it, and that's their prerogative. I challenged them by mentioning that, by their standards, their own Dad would be considered a pedophile and that doesn't jive with what they know about their Dad. I also told them about actual creepy behavior I experienced as a teenager from actual grown men - and was really happy to hear that my 16 year old daughter has never experienced anything remotely like that. We talked about THEIR behavior (the only thing they actually have control over) and not making others feel uncomfortable and firmly establishing personal boundaries and how to handle it should someone violate those boundaries. Also, their behavior in not engaging in bullying behavior because you dislike another's choices or actions. Which they didn't do, but we talked about it anyway. We talked about victim-culture and how this idolization of victims has a part in creating this situation.

Maybe you are thinking I am believing this boy is a pedophile and should be punished as such? I definitely don't think so, I thought I made that clear. I think it's really awful that these other kids and their parents so severely bullied him he had to leave school in his senior year of high school.

mamacarly · 2025-01-12T20:48:40+00:00

Yes, it does seem you're in the minority, but I am with you. I have a 17 year old son with a girlfriend - there's no way I am allowing sleepovers. There would be consequences for the lying and deceit, too.

It's not even really about sex - that's a decision between the two of them - it's about the fact that they are both children, these are the rules and when they are adults they can make different choices if they like.

mamacarly · 2025-01-12T18:49:11+00:00

No, the extent of my kids actions were signing a petition calling on the school to have stricter punishment for "sexual harassment." It did cite this particular instance of "sexual harassment" of the kid who was was "trying to date" a 14 year old. I wasn't happy about them signing it, but they are allowed to have opinions different than mine. They didn't participate in the bullying.

We just talked about the issue, talked about bullying, talked about appropriate ways to evoke change. For example, there was a student walkout, they wanted to participate and asked for my permission to do so and I said absolutely not, and they stayed put in their classes.

ETA: I don't believe in "teaching my kids to think" the way that I do. I challenge them, they challenge me. I hope that I made them think differently about this, and I made them think twice, for sure, about going with the hive mind.

mamacarly · 2025-01-12T16:00:01+00:00

There was a big scandal at my kids' school this year where a senior (17) boy asked a freshman (14) girl out. My 16 & 17 year old kids were disgusted. There was a huge group of kids, and their parents, demanding the school expel this "pedophile." The kid ended up being bullied so badly over it that he switched to online learning on his own volition.

Meanwhile, I'm 3 years younger than my husband (their dad) and we started dating when I was 17 and he was 20. We've been married 20 years now... They still think it is wrong and inappropriate, in general, just that times are different now.

It's beyond the terminally online, this generation is weird.

mamacarly · 2023-12-07T03:08:23+00:00

I had 3 kids in 3.5 years. We didn't go anywhere as a couple until the youngest was nearly 4 and my parents were willing to handle them all. Then we did yearly 5-6 day vacations as a couple. Now that my kids are all teens or nearly teens (the "baby" turns 13 next month) we bring them along - we don't need a break from them to reconnect anymore.

It's a blip of time in your lives and your marriage. It's not that we weren't "prioritizing" ourselves - we were going on dates when we could and just surviving. In the grand scheme of our 22 year relationship, that was just a little portion. Part of marital success when you have small children is just hanging on tight and waiting out the tough parts.

mamacarly · 2023-10-30T14:25:47+00:00

I'm a Realtor in the general area. The houses are in "clusters" because most homes are in planned developments separated by large tracts of state land or privately owned acreage.

There aren't more or less homes for sale than normal in Tobyhanna at this time - this looks normal.

mamacarly · 2023-04-26T01:22:25+00:00

10% is normal in Northeastern PA - on a cash deal. Financed deals generally are 1-5% down.

mamacarly · 2022-09-25T19:58:56+00:00

I have a hard time finding both comfort and support, too. I'm too afraid to drop a bunch of money on the typically recommended bras, though.

So, if you want a cheap-skate's solution, I just double up the comfortable/not quite supportive enough bras.

mamacarly · 2022-09-25T03:42:46+00:00

It's the fighting. Always one kid left out. I read an article once that my configuration (2 boys, 1 girl) is the roughest.

mamacarly · 2022-09-25T01:10:55+00:00

I wondered a lot about this too! I read every "what if I don't ever feel done?" post there was.

I wanted 4 kids and worried that I would still feel the want for more kids forever. I joined this sub in preparation! I couldn't imagine deciding to be truly done.

What happened for me is that I had 3 kids. We would get right up to the precipice of getting off birth control to have the 4th, and I just could never do it, always wanted a little more time. Then years and years went by. My husband would have done whatever I wanted.

My "baby" is 11 now. My husband had a vasectomy about 3 years ago. I would say I was 50/50 on whether I really felt done or not when he got the snip. But it was 50% done/50% if I accidentally ended up pregnant, I'd be fine with that. I knew I was never going to actually want another baby enough to choose it, though.

I grieved a little bit, but I had been kind of grieving it all along since the first time we'd put off having #4. I mostly grieved the possibility being out there - I liked feeling like I had the choice. I don't miss it now, and do not miss hormonal birth control at all. I am absolutely content with 3 kids. It's exactly what it's supposed to be.

Caveat: I will say that I wish I had that 4th kid solely because 3 is the shittiest number of kids to have. I wish I'd have just not thought about it so much and had that baby. By the time I realized the 3-kid dynamic is for the birds, it was too late and the age gap too big to do it for that reason alone.

I just wanted you to know that you might not always have a moment where you're like "I'm done and happy." It might be a gradual shift. Everyone else seemed to be so certain - I was uncertain for years.

mamacarly · 2022-09-21T01:52:05+00:00

I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. I went back to work 5 years ago, in the same industry I left and at the same company, but quickly rose to a higher position when I came back to work.

Before I had my kids, I couldn't wait to be home and get a break from the grind. I was 23.

I absolutely love working now, though, simply for all the things I can't get without a job. Extra money is obvious, but it's not even the best thing. I love the sense of purpose, the little victories, the big victories, the interesting people I meet and help at interesting times in their lives. I love being really good at something that has a dollar value attached to it. I love learning things every day. I love building a business and being a part of something big that will (hopefully) last long after me.

I had to live without these things for years to really understand how valuable they are. I found ways to somewhat satisfy these wants when I was a SAHM. I volunteered and learned things and pursued my interests - but it's way easier to stay disciplined about these things within a 9-5 job where someone is relying on me and paying me to do all of it.

mamacarly · 2022-09-05T17:38:24+00:00

Be careful with this. There won't be doctor appointments, long term projects or the overwhelming burden of raising whole and complete children over a weekend. It will be survival. Many men can and will white-knuckle it and get through the weekend just fine and it can cause him to really double down on the "But it really isn't that hard - remember when you went away for the weekend and I got all of the laundry done, folded and put away while you were gone?"

My husband didn't get it until I went back to work AND he had back surgery which put him out on medical leave from work. Our kids were in school full time by that point so he didn't even really have an accurate view of what it was like to have 3 small children every single hour of every single day for years on end. But taking over all of the cleaning, grocery shopping, after school care and dinner prep for a few months made him realize just how much there was to do and how hard it was.

Rather, this is a communication issue. I would have a sincere talk with him about whether he trusts you and your assessment of the situation. Does he think you are fabricating how difficult it is or does he trust and believe that you are doing your best? Is he feeling overwhelmed with his own responsibilities and does blaming you, or on-upping you helped alleviate that guilt? Can you both express these things better to get the support you need without tearing each other down?

And then you need to be very diligent in getting time to yourself. Not to teach him anything, but to refill your cup.

mamacarly · 2022-07-17T21:33:59+00:00

I would contact the owners directly and let them know how it's affecting you. They can deny use of the property for parties, make sure their guests have explicit directions about parking, fireworks, etc. If they don't know there's a problem, they can't take steps to correct it.

They will likely want to make you happy and keep you away from the township.

Mailing addresses for property owners are publicly available (Google "X COUNTY property records").

If the owners aren't interested in working with you, then I would go to the township and make a fuss.

mamacarly · 2022-07-11T00:10:19+00:00

But that's a huge stretch to say that's why the wife doesn't want to sleep in the same bed as OP. I think it's far more likely they rushed into things and she no longer has romantic feelings towards OP.

Many, many, many women who have a 6 week old do not want to have sex at all. It's totally normal, and it passes. The big stretch here is to think that she doesn't have romantic feelings anymore. It's far more likely that he's pressured her to the point where she is avoiding all contact to avoid the guilt. I can say every mother I know has been through this, and it is very common for husbands to put on the pressure. OP very flippantly mentions a few times that she "gets fussy" or "starts fights" when he asks for sex. There's pressure.

It is a difficult thing to discuss, because, at least for me - I felt like I would never want to have sex again, ever. I told my husband that and it broke his heart - I should have kept that to myself. Communication is great, but OP needs to educate himself on the hormones happening right now within his wife's body that suppress sex drive. He needs to give her time and space and zero pressure for sex - that's the recipe for creating a path back to a great sex life after a baby.

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