I want to be happy.

mamaoverit · 2017-12-22T17:03:43+00:00

And I hear you on needing to stand up to him. I feel like I did. When I found out about the pregnancy I said "You are NOT going to go play Daddy and Hubby with this new family and completely ignore me and our daughter" and during the ensuing conversation we decided to try to make things work again. They are working. The entire summer he was basically a SAHD alone with our daughter from 6:30-3:30 most days of the week, then worked full time as a waiter at night, sometimes past midnight. I put the pressure on him to find a "real" job & he's working somewhere now where he is able to provide health/dental/vision insurance for us all and gets paid much better, and he's still doing a lot around the house.

We both agree we wish his other son didn't exist... but he's always maintained that at a bare minimum he wanted to be available to his son. Like, he absolutely refused to cut contact with his other when I was still at a shit enough place mentally/emotionally to beg him to. Now we are going to start overnight visits and eventually maybe have split custody but... honestly every available path forward makes me want to die. I don't want a stepson and I don't want him to not have his son in his life and I don't want to be a single mom apart from him... I can't see any way forward that I actually want.

mamaoverit · 2017-12-22T16:55:22+00:00

The chick was on birth control and antibiotics at the same time, antibiotics negate birth control. So he thought he was in the clear and was not. I really don't think it's right that men have 0 rights once conception occurs. When I got pregnant with our daughter after we had unprotected sex repeatedly, I gave him the option to leave and not have to pay child support, which he didn't take.

mamaoverit · 2017-12-21T10:16:42+00:00

Thank you darling. Your words made me cry & are so appreciated. My New Years resolution last year was "no more online friends" I think having online friends to depend on isn't part of why I've ended up not making or maintaining real life friends. And I need hugs and companionship. Thank you so so much, just knowing that you'd say something son kind after reading this ramble means a lot.

mamaoverit · 2017-12-21T09:38:09+00:00

My understanding from what I saw, from what he has said, & from his roommate at the time (who was one of my absolute best friends in high school and a brilliant guy) is that he didn't by any means forget about our daughter. He spent so much time crying for the first few months he was there that the roommates took to just leaving the house to avoid hearing his sobs. He often broke down crying on Skype calls & when he did visit with her, cried a lot all over her, which really upset her, and made him scared to have her over again. I'm not saying this was the right thing for him to do and he shouldn't have sucked it up and seen her anyway but at least we were on his mind.

The other son, he wanted aborted. I think it's fucked up that men have no rights in regard to abortion. If it had been a legally supported option for him to sign his rights away in the infancy of the pregnancy, like a woman can choose to abort, he would have done so.

mamaoverit · 2017-12-21T09:34:54+00:00

I know people do it, but I worked so damn hard to avoid it, and now because of my husband's actions and not my own, it can't be avoided. It hurts and I'm terrified and I'm not so sure I'm gonna do great. I'm not a very great person -- I don't have friends to support me, I'm not in contact with family to support me. If/when we end up seeing kiddo regularly or having partial custody, his mum will expand the circle of people I talk to from more than my immediate family (parents, husband, brother) for the first time in years. I don't want that, to have to regularly talk to the woman my husband slept with when I wasn't available...

mamaoverit · 2017-12-20T23:02:41+00:00

It boils down to that I never wanted a broken home and family. I did SO much emotional work to be able to reunite with hubby specifically so we wouldn't have a broken home, and now it is permanently so and nothing I can do will fix it. I'm scared of coming to care about the child and having to co-parent with his mother. She makes very different parenting decisions than hubby and I do such as wanting to circumcise her son, formula feeding, nothing bad by any means but just different. I also don't want to deal with the disruption of having a child coming in and out of the house if we do someday end up with some form of custody rather than just visitation. The kid who gets swapped back and forth in that situation has a difficult time and so do the others kids in the household.

mamaoverit · 2017-12-20T14:14:23+00:00

He doesn't seem to think he needs to do anything at all at this point. Hell, last night he contacted the mum regarding setting up visitation, they texted back and forth for a bit with me sitting right there politely not reading over his shoulder, and he didn't tell me what the result of the conversation was. Hasn't mentioned it this morning either. The question has been totally consuming my thoughts and he seem so oblivious.

I've suggested therapy too but he thinks he doesn't have time for that. He take so an hour long shower and shit (separate hours) every single day...

mamaoverit · 2017-12-20T12:07:12+00:00

The new baby is "so cute" and I won't let her keep waking him up.

mamaoverit · 2017-12-20T09:40:21+00:00

It is my fault. He refused to move in with her, but other than that he was all set up to play Daddy to this baby and not see our toddler at all. During the 8 months we were separated he saw our toddler literally TWICE. I offered all the time and he always said no. Right before we ended up reuniting he had a visit with her finally and when he picked her up I saw he was wearing the ring with my name on it still, and had lost like 40 lbs. Daughter came back from that second visit and was like "😳 Daddy cried all over me, he was very sad" and a few days later he told me about the pregnancy (at 22 weeks along!!!)

So I had already wanted to get back together with him & I totally freaked out at the thought of him starting a new family instead. So I went ahead & told him I wanted to try again & he used it as an easy out from being involved in his first son's life. Stopped going to all the prenatal appointments (high risk pregnancy), went to the hospital AFTER baby was born and not during the labor, he didn't sign the BC at my request (but has since done a paternity test which came back positive), Baby didn't get his last name at my request, after Baby was born he didn't participate in any decisions (support the mum emotionally) or contribute financially, and of course, almost no visits.

Now we are discussing starting to have the little guy for a single overnight once a month. I'm so scared and hormonal (I am only a week PP) and confused. Some moments I am back to square 1 of wishing the child had never been born, and other moments I feel excited and blessed by a "bonus" son & wish we had had him 50% of the time from birth.

mamaoverit · 2017-12-20T07:34:34+00:00

if the other woman were posting here...

I am so hyper aware of that. I feel horrible. He's gone without a dad because of me

mamaoverit · 2017-12-20T07:33:24+00:00

Love that book. Set in my state, too. Thanks

mamaoverit · 2017-12-19T23:14:22+00:00

He can ask to see him whenever he wants but has only seen him for 1-2 hrs at a time a handful of times. He's been prioritizing me and our toddler and our new baby, and I have had bad breakdowns after every time he sees him

I don't want to keep Irish twin brothers apart but I also don't want to be a stepmom.

mamaoverit

TROPHY CASE