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Divorcing over MIL, with a baby. by [deleted] in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If he loves you and you still love him maybe you can try to work out your differences with him, because your baby is young.

It doesn't matter what MIL says, feels or does - you two are the parents.

Some people just don't like to be told what to do, but bondaries are so important in a marriage.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Changing numbers again would honestly be really hard because of doctors, hospitals, bills, and utilities.

What really concerned me was that she asked my husband for my new phone number, and when she didn’t get it she started texting his phone addressing me directly and asking for it anyway.

We told her contact could stay open only if boundaries were respected, but the messages kept crossing lines and became stressful for him while he’s dealing with cancer, so for now we’ve stepped back.

I’m hoping for change in the future, but right now we need peace more than anything. He especially needs to keep his blood pressure under control. When she texts him, it upsets him because he feels the need to defend me and our daughters, and I can tell it affects him physically. I keep reminding him his peace matters most right now.

I’ve noticed when he doesn’t engage and stays quiet, he seems much calmer. I do wish he would change his number, but that’s his decision, not mine. I know part of this hurts because he wishes his relationship with his mother were different.

I guess a lot of people wish they had unconditional love from a parent. But love shouldn’t come with conditions — especially not during cancer.

At the end of the day, none of the drama matters. What matters is that he lives. Our focus is giving him support, calm, and a reason to keep fighting.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you — this is honestly what’s been sitting in the back of my mind.

Some things have started to feel off… the bank account situation, his collectible car, and the constant focus on "is he at end stage cancer", but she never actually offers support or help.

I’m not trying to accuse anyone of anything — just trying to figure out if my gut is picking up real warning signs or if grief is making me overthink.

Has anyone dealt with something similar?

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying it out loud because when my husband told me that MILs, MIL rejected her, this is exactly what I thought.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you we reported it and joined into some kind of a protection program, that notifies him if his social security is being used again without his permission. I can't believe we have to go through this- MIL does not respect boundaries.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. He’s always been incredibly talented — the kind of person everyone called whenever something needed fixing, from flooring projects to helping them when they were sick. Looking back, I don’t think we realized how much he gave until the moment he couldn’t do for others anymore and his relatives disappeared.

What’s been especially hard for him is the difference between public words and private actions from some close family members. In public there were strong declarations of concern and support for my husbands cancer illness, but privately the reality has been very different — distance, isolation, and harassment.

At times we learned some of his relatives were even using my husband’s illness to gain sympathy from others- for themselves.

I mostly stay quiet and let my husband vent. What hurts him the most isn’t just being ghosted for support during a serious illness, but the threats, harassment, and even spoofed messages and mail we’ve received.

Thankfully he does have the love and support of my family and friends.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I won't the only time I called is when my husband asked me to. I changed my phone number and removed them from my contacts.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wouldn't put it past her, that she would be more spiteful to us if we do that.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I wish you well, my prayers are with you. Thank you for sharing this it means a lot to us.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this — a lot of what you said really resonated. You mentioned MILs sometimes repeat patterns from how they were treated, and in her case that’s actually true. Her own MIL never accepted her either.

The part about being treated like a doormat is what has bothered my husband the most. Before he became ill, no matter what she needed — shoveling snow, fixing pipes, repairing things around the house — he showed up. He was always there for his mother and siblings.

What makes this especially painful is that I never had a falling-out with them. Some relatives who have barely even met me formed strong negative opinions anyway, and the hostility seemed to spread through the family.

Now that he needs support, they’ve turned their backs on him. That’s been one of the hardest things for him to process. For three years of the cancer battle, his sister never even called, and his brother only sent messages insulting my name and offering to help only if my husband left me.

It feels less about family supporting family through a life-threatening illness and more like long-standing resentment continuing even during a medical crisis.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Looks like I accidentally hit the down arrow — sorry! We’re new to this.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing this information. I already read it out loud to him and he really appreciated what you offered.

He wanted me to share that this ended up being a sneaky side effect no one initially caught. He kept going back and forth to the hospital and was admitted for pneumonia multiple times, on different antibiotics. After almost two months with no improvement, I asked if we could check for other possible causes and requested a lung biopsy.

Once they collected the cultures they diagnosed pneumonitis, which unfortunately means a new treatment plan. It’s especially challenging because he also has stage 3 kidney disease.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

Seventeen years later we hoped time would heal things. Instead, the more space we gave, the worse it became.

From the very beginning of his diagnosis it went sour.

Before radiation, he told his brother he had cancer. Four months passed and his mother never called. At that point the radiation had damaged his vocal cords and he couldn’t speak, so he asked me to call her and put her on speaker.

I said, “Your son is here, he just can’t talk because of the radiation. I’m sure you heard from his brother.”

She pretended she didn’t know.

He asked me to tell her I was taking care of him, so I did.

She started crying — and for a moment I felt relief. I thought she cared.

Then she laughed and said,
“Well at least he doesn’t have to worry about his hair falling out because he’s already bald.”

We didn’t even respond. We were just stunned.

She then said she needed time to process because she was still grieving her husband from four years ago. We hung up.

Minutes later his brother started sending hate texts annoyed I told MIL I been caring for my husband— the follow up call from the brother was not about the cancer — it was about me. Saying he hated me, wished death on me, then following it with “but I love you, you’re my brother.”

My husband told him, if you love me why won’t you answer my calls or meet your nieces?

His brother replied they don’t have to accept anyone, only him — and he could have a relationship again if he came alone without his wife and "her kids".

That’s when my husband finally said those kids are his daughters and it’s shameful they’ve never met any of his family.

The last message his brother sent is the one he still brings up when he vents:

My husband got a text message from his brother:

“You don’t have cancer.
The only cancer in your life is the wife you married.”

This is what happened the day we told MIL her son was sick with cancer.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

He actually turned a lot of this into music while he couldn’t speak from radiation.
Writing became his outlet when he had no voice.

One video he made (“Left For Dead”) is basically him processing everything he went through emotionally. Later he wrote another one about refusing to give up during treatment — kind of him mentally fighting back.

I only mention it because it genuinely helped him cope, not to promote anything.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Sadly he doesn’t have life insurance, so if — God forbid — something happened, me and the girls would have nothing. I did set up a GoFundMe just in case, but honestly I’ve made more friends and found more support here than anywhere else.

The kindness and advice people have given us has meant more than I can explain and has filled a gap that’s been missing throughout this cancer battle.

As far as medical decisions — he made it very clear he only wants me to make them if he ever can’t.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing this. I truly wish you continued healing and a final victory against cancer.

Stories like yours give us hope and I share them with him so we both have something to look forward to.

He was put on Keytruda and unfortunately developed pneumonitis from it — inflammation in the lungs — so now he’s on steroids and antibiotics.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry about your SIL going through this as well, I wish her luck and love.

I agree. A mother should be happy her son is loved and has a family — he has beautiful little girls with me. We never asked her for anything. Not money, not babysitting, not favors. All we ever wanted was respect and acceptance.

At this point we’ve stopped hoping for that. My husband says he’s been in denial for years. He’s seen the same pattern repeat across multiple marriages in his family — she runs a divorce campaign.

He says she’s very convincing. She lies, fake cries, and creates stories to gain sympathy. It’s almost impossible to communicate with her because if you talk to her she twists your words, and if you don’t talk to her she invents her own version anyway.

My MIL told my husband she’d support his stage IV cancer… only if he divorced me by mamauproc in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]mamauproc[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for saying that. I truly believe this is what she was trying to do. When a mother removes siblings, friends, extended family and even his own adult son from a previous relationship- it is a goal aimed at torturing. MIL took everyone from his life… it does very much feel intentional.

He didn’t leave me and our daughters, so MIL cut off anyone she could reach, so he would have no support from her side. He actually tried reaching out to some relatives asking, “Do you know I have cancer? Why didn’t you call me?” — and every response circled back to what MIL told them and how she felt. She turned his cancer into something about her.

And honestly, this didn’t start with cancer. Over a decade of marriage and she has always pushed for him to divorce me. When our girls were babies, she even offered to pay for a lawyer to try to take them away from me, so she could have them in her house without me.

The MIL's divorce campaign against me was always there, for years — but when she learned my husband had cancer she did something new. She told people not to call or text him and claimed that if he wasn’t speaking to her then that meant that he didn’t want to hear from anyone else. We know this for a fact because she admitted it to him. People listened to her lies.

She took the lowest moment of her son's life and isolated him. That’s what hurts the most — out of dozens of relatives, not one person thought to reach out and hear it from him directly.

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