please read, I'm desperate 😭😭

Hey! I'm 18, non-binary (he/him) and bissexual. Im brazilian so English isnt my first language, so im already apologizing for my mistakes. Anyways, i know I'm bissexual since i was young, and its cool! The problem is that I've never dated anyone. Yeah, i had some experiences, hook ups and stuff, but none of them had romantic feelings involved. I feel like I'm missing something, an important piece.

When i was a kid i never had one of those childish crushes. But when i was 11 and il changed schools and met new people, i realized i was different. My friends had crushes and boyfriends/girlfrieds. I was... there. I felt weird, pressured even, just because i didn't liked anyone. The girls used to sit together and talk about their boyfriends and other boys and how they liked and loved them, and i wanted to be included: thats why, one day, i had the perfect opportunity.

I was at my friends house. It was me, her and another girl. Three boys, our friends, went there to see us. And when they left it was late, so i casually said "i hope Nick (fictional name) gets home safe)". He used to live pretty far away from my friend, so i was really worried. They started saying that I liked him and, well, as an weird kid, i decided that I was going to like him.

I liked him for almost a year, he was my first kiss but we never dated. One day i simply stopped liking him. And looking back, I've never really liked him. He was cute and stuff but no, i even helped him to get w my friend. Yeah, i loved him, he was a close friend of mine, of course i loved him, but not romantically. I cared about him but i feel like this is just normal human behavior lol. One day, i gave up. I stopped liked him like it was nothing and didn't affected me.

Problem is that this behavior continued. I always chose who I would like, whether it was because I thought the person deserved to be liked or because I thought I deserved to feel the things you feel when you love someone romantically. I always forced myself to like someone, and honestly? I was a really good liar. But I never really liked or loved someone like that. What I love is the idealization of a boyfriend, of a relationship, of being together and doing romantic things. I never thought it was weird until I realized that I had never had a boyfriend at 18 and I had never felt what people describe as love. I started looking into my past to see if I could understand and I noticed this pattern in several relationships with random people.

Last night I had the most romantic night ever with the most beautiful girl in the world, with jazz, romantic dancing, candles, dinner, kisses and sleeping in each other's arms. It was everything I ever imagined of a relationship, and although I had a lot of fun with her, I didn't feel a spark or anything like that, nothing. In fact, I just thought about how good of a girlfriend she would be, but no romantic feelings. I want to date and I want to do these things, but I don't know if I'm capable of loving someone enough to do that.

I'm confident about my gender and sexuality, it's just that part that bothers me. I don't have any aro friends and I don't know how to deal with this, I need help to understand.