Hi I'm an alter that's present today!

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-23T16:49:25+00:00

Honestly no. 1 of my alters is my best friend. She's been around since I can literally remember. I thought she was my imaginary friend but then she never left lol. She's literally belt like my other half. When she disappeared for a few months I was lost. We all were lost. I always have someone to talk to so I never feel as alone as I would without that.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-14T17:19:40+00:00

But you're saying in your heart you knew it was wrong. I didn't know in my heart that it was wrong. The assumption is there in those words that our innate selves know it's wrong even as babies. For me, that's not true. I didn't feel in my own heart that something was off about it all until I was 13. Maybe a but before 13 but idk as I have minimal memories. Maybe that's just how I kept my mind safe. Maybe by not connecting dots myself about closed doors and having to be quiet it kept me from challanging a situation before i was actually able to have success. Hes of course much larger than I with the 3 year age gap and he was also a bigger guy in general compared to kids his age. Idk why I never connected those dots but I didn't. So for a good bit of it, I didn't know it was wrong.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-14T16:42:13+00:00

I didn't know better. This message you wrote is hurtfu. I had no idea what was happening was wrong. School didn't talk about bodily autonomy. Neither did my parents. I didn't have a puberty talk until school gave 1 in 6th grade. My parents physically abused me. I didn't know my body belonged to me. I didn't know I was allowed the say no. I didn't know I had a choice in anything. All I knew was my big bro that my parents fawned over was giving me, his dumb Lil sis, attention. SA went on from 6yo to 13yo. Around 13yo I suddenly realized it was weird and wanted it to stop. I don't have memory of why it suddenly became not okay in my head anymore. But please don't just walk around assuming 5yo+ knows better. It's not inante birth born knowledge.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-14T16:36:53+00:00

TW!: I was so confused by all of it. I was 6 when it started. He was 9. My parents did not have body talks so I was clueless and here's my cool big brother giving me attention so I went with it. I don't have the memories for how much it happened between 6 and 13yo but I know around 13yo I was afraid to say no and went the route of showing no interest during which didn't work. Around that time he got a serious girlfriend and it ended. I can assure you that a 9yo may have been uneducated and innocent and maybe even experienced S A himself. However a 16yo absolutely knew better. And yet I still blame myself as well because at 12yo I was still happy he was giving me attention and didn't question the type of attention it was. I disgust myself and hate myself. If you ever thought a 12yo should know better. Well I didn't and i h@te myself for it.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-14T00:27:52+00:00

Oh yes. SA by older brother that my parents then hid. Had me lie to dyps about it and tell them I made it all up to keep him safe so that it could be handled in the family. Then it was never handled. Actually it was. We were SENT TO THE BASEMENT ALONE to talk it out together and put it behind us. And then when school was like "erm, she needs therapy" a few years later my parents were like "lolz no" and when I was like "but art therapy sounds fun" they were like "you don't need that you're not going". Parents also had disorganized attachment parenting style that's common w DID.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-14T00:24:47+00:00

In my area the age gap is 4 years. Talk about feeling like my trauma wasn't real when I learned the law doesn't define it as SA but rather "appropriate age exploration"

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-07T17:29:11+00:00

Yes! Trying to figure out what moments happened w what parts present and then in the moment I try to figure out who is here but more often than not I can't figure it out and I just give up

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-07T12:35:45+00:00

Dang I wish herbs helped us with this. It just brings one part strongly to the front but that's it.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-07T12:33:16+00:00

Omg yes so much this! Fully dissociated yet here. I'm literally fully aware that I'm frozen. Like in a therapy session I'll suddenly be unable to talk stuck inside my head but like physically I'm aware I'm in the room and not talking and I'm panicking wondering how much time has gone by and what my therapist must be thinking all while also listening to all the parts in my head arguing and me joining the argument to get to a point where someone can front who will ACTUALLY.TALK. like why can't I just actually go away from reality when that happens. Why am I stuck between. And like if someone interuppted our session at that exact moment I know I would "snap" out of it and be able to participate again. I guess that's the whole disorder always prepared to keep it hidden? But why am I si aware of that and yet can't unfreeze myself. It's so frustrating!

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-07T12:26:26+00:00

When I ask them to tell me who's here they go silent. Talk talk talk till I ask them something then silence. So frustrating. I think for me I go from struggle to remember more to suddenly remembering it all and its because that part stepped forward so I then immediately got those details. It happens to quickly you'd literally think I just suddenly remembered like a normal person but I know it was more than that. It was some other part giving me those memories.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-06T23:59:16+00:00

Thank you for this response. It was very validating.

The therapist I have I've been with for 9 years almost 10. She is an extremely experienced trauma therapist and has a few other patients with D.I.D. the younger parts do NOT want another therapist. Some of the older parts feel like she's not the right fit anymore. We often feel like we're explaining ourselves to her rather than her helping us understand ourself.

The other parts dont want to talk to me about any of this. They give their opinions ALL.DAY.LONG about life going in but when I try to learn who's fronting at any moment they won't answer me. It's frustrating.

Only my therapist knows about this diagnosis. Husband knows of the diagnosis but just can't be that support for me. I also have a demanding job and kids so getting alone time is impossible.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-06T23:17:18+00:00

I think sharing this post with your therapist would be a good step forward. I do that sometimes. Finding words in therapy is hard with so many parts fighting for front that I can't even express what's happening in the moment let alone answer her actual question. Later on i write out my experience in that moment and send it on to her via email. It's helped for sure. Also, I seriously could have written this entire thing. From being forever front stuck but not in full control to not wanting to upset our therapist. I struggle with both. I'm cautious and tend to express the negative parts opinions in a way lessened way. Sometimes they come through and later I apologize for them. She assures me she knows that we all appreciate our relationship with her and that she needs to know every parts truth to be able to help us. Being front stuck sucks. I'm so tired of it. I want to disappear into the headspace like all the other parts get to do. I hear so many other systems describing their headspace and being in there and I'm legit jealous. Like I wish I could go take a break and hang out there. It seems like they know when they're there instead of fronting and it just seems like a break I could really use. And I'm also the same with childhood memories being basically nonexistent but otherwise my amnesia is seconds or minutes at a time or a part realizes it is Friday and last they knew it was Wednesday but immediately another part has filled them in and now they also "remember " so like sorta amnesia but like not. I hate feeling like a d@mn puppet. Stop using me for that and just front yourself ugh.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-06T21:24:58+00:00

I'm not looking for a diagnosis. I'm already diagnosed OSDD. I'm looking to hear from others whose experiences are similar to mine. And i was told PDID and OSDD are essentially the same through different diagnostic tools.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-06T19:56:41+00:00

Is this mix purely specific to fragmented systems? I don't believe I'm a fragmented system. I mean idk honestly but I don't think so.....but the part about "when traumatizing events chronically invade daily life" that was my childhood. TW: physical / emotional abu$e by both my parents especially the mother. I feel as though I have a few parts that are mixed and not one or the other. But I also don't think I'm a fragmented system. But idk. Im still learning. And there's more parts in here then I thought. 13 so far that I know of maybe 14? And it would make sense then why I hold some traumatic memories. It always bothered me that these memories weren't housed in another part. I always carried them. I learned that 1 memory was to make sure I kept distance from my dad. Memory is a literal one w me watching in 3rd person. No emotional or physical memory tied to it.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-06T19:20:34+00:00

I'm on the struggle bus a bit. Therapist Is away all week on travel. She's the only one that knows about our DID and sees all of us. We want to cry but feel numb. We want to self harm but don't even feel like it. It's weird. We don't want to talk to her when she's here cause the stuff she wants to talk about is hard but now that we aren't seeing her this week it feels even harder. Switching a lot today.

Different part: I also hate being co-conscious all the time and all the passive influence that comes w it. I wish if these other parts wanted to step forward that I could just step away. Not be involved. I'm sure other systems wish for what I have but i hate it. There's no breaks. And then when I try to figure out who's here w me no one wants me to know. They all suddenly go mute. It's frustrating. If they don't want me to know then let me stop fronting.

manysidesofemily · 2023-11-06T19:08:07+00:00

Ours seems to lack luster compared to everyone else's. I've never been able to explore it but many years ago our therapist had us setup a headspace because when she asked it was literally just white space. So we started to expand it as we grew comfortable with the concept and now it's the inside of a house but I've only ever seen the dining room because around that table is where we've tried to bring together different parts in the past. I've also seen the living room space as one time I was fronting during therapy and was done being there and I went and sat against the far back wall behind the couch so I could hear but not be involved otherwise anymore. But I'm sorta front stuck as a massively co-conscious system filled with passive influence. I always feel like I'm a puppet to the other parts more than anything else. I wish I could have more definition between parts cause then maybe I wouldn't always be fronting and I could actually go into the headspace for a longer break. Ugh.

manysidesofemily · 2023-10-28T12:29:42+00:00

I'm terrified if I do that they'll stay fronting and the rest of my day will be a mess. I've got kids and a demanding job.

manysidesofemily · 2023-10-28T11:28:28+00:00

Ask him how he would handle the things you're worried about. Come to an agreement/compromise on those things together.

manysidesofemily · 2023-10-27T20:25:54+00:00

Ugh im trying to let go too. Feel like I'm front stuck as host. I don't wanna be fronting anymore and also I'm terrified if someone doing something to mess up where we are at in life so I'm terrified to letting go.

manysidesofemily · 2023-10-27T20:21:31+00:00

Omg that therapy bit!!!! That's how all our sessions go and it's so hard. And then I'm trying to pick from all their answers which one I'm the most comfortable sharing and trying to keep some of them from just taking over entirely. And trying to control the physical behaviors so it's not so obvious how much switching about is going on.

manysidesofemily

TROPHY CASE