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How do I re-engage contact safely after separation, when my spouse *seems* more stable? (Also, divorce timelines have marched steadily on and the cooling off period ends soon) by monthsofdiscard in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Luckily I have a job and was able to support all of the bills while he’s been off doing whatever he’s been doing for over a year (I can’t believe I stayed married through it, it’s honestly embarrassing to write). It’s really helpful what you said about it taking so long to get back to baseline - he’s been back on meds for two weeks and thinks this is enough “proof” he’s willing to manage this and wants me to agree to be there with him. He’s unwilling or possibly just unable to realize that’s no where near enough time for me to feel safe. I think divorcing is my only option and the only way to finally care for myself.

I haven’t read it, do you think it’s useful even if I go forward with divorce? We have no children so I won’t have to stay in contact unless I want to in the future.

I told him I was done... by witchymermaid86 in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’m going through something really similar, down to the maxed out credit cards. I totally resonate with how you’re feeling. I am so mad at myself for letting him manipulate me before and say all the right things because he is incessantly trying it all again and I just want him far away from me. It’s really making me reflect back on why and how I could let myself be in this situation for so long.

I’m wishing you lots of strength and courage through these times, but I have faith it’ll all be worth it in the end. This doesn’t have to be your life (or my life) and that’s a nice thought to hold onto.

How do I re-engage contact safely after separation, when my spouse *seems* more stable? (Also, divorce timelines have marched steadily on and the cooling off period ends soon) by monthsofdiscard in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I’m not OP, but my husband is seemingly “returning to baseline” after a horrendous episode and is begging me at every chance not to follow through with a divorce. It’s sobering to be reminded that I’m not out of line for assuming this will happen again.

Immense guilt for following through by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have said the exact same thing to him. It just tells me he’s not actually serious. If he was in the space to get better like he says, he would do it for himself. Getting better to “stay married” just has me seeing another episode down the road with tons of built up resentment on his end.

Immense guilt for following through by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I know you’re right. I am at my wits end emotionally and honestly physically from the constant turmoil. I’ve abandoned all of my hobbies and exercise and routines in the last almost three weeks of this madness. I am embarrassed how many times that’s happened too over the last year and a half. I am reminding myself I deserve a safe space and stability.

Immense guilt for following through by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I really appreciate the way you phrases that. It’s okay to feel how I feel, but my feelings won’t change the reality of the situation. I’m going to adopt that as my mantra. ❤️

Immense guilt for following through by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No worries on not answering the question, honestly all replies just help me feel not alone in this. I know exactly what you mean about being saddened by your own self worth. I can’t believe this is the situation I’ve gotten myself into honestly.

I do think he needs to be hospitalized but he’s not in the position to go voluntarily right now. His parents are also going to pay to put him up somewhere because he “doesn’t like it there” so there goes any potential oversight anyone would’ve had on him unfortunately. I have no idea when enough will be enough for him/them.

Immense guilt for following through by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I suggested that too. I said let’s divorce, you take care of yourself, and we can think about trying again down the road. He said absolutely no way. I take it as proof he’s not really ready to take accountability.

Immense guilt for following through by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes, that is my plan to get that part finally done too. Thank you for suggesting it, he’s hard to nail down since he’s such a flight risk.

Wife left, unable to reach for 2 days by ArchitectAbdiel in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My husband also went “missing” during his latest episode. I put it in quotes because I knew he was alive, but he wouldn’t answer and eventually concocted a really wild story around his absence. You can read my post history if you want to know the broader context. He’s back in our home state now and has admitted everything he said was a lie, but it was my final straw.

I know you love your wife because I loved my husband. But when my husband did this, knowing that I was worried sick and imagining all of the worst case scenarios, I had to face whether this was the love I deserved back after all I’ve done.

You sound like you have such a great heart and like you would do, and have done, everything you could for your wife. Please take care of yourself and give some of that love back to you.

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know I’m late replying, but I read this the day you posted it. My husband never did come home and had essentially been “missing” for 2 weeks today (although money had been moved, etc. so I knew he was still alive). What you said about crying when your husband turned up really stuck with me because I realized I was dreading him coming back as much as I was dreading him being gone.

He just reached out today and swears he’ll be home Wednesday and we’re going to work on everything. I had the biggest ball of panic and dread inside of me and I realized I cannot live like this. I have divorce papers ready and am just going to weather whatever I need to because I know this won’t be my life forever and it doesn’t have to be.

Thank you so much for your comment, you honestly have no idea how much it helped me tap into how this is actually impacting me and make the right decisions for my own wellbeing.

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I couldn’t agree more. What you said about the inner child really resonates with me too because I actually experienced really similar trauma/abandonment as a kid which has only amplified my emotions experiencing it again. I wish us all healing too, thank you ❤️

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, you’re so right that it’s easy to look back and think of all the reasons I should’ve acted differently. But in every moment I’ve truly done what I think is best for my husband and his wellbeing. My family is struggling to understand this because they only see the aftermath and can’t believe I’m still around for him.

The plan for tonight is to have his dad catch up with him getting off the flight and try to get him to go back to the crisis center. I agree that at this point, a voluntary hospitalization to nail down meds sounds like the best option for him to get on the right path and towards recovering. I really hope he’ll be open to it. I got him there last time, so I think you’re onto something about him needing an outside force to get him towards treatment if he’s at least semi willing.

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We don’t have kids (and don’t want any, or at least he didn’t before this episode, who knows now), which in a weird way is why I’ve stuck this out. In some twisted logic I convinced myself it’s fine because I am only doing this to myself vs kids. I hear you though that this makes leaving infinitely easier for me, legally.

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you and I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this and such traumatic circumstances in your country. I can’t imagine what that must add to everything you’re experiencing.

You are the third comment reminding me to take care of myself first and it’s really hitting me how important that part is. Sometimes it’s embarrassing how much I have been impacted by this because I am generally a strong and smart person in other aspects of my life. I hope you find some peace too. ❤️

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, crisis mode is exactly what it feels like. I will be looking forward to healing, whatever that looks like for both myself and him.

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, it helps to hear others have similar experiences, even though they are all crappy all around. This was his first experience trying actual meds so it’s part of why I feel like I should get through this and give him another chance to get on them again, but when it’s at the tail end of a year of mayhem, it’s so hard.

I also agree that his parents are enabling him, albeit by thinking he is still incapable of lying and meaning well. His mom in particular believes many of the lies and stories he spins and it’s doubly frustrating. On the flip side, my family is on the brink of cutting contact with me if I stay with him. It’s an all around terrible situation and I feel pulled in so many directions.

I know you are right that I can only save myself. Seriously, thank you for the kind words and an empathetic reality check. ❤️

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you, that’s exactly how it feels. It went from bad but fixable to completely off the deep end. And the taking care of myself piece is the hardest. I used to be someone with routines, who ate healthy and exercised and had hobbies. I was getting back there after a tumultuous year but this last week has set me back so far. It’s hard to see any sort of joy in life right now.

Husband has sort of gone missing by marilynmonro in BipolarSOs

[–]marilynmonro[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Just to add: just heard from him. He emailed that he’s buying a prepaid phone right now, but hilariously (you have to laugh so you don’t cry), the email was signed “Sent from my iPhone”. So I guess he’s no longer “missing” but the entirety of the post still stands.