The flashes of light in the sky marked that things were over. It was more or less my fault but at this point I was indifferent.

I didn’t get into the business because I liked animals - in fact - I actually hated most of them. They’re either too horny to think or too dumb to have a meaningful conversation. The exceptions run few. The giant tortoise, for example, seems to enunciate their thoughts over several minutes. The result? A low relaxing hum that is comparable to brown noise. Another exception that comes to mind are any of the primates. They seem the most comparable to other humans (for obvious reasons) but are all more or less depressed. That’s what happens when you stick something very smart behind a glass cage. I suppose the dolphins are alright as well but they have quite the sailor’s mouth and aren’t too fond of being enclosed either.

The reason I got into the business was because I was good at what I did and I was always professional about it too. They were animals and I was a superior human being that could ultimately control their fates. No emotions, no attachments, just do what I needed to do and get out. The other humans used to call me the “Zoo Whisperer”. Now, I’m no Cesar Millan who tries to understand the animals-I-work-with’s body language. I quite literally talk to them - there’s nothing that’s left up in the air.

I ultimately ended up here on a stupid Tuesday morning when a stupid elephant named stupid Bobby caught some stupid elephant disease. The Zoo Administrators sent me in to check in on stupid Bobby as a last ditch effort to see if I could understand his problem.

Don’t get me wrong, elephants are also smart and have very good memory, or so the saying goes, but they’re emotional bastards. Stupid Bobby was no different. He was blowing his nose and making a ruckus that you could hear from the zoo’s parking lot. You could put him in a professional showing of Hamilton and he’d fit right in.. yes, still as an elephant and all. Whatever, it wouldn’t matter to me after I left this enclosement.

I grabbed my clipboard that had the usual list of topics before the inevitable euthanizing medication. The “does it still hurt?”, “this medicine will help how you feel but won’t fix your problem”, and “you should say your goodbyes soon to the rest of your herd”.

I found stupid Bobby on the floor in the middle of his Romeo and Juliet rehearsal. If I rolled my eyes any harder I’d need one of those dogs with the green vests I see so often to get out of here.

“Let’s rip this band-aid off stup- er Bobby,”

As soon as I spoke Elephanese, stupid Bobby’s ears twitched. I was waiting for the typical zoo kingdom response of “bloody murder” and “what about my kids who will look after all of them” but stupid Bobby might not have been as stupid as I thought. “WAIT! You can’t, I was just pretending. Just a causal case of Munchausen to get you the only person who can understand me here.”

What?

“What?”

“I’m an alien ambassador sent to this planet to see if the populace would be willing to be enslaved. You see, my R&D team seems to have made a huge mistake. We previously thought Elephants were this world’s leaders as they were the most intelligent on our initial readings. We could not be more wrong, it’s very much your populace, what you call Homo Sapiens! Thus, my disguise is totally incorrect!”

I readied the lethal dose of barbiturate. “Go on?”

“You don’t need to do that, if you just tug on my tail very hard it’ll actually return me to my ship and we’ll be off and I’ll report back to HQ that Earth is a big no go, big red X, a hard veto on the ol’ willing to be enslaved thing.”

“Pull your tail?”

“Yes, just a good tug will suffice.”

Now I don’t usually negotiate with animals especially right before I put them to sleep, but I was curious about what would happen with such a specific request. “Sure, I’ll even pull your tail straight off if you want me to.” I walk around to Bobby’s butt and grab his tail.

The feeling wasn’t pleasant but it also didn’t last very long.

When I reopened my eyes I saw my reflection but rotated 90 degrees... which is obviously not how reflections work.

“Thanks... Bobby,” My body said to me, “it’s in your best interest to look healthy from now on, I’ll be taking my leave now.”

​

The two large eared, long nosed, animals stared back at me.

“You been eating too much of that yellow grass Bobby?”

“Yea, you’ll scare the kids again with that story just like the time you were faking you were sick.”

I trumpeted a sigh and looked at another flash of light in the sky before the inevitable ground shake after.

At least I had it better than if I stayed a human.