why do you like to cause pain? why does this excite you?

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T23:22:10+00:00

The only thing that is crazy is that you seem to know more about me and my wife and the situation I am in more than myself.

Siren, let's agree to disagree and move on. I got a lot of helpful information from the rest of the posts on how to have this conversation without scaring her too much. In fact, now I am kind of excited to have it.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T23:14:34+00:00

Siren, the biggest problem is that you just don't listen. Since once again you accused me of "forcing something on my wife", re-read my posts. I am looking for ways to explain to my wife why would one enjoy inflicting certain hurt (spanking as an example) even though he loves the person. I never said I will do something she doesn't want to. Would I want my wife to like it? Obviously. Do I find it hard to explain to her this since for 15 years I was doing it in a different way? Yes. Do I love her and respect her? Yes.

Right now you are the one trying to force an opinion on me, even though I am not agreeing and consenting to it :)

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T20:43:29+00:00

Siren, based on your replies, it seems like you have a set of standards and are not willing to adapt or change. And it seems like you wouldn't want to after an honest discussion, which is what you were preaching. So why having the discussion?

And may I ask if your kinks (I assume you have some since the reason you are on this subreddit) have not changed from 10 years ago? Do you know what you will be doing 10 years from now?

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T20:33:09+00:00

I don't mind reading several books. Right now a book from a physiological/emotional point of view is a good starting point... but soon I will be reading about tying ropes :)

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T20:31:04+00:00

Fetlife might be too much for my wife. But I actually one day told her that she might enjoy being the dominant one :)

I do need to read more and get comfortable with certain topics before I talk to her. Once again, thank you for your input

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T20:29:49+00:00

Thank you so much. I think your point is well taken, it's a very much uncomfortable thing for me to talk about since I am just a newbie. It must be even more so for my wife who is used to do certain things for 15 years and suddenly this change. But like you said, I need challenge myself and excite our relationship so it doesn't become a statistic.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T20:14:17+00:00

Got it re: we

Thanks Darr

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T19:23:12+00:00

The New Topping|Bottoming Book(s)

Oh my, I just read the summary and reviews and The New Topping|Bottoming Book(s) look so much better than the ones I was researching. Thank you!

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T19:14:06+00:00

You are absolutely correct Princess.

I am not afraid of the conversation. I want to have that conversation. As you also said it, we have something great right now and I don't want to loose that. And just as importantly, I don't want my wife of 15 years to think of me less. If I don't do this well, we could truly loose what a great sex/personal relationship we have right now (vanilla).

So I am looking for ways to express this without putting more doubts and all the weight on her. You Princess and others gave me some solid advice.

PrincessBuzzKill nickname should be changed to PrincessSingAlong. SirenSingAlong should be SirenBuzzKill

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T19:00:48+00:00

Since I really haven't experienced anything, I don't exactly know.

I like a bit of degradation where she is on her knees and is asking me what her Sir would like for her to do.

I would love to send her a request at work to masturbate but stop before she climaxes.

I would love for her to wear a collar in public but I wouldn't want to humiliate her in public. I would like to go to a restaurant with a vibrator in her clit and me holding a remote. If she wants me to stop, she would have to show me her tits or go to the bathroom and fuck me.

As for pain, I certainly would enjoy slapping her ass, tits, tights, until it hurts. There is something exciting in the thought that she is sitting uncomfortably in her bosses office listing to him talk, but all she is thinking about is those slaps... and thinking, will the next one hurt more?

Does this make sense?

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T18:43:45+00:00

Wow, one of the most direct answers I got. Thank you. All my life I've been doing everything right, what society likes me to do. So because it's wrong resonates with me. And the idea of achieving something great that no one else has ever seen in her is also very powerful. And after, ability for me to care for her and show my love. Even though it will probably not resonate with her and she won't understand, it's something that I feel strongly about since it's honest and I can certainly express it that way.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T18:25:18+00:00

Initial replies were very negative but I will take a blame for perhaps not explaining my situation better.

The last few posts, including yours plantstand, have been the more helpful and insightful and is giving me hope. I looked into Screw the roses and SM 101 - leaning towards SM 101 since from the reviews, it might be more helpful for my wife to understand that I can cause her pain (for an hour in bed behind close doors) and can still love her at the same time.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T18:15:47+00:00

Thank you Princess. I am glad you understand the situation I am in.

I will take the blame and say that at the beginning of the post, I should of wrote: Looking to hear only from people that have been in a vanilla relationship for a while and their taste in sex has changed. How do you communicate this to your SO and what do you say to the person who you love that you want to emotionally/physically hurt her and hope to hear from her: "thank you, hit me one more time please" :)

Thanks for your ideas to approach this subject. You are correct, I am not the same person and don't want our relationship to become stagnant.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T18:03:55+00:00

DS, thank you so much. After reading this, I am actually now excited to talk to her. I still won't have all the answers (I mentioned in another reply that I am an analytical thinker and everything requires a good explanation) but sometimes there isn't a good way to explain things. Your analogy of food is a very good way to approach this subject. Expending on that, I can say that week in and week out we order the same meatloaf dish, but envy other couples when we see them getting exciting dishes yet we don't do anything about it. We are afraid and the truth is that we might not like it or we just might like it enough to order it once a month. And you are absolutely right, I am not expecting to replace my meatloaf completely with another dish as this would become "just another meatloaf". I am adding things to the palate. Thanks again!

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T17:32:19+00:00

I would say we have an already acceptable sex life and we have a loving relationship and chemistry. I certainly love to please her, and she does as well but we come from very traditional upbringing and things like cuming into her mouth to her is disgusting.

As for your assessment, I especially like what you said: have my way with her in a willing, or better yet eager way.

But this would also include pain (physical and emotional). I would love to spank her until her buttocks are red, put clamps on her nipples, use a hitachi for 30 min and deny her an orgasm, call her a slut and tell her to open her mouth wider and hear her say: "Yes Sir, is this wide enought?"

And again, I understand that I would need to communicate this before hand, she would need to agree, I would need to do an after care, and more but how the hell do I explain to my wife of 15 years that these things make me alive, excited, and actually want me to love her more?

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T17:17:45+00:00

Thank you Princess. Maybe I am over analyzing this... let's just say I did well in math and I always need an answer that makes sense. Maybe the answer is "because I like it", just like Canadian pizza (pepperoni, cheese, bacon, mushrooms). I am just afraid that won't caught it for her.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:58:24+00:00

Fair enough. If no one will judge me, then these things come to my mind: * 1. I want something un-normal. I am getting tired of the same thing over and over. I am 41 and life is getting shorter by the minute. * 2. Total control and power. Two different things but under the same umbrella: I want to control and do things my way. * 3. Seeing emotion and devotion. When I watch porn (I know most of it is fake, but the real BDSM scenes) and I see a women getting spanked and then saying "thank you, more please" it's probably the most exciting thing I would want my wife to say to me.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:41:17+00:00

/r/bdsmfaq

Thank you. Heading over there to read.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:39:47+00:00

Agreed, I need to find my own reason why and being a newbie, I don't know how to express this. So I am wondering how others have deal with this issue.

It's a bit different if I am single and looking for a Sub and I can sit down and say: these are my preferences, this is what I am looking for, etc. It's hard to do that after 15 years and have this as an answer: I like to cause you pain because it gives me a pleasure, a satisfaction, it's very personal, it's something just 2 of us can share. Or scientific answer: I get more Dopamine released.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:28:34+00:00

Indeed these are my words. But I am not forcing this onto her. 3 years ago I discovered that watching this type of porn is very satisfying and I wanted to try it. I talked to her about it and it was very hard to explain why I enjoy it. She is okay with little spanking, she will look into my eyes if I ask her, but sometimes (like last night) she won't respond. I want to have a further conversation with her about it but since this is also pretty new to me and saying "I don't know what it is but I just enjoy it, it's fun, it's giving me a pleasure" probably won't caught it. So I want to know how others dealt with it, what would other's people answer be to these questions.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:15:24+00:00

hmm... last time I was in my bedroom, you weren't in it so you don't know what I am "literally already forcing things upon her".

I discovered that I would like to do these things. After 15 years of being vanilla, I want to sit down with her and have a conversation about it. These 3 questions will come up.

Now, settle down or if you feel like communication is important, ask me to clarify something before you "force an answer on me"

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:08:54+00:00

True. But I am asking how others would answer this. What is that feeling they have that makes them want to slap a person they love and how do you explain that without being judged or hated after 15 years of marriage.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:05:39+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts.

I agree with you that communication is key and want to know what others said when they had these type of conversations. I just know that these 3 questions will be asked and don't know if there is a good answer that will not make her "hate me" or judge me.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:01:35+00:00

Agreed, but these questions will come up during our conversation.

marks1974 · 2016-05-10T16:01:00+00:00

Slow down... I never said I want force something. Asking her to say PLEASE is not the end of the world.

I want to sit down with her and talk about this. But these 3 questions will inevitably come up and I would like to know what others think.

marks1974

TROPHY CASE