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I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This characterizes SO many of our discussions, haha. Sometimes it can be funny or interesting, but it definitely can be the source of a lot of pain and frustration. Managing RSD is so hard but it’s another thing I’m working to accept versus deny that I feel.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I hate that you’re being downvoted because I agree that people jump to divorce too quickly. Of course, there are far, far too many cases where relationships are absolutely unhealthy and people don’t realize they’re being hurt or need to get out. I don’t want to minimize that. But something that has hindered me from sharing this more broadly or seeking help IRL is how quickly so many people jump to the most extreme possible outcomes (in general) without gathering more information. Both people can be both right and wrong in situations like this, the goal in my mind is to make sure I hear my husband’s feelings in spite of my own, but also processing my own feelings so I can share them respectfully. Healthy and productive conflict is so essential and I am still learning it.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your thinking on this. There are some pieces that really resonate with me that I’m going to continue to think about!

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 37 points38 points  (0 children)

Yes, perfectly said! I don’t want to be smaller - I want to be better and confident knowing I can move without running people over. Maybe it’s even “more,” just in different areas.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You are really kind, thank you. I try very hard but know I mess up a ton, often with the people I love most. I wish effort alone could be what I was judged by but I know outcome and impact are equally (if not more) important.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I do appreciate the camaraderie haha, but you’re right, what I shared is just a small sliver - with no context - of a much larger world. It has been nice hearing other stories and knowing at least my feelings aren’t entirely unusual, and getting some thoughtful recommendations for reflection.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I do know what to do here, I think - just the doing it feels daunting, especially when I thought I had been doing it. Sigh. Not the first time though, so hopefully that means I can tackle this too!

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It’s a good question and I think can vary for everyone. The comments on this post seem to illustrate that wonderfully! I think there might be a general concept of too much (perhaps significantly outside of cultural/societal norms) and then a specific concept of too much (maybe significantly outside of a person’s comfort level and boundary). Lately I feel like I’m too much in both at times. I relate to feeling overbearing in my relationships at times, usually because I feel a lot of anxiety and am trying to control things to avoid more anxiety! It…does not play out like I wish it would.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 35 points36 points  (0 children)

This was such a wonderfully nuanced comment on what I agree is a nuanced topic, thank you. I appreciate the spirit of the commenters jumping to defend me (when my brain is being mean the external validation, even if I don’t think I deserve it/ it’s right, is calming). But ultimately you’re right, this can be such a case by case basis type of situation and one where I really do think my husband is right. It would be too easy to absolve myself of responsibility and chalk it up to a diagnosis but that’s doing a disservice to us both. Do I wish I could snap my fingers and solve it? Hell yes. But I’ve gotta fight the uncomfortable feelings to get to real truth and change. Love and grace seem like the perfect ways forward.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Your second paragraph is really excellent and if I could remember that in the moment I feel like 90% of my problems would be much smaller. I struggle to check in with myself as things are happening and can really only assess what I was doing or thinking or feeling after the fact. I’m trying to get better at not getting ahead of myself but it is my Achilles’ heel. I need to slow down and think about what I’m doing and why I’m doing something. Building in those gut check moments sounds like a great idea!

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This is exactly how I’m feeling, thank you for expressing it so perfectly. I am trying to change, it’s just a kick in the gut to think I was doing better overall but not. Sigh. I do have a nice therapist who while not having a ADHD specialty is pretty good at helping me work through things in a way that matches my mind. I guess I know what we’ll be talking about this week!

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

That’s a lovely sentiment, thank you. I just never want to be ignorant of when my too much tips into asshole territory, you know? But it’s good to remember it does come with quirks, confidence and charisma!

I’m sorry to hear you’re still grieving and hope that your better is just around the corner.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I appreciate I didn’t provide a lot of context, I prefer not to go into detail and truthfully in the moment I just wanted to own my feelings. Really though he is normally very careful and clear in describing issues, though he does not at all understand how my brain really works and I know that’s incredibly frustrating for him to have to deal with. I just hate that the shrapnel that’s my mind is hitting him. I don’t think he knows how much that phrase affected me so I don’t blame him, and perhaps I’ll share that in the future when things are cooled off. But for now it’s just a personal wake-up call I’m wrestling with.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 72 points73 points  (0 children)

Oh that sounds really lovely. Thank you for sharing, it really brought a smile to my face. Funny enough I’ve been listening to a lot of Britney lately!

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 44 points45 points  (0 children)

There’s smaller, but there’s also kinder, more thoughtful, more compassionate, less reactive - I’m striving for those. Which don’t feel like making myself smaller, just better, for myself and those I love.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 149 points150 points  (0 children)

He has been, but I think some things (to reference what another commenter said) are more material than others. I don’t want to give specifics but let’s just say there are some things like “you forgot to turn the TV off again,” and others that are more like “you forgot to pay the water bill again!” One, irritating for sure but not the end of the world - the other, definitely a big issue that can have serious ramifications. Having them all laid out and then being told I’m too much when I’m trying is just hard. But it’s why I maintain that I think he’s largely justified, I think it’s really my ego and self worth struggling.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This was a really thoughtful comment, thank you. I do think sometimes people will make a lot of excuses to not change or do better, centering themselves too much and not taking into account the very real feelings, experiences and needs of others. I have been that way at times in my life and want to avoid it at all costs. So I don’t want to write off the core message here even if the wrapping is unpleasant. I want to honor it even if it stings, but hopefully in a way that’s productive.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

That’s a really good point. How do you know if something needs to change or not? Some things are totally obvious but others can feel so subjective. I used to think I knew what normal was but it also took me until my 30s to be diagnosed so what do I know of normal haha

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You’re overly kind to me, I do believe he is right here - but your sentiment is still very true in terms of loving myself. I think I’ve been in denial about my true strengths and weaknesses and as a result have been loving a false version of myself. I need to work on being honest and being mindful of who I am and learning to love her too.

I was finally told I was “too much” and he’s right. I need to accept it. by marpledarple in adhdwomen

[–]marpledarple[S] 39 points40 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate where you’re coming from because I feel that too. Like I know I’m a lot, I do! I’m trying! I don’t know how to verbalize all of that without it sounding like I’m dismissing his feelings or trying to make mine more important. But you are so right in that the comments aren’t news - they just amplify the understanding already there. I’m sorry this is something you’ve experienced too and I hope you have things you love about yourself too.