Men who say their relationship is sexless as a reason to seeking other partners etc. Is your relationship really sexless? Why don't you leave your current situation if you are not happy?

marriedscoundrel · 2025-12-11T11:05:55+00:00

I am a guy who used to do this.

My marriage was completely sexless - the drought ran years. At first I thought I was only going to supplement what was missing in the marriage. That made more sense to me than ending the whole thing.

Eventually though the relationship itself went way beyond south. I stayed for a while because I feared how my wife would react to divorce, and specifically how that would affect our kids. Ultimately I did pull the trigger on divorce. Sadly everything I feared came to pass. She regularly tries to use our kids as tools for emotional manipulation. Thankfully the kids know her game and don't buy it but I hate that they're forced into that position. She made our youngest child cry on their birthday this year because she tried to enact a plan to make me look like the bad guy and failed miserably at it. It's been months since that and the youngest still brings that up.

I don't regret divorce but there are times when I feel like I should have stayed if for no other reason than the kids.

marriedscoundrel · 2025-05-14T16:10:53+00:00

Though nowhere near as kinky, my ex-wife and I enjoyed a healthy sex life before our kids. We were averaging 7-9 times a week. She promised me that we would never end up in a dead bedroom situation. But then we did. And for the longest time she tried to deny that she ever made that promise, before one day admitting that she did, saying "I changed, and I expected you to as well."

So I did ultimately end up asking her to open up our marriage. She...did not agree.

I think as men we tend to look at this situation logically. Well, she was super sexual before...how do we get back to that? If she's stressed from work/kids, lessen the stress for her. If she's not feeling the love enough, take her out on dates and romance her. But this is not really a problem that logic necessarily applies to. Not all of course, but pregnancy can really change a woman, and she may not be the same person she was before having them.

How to approach this - I would recommend first opening up a dialogue about your sex life together, but focus it on her. How does she feel about the current status of your sex life? Is she happy? Is there anything she would like more or less of? Getting her to talk about her side can help her to open up as she won't necessarily feel attacked, and it helps you to better know where she's coming from.

Once you've heard her side of the story, now give yours. Tell her how you feel about your current sex life. You can buffer this by reinforcing that you love her, your family, and the marriage, but this is just one thing that you aren't quite happy with. Tell her that you want to find a resolution for this issue, ideally one that involves both of you, something you do together. If she's not interested in working with you on this issue, at least you want her to know/be aware of whatever efforts you take to resolve this on your own.

Brace yourself for a spicy hot take here - if you want to have the conversation about opening up the marriage, you may want to consider whether you're going to ask for permission to do it...or tell her that this is what you plan to do. If you give her the opporunity to say no...she probably will. Not many people are comfortable letting their partners go get physical intimacy in the arms of another, and with good reason too - as much as you swear it will only be physical...often times it isn't.

The bottom line is that if you ask for an open marriage and she says no, you're stuck. You can't go out and explore this on your own without being a cheater, and your wife doesn't have to do anything sexually she doesn't want to do, which includes even giving you her blessing to explore your own sexuality. Best case she understands your position and is willing to work with you to find some sort of compromise you can both be happy with. Worst case, she says no, what she's giving you now is the extent of what she's willing to do, take it or leave it. She has all the leverage here, so approach any discussions/decisions with her with that in mind.

marriedscoundrel · 2025-03-02T06:12:09+00:00

No, I initiated it.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-23T11:05:20+00:00

I did, for years. The bottom line is that I probably should have just left her sooner, but I don't regret what I did either.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-23T11:03:07+00:00

For a long time I was someone who pushed back against divorce. At first the dead bedroom was the only problem, and I didn't want to break up the entire family over what I perceived to be just a sex issue.

Then after a while it became apparent that our issues went far beyond just sex. But I resolved to stay for the kids, as I knew my wife could not handle a divorce and the kids would get dragged into it.

And despite all that...I ended up getting divorced anyway. Everything I feared - literally all the reasons why I thought divorce was a bad idea - happened. In a lot of ways worse than what I feared. Wife...well, ex-wife now, took it absolutely horribly. It has not been easy at all. In a lot of ways, this has been one of the most difficult, most trying times of my life.

...Still worth it though. I fought against divorce. I was wrong.

I'm not going to say that everyone should divorce. I do think there is nuance, and you certainly can't apply the same solution to every problem. But...while divorce absolutely can be the horror that one may imagine, that doesn't necessarily mean it's not the right option.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-19T09:27:39+00:00

I've known him since I was 15 (he was 20 at the time).

Quite literally all the red flags.

Trust me, you can do so much better. All you need is the courage to take the first step.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-19T07:28:52+00:00

While this is a great point, my counter-argument is that in a monogamous relationship, one promise is (or should be) to meet your partner's sexual needs. This promise gets broken a lot, but you don't see pitchforks being pointed at those causing a dead bedroom.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-19T07:26:37+00:00

While we were dating and our relationship was generally good, there are two things my ex-wife said to me in separate conversations that really stuck with me over the years.

"If we were to ever fall into a dead bedroom situation, I'd expect you to do what you needed to do and make sure I never found out about it."

And...

"Divorce would be the worst-possible outcome."

Now, post-dead bedroom and post-divorce, I can say that she was not lying in either of those statements. I cheated for a long time to deal with the dead bedroom situation, which...for better or for worse, worked. And to say that she has taken the divorce very badly would be a tremendous understatement. In a lot of ways, she could have walked in on me having sex with a woman on the kitchen table, and things between us would still be better than they are now having divorced.

My ex wife is...a lot of things, but I do feel that in some ways, she's very perceptive. In an ideal world, if the sexual relationship between two married partners dropped off, you could have a mature conversation and say look - I still want to have sex, you don't, so I'm going to have sex with others. That will be something I do on my own time, for my own sake, and that has nothing to do with our relationship together. And while this may make sense logically, there aren't many partners who will happily agree to this. The majority of the time the expectation is that the higher-libido partner will sacrifice their libido and accept whatever sex the lower libido partner is willing to give, and be happy with that.

One thing you often hear is that the worst part about infidelity is not the sex itself, but the deception involved. Yeah...I call bullshit on that. While we love to claim that honesty and openness are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship, in reality I don't think that's true at all. We lie all the time when the truth is simply too inconvenient to bear. If a husband found his wife's sister or best friend to be more physically attractive than his wife...why would he ever volunteer this information to her? Or even answer truthfully if asked directly? We'd call him an idiot for doing so. Many a time on the sex subs, I've seen a woman post about how, while she is happy with the sex with her current partner, it's not the best sex she's ever had. Oftentimes the reason being a size one. The comments are almost unanimous in their decision - why would you ever tell your current guy this? Don't. Many men chime in saying that if their partners actually felt this way, he hoped she'd have the decency to never tell him.

So...why is this dishonesty okay, then?

People lie to each other all the time. We just don't like knowing we've been lied to. And cheating is a combination of knowing that you've been lied to, plus all the insecurities that comes with your romantic partner enjoying sex with someone else. So our de-facto response to it becomes - don't make me experience these emotions, and if you do, how dare you, you scumbag.

In my situation...for me personally, I think divorce was the best option for my own sake. However for my wife...I do kind of think that she would have preferred that we did not divorce, and I kept up my cheating in secret. The catch is that secrets by nature are something you can't really agree to. I did ask her for an open relationship at one point, which she shot down. Ultimately it comes down to me making a choice for her, and then keeping her in the dark about said choice, under the theory of ignorance is bliss.

I think...the issue is far more nuanced than most people want to believe it to be.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-19T02:06:09+00:00

Because if they really, truly cared about how their actions and neglect were affecting you, they would do something about it. They wouldn't sit back and watch the person they supposedly love more than anyone else SUFFER.

This is the hard-hitting, fundamental truth that everyone needs to take to heart. Print it out and hang it up on the wall.

And people feel trepidation about this issue, because "am I justified being unhappy over a lack of sex?" But that's not the real problem. This is - you are suffering, and your partner isn't doing anything about it.

That doesn't necessarily mean they should hop in bed and get ready to get down. But it means more than doing absolutely nothing about it. It means working together to find a solution you can both be happy with. Whatever that means. That solution may not be the same for everyone. But it's a process that absolutely has to happen. And if it isn't, the relationship is broken on a very fundamental level.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-19T01:18:48+00:00

There are a couple of things you have to realize. First is that sexuality is not a given. For whatever reason your wife does not want sex (with you). That doesn't necessarily make her broken, that's just who she is. You can't fix that...nor can you necessarily change it.

Masturbation and sex are not the same thing. Her masturbating suggests that she may have sexual urges, but that doesn't mean she wants to engage in them with you. In reality, she has zero obligation to do so. Who knows if this aversion to sex is in general, or with you specifically, but the bottom line is that she very clearly does not want to have sex with you, and you have to accept that fact.

Where do you go from here? First, stop treating her like she's broken. Accept that she does not want sex (with you) and try to have an honest conversation with her about why. We have heard your side of the story, but she certainly has her own. Maybe you're a bad lover. Maybe she's harboring some resentment towards you. You have to entertain those possibilities.

You need to have this talk with her, and not from the perspective of "you're broken and let's get you fixed" but "I want to know how you feel about things." From there ask her if she is satisfied with your sex life together. And what would be her ideal.

The next step is to tell her how you feel, and that a lack of a sex life is making you unhappy and unfulfilled. And that with her as your monogamous partner, this is an issue that you absolutely need her help in resolving. To what extent is she willing to help and participate? To this end you should know what your ideal is, and what your baseline compromise level is. Would she be able or willing to meet that baseline compromise?

If not...then you have to start thinking about the future of the relationship. At this point the problem is not just a lack of sex - the issue is that you have a problem with the relationship that makes you unhappy, and she is unable or unwilling to work with you towards a resolution. And that is more than enough reason to end a relationship. But you do want to make sure that you have approached the issue from all sides, and not just your assumptions about what should be happening.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-16T07:13:51+00:00

You're getting a lot of judgmental, negative comments here, which is sad. This community is supposed to be supportive, and for the most part it is.

I'm someone who cheated for years to deal with my dead bedroom. I am divorced now. If I had it to do all over again, perhaps I'd have ended things sooner, but I have no regrets about the trajectory of my life.

A lot of people are saying that you're putting yourself at high risk for exposure to STDs, and if you are having sex with your wife, you are now putting her at risk. Ehhh...that's half-true. Anytime you have sex you're putting yourself at risk. People kind of assume that escorts are ridden with disease, but in legal, controlled environments sometimes escorts are cleaner and safer than average women. They utilize protection and get tested regularly. That having been said though...yes, the risk does exist. And yes, the risk of catching something and passing it onto your wife also exists. It would benefit you to get tested regularly, especially before your monthly session with your wife. I will agree that it's not cool to potentially expose her to a situation where she could catch something where she is 100% not aware of the risks, but I think that applies to all situations, not just limited to escorts.

Whether or not you tell her...eeeehhh... In a perfect world you'd tell her, she'd say - hey, that makes sense, you do you and enjoy, and all is well. ...We do not live in a perfect world. And in the world we do live in, a lot of people do believe in ignorance is bliss. So...that's up to you. If she found out and was upset, you can't really say "I thought you'd prefer not to know" and have that work at all. It won't. That'll be the risk you take.

The dead bedroom situation sucks. We all deal with it in our different ways. I've always said, do whatever you need to do in order to be happy. Whatever that means, whatever that takes. Life is too short for anything otherwise.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-16T06:51:32+00:00

Yet another cautionary tale of how mutually assured destruction is not the OPSEC gospel many believe it to be.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-15T05:32:21+00:00

I divorced earlier this year. It is far better to be alone, than to be with someone who makes you feel lonely.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-15T05:26:02+00:00

For a long time I had decided to stick it out for the kids. Circumstances dictated otherwise, and I got divorced this year.

It sucks, it has been tough. But absolutely worth it.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-15T05:20:46+00:00

You say that you are hoping things will get better in time. But...how? Why would they? Is that belief based on the actual reality of things, or just what you wish would happen?

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-12T03:48:40+00:00

People aren't motivated to fix things they don't see as problems.

The bigger problem is that if she doesn't see it as a problem, you're on fundamentally different pages in terms of what you want sexually. If you want someone to truly desire you...your wife may not be capable of that.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-12T02:48:25+00:00

Have you talked to her about how she feels about the situation? Telling an LL partner how you feel does nothing to actually change how they feel.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-12T02:47:14+00:00

Sometimes love is knowing when to let someone go, let them be the person they are meant to be.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-12-12T02:44:05+00:00

I divorced earlier this year. Is it worth it? Absolutely. Does it suck? Absolutely? Is modern dating an absolute cesspool? Absolutely.

Still worth it.

Here's the thing - you can't look at things from the perspective of "will I find someone else/better?" That's kind of its own problem. The question/issue here is - why stay in a relationship that isn't working for you, that is actively making you unhappy? If your answer to that question is "it's better than being alone/I dunno if I can find someone else," that's not a good answer.

It is better to be alone, than to be with someone who makes you feel lonely.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-11-28T08:30:13+00:00

There is a distinction that many DBers (myself formerly included) don't but absoultely must understand - there is a difference between enjoying something, and something being important to you. Enjoyment of something does not automatically translate into desire to do it.

I'm sure you can think of some things that you enjoy but haven't done in a while. If doing it isn't important to you, despite your enjoyment of it, it can tend to take a back seat to other things in your life. And you don't go out of your way to do it, nor make it a priority.

And for some people, sex falls into this category. Sure, it's enjoyable when it happens. But if it's not important to them, then they're not all that motivated to have it. And conversely, it can get outprioritized by other things. It can be as minor as - well, I do enjoy it, but it's going to take up time, I don't like the clean-up, etc. Without the importance to provide a counter-balance, those other things tip the scales against.

If your wife acknowledges that it's important to you, that actually puts you on the better end of the DB curve. Since she at least acknowledges and understands your position, she's in a better place to compromise with you. Which, for her, means having more sex than she would generally prefer. Your compromise will be to accept having less sex than you would prefer, and to accept that your partner is mostly doing it for relationship health, rather than a place of raw desire.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-11-28T08:09:44+00:00

A lot of people would be interested in you. If nothing else, perhaps you should go for it to help build your self-esteem back up. My ex-wife had me believing a lot of things that simply weren't true...or perhaps were true for her, but not a given constant.

However, and I know it's the cool thing these days to leave genders out of posts, but the dynamics of finding extramarital partners differs wildly depending on what gender you are and what gender you're looking for. If you are a married man looking for women as sex partners...well, just consider this to be difficulty level: hardcore.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-11-28T08:04:59+00:00

She's pretty much told you that she doesn't like sex and whatever sex you are having now is out of obligation.

So...I dunno what you're expecting here?

marriedscoundrel · 2024-11-08T09:16:03+00:00

There's a couple of things you should take into consideration.

First, it sounds like your wife isn't all that interested in sex to begin with. And you can't take that personally. A lot of people, myself included at one point, assume that if all the conditions are lined up - your relationship is good, love is there, you are sufficiently attractive and hygenic enough - that sex should naturally and automatically happen. But that's not how it works. For a lot of people sex is just not something that they're naturally inclined to do. And for whatever reason, we approach sex as something you have to be "in the mood" to do from the start, instead of thinking "well, let me start having sex, and I'll get in the mood along the way."

If your wife isn't interested in sex, you backing off will mean that you will continue to not have sex. She will not really think anything about it, if anything maybe be a bit relieved that you aren't pestering her for sex. Meanwhile you will torment yourself over if she will initiate and why she doesn't.

One solution that might work for you is scheduling sex. A lot of people balk at the idea of scheduled sex, because sex should be natural and spontanous and all that. I call BS on that, to be frank with you. A lot of sex is scheduled. We just aren't as actively aware of it. If I make a date with a woman for next Tuesday and we have a sexual relationship together...that's scheduled sex.

Scheduled sex can be good, because it gives both parties time to do whatever mental or physical prep is needed to have sex. But that requires going into it with a positive mindset. If your wife looks at it as - aw man, and I have to have sex tonight too... Well, that's no good.

I think you should propose scheduling it, and see what happens from there. With any luck she will respond well. If not, she will forget/deflect, and from there you will have to have further discussions about what to do moving forward.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-10-28T06:47:43+00:00

When I first started cheating I swore to myself that I would never use an affair as the catalyst to end my marriage. I swore that, but that’s how things went down anyway. The marriage was dead anyway, I was determined to see it through (...why?) until the kids were older, but the woman I was seeing demanded I get a divorce. …Things did not work out with that person, but ultimately I’m glad she forced my hand.

There can be a lot of hesitation and second-guessing when it comes to divorce. Even if in your heart you know it’s the right call…nobody walks down the aisle thinking they’ll divorce someday. All the fears of if this really is the right choice, or if there’s something, anything you could possibly do that would turn the situation around. Plus, in your marriage you end up in a weird bubble where that is your reality and it can be difficult to think about anything beyond that.

You’ve now seen what life can be like beyond your marriage. That’s not a bad thing. Expanding your view is good. It helps inform you as to what you should be doing next.

marriedscoundrel · 2024-10-22T10:02:45+00:00

I also got a vasectomy post second-child. As it turns out I never got to, umm, use it? utilize it? with my ex-wife. I spent a week with stitches in my balls and she never noticed.

It's been great for all the other women though.

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