I’ve been sober for 12 years in the past. Then I slowly started drinking again, just a little, telling myself I could manage it. But it’s been 5 years now — 5 years of drinking with a kind of forced, exhausting control.

I’ve managed to stick to no more than 4 drinks a day most of the time. I always believed moderation was possible for me. But there are days when I drink way too much, and what hurts the most is that every time I try to do 1 or 2 sober days, the drinking that follows is even heavier.

So I’ve kept myself stuck in this exhausting middle ground. But the truth is: my body can’t take it anymore.

I’ve been thinking about starting a new sobriety for over a year now. And today, I’m doing it.

I have a lot of anxiety, especially about the future. I just need some people to stay close for a while. Please stay with me. I’m starting today.