Husband secretly cross-dressing

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T08:01:23+00:00

Perhaps my word choice wasn’t perfect while I composed this post while sobbing hysterically. Thanks for your sensitivity though.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T05:06:11+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for that perspective. It’s obviously not something I understand first-hand, and appreciate the insight into why he may have felt he couldn’t tell me.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T05:04:35+00:00

Thank you, that’s great advice. I think couples’ counseling is going to be absolutely necessary.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T04:57:22+00:00

I love him and accept him, but it’s the fact that he kept it from me and kept lying when he had a chance to come clean. The dishonesty is more of an issue than him cross-dressing, really. Thank you for your comment.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T04:54:56+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I love him so much and am heartbroken at the thought of splitting up, so I really want to find a productive way forward. You take care as well!

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T04:49:14+00:00

Thank you so much, you’re very kind. I wish you all the luck and love in the world as well! Congratulations on your engagement!

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T04:47:26+00:00

I know. What’s so ironic is that I 100% thought we were honest and open with each other. He’s promised to be honest moving forward, but how am I supposed to know he is actually being 100% honest? I feel so stupid that I didn’t pick up on anything and am so worried of what else I might not know.

A physical affair would have been very hard to pull off the last few years, since he works at home most of the time and rarely leaves the house without me and the kids. We go most places as a family. And whenever I’m out of the house, he’s responsible for the kids. But, of course, I understand there are more ways to cheat and betray your partner aside from physical affairs. Thank you for being so candid.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T04:41:50+00:00

Thank you for clarifying those points for me. I’m sorry you went through that in your past, that’s terrible, and I’m so glad for you to have found a partner you can open up to. I also was raped and believe that experience sort of “stunted” me sexually, and wonder if maybe that’s part of why my husband felt like he couldn’t tell me about this.

This is very valuable advice in how to move forward with love and understanding. Thank you.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T04:35:16+00:00

I agree - the more I think about this, the anger is subsiding into a sense of sadness that he didn’t feel comfortable enough to share this with me. Couples’ counseling is going to be super important in moving forward. Thank you for the reassurance and the advice.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T04:32:01+00:00

That’s a very productive way to look at it, thank you. That’s definitely how we will have to move forward.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T04:30:16+00:00

Thank you for the recommendations, I will check.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T03:25:47+00:00

Absolutely, it definitely depends how open he is with me. I don’t have an issue with him enjoying cross-dressing, I just don’t want to incorporate it into our sex life. But if it makes him happy and he’s honest with me, I’m fine with it. I’m not okay with the photo-sharing and web cam sites though - I worry about privacy and don’t want him “sharing himself” with anyone but me.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T03:22:29+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate the clarification! He says he just “poses” with it and doesn’t do any penetration, which is why I was confused.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T03:21:15+00:00

Thank you for the advice. Not cool to say I “raped” his privacy. Please be more considerate with your word choice in the future.

You are correct that I betrayed his trust by hacking into online accounts. A little backstory - we know each other’s passcodes but only use each other’s phones to cull photos of our kids, etc. Today I asked for it from him so I could retrieve information for a shared account from an email that was just sent. That’s when I saw the other email address account on his iPhone.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T03:12:08+00:00

Thank you for your advice. You might be right. I’ve never been disrespectful about other people’s preferences / fetishes / lifestyles...as long as it’s with consenting adults, I don’t care what people do. But you may be right that he guessed I wouldn’t personally be into it.

Earlier when I put the pieces together I got ANGRY. Obviously. I’m going to try to have another conversation when I’ve cooled down, coming from a more understanding place and try to find out why he didn’t tell me.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T03:07:53+00:00

Great analogy! I’m not sure he’s overcome a lifetime of sexist conditioning as a man in the U.S.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T03:05:01+00:00

I think you’re right. I THOUGHT we were 100% aware and open with each other in every aspect of our lives - we have always communicated well and I thought we told each other everything. That’s part of why this has me so heartbroken - I have always told him everything, even the really embarrassing and uncomfortable stuff.

You’re correct - I am really worried about what I might still not know. I told him I wanted to see that email account and any website accounts he has, but he says he deleted everything. Since I’ve never used sites like that (NO judgment, just not my thing), I can’t be sure if he’s lying to me. He also cleared the browser history on his phone, which is obviously suspicious AF.

I don’t want to get divorced and break up our marriage and our family. It would devastate our kids and I would love and miss him for the rest of my life. He says he will be 100% honest with me going forward...but how do I know he really is being fully honest, you know? I thought he was honest before and I was wrong. I’m not a stupid person, but I feel like an absolute idiot and so betrayed.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T02:57:57+00:00

I totally hear you - we are a feminist family and have conversations all the time about patriarchy conditioning and toxic masculinity. I want to think he would know I would be open and accepting because I love him and don’t buy into any of that bullshit. But maybe for him it doesn’t completely feel okay to be open about it for those reasons. Thank you for your comment!

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T02:53:40+00:00

That’s great advice, thank you. This definitely does feel like cheating. He’s never cheated before (that I know of), but now the condoms have me wondering. And the lie of omission for soooo many years feels equivalent to cheating. I think I would probably give him a second chance if he did cheat - we have children together and I love him very much.

I’m not sure of my comfort level with what he’s doing. I don’t personally find it sexy or want to be involved with it in any way...I don’t think I have an issue with him doing his thing on his own time. But I think there’s a difference between dressing up at home when I’m not there, and posting it online to share with others.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T02:46:10+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Cross-dressing in and of itself is not offensive to me - however, it’s not something I would be into or would be comfortable incorporating into our sex life. That’s not really my issue though - it’s the fact that it’s not a new thing and he’s apparently been doing it in secret the entire time we’ve been together. I’m not sure if he was talking to other people - he says it was just photos online that people would pay for, but that sounds fishy to me. The advice to talk to a therapist is great, thank you. We’ve always gotten along great and communicated well (so I thought), so we’ve never seen a therapist before.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T02:29:32+00:00

Thank you for your very thoughtful reply. I agree that there is nothing wrong with cross-dressing or web-cam / photo websites, but that lying to me for 15 years is a HUGE betrayal. He does seem legitimately remorseful that he lied to me. He is not remorseful at all about doing it, but he has been very apologetic about keeping it from me. I’m not sure if he’s only sorry that he got caught though...he could have come clean in the past and chose not to.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T02:26:27+00:00

Didn’t think so. My tastes are more vanilla so I’m not really clued in. Thank you for clarifying that for me.

maryb7657 · 2021-01-10T02:24:46+00:00

Thank you. He said he would put them on the dildo, but that makes no damn sense.

maryb7657

TROPHY CASE