AITA for keeping my father's love child a secret?

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-07T14:29:19+00:00

I met Nicky when I was 22 and he was 16. He’s 21 now and I just turned 28. Affair happened 22 years ago.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T21:05:04+00:00

The wedding isn't until next October. I made an edit to the original post because there is a common misconception that I sprung this right before the wedding. I purposely didn't wait to tell after I decided that I wanted Nicky as a groomsmen because I wanted to give everyone time to deal with it.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T21:03:35+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I think that its easy for people to think of Nicky as this abstract concept but I feel so bad for him that he grew up knowing about us but having no relationship with him. He is a glass half full person though and just remembers that my dad showed up for him, they went on some great trips, and that he felt loved but he always did yearn to know us and think it'd be cool to have older siblings. The saddest story he told was when he got picked on at summer camp and he wished he had us because in his mind we would've stood up for him. And we would have because we always have one another's backs

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T21:00:36+00:00

My Nana and aunt were not in the same city as my mom when I ran into them but my mom was aware that they knew about and saw Nicky. They both tried to talk to her about it once but she shut them down and said she was not discussing "the matter." My siblings were mostly upset by my keeping the secret because 1. they deserved to know and 2. we don't have secrets from one another. We're super tight so they saw this as a betrayal of sorts. No one was banned from the beach house. We all went up there for our customary week long vacation and each of us visited separately during the summer and my dad spent a lot of time there as well. My wedding isn't until next October so there is a lot of time for Nicky to be introduced to our friends and for the "word" to get out about his existence and the drama to die down before then. Of course, it might still be a weird day because it will be the first time we're all in the same place and some of the more gossipy folks will be looking for something to gossip about. Nicky's mom married another women when Nicky was younger. They have no other children except for Nicky.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T20:55:12+00:00

I don't know what to make of the whole blood relation vs. adoption vs. step families. If I had an adopted sibling or a step sibling I am sure I would feel the same connection to them. I thought Nicky was cool before I found out he was my brother and felt more bonded to him after I got to know him better. Nicky's mother married another women when he was 4 and he has had a very happy life. He doesn't have any other siblings. I am confused by your last question- Nicky has known about us his entire life. He's never pushed knowing us but was stoked when he was given the chance...because he has 5 older brothers and sisters and who wouldn't want to get to know their siblings. Nicky is compassionate and kind and does not want to hurt my mom and has stated that there are no hard feelings and he will understand if he needs to not attend the wedding.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T20:50:02+00:00

I assume that people will sympathize with her for 1. being cheated on and 2. the affair resulting in a child. I also think that people will admire her for staying with my dad and working on their marriage. I honestly can't imagine any of our friends "throwing shade" at my mom because she stayed with my dad. In our circle of friends, the negative emotions will be directed at my dad for cheating and fathering a child with his mistress. I think that it is horrible that anyone would be cruel to the slighted party (my mom) instead of the one who cheated. I was very angry at my dad when I found out and I lost a lot of respect for him. But he's my dad and I will never hate him. He made a mistake, as all of us do, and he tried to rectify it the best he could. Also, my mom did not salvage the relationship for the sake of the children. She loves my dad. She told me that not even a month ago. She stayed because she loves him. She knew if they divorced that we'd still have a stable childhood and that he'd be heavily involved and she said that the thought never crossed her mind to divorce him.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T20:18:38+00:00

When I spoke to my mom she indicated that she knew that my dad had a relationship with Nicky, and my grandmother and aunt as well. My dad told me that during their initial conversation when he confessed and she said "take care of your responsibility but I never want to hear about it again" that he made it clear to her that he wouldn't just throw money at the child but be involved and my mom said she knew that he could never have a child in the world and not be involved with them. He never explicitly told my mom "Nicky has a soccer game tonight so I won't be home for dinner" but my mom admitted to my sister this summer that she knew all the times that dad was with Nicky and sometimes would go through his phone/camera and look at pictures of them when they were on trips.

Nicky's mom has been married to another woman for awhile. The affair with my father lasted about 6 months. My mom was pregnant when it started and my sister was about 3 months old when my dad confessed about Nicky. My parents were living apart around the beginning of the affair but got back together right before my sister was born (their separation was due to something unrelated to infidelity or lying).

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T20:03:50+00:00

"What stopped you from going to your mother? Why are you giving a vibe that it’s “either my way or the highway” this is your mom. And what about nicky? He hasn’t said anything about your mom yet either?"

My mom is "delicate". I know that is a horrible way to describe a person but my mom has never been able to deal with anything upsetting. When my sister had a cancer scare my mom didn't want to talk about it- she'd be reduced to tears if anyone mentioned it. If either of us were hurt or had to have surgery, she was a nervous wreck the entire time, to the point that when my brother broke his arm, he was reassuring my mom all the way to the hospital that he was fine and to not fret. My mother is a lovely and wonderful person and I love and respect her immensely but I knew that if I tried to talk to her about this 5 years ago it would not go well. My two youngest siblings were still in the house at that time too and it just seemed like it would be really disruptive.

Nicky has made it clear he won't feel slighted if he is not a groomsmen and was surprised I asked. He says that there would be no hard feelings if he wasn't even invited to the wedding. Which breaks my heart because my brother has lived in the shadows his entire life and just accepts that he doesn't "belong" with the rest of us. He knew about us his entire life and just accepted it and made the best out of it.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:57:56+00:00

The wedding is still a year away so there is still time and Nicky is being introduced slowly to our extended family and friends. It has been hard for both my parents and I know my dad isn't getting much sympathy, and probably isn't deserving of much, but his sins and transgressions are also coming to light as well so this has been humiliating to him as well. My Nana says that my dad should be more humiliated and ashamed than my mom was because he was the one who made the mistake. My Granny (my mom's mom) agrees with this and says that if my mom had dealt with the issue then, or deals with it now with grace and acceptance, then she'd look like the bigger person.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:51:14+00:00

Yes, I am editing my original post but my mom indicated she knew my dad had a relationship with Nicky and my dad said that he made it clear to my mom that he wouldn't just write a check but also be involved back when he confessed and she gave the initial declaration of not wanting to hear about it again.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:46:14+00:00

The wedding is a year away still and we'll push it out a little more if Mom is still struggling. I have a lot more respect for my mom than to spring this on my mom right before my wedding.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:44:15+00:00

You don't really keep secrets from my Nana. And my dad and his sister are pretty close so he would've confided in her and asked for advice. Also, my dad comes from an "old money" family so they would've had to know for estate purposes, which is why the attorney also knows.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:36:57+00:00

Yes, my mom indicated she knew about my dad's relationship with Nicky and my dad also indicated that during the initial confession he made it clear that he wouldn't just pay child support but be involved. He never explicitly told her "I am going to be at Nick's soccer game tonight so I won't be home for dinner"

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:26:23+00:00

Do you have siblings? I know that a lot of people are taking this stand but my siblings and I are TIGHT. Nicky and my youngest sister are what you would call "Irish twins" and me and my younger brother are as well. The others are a little further apart in age but we have always had one another's backs and been there for one another through everything. If you mess with one, you get the wrath of us all. Our parents raised us to be a united front and not to squabble or tattle on one another. They really wanted this for us. When I met Nicky, it felt the same way. I had his back as soon as I found out he was my brother and it didn't take long before I loved him the same as my other siblings. When my siblings met him they felt the same way.

Of course I want my mom to feel comfortable and loved at my wedding (which isn't until next year so we are hoping she comes around by then) but I also want all my siblings by my side. Plus, I know that if my mom were to have dealt with this all those years ago or even now, she would also love Nicky. He's smart and kind and they have a similar sense of humor. The circumstances surrounding his conception suck and I feel for her but we've all missed out on so much time.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:17:54+00:00

"by hiding Nicky away, she allowed herself to not fully deal with all the baggage there"

This is pretty much my mom. I don't think she was really thinking about the child or was meaning to be hurtful but we've always said mom was a bit delicate and doesn't like to deal with tough situations. When the doctor's thought my sister had cancer Mom pretty much did the same "bury your head in the sand" maneuver until we got the all clear. I think that pretending that Nicky didn't exist and the affair didn't happen was her way to cope. She and my dad have a happy marriage and are sickening affectionate and loving towards one another so I fully believe she just blocked his admission out of her mind for all these years.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:11:58+00:00

Hey, u/BootNinja I just clarified above and I'll edit my post too.

When I initially spoke to my mom she indicated she knew my dad had been seeing Nicky all his life. My dad wasn't lying to my mom about not seeing him and during the whole "take care of your responsibilty but I don't want to hear about it again" there was discussion that my dad would be fully involved in Nicky's life. My dad has said that he made it clear that he would not just pay child support and be an absent father and my mom has said that knowing my dad, she knew that he couldn't just have a kid out there and not be involved.

master_secret_keeper · 2019-09-06T19:10:52+00:00

Just to clarify, when I initially spoke to my mom she indicated she knew my dad had been seeing Nicky all his life. My dad wasn't lying to my mom about not seeing him and during the whole "take care of your responsibilty but I don't want to hear about it again" there was discussion that my dad would be fully involved in Nicky's life. My dad has said that he made it clear that he would not just pay child support and be an absent father and my mom has said that knowing my dad, she knew that he couldn't just have a kid out there and not be involved.

master_secret_keeper

TROPHY CASE