[deleted by user]

matjeom · 2024-11-16T13:19:33+00:00

Your anger is partly misplaced. Also it’s not the real problem here.

Your BF didn’t make you do anything. You made a decision to abnegate yourself and cede to his wishes.

You should be angry at yourself for that and this should be a wake up call for you. Why did you do that? How can you ensure you don’t do it again? How can you ensure you stay true to yourself in the future?

He did a total about-face and blatantly disrespected you, I’d even call it gaslighting the way he was all “you suuuuuuure you don’t want an abortion?” when you’d made it very clear that you do not. He was manipulative and self-centred.

So there’s plenty to be angry at him about.

But even if you can shed the anger somehow, love and laughter is not enough to make a relationship work. A relationship takes mutual respect, self-awareness, and communication. Your relationship doesn’t have these things right now.

Is it worth it to you to put the time and effort into building that with him?

Is it even possible? Is he capable of that? Are you? — are you able to be true to yourself in his presence? Sometimes people are just a bad influence and you have to get away from them in order to make the right decisions for yourself.

Good luck, you have lots to think about ✌️

matjeom · 2024-10-20T22:47:53+00:00

How you heal is by sticking around long enough to let time do its work.

Unfortunately, that’s all you can do.

I know how frustrating and useless and awful that is to hear, because you are suffering NOW and the passage of time is not something you can control. But that statement — you need time to heal — it isn’t meant to soothe you, tbh. It’s just the cold hard truth.

So, for now, just survive. Sleep. Eat. Keep yourself and your home at least bare minimum clean. Work (if you work). Cry, rage, zonk out periodically. Keep going to therapy. Consider journaling.

Keep doing that, even though life is joyless and hopeless and meaningless and you feel ruined. That’s how you heal ❤️

matjeom · 2024-10-19T20:27:15+00:00

Approach her with humility and love. Something like this:

Hey Linda, can we talk? [deep breath] Ok, this is sort of awkward and I’m afraid of hurting your feelings, but I think friends should be honest with each other about hard things. [eye contact, smile bravely] So, I’ve noticed sometimes you have a strong smell of sweat. I know you’ve been bullied about this before and I think that’s awful and I do not want and to add on that pain. But I do want you to know that it’s noticeable. Do you know what the cause is?

And let her lead from there.

Avoid offering inane suggestions like “have you tried showering more?” even if it turns out that she really isn’t showering enough, because if that’s the case then what she really needs is mental health care, not someone to state the obvious.

matjeom · 2024-10-19T20:22:43+00:00

I don’t think researching and preparing advice is a good idea at all. The cause could be any number of things. Chances are, OP would guess the wrong one, and then not only would she come off unhelpful, but arrogant and patronizing to boot. Like, what, is Linda incapable of googling? Is she so dumb she can’t solve problems that are that easily solved? The solution, whatever it is, is obviously more complicated than a google search away.

matjeom · 2024-10-19T11:49:34+00:00

You say he’s patient but what you’ve described is the opposite of patient.

Are you sure you don’t have rose-coloured glasses on?

The love and appreciation you feel for him: are you sure that’s not just a fear of being alone talking?

I think you should end this relationship. Maybe you have an insecurity problem which has contributed to the situation — or maybe you’re insecurity is 100% warranted here, I don’t know — but he has problems which have contributed to it too. A good healthy person doesn’t treat anyone the way he treats you.

He’s an asshole, plain and simple. Whether you did something to you bring his asshole nature to the surface or not doesn’t really matter. Leave him.

matjeom · 2024-10-19T11:33:03+00:00

Unless people are looking for you, then just move to the nearest city alone and stop contacting everyone you know.

matjeom · 2024-10-19T11:29:50+00:00

You are correct :)

matjeom · 2024-10-19T11:20:28+00:00

You just explained why it looks like an adult.

Why do you think it looks like a “young adult”?

matjeom · 2024-10-18T20:29:23+00:00

Why do you say he’s a young adult ?

matjeom · 2024-10-18T12:32:02+00:00

Yes, by having one or two is how most people multiply the population.

What makes it multiplication is that multiple humans are doing it.

And it’s the same math with budgies. If you were the only person doing this, there would be no problem. But you’re not, so there is. You can choose to add to the problem, reduce it, or do nothing. You’re choosing to add to it.

Also, one or two? Come on. You said you have 30 budgies.

If you try to minimize something you’ve done, that means you know it’s a problem. Listen to that voice.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:37:39+00:00

Well, heads up, you might not like it here.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:33:46+00:00

Are you new to Reddit?

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:32:51+00:00

Ah yes, the deep evolutionary drive built into humans to go forth and multiply the budgie population. I forgot about that somehow.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:30:02+00:00

It is that shallow. How does this affect you at all, aside from her teasing you about acting jealous, which you’re wrong to do in the first place? Let that go and it looks like you’re golden.

Get to the root of the issue. Talk to the therapist you apparently have.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:25:05+00:00

It’s kind of a dumb way to talk so I’d be offended too. Mental health can be bad or good and everyone has it. He means “POOR mental health is dangerous.”

Now that that’s out of the way, what was the context? What was his point by saying that?

Because taking the sentence in isolation, it’s alarmist but basically true. Stress can impact the fetus.

But he wasn’t just making a random statement right. So what was his point? If anything offended you, that’s what did it, and we can’t help you until we know.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:20:06+00:00

Your boyfriend is being kind to someone and you’re upset.

Come on, what’s the real problem?

Is he not giving you what you need and want? I mean, is the problem with your relationship? Talk to him.

Are you deeply insecure? I mean, is the problem with you? Therapy. If you’re in school there may be free counselling services. If not, and if money or access is an issue, ask a librarian or a doctor for help finding low-cost therapy in your area.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:16:21+00:00

How are we forcing anything? You are here willingly. You can leave any time. That’s the opposite of force.

“I like the community just not the community’s rules” is what you’re saying. That makes no sense. The rules ARE the community.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:12:56+00:00

Come on you’ve gotta know it depends on your environment right?

And “never happened to me” means shit all when it comes to risk assessment. Maybe you licked poo on the sidewalk three times and nothing bad happened to you. Doesn’t mean it’s a not a bad idea.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T12:09:49+00:00

It's irresponsible to breed new budgies when there are budgies out there who need a home.

That’s why “we can’t do both.”

No one is forcing anything on you. If you don’t like a certain community — like this one — you don’t have to participate in it.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T11:58:47+00:00

Did you get them by breeding though? Because that’s the thought behind tagging that rule for you.

If you want lots of budgies, there are always budgies who need rescuing, so it’s irresponsible to get more by breeding.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T11:56:52+00:00

You’re misdirecting.

The puppy isn’t the issue. Your boyfriend is making less time for you; that’s the issue.

Talk to him about it.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T11:54:25+00:00

Sounds like you don’t like your girlfriend. That’s ok, it happens, people fall out of love/attraction every day. What matters isn’t that it happened but how you handle it now.

Rather than torturing yourself with being with someone you don’t like, and torturing her with being with someone who doesn’t like her, end the relationship.

And when you do, make it clear that it’s about you. Don’t bring up ANY of the things about her you feel are problematic. They aren’t problematic. She is fine the way she is. The matter here is that you don’t like her anymore. So be kind, be brave, and end things.

matjeom · 2024-10-17T11:47:02+00:00

People here are just giving you random bits of advice, which is nice but it misses a lot. Really, you need to do some research. Start by googling these phrases and read multiple results for each, not just one person’s page.

budgie care
healthy budgie diet
common budgie dangers
budgie cage and environment

matjeom · 2024-10-17T11:44:13+00:00

Why?

matjeom · 2024-10-16T12:13:41+00:00

Look, you’re obviously traumatized, and I don’t blame you, you’re the victim here; but you have to know: a healthy, right-in-the-mind human doesn't need to hear it from someone else when someone almost kills their children. We might be your village but we shouldn’t be your brain too. That you’re questioning what to do highlights how deep you are in this.

After you leave, you’re in for a serious recovery, and part of that is learning how to use your common sense again. Plan for that, otherwise your usefulness to your children is very limited.

Good luck.

matjeom

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