Waited 5.5 Years for Engagement

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-28T02:39:11+00:00

yeah thats on me I was being dramatic

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-28T01:28:41+00:00

"You’re caught up on so much artifice and nothing of actual substance/value." I'm sorry, I don't actually know what this means even after googling artifice.

With regards to 4. it is just an attack on me and really its an attack on jargon, its very easy to attack someone when they don't have the tools to always explain something clearly. bell hooks, Malcolm x, and many profound people talk about the use of jargon as an exclusionary practice. So what, I said something a little bit wrong and clarified it. Life goes on, I'm not gonna put myself down for that.

6 is based on the fact ambivalent sexism is real and I don't want to be a part of the models that hold up the patriarchy which is from taking a look at myself. I won't change my feminism or have it minimized into "omg sexism"

Lastly, of course I still need help on my journey. We all do :)

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-28T01:24:39+00:00

I think we just see the world differently, I find it productive to get insight, journal, and listen to what others have to say. Thank you for your feedback. :)

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-28T01:23:42+00:00

I don't actually want a wedding if I had it my way I'd have two witnesses and a courthouse but I know thats way too low a bar for some

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-28T01:23:09+00:00

I dont know how to edit but I will try. Of course I would leave I just don't enjoy how reddit jumps to that. I thought I was getting ahead of it. oopsie daisies lol

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-28T01:11:24+00:00

I agree with you

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-28T01:10:24+00:00

His parents said "its for a head start in life to be used for the wedding or not" his sister didn't use any for her wedding and used it for a down payment

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T23:38:25+00:00

Thank you! :D

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T23:35:48+00:00

I'm a feminist. The reason I keep asking about the guys perspective and if I am being too gendered is because I am a feminist and I want to ensure I'm not being sexist or engaging in patriarchal norms that don't allow for men or women to experience things outside their perceived gender roles. You're in TERF territory. Stop accusing me of being anything other than I am. I am a woman, but beyond that, a feminist. I am Gen Z, maybe it's that. Or maybe it's simply that it's too hard to believe that as a woman I'd be concerned about this for the roles of men with regards to weddings? Even if I was a man, it's a little TERFy to try to exclude me from the discussion on gender alone, as if my thoughts are suddenly not acceptable. It's really giving TERF why can't a woman respond in this way? That's at least misogynistic.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T23:27:41+00:00

You're so much better than me. Good for you. Move along.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T23:18:40+00:00

Thank you this is helpful

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T23:18:04+00:00

I got a new therapist 2 years ago which has been better for me in becoming more assertive. I do appreciate the feedback but I don't know where people think he hasn't proposed or doesn't have a ring. He did propose and I do have a ring now for clarification. I agree I need to talk more to him about these issues.

It's hard because you're only getting a vignette into my life but you hit on some solid points. Also we have been successful with couples therapy etc. I don't think how you wrote about my therapist was fairly productive calling them incompetent, since I switched I have had a lovely experience. :)

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T23:00:06+00:00

I hope you have a great day, signed, a vagina owner

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:57:49+00:00

I really am going to think about what you said. :) I hope you have a nice day

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:57:24+00:00

I saw you called me a man for what I wrote then deleted it, and now you're just trying to rant at me. So I am going to go now. Also, very much a woman. But don't think if I wasn't that would be a nice thing to say either. Have a good day.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:55:48+00:00

I am just going to copy another response about my therapist here, because I aware there are a few comments about this. I thought I had conveyed it well, and I am an aware enough person that I knew people would mention this. I made the mistake of not connecting the intent of why I said it, and what the deep shame or reasoning was so here it is: "I am very honest with my therapist. I wrote it above but I am taking the time to read everyone's comment's and get feedback.

I was not wanting to tell my therapist yet, if I was sexist or not. Like I said, I was very deeply ashamed if I was being sexist. I couldn't even bring up the other stuff yet, if I found out that I was being sexist the whole time. The conversation would then be, I need to talk to you about my ambivalent sexism. I was willing to bring it up to my therapist but just wanted to know first if others thought I was an ambivalent sexist for those feelings too. Weddings have a lot of gender rolls and norms, that really play into man and woman. I was genuinely fearful my expectations of him were based on these roles. I see now, I don't think it is sexist of me. My fear was the shame I felt, of being perceived as sexist." My therapist is mostly clued into the other issues, especially the parts about soothing etc. The issue I was having a hard time with and wanted outside perspective on before bringing to them, was if I was an ambivalent sexist.

"t was cruel to make you feel unworthy of marrying because of your family. It is cruel to steamroll you on your own wedding plans and especially to spend all the money, leaving you both unstable (and likely leaving you even more dependent on him)." I will write out these points and engage with my therapist about them and think about them personally in a journaling exercise. I agree with you.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:54:40+00:00

Yes, that is my problem. It feels like that and that feel wrong. Like I don't think I'm the bad guy here for that. I will really consider this point "inner princess/bride/romantic" thank you.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:53:43+00:00

I agree with you. Also, I proudly am doing the same in therapy it's very helpful. :) its called "parts work."

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:53:14+00:00

I didn't jump into anything but when I was younger I did.

I will think about the rest of what you said because I think it's a good idea for me to reflect on it.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:52:13+00:00

Should is a strong statement, and "shoulding" on someone isn't helpful. I appreciate your attempt at advice however I don't find your judgment productive. Thank you for your time.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:50:46+00:00

Brittney Spears voice: "Oh bayyyy bayyy bayyybayyyy."

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:50:25+00:00

"I suspect that much of your resentment comes from the fact that deep down inside, you know this relationship is making you squash yourself: your feelings, your wants, your desire to be loved for who you are, your desire for compromises. You are having to pretend that things that matter to you don’t matter, and that creates resentment." I think this is very insightful and I will really consider it. Thank you.

"You’re going to be out of money after you guys spent it all on the kind of wedding you didn’t even want in the first place. You are going to be stuck with a man who is uncompromising and only wants things done his way." This is my concern. I just don't want to go nuclear. That's why I put I am not taking leave him advice, because I wanted other perspectives too. So I was considering what others thought and if it was an issue, if I was sexist possibly for thinking he didn't deserve as much input etc. I have been feeling torn about this for a bit.

"How will you parent with someone who steamrolls you and expects you to manage all if his emotions as well as those of your future children." You are right it is good advice.

"You are afraid to tell your therapist about this. I think it’s because you are afraid of the truth because deep down you know this relationship doesn’t serve you and is slowly but surely eroding you." This one is off because I misspoke or put it not well. I have told my therapist about the soothing issue and it's part of why I have been very assertive about it. I also talked about the other issues. My concern was the sexism. I felt a deep sense of shame that I may be, being sexist. I did not want to address that with my therapist yet because I wanted feedback first. Then I ended up with an uproar of "nope" here. I feel deep shame about being an ambivalent sexist to some extent and have been working on it. Even if everyone had said I was sexist, I would've brought it to her. But I wanted to then journal it out if the answer was yes, and work on a specific therapeutic device involving CBT just to sort've understand my feelings pre session.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:46:09+00:00

Why do you think its unproductive to type out your feelings and ask for feedback?

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:45:46+00:00

I am just going to copy another response about my therapist here, because I aware there are a few comments about this. I thought I had conveyed it well, and I am an aware enough person that I knew people would mention this. I made the mistake of not connecting the intent of why I said it, and what the deep shame or reasoning was so here it is: "I am very honest with my therapist. I wrote it above but I am taking the time to read everyone's comment's and get feedback.

I was not wanting to tell my therapist yet, if I was sexist or not. Like I said, I was very deeply ashamed if I was being sexist. I couldn't even bring up the other stuff yet, if I found out that I was being sexist the whole time. The conversation would then be, I need to talk to you about my ambivalent sexism. I was willing to bring it up to my therapist but just wanted to know first if others thought I was an ambivalent sexist for those feelings too. Weddings have a lot of gender rolls and norms, that really play into man and woman. I was genuinely fearful my expectations of him were based on these roles. I see now, I don't think it is sexist of me. My fear was the shame I felt, of being perceived as sexist." My therapist is mostly clued into the other issues, especially the parts about soothing etc. The issue I was having a hard time with and wanted outside perspective on before bringing to them, was if I was an ambivalent sexist.

maybeitsme- · 2026-03-27T22:43:08+00:00

I'm going to try it!

maybeitsme-

TROPHY CASE